S1E4 - Come with me to the First Floor
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Gartomsk Penitence
After failing to protect his lord, a stubborn general vowed to never take off his helmet. The suffering this headgear of unsettling design brought to its wearer far outweighed a blood-chilling horror it instilled upon the enemies of an unyielding warrior on the field of his final battle
Yet none of it made him forget the pain of his own incompetence
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『Now, what might that be, young fella?』
『It's my loot, Lovely Lady of the Reception! My keen senses led me straight to this mysterious treasure!!』
『...It's a RUMP though』
『Well, I'm not a picky diver, so I'll take what I can get. Give 'em hell, and don't forget to sell what's left of them! - or so they say』
『...And you're saying you found it in the dungeon, hon?』
『Sure did, right by the entrance. How much do you think I can make with this? Snick, loot list for the Hub transaction!』
『Just give me a second to check it out, hon. Let's see... one M-2 grade RUMP, tag's fine, 38% charge... 9730 V-coins total, please confirm the sale... wait, you are... are you... him?』
『Hero of the World, in the flesh, ready to confirm the sale!』
『...Is the world gonna be alright, I wonder?... *ahem* Sale confirmed, thank you for your hard work! Anything else I can do for you, hon?』
>> VCOIN : 10753
『Yeah, starting gear minus helmet, knife, noob gun, one fire clip and a lootbag - all C-1. Also, could you please throw in C-1 Medkit for my PLUM, fully charged C-2 battery and two more pairs of gloves』
『Tell you what, hon - I've got three C-1 right-hand gloves without a proper match back in the storage room. How do you feel about taking them off of me for a price of one pair?』
『Lady of my dreams right in front of me - she knows exactly what a man wants. Done! While we're at it, please switch the battery to C-5』
『Sure thing, hon. Now, you just wait here a bit』
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>> Standard Dungeon Exploration Protective Gear set (grade C-1) : 2000 (-500)
>> Magic pistol "Chinchilla" (grade C-1) : 1000
>> UMC-Fire Magazine (grade C-1) (12) : 120
>> Combat knife (grade C-1) : 100
>> Alchemical implant "Recovery" (grade C-1) : 5000
>> RUMP (grade C-5) (100%) : 1000
>> Dungeon Lootbag (grade C-1) (rental) : 1000
>> Unsorted Gear : 500
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>> Total : 10720
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『Confirmed! Thanks a bunch, love』
『Pleasure doing business with you, hon! Changing room is on the left, canteen is on the right - in case you be needing some rations』
『I'm good, thank you. Don't plan on diving too long - my gut tells me I'm gonna get lucky pretty quickly again』
『Hey, Hero is a player! Well, give me a holler if you need anything else』
>> VCOIN : 33
Man, gotta love the Dungeon Guild - all business! Who, what, where, when and why - they don't give a fuck! If you pick something in a dungeon, your PLUM attaches a tag to it. Anything with a dungeon tag is considered dungeon loot, anything considered a dungeon loot you can sell to the Dungeon Guild. And only to the Guild - the Dungeon Convention is pretty clear on that. Not everyone is happy with this system, but most world powers generally agree that not getting to hog all the dungeon spoils is a reasonable price to pay for preventing anybody else from doing that as well. Power Gems - arguably, the most precious resource on Kaladerra - come mostly from dungeons, so it's a small wonder that every organization that's worth mentioning might feel iffy about their competition potentially monopolizing an access to them
That's where IDEA - International Dungeon Exploration Association, or simply Dungeon Guild - comes into play. To be able to dive into any known dungeon, you have to join their funny little club, and whatever you get from diving you either keep or sell to them to make a profit. IDEA then redistributes it based on strategical demand and resells what's left to anybody interested for some extra coins. A lot of extra coins, actually
IDEA Hubs located at the entrance of every registered dungeon, providing necessary support for divers and making sure that no unauthorized idiot is trying to sneak through. Everything beyond the entrance of the Hub is considered the sovereign territory of the Guild - if any problems arise, they deal with them on their own, only requesting outside help if they see fit. Which doesn't happen very often, considering they have the biggest army of suicidal cutthroats - also known as dungeon divers - under their direct command
ULCA Dungeon is no exception to that rule. Yes, it is almost entirely reserved for training purposes of the University of Liberal Combat Arts, but IDEA is still the one who's actually running it - Academy just has a very special agreement with the Guild. Aside from the fact that ULCA dungeon doesn't have that much resources and the fact that University in Vitalberia is the biggest establishment of this kind on the planet, let's not forget that the Academy is the exclusive workforce supplier for the Guild
Dungeon diving requires a pretty specific set of skills, proper level, and a capacity to know what you're doing to at least some extent. And then you have an academic facility that originates from a collection of capable people that manages to beat First Hero into shape good enough to save the world. Pretty hard to overlook such a perfect match, so nowadays anybody who wants to become a member of IDEA needs to graduate from ULCA first. Granted, getting a diploma from the Academy provides some other benefits - guaranteed promotion to rank C being one of them - and job opportunities, but mostly University serves as a giant conveyor belt to bringing more fresh meat to a dungeon diving meat-grinder
Branches of both the University and the Guild are located in all the major cities and in most the not-so major ones, so the scale of this mutually beneficial culinary operation is pretty huge. Academy gets to enjoy its high status and preferential access to the dungeons and its resources, the Guild gets to enjoy a non-stop stream of skilled bloodthirsty maniacs to work for it, and the rest of the world gets to enjoy not having those maniacs around to stir shit up out of boredom. That, and a stable supply of Power Gems for the science, military and production purposes
Those divers that manage to survive long enough to get promoted to a rank B get to retire and enjoy Full Citizenship benefits that come with the rank, making it probably the fastest social elevator available. So, yes - even official mortality rate among Guild members is not very reassuring, and no - it doesn't really affect the overall number of volunteers that storm the Academy every year in hopes of joining the circus
Peaceful and harmonious solution to a whole set of world affecting problems that's totally worth every collateral. Huzzah!!
On completely unrelated side note, initial age of admission into Academy was, I believe, 15 years old. But then somebody brought up a very silly question - why exactly are we sending underage students into murder-mazes to risk their lives hunting for gems during "training exercises"? And then there was an awkward silence, after which minimum age requirement to enroll into University was quietly moved to 18 years. Now that they are proper adults, it's all good!!
Anyway, let's gear up and go get some actual loot. Throw academy's uniform into a locker and put on protective gear. Boots, pants, jacket, gloves - Commercial grade Tier 1, so it's really nothing much. Equipment that the University provides is better, but I don't feel like waiting a whole month for Dungeon Orientation to start. Check the power level on the gun and a number of bullets in the magazine, slide the mag into the pistol, attach a holster wit the gun and a sheath wit the knife to the belt, shove a medkit implant into the slot on Snick's back and a battery into a socket on it's belly, check the power level of everything again, throw a lootbag with spare gloves over your shoulder. As ready as I can get, I think
『See you soon, Lovely Lady of the Reception!!』
『Happy huntin', hon!』
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>> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F)
*sploosh* *grab* *smash*
>> SOMA : + 10 (20%)
According to the Librarians, dungeons are inter-dimensional anomalies that connect our world to Hell. After saying that, those eggheads usually start throwing around some funny words that all basically mean "shit's weird in the dungeon and we don't have a fucking clue why". Hard to argue with that - shit is actually really weird in those parts. Like the size for example - the insides of those foggy domes are much bigger than their outer appearance suggests. Much, much bigger
>> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F)
*sploosh* *grab* *smash*
>> SOMA : + 10 (20%)
Then there's the nature of the dungeon itself, which rarely has anything to do with the actual fog. When you step through the mist, you get into completely different place - sometimes it's an ice field under an empty black sky, sometimes it's a fucked-up forest, sometimes it's a cave, sometimes it's a bizarre city - every dungeon has its own flavour of diving fun to offer. This particular one that I'm walking through right now is offering me a flavour known as "gloomy maze with narrow passages surrounded by stone walls". Like, you know, an actual dungeon
>> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F)
*sploosh* *grab* *smash*
>> SOMA : + 10 (20%)
Let's not forget about time. Sometimes it's the same as on the surface, sometimes it's not - no particular system to speak of, just roll with it. It's very rare for a time to actually move faster inside the dungeon compared to the rest of the world, so the chances of spontaneous time-travel into the future are pretty slim. More often, time slows down instead, but that phenomenon also lacks consistency in presenting itself. Not that you feel any flow of time when you're diving - you get tired and hungry as usual, but that's pretty much it, so don't forget to check the clock on your PLUM. It might also not work properly sometimes, but still better than nothing, I guess
>> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F)
*sploosh* *grab* *smash*
>> SOMA : + 10 (20%)
Entering a dungeon is pretty easy, but exiting can present some occasional excitement as well. Every dungeon has one stable entry point, which leads from the surface to the First Floor, and can reliably bring you back to the real world when you decide to exit this stupid anomaly. Any other outside transfer point can lead you anywhere else at random - it can be another dungeon, a place on the opposite side of the planet from where you've started your dive, or some other funny location. Unless you feel like testing your luck, make sure to remember which way you came from and backtrack properly
>> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F)
*sploosh* *grab* *smash*
>> SOMA : + 10 (20%)
As you already guessed by the numbering, there's usually more than one floor to each dungeon - each has a a stable entry point and a stable progress point, which leads to the Next Floor After the One You've Just Been On. "Floor" is just a convenient term, because nobody can say for sure what the actual structure of the dungeon looks like. This treasure-hunting theme park keeps a pretty consistent motive between floors, usually presenting more and more versions of the same floor with different structures as you advance. Until it gets tired of it, and when you go through another progress point, you arrive at a completely different dungeon compared to the one you just traversed. The entry point that allows you to get back to the previous floor is still stable though, so they keep the name and numbering order to prevent further confusion
The author's narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.
>> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F)
*sploosh* *grab* *smash*
>> SOMA : + 10 (20%)
The deeper you go through the floors, the weirder it gets, until, eventually, you reach Hell. Power Gems also appear a lot more frequently on the lower floors, so based on that logic, Hell is a pretty weird place made entirely out of jewels. Few people have actually reached it to confirm and, yes, the lack of trying might be the biggest reason for it. Apart from their hyperactive phase during Impacts, dungeons remain dormant most of the time - meaning they are not in a hurry to spawn endless waves of Monsters from Underworld. Not wanting to spit in the face of such kind generosity, most divers just stick to treasure hunting on the floors suitable for their abilities - get some gems, grab some other loot, level up if possible, and get the fuck out. Some hotheads try to reach the deepest parts just for the Hell of it, but few of them ever return to tell the tale. Those who do generally advise against the idea
>> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F)
*sploosh* *grab* *smash*
>> SOMA : + 10 (20%)
Power Gems are not the only tourist attraction here - other stuff appears in the dungeons as well. Ancient artifacts from bygone eras, remnants of vanished civilization, unidentifiable objects of unknown origin - weapons, clothes, accessories, books, runes, furniture, utensils, magical devices, sometimes entire structures. People from ages long past, mostly dead, sometimes - not so much. And to top it all off, dungeons are usually densely populated by animals from the surface
>> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F)
*sploosh* *grab* *smash*
>> SOMA : + 10 (20%)
How exactly do those animals get into the dungeon is, obviously, completely unknown. Some say they sneak in from the real world through unstable entry point, others - that those are the creatures from previous time periods. As to what are they doing here - well, the theory that they're just trying to return home does exist, but doesn't get much traction, since it implies that animals of Kaladerra originate from Hell, and that, if spread widely, can open a completely unnecessary can of worms. Salvation Church loves this hypothesis, though, conveniently forgetting that humanoid animals also appear in the dungeons
>> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F)
*sploosh* *grab* *smash*
>> SOMA : + 10 (20%)
Speculations aside, dungeon animals do seem to persistently try to reach deeper floors. That results in the creation of hierarchical ecosystem in which stronger creatures occupy lower parts by pushing weaker ones closer to the surface. Good example of the latter would be slimes that I'm currently fighting - regular insectoids that appear all over Kaladerra and also inhabit First Floor of the Noob Dungeon
>> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F)
*sploosh* *grab* *smash*
>> SOMA : + 10 (20%)
Slimes share a lot of similarities with the larva phase most proper insect animals go through, so it is assumed they are just insectoid embryos that at some point decided to give up on maturing into bugs and go as it is. Like bugs, they are resilient, and they gelatinous structure makes it difficult to defeat them through physical attacks. Magic is effective, but wasting mana on those little buggers wouldn't really be cost efficient, even if total amount of it that I have wasn't comparable to a newborn child
>> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F)
*sploosh* *grab* *smash*
>> SOMA : + 10 (20%)
With all that in mind, I decided to rely on a more straight-forward approach. To kill a slime, you have to destroy its core - and there's nothing in particular that stops you from just shoving your hand into those pudding-looking cunts and crashing their cores by grabbing them. Pretty effective method, but not very popular. One thing is that it looks and feels pretty gross, and another...
>> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F)
*sploosh* *grab* *smash*
>> SOMA : + 10 (20%)
...
『It fucking stings!!』
The insides of the slime are pretty corrosive, so the gloves you're wearing during the jelly bean fisting session are going to become useless very quickly. I have just thrown out another glove - what was left of it - and put on the last spare one I got from the Hub, so I'll have to switch to my left hand soon. After that, I guess I'll just go barehanded and heal resulting burns with the Medkit
>> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F)
*sploosh* *grab* *smash*
>> SOMA : + 10 (20%)
I don't really need to kill all those slimy fucks, since I get almost no soma from it. I just don't want to drag a caravan of them behind me to where I'm going
>> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F)
*sploosh* *grab* *smash*
>> SOMA : + 10 (20%)
...
...
...
>> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F)
*sploosh* *grab* *smash*
>> SOMA : + 10 (20%)
...Soma is a residual energy that's left after something is being destroyed. I think the General Magical Theory says something about how all matter requires a certain level of power to simply exist, and when that matter stops existing, this power gets released back into the world. Then it can be absorbed by living things nearby, and they can use it to fuel themselves and to grow
>> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F)
*sploosh* *grab* *smash*
>> SOMA : + 10 (20%)
Every organism on Kaladerra runs on soma, basically. For an everyday life, the amount of soma you get from food is enough, but if you want to get stronger, then better get to destroying something on a regular basis - preferably, other organisms, since the amount of soma you get from inorganic matter is nothing to write home about. Collect enough soma and then go see licensed level-up specialist that can help you become a better version of yourself. Animals don't level up, by the way. They spontaneously evolve, usually into more troublesome version of themselves
>> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F)
*sploosh* *grab* *smash*
>> SOMA : + 10 (20%)
When you circulate soma through your body, it synchronizes itself with your Magical Signature and eventually becomes a condensed form of energy that you can use to fling around spells - mana. Soma can't really be used for that, which is a shame because the amount of mana you can hold within yourself is limited, and the amount of soma is not. Also, only living beings can accumulate soma - inorganic matter doesn't really do that, with one notable exception being Power Gems, which makes them so valuable. Actually, it's more efficient to just put mana into them and...
There it fucking is, finally!!
The place we're at right now is a famous dating spot amongst Academy students that enjoy outdoor activities of kinky variety. Lovers' Gate - a door-shaped sculptural relief on the wall at the end of the short corridor in a faraway corner of the First Floor. Legend says that couples that had sex under the Gate will stay together forever afterwards, so this place enjoys an abundance of visitors eager to take part in this proud tradition all year round. No one's here right now though, which is lucky for me
As with all known persistent oddities discovered within dungeons, this one was studied pretty heavily, but nothing interesting was found as a result. Since brute force methods of breaking a wall and looking what's behind it don't really work in the inter-dimensional anomalous environment, everybody just eventually gave up on trying to open it and agreed between themselves that it's just some funny sculpture made by some ancient artist as a practical joke
Except it is actually a door, and you can actually open it. Just need to know the magic word
*ahem*
『Firstborn Empire will rise again!!』
*clank* *clank* *clank* *creeeak* *bam!*
See, it opens pretty easily. All you need to do is reach a certain room on a certain floor of a certain dungeon while being a certain level, and then a certain crazy weirdo will give you a library ticket. In the Library of Vitalberia you can exchange that ticket for a book about some incomprehensible stuff. The book itself is useless, but it has a note from some ancient scholar within, and the phrase that I just said is written on that note, among other things. And if you're wondering how does one suppose to figure out that this specific line needs to be said in front of this specific door, I suggest that you should introduce a little variety into your pillow talk
Also, please don't ask me what this line actually means. I don't think I've ever heard of an empire like that
Regardless, behind this door is a tomb, and inside that giant sarcophagus in a middle of it is some actual treasure that we came to get. But first thing first, let's deal with a little obstacle in a form of completely unsuspicious and totally natural rock in the corner
>> Lying Mantis (insectoid) (danger rating E)
Yeah, that's another insect-type animal that is pretty common on the surface. Being an ambush predator, those cockroaches like to blend into the environment and then jump out at the unsuspecting prey and try to eat it. Just like most insects, they are vulnerable to fire, so one well-aimed fireball is usually enough to take care of those jumpy cunts. And, what a coincidence, I happen to have a tasty hot potato for our little friend here. FireNADE will make a short work of this bug, and if it's still not enough, a couple of fire bullets will finish the job
It's pretty hard to miss this sneaky fuck even with my shitty stats. If you stay outside his attack range, he will just sit there like an idiot waiting for you to get close - quite the contrasting behaviour compared to the creatures that Laying Mantises eventually evolve into. Those other pricks thrash around like crazy! They are also bigger, stronger, faster, smarter, and have thicker armor - so I wouldn't have any way of dealing with something like that right now. One fireball won't even penetrate their outer shell
Luckily, this roach has no intention of evolving anytime soon, so let me just take the NADE out of the bag, press the button and...
> >> Lying Mantis has evolved into Flailing Mantis
>> Flailing Mantis (insectoid) (danger rating C)
...
...
...
...No, I have no comment. Keeping in mind what I just said, the only reasonable solution would be to Activate Heroic Retreat and get the fuck out of here. Get better gear, improve some stats, level up some skills, bring some helpers along, and return with an actual strategy to defeat this piece of garbage without much trouble. Yes, perfectly reasonable, indeed. Except for one thing
I feel like this cunt is trying to give me shit with this "Fuck you!" evolution timing
Nothing like this has ever happened before, I think. This almost three meters tall cricket with long-ass serrated blades attached to its arms didn't appear in this room during any of the previous loops. I didn't plan for this, so the way I am now, if we fight - I'm definitely toast. But that doesn't really matter - if this bitch is giving me shit, then I'm not taking any of it. I have to keep my new friends in pristine condition - their shining purity really speaks to my sense of artistic beauty! What do you think, little buddy?
>> ST-counter feels the urge to increment
Yup, my thoughts exactly! Well, seems like we're improvising. Come on, fucker!! It's you and me, let's dance
>> FG-counter approves
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*pant* *pant* *pant* *wheeze*
Man, I'm a fucking wimp! We've been waltzing with this asshole around the tomb for, like, what - fifteen minutes? And I'm already out of breath, fuck! Nothing I can do about it now, but I gotta think about pumping up my stamina going forward
*pant* *pant* *pant* *wheeze*
Anyway, I've been doing basically the same dance move all this time - wait for this shitbag to swing big, slide underneath him, slice at the joint on his right hind leg, listen to the disappointing sound of a knife scraping the outer shell, jump away from his follow up attack, heal some new cuts on your body, repeat. Overall choreography is a little stale, but I can't help it - I have some idea in mind, but for that I need this squiggly motherfucker to slow down and stop being so squiggly. Let's do it one more time!
That's gonna be an overhead slash, probably, so take two steps and slide on your back under his belly. Stop, rotate on your left arm and put your full weight into the knife while getting up. Hey, that had a nice feel to it for a change! Jump back before he fully turns around to face you, is it a swipe this time? Jump again to avoid it, twist your body midair and get sliced in the shoulder instead of your neck. Guess it wasn't a swipe. Damn
『Snick, medkit!』
>> Recovery <<
Very funny feeling I get from this fight. I know how this fucker moves - I've fought Flailing Mantises hundreds of times before. Yet he's moving too fast for me to even see, and I'm not moving fast enough to properly react. So check out the brilliant battle tactic I came up with on the spot - try to guess his next attack and move ahead of it under the assumption that your prediction is correct. Wanna know how good am I at guessing?
>> PLUM battery charge: 45 %
I'd say about fifty-fifty, which is pretty solid, all things considered. Thank you, lovely reception lady, you're an actual life-saver
Wait, step in, slide, rotate, slash, jump back, heal. Wait, step in, slide, rotate, slash, jump back. Wait, step in, get sliced, jump back, heal.
>> PLUM battery charge: 30 %
Wait, step in, slide, rotate, slash, hear a snap, jump back. Wait, "snap"?! Did you also hear that snapping sound? Yeah, look at this cunt - he's thrashing around even more than before and looks very angry. And he's also limping. Phase one complete
That one looks like a diagonal swing from the right. Sheath your knife, let the swing past you, do a two-step run up from the left side and jump on its back. Grab the outer shell with your left hand, place your feet and tear the gun out of the holster. Press it to the place located behind his heart and pull the trigger
>> Fire Bullet << >> Fire Bullet << >> Fire Bullet <<
>> Fire Bullet << >> Fire Bullet << >> Fire Bullet <<
Half a clip gone, c'mon break, break, break, break!! And you stay still, you stupid fuck!!
Get thrown off and slam yourself against sarcophagus on your way down. Circle around it while waiting for the opportunity to pick up your gun. Grab it, holster it, close in for the round two. Dodge, jump, climb, balance yourself, find the spot and press the gun to it. I'm here all night long, motherfucker!
>> Fire Bullet << >> Fire Bullet << >> Fire Bullet <<
>> Fire Bullet << >> Fire Bullet <<
Finally, a hole big enough! Throw away your gun, grab a FireNADE out of your pocket, rotate the cap and press the button. Try to shove a NADE into the hole while settling on a silly one-liner, get thrown off again and sliced in the air. Look at your right arm cut at the shoulder flying away while still holding a NADE in its palm. Drop, roll, and stumble behind the stone casket on all threes to avoid the blast
>> Fireball <<
『Snick, medkit!』
>> Recovery <<
Fuck, I can hear the bells ringing. Grab your knife, hold it with your teeth, climb on top of the sarcophagus and dive headfirst on his back again. Feel the impact of another slice, land on top of him anyway, slam your chin into the outer shell and drop the knife. Grab the edge of the hole with your left hand and manage not to slip. Now what?
Pull yourself as close to the hole as you can and then shove your left hand into it. Rummage through insides and find a slimy pumping object. Grab it, plant your feet and pull with all you got. You don't have enough strength, it's not gonna work
It's not gonna work, it's not gonna work, it's not gonna work, it's not gonna work
『Go fuck yourself!! You!! Stupid!! Cuuuuunt!! 』
Hear a snap and fly backward with a still beating heart in your left hand. Fall down and stumble back on your feet, look at your enemy convulse in agony, listen to the loud screeching. Wait for him to stop moving and then look at the piece of meat in your hand. Think of something appropriate to say, give up and just throw it away. Take a step back and slide along the wall back to the floor. Hope that there's enough battery left to stop the bleeding
>> PLUM battery charge: 0 %
...
...
...
Yeah, still alive
That was clumsy, stupid, pathetic, stupid, unnecessary, and also stupid. But I don't give a fuck
I won
Through all the battles and all the enemies and all the struggles, against all the impossible odds
Hero prevails again
Fuck, that hurts!
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Peaceful night falls upon Eternal City. Yet in one of the buildings, a certain room welcomes a different kind of peace - the one that is quite dreadful in nature. Several dead bodies lie across the blood-covered floor, with a single woman standing by the window and looking at them, as if observing the results of her own actions. Quiet voice echoes between the walls
『What would you ever do without me, Young Master? Sleeping peacefully by now with a silly look on your face, unaware of all the hard work I do for you. Such hopeless Young Master...』
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