S1E2 - I always brawl when I hit the ground
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Try interacting
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『It seems like Mister Hope of Kaladerra has finally decided to grace us with his presence! We are truly grateful to receive such great honor! Please, allow me to apologize for making you spend your precious time on such trivial matters! I sincerely hope you didn't have to rearrange your busy schedule too much!』
Can you please lay it a little bit thicker, you hag? Clearly, there's nowhere near enough sarcasm to get your point across, so quit slacking off and start taking this whole over exaggerated ironic commentary thing more seriously!
Bespectacled lady of uncertain age with fox ears sticking from her head and generous amount of cleavage sticking from her business suit that's sitting across the table from me is Jezabella Marendazium, Rector of the University Court and the one who's actually running this Hero-making academy. If you discount her loyal dog, standing silently behind that venom-spitting cunt and pretending - successfully - to be part of the furniture, we're the only two people in the rector's office at the moment. Rindo actually decided to split. It's not like she had anything better to do - she just really doesn't like that annoying hag
Neither do I, for that matter. The amount of hoops I had to jump through during my previous runs thanks to that manipulative sly fox of a rector is headache inducing, to say the least
『Don't be so hard on yourself, Lord Rector. I just happened to be in the area and decided to pay a courtesy visit, just to see for myself how the students attending your famous academy are doing. As Hero of the World, I have very high expectations for such talented and promising individuals!』
『...Hero of the World is currently attending that famous academy as well, in case you've forgotten』
『Sadly, the steep requirement of your prestige establishment presented an insurmountable hurdle for a person of a mediocre skill set such as myself. Despite my best effort, I seem to have failed the entrance exam miserably! Well, that's what the group distribution board implies, at the very least』
『Your name wasn't added to the board because of my direct order. As you correctly assumed, the results of your entrance tests are, in fact, quite problematic, so we should discuss a few things before you are officially assigned to the appropriate group』
Oh, should we how, you sneaky fox? Are those "little things" of yours include my exam score being so suspiciously low that the only group I can be assigned to is an infamous Group G? Do they also include the fact that you are more than willing to put me into a Group S - the highest scoring one - anyway, in a surprising fit of generosity? How about a little detail that your "generosity" immediately turns out to be a complete hoax, forcing me to become your slave for the majority of the time I will spend in this academy? Does it also get included in our discussion, or should I read some stupid fine print to figure it out?
Believe you me, that treacherous hag is not to be trusted. She will manipulate you into doing her dirty laundry, and then she will make it looks like you owe her for it. First, she presents you with a "favor", and then she either throw you into some troublesome situation in exchange for it, or the "favor" itself turns out to be a huge pile of trouble of its won. And when you get completely overwhelmed dealing with this bullshit - mostly her bullshit, by the way - she sweeps in to save the day and makes you owe her some more. Pretty effective cycle, if anything
That scheming personality of hers makes me remember those ancient superstitions that consider all those fox cunts to be possessed by an immortal spirit of treachery. That also would explain why she looks quite young, despite her actual age being... Hm? Have I ever learned how old this hag really is during all of my loops? Not that I care that much, among all the other mysteries that still remain unresolved, it's the least interesting one
『It seems like your final score barely qualifies for you to be assigned to Group G as it is, Mister Hope of Kaladerra. However, I am willing to make an exception and let you join Group S on a temporary basis. Of course, there are going to be a few conditions...』
『Nah, I'm good, thanks』
『...』
『...』
『I'm not sure you heard me correctly, so let me say it again - from now on, you are going to be assigned to G-group based on your score』
『Wait, I actually passed the exam? Amazing, go me! To be honest with you, I was a little worried that I would have to cancel the celebration party. My friends were really looking forward to getting wasted tonight, and I'd hate to disappoint them. Thank you so much for delivering this wonderful news to me personally, Lord Rector. The first keg we shall jug in your honor! Huzzah!!』
『...You don't have any friends』
『Now that's a funny joke! I'm Hero, Lord Rector. Everybody in the world is my friend!』
『...』
『...』
『I wonder if your family will show the same amount of enthusiasm about the current situation』
『I'm sure they all gonna be ecstatic. The adorable little boy they all love so much just took his next step in becoming a full-fledged member of society and got himself accepted into famous University of Liberal Combat Arts. Their collective happiness will shoot through the roof, no doubt』
『...』
『...』
『Don't you want to follow the footsteps of your historical predecessors, Mister Hope of Kaladerra? Every Hero before you has attended the university as a member of a Group S, you know』
『I feel like conforming to restrains of an outdated tradition will limit my potential for personal growth. We must both agree that it's really important to promote a sense of individuality among the students of this pinnacle of academic efforts』
『...』
『...』
『You realize the scale of a public relationships nightmare you're going to cause?』
『I'm sure you will manage to spin it the right way. Tell them Hero wants to mingle with the masses and fight his way to the top from the lowest possible position. Everybody loves a good comeback story』
『...』
『...』
Keep fishing, you evil hag. I'm not gonna bight, since I'm well aware of those conditions you're desperately trying to impose on me. One of them includes acquiring an honorary title of an S-group Leader by the end of the first semester, at the risk of expulsion if I fail to do so. Such exciting activity implies getting approval from every professor of Academic Council and every member of Student Council. Plus every student of Group S will get to have a say, and let's not forget the representatives of every other first-year group. If we feel like it, we can throw in a mandatory survey among all the cooks and janitors of the campus at the later date
As a result, I will spend my first semester running around like a complete lunatic, getting entangled with a whole bunch of annoying characters, and trying to convince them all that I'm the real deal. At which task I will continuously fail, so most of the votes I'll get are going to be in the nature of "He's a total loser, but I'm gonna vote for him anyway 'cause it's funny to see him squirm LOL!!1"
Somewhere along the line I'll uncover a number of conspiracies and solve a number of mysteries, increase the number of companions and do a number on some bullies. A very fun way to spend time, but not efficient enough to my liking. If I aim to become stronger anytime soon, those wacky shenanigans will have to wait
To sum it up - yes, my score is phenomenally low. No, even I am not that much of an idiot. Yes, something fishy is going on in the academy. Yes, my "failure" is related to that. Yes, that hag is trying to send me on a wild goose chase to find and fix that "something". No, it's not my job to do so. Boring shit, do not want
『It would appear that our discussion has reached its end. Thank you again for delivering the good news, Lord Principal. I would love to stay and have a pleasant chat with you for a little longer, but I'm afraid the stench of a wet dog emanating from you is getting unbearable, so I shall hurry and take my leave, you old hag *Heroic Smile*』
*swoosh* *thud* *creeeak*
『...Wanna try and repeat that again, you ungrateful little shit?』
Look, a talking piece of furniture! Eira Gingakkia, miss University Court Secretary and Jezabella's trusted right hand, decided to join the conversation!
She's an orphan that Bella rescued somewhere in a northern Frontier Lands while still working at her occupation previous to Lord Rector. Ever since then, Eira dedicated her life to being a loyal doggy to that sly fox. Basically raised by that cunning hag, she didn't pick up any of those manipulative habits her newfound mommy had, and opted to be as straightforward and as honest as it gets. Most of the time she pretends to be the cool beauty and actually manages to behave like a responsible adult, unless you get her really angry. And the easiest way to get that mad dog (or should I say mad shark) angry is to rub her owner the wrong way
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Do that, and you should consider yourself lucky if the only thing that happened is you ending up face down on the floor with her straddling you and threatening to break your arm, which is exactly the situation I'm currently in by the way
Woah, check out the store on that angry demon, she emits enough pressure to make even the most ferocious psy-bear want to run away while shaking like a puppy. Tough luck, bitch, Hero never falters. Let's deliver a Splendid Kick of Justice right into her shark-teeth
*snap* *swoosh* *thud*
『『『...』』』
The *snap* part is my arm actually breaking as a result of me rotating out of the armlock. And the *thud* part is me slamming face-first into the floor again after my Splendid Kick of Justice was brilliantly dodged
『...The hell are you doing?』
『What, you scared, shark-girl? Wait till I get myself off the floor, then I will show you how stupid it was to pick a fight with Hero!』
『Huh, still wanna go, punk?! Bring it on!!..』
『That's quite enough, Eira』
『But mama, that pip-squeak just called you...』
『Mister Hope of Kaladerra seems to have a very peculiar sense of humor. No reason to take offense from a simple joke』
『...Tsk, can't be helped』
『You sure about this, ladies? I still have three more working limbs, so we can keep dancing, if you want』
『...Let me do something about that, cadet Celvarion』
>> Recovery <<
See, what did I tell you - a truly responsible adult, as long as her mama doesn't forget to yank on her chain from time to time. This shark-girl even fixes the toys she broke herself. What a good shark-girl!
But regretfully, her healing powers are almost nothing compared to our Horny Superhealer. Saint has the ability to directly mend organic matter - an inherited thaumaturgical power more commonly known as "miracle". Other natural-born healers have it too, hers is just completely out of proportion with its monstrous efficiency
Miss secretary isn't a natural born healer, so she will have to resort to other means. As you can see, there's a magic formula forming around my body - a clear indication that what she's using is a proper alchemical spell called "Recovery". Can be learnt by almost anybody, but to use it efficiently requires a lot of concentration and a very good understanding of an organic matter you are attempting to heal. So, unlike miracle workers that just do it intuitively, sharkie here has to put a lot of conscious effort to...
...Actually, this is taking forever. Let me just fix the bone into place to expedite the process
*hrump* *snap*
『『...』』
『Hey, as good as new. Thank you kindly, Razor Teeth, you're a real friend!』
『...』
『Please allow me to extend my apology on behalf of my secretary, Mister Hope of Kaladerra. I hope we can all just forget about it, since no actual harm was intended by anyone involved』
『Yeah, no problem! I do feel like I should probably get a proper health check in a hospital, though. Somehow, it still hurts a lot, so maybe your precious little girl here missed a spot』
『...I'm sure it's just your imagination』
『Most likely! But Hero's health is instrumental to the safety and well-being of all the people in the world, so we can't leave anything to chance. Actually, I think the pain is getting much worse, so I better hurry!』
『Is there something I personally can do to help you through your suffering?』
『Why thank you, how kind of you to ask! I think I will forget about the pain if I swing my sword around a little, so how about granting me access to a Noob Dungeon? Sounds good?』
『Dungeon Orientation doesn't start until a month into the first semester, so I don't think it would be possible for me to grant your request』
『Aw-aw-aw-the-pain-is-getting-unbearable *monotone*』
『...』
『Goddess-help-me-the-pain-is-driving-me-crazy *monotone*』
『...*sigh* Alright, I'll see what I can do...』
『The-pain-oh-the-pain-how-is-it-even-possible-that-it-hurts-so-much *monotone*』
『Fine-fine, here you go!』
>> ACQUIRED : ULCA Dungeon Access
『Thanks! Now, just to make sure I heard you correctly, I am actually a student of G-group, right?』
『...Yes, you are correct, Mister Hope of Kaladerra. As of today, you are officially a student of University of Liberal Combat Arts, assigned to the Group G based on your entrance examination results. Congratulations! Please do your best to improve our evaluation of you in the future!』
『Sure will! OK, thanks again, gotta go, bye! Chin up, Razor Teeth!』
Well, that wild idea surprisingly paid off. Don't think for a second that I actually managed to muscle that dungeon access out of the hag with my brilliant acting skills. She probably has her own ideas about all that, and I have a pretty good grasp on what they are, but who cares. I unexpectedly got a pretty useful asset to start off my Hero Retirement Uninterruped Master Plan, which will allow me to do a few things a little earlier than I thought. I'm grateful, old fox. As a thank you, I will pretend that I didn't hear your quiet murmuring as I close the door to your office behind me
『...I need to have a good talk with those profiling idiots...』
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Now, after such a splendid victory, every self-respecting Hero needs to get some proper fucking loot. For that, I will need to find a certain treasure chest somewhere in the hallway on the second floor of the administrative building. Where exactly... ah, there it is!
So, while I'm rummaging through this trash bin, lets look back on a recent event. Originally, I should have run into the Pointy Ears in the bathroom this morning and have a little "peeking accident", so this time I made sure to stay away from that part of the dormitory entirely, yet miss elven princess went out completely naked to "accidentally" run into me anyway. The resulting ruckus took a while to settle down, so this time I was very late to reach the academy, yet count Poopion has waited for more than two hours by the entrance just to make sure we have our fun little chat. After I learned about my "failure" to enroll, I was supposed to run into rector's office crying, begging and screaming, so this time I just tried to go straight back to the dormitory, yet they dragged me back to the office almost by force
There's not enough data to reach any definitive conclusion, but so far, it feels like certain events almost trying to force themselves to happen. Certain events or certain things. Like this thing that I finally manage to find in an empty trash bin, for example. Great timing!
>> ACQUIRED : FireNADE (grade I-1)
Fire type Non-reusable Alchemical Device with Explosive effect, Industrial grade, tier 1, not available to the general public. Basically, this little cylinder is a throwable fireball - the casing contains a non-rechargeable power source, pre-embedded magic formula, and an activation mechanism. Turn the safety cap, press the button, throw it at your problems - and wait for the resulting CABOOM to deal with these problems for you. Good find!
In every loop I've been through, this thing is always just sitting here - no matter when you actually get around to check. Kinda makes you think. Kinda makes me not. I have enough confusing shit to think about as it is
Anyway, onward to the next treasure chest!
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Which happens to be in a female changing room of one of the gyms in the combat wing, where else. Ignore the suspicious humming from the looker on the left, the one we need is on the right side, third one from the window. Let's try to open it... Aha!!
>> ACQUIRED : Trusty key (weird shape makes it untrustworthy)
>> NOTE : Only a brave knight on a quest for true beauty will find a way, brother!
Throw the stupid note away, grab the key, and get the fuck out of here. Now, to the next one!
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If you assume that a public toilet we are currently in is for female use only, you are absolutely correct. Recreational building, first floor, closest restroom to the left from the main entrance, last stall. Shove Snick into the nearest empty trash can, rotate the can upside down, open the stall, check behind the toilet tank, reach carefully, ponder for a second, detach one of the golden wires just in case, remove the power element, put it in your pocket, take Snick out of the trash can, ignore all the angry squeaking. Done!
Since Snick was a little preoccupied before, allow me to explain instead. That cylindrical glowing crystal with a socket attached to one end we've just ACQUIRED is a RUMP - Rechargeable Universal Magical Power supply element. Most non-organic magical devices run on those power elements, so this thing is pretty important. And expensive - based on the size and the intensity of the glow, it's definitely Military grade, so that's a hefty sum right here in my pocket!
There's two more of those beauties hidden around the campus, and together, they should provide sufficient start-up funds for my daring future projects. Hm? The thing this crystal was attached to? Thanks, but I have no use for that makeshift monstrosity. It's remotely activated anyway, and this particular one is also malfunctioning. When those fucking idiots launch their attack on the academy, this piece of shit, unlike the other two, will fail to go off, so we will have to fight our way through the whole building to manually deactivate it
Let's get out of here and then I tell you all about it. You see, the hallway on the left side of an entrance was barricaded for some reason, so we had to go and...
『Care to explain yourself, Hero Candidate?』
Fuck. The last person a wanted to run into right now
『It' bad enough that future Hero was absent during the opening ceremony, showing an unacceptable level of disrespect to a sacred tradition and putting on display alarming tendencies to indulge in acts of undisciplined behaviour, but now I see him blatantly disregarding public morals by entering a facility strictly dedicated for the female use. I fail to understand how you can even remotely consider such actions to be acceptable for someone who carries the fate of Kaladerra on his shoulders, and who's ethical standards and moral integrity should provide all the people of this world with a sense of reassurance. In my opinion...』
Vice-president of the Student Council - Ran-Shalka Hrazull, everybody's favorite Forest Ork. Green skin, pointy ears, slightly visible fangs, perfectly adjusted uniform, and a pair of glasses she keeps constantly fixing. All the ferocious nature usually associated with her kin she channels directly into diligent studies, hard administrative works and last but not least - into making sure that all the students remember about the existence of the word "discipline". Has a secret fun club and a huge glaring flaw...
『...setting an example to all around him with his unshakable resolve to adhere to all the necessary customs...』
Yeah, her deep love for never-ending nagging. Once she gets her Rapid Fire Sermon going, it's impossible to shut her up. Anyway, seems like I'm all done here for now. I really wanted to grab the other two RUMPs, but with all the commotion that is about to start, I don't think I can get to them without anybody noticing. Oh well, I'll have to make do with what I already got
『...and always brush your teeth before going to bed. Do you understand, Hero Candidate Celvarion?』
『I understand your confusion, my fair maiden, but please rest assured!! Following the guiding light of Goddess herself that led me to this temple of personal hygiene, I was simply looking for any potential signs of evildoers!!』
『...In the woman's restroom?』
『Indeed!! And it seems I was just in time - some scoundrels planted a magical explosive device within this very room, no doubt, in hopes of lowering academical productivity of the students attending Hero Academy! Too bad, pesky villains!! Your pathetic schemes are no match for the unrelenting vigilance of True Hero!!』
『...In the woman's restroom?!』
『Yup, last stall, behind the tank, go see for yourself, I'll wait. Don't worry, I've deactivated it already, so it's totally safe』
『...if that is your attempt at talking your way out of...』
『Easy enough to find out if it is, right? *Heroic Smile*』
『...Don't go anywhere』
『Definitely! Also, after you're done having a proper look, I suggest notifying the rector and doing a proper swipe of the campus. The best places to start would probably be the security building and the research lab. And on that note...*swoosh*』
Mwahahahaha, how naive!! I told you that I will wait here, but actually, I will not!!
『It actually looks like explosive devise! But how did you even... Wait, where are you going?! Get back here right now!!』
『Goodbye, my fair maiden!! I shall depart, for my Heroic presence is required elsewhere!!』
Yeah, so long, suckers. Hero has left the building
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