Prologue E2 - Those who tied are justified

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Special events allow you to especially improve your relationships with specified characters

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Now, why would valiant Hero of the World, shining Hope of Kaladerra and presumable offspring of Benevolent Goddess herself would be sitting on his knees in the middle of the dinning hall while being tied up, surrounded by an angry mob and bearing obvious signs of physical assault?

Oh, that's an easy one. Because it's fucking hilarious

Gather round, citizens!! Alleviate your fear of unavoidable death by partaking in a refreshing comedy routine! Occasional eroticism, violent slapstick, silly screaming and friendly laughter - all sprinkled with a warm and fuzzy feeling of successful social bonding

Don't mind the ticket price, the show's totally free. Generously sponsored by misery, humiliation, pain, despair and suffering of a person was delegated the job of saving all your sorry asses

Small price to pay for a brief moment of levity

『It seems that Young Master has finally decided to throw away his dignity as a human being and has revealed his true face of a sexual beast. As a maid, I am deeply ashamed to serve such a degenerate』

Speaking of misery, here's the horrid creature I've mentioned before that considers making sure I always have enough of it in my life her true destiny

Rindo Marudokawa, my self proclaimed personal maid. Stuck to me ever since I was born and has been annoying thorn in my side for probably even longer. Sole successor of proud House Marudokawa during the day, deadly assassin during the night, and sadistic venomous virasnake at all times

If you're curious as to why do I have such a shitty personal attendant, please refer to the Vow of House Marudokawa, which clearly states that it is their sacred duty to support and protect Hero and (if they feel like it) his comrades

Personally, I think they just got nothing better to do with their time. That would explain them spending all of it on rigorous training in martial arts and covert tactics, and also they regular inter-breeding with the black dragon maniacs. See that black hair on this sorry excuse for a maid? Not a very common trait among humans

So yeah, she's a killer, and in more ways than one. Sadly, that useful feature still can't balance out her extremelely shitty personalty

Neither can her sexy curves, not very well-hidden by her maid uniform. Especially if you keep in mind...

『S-sexual beast!!.. *gulp*』

Check out those two Mt. Gdormurs, you wannabe maid!! And then go and wallow in utter defeat, as their uncontrollable jiggle threatens to start a wave of city-destroying seismic activity

Attached to those twin wonders on nature is an oblivious nympho that also happens to be the Saint of current generation. Marianna vex Vitarodius, a simple-minded flowerhead that considers helping people and solving problems an ultimate form of happiness

Which pales in comparison to the ecstasy that her father, exiled cardinal Vitarodius, felt when his trusty wife managed to pump out such gullible doofus with such a remarkable destiny attached. Praised be the Goddess for this convenient pawn that's gonna help him brute force his way back into the upper echelon of Salvation Church!! After that, she's free to go and help Hero save the world, no problem

Regardless, she's a top contender for the "Least Annoying Companion of the Year" spot. Horny tendencies, that she considers a secret for some reason, are one thing, her slow wit is another, but at the end of the day, she's an absolute beast when it comes to the very useful type of thaumaturgy widely known as "Healing Magic"

Even by the standards of modern-day Salvation clergy, which still are high enough to provide all interested parties with an alternative to official healing service. Since they occasionally manage to not completely fuck up, I consider them above passing grade overall. But don't tell anybody from HEAL about what I just said. Those folks can be pretty iffy about encouraging unlicensed treatment

Not when it comes to Saint though, her accompanying Hero on his perilous journey to subjugate, eradicate, save, restore and all that. Lucky for me, since I'd be hard-pressed to count the exact amount of broken bones, gushing wounds, torn limbs and eroded tissues her ubermiracles managed to mend during the course of, you know, all the perilousness

Mostly mine. Other shitheads also got hurt occasionally, but since I'm usually the one tanking all the damage, final balance might be slightly off

The rest prefer dishing out gigaspells, super attacks, and other fancy stuff

『Absolutely preposterous!! I always knew not to expect any better from the likes of humans, but such vulgar acts of blatant villainy go simply beyond any reason!!』

With that screeching maso harpy being a prime example of persistent reliance on such tactics. Meet the main culprit behind current situation, Lianumistellia en'Fillurien zim'Miurienalla-Sallariodena, also known as omnipotent Sage, another vital component of Hero Party homebrew

Despite trying to imply her unwillingness to be here with all her might, something tells me that sheltered elven princess couldn't run away from her overgrown island fast enough. You see, she happens to be an actual blood-related sister of the prince Ellandorimion, which doesn't stop this soon-to-be-crowned bellend from persistently announcing her as a Radiant Queen candidate. And no, it's not a political necessity he has in mind

Sadly, even the destiny of a mighty Sage fails to put out a burning flame of royal elven kinks. It also fails to provide this clumsy blond cunt with a proper aptidude for any type of magic exept her favorite fartomansy. I mean, if you ask her, then it's not like she can't use other spells or anything, but somehow during all the various battle situations it's always "wind magic this" and "wind magic that"

You're called a Sage, woman!! Legendary being on par with Hero, best magician in the world that's supposed to be proficient in any and all types of magical arts. Try to at least put some effort into it, how about?

Pair this up with unhinged mentality of 8-years old that forbids her to ever honestly express what she thinks or feels, and makes her constantly lash out in violent fits of misdirected anger, and hey - move over, Rindo, we have a new addition to a prestigious "Useless Trash" category

Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel.

『So this is supposed to be the next hero? Hmph, how disappointing』

Pay no attention to that hulking tower of a woman. It's just Ingarionara Gremidarr-iddoren-Fessarangi, another useless certified royalty, as you may have already noticed by a pair of horns curving around her head. Don't let fiery red hair, long tail and imposing physique confuse you - little miss Dragon Princess is exceptionally good at blending with the environment

I mean, she's certanly strong. And stoic. And dignified. And likes to proudly declare the most boring banalities of "we must do the right thing" variety, but aside from that - not much going on there in terms of character

Well, if you really twist my hand, she's also doing some marriage hunting at the moment. Since according to old clansman flirting tradition any proper husband is expected do beat the shit out of his future wife in a fair combat before marriage - preferably while she's still in her dragon form - this bashful maiden figured joining Hero Party is a solid plan to potentially tie the knot

That, and She's also a Valkyrie of our age, Vengeful Spirit of Battle and Hero-wielded Relentless Spear. Relentless Spear that has tits and occasionally breaths fire, but she needs as many originality elements as she can get

『Now-now, I think we should all calm down and try talking this through』

This green-haired, brown-skinned beauty that's oozing motherly vibes with a slight hint of sexual frustration is Jessica Velmitrane - a manager of this dormitory we're currently in by heart, and an operative of a Hero Assisting Intercontinental Assembled Initiative by trade

Scratch that, both are by trade, because she was obviously assigned to that post. As if those control freaks from HAIAI would allow just any random fuck to run Heroic Dormitory, a historical place of respite to every previous Hero reincarnation and his companions

Glorified workaholic, she was always married to her job, which makes her sensuality go out of control sometimes due to the lack of intimate relationships

She's alright

She's also concludes the list of characters pending introduction, so let's sum up the events that lead to this episode of variety show next

Maid wake Hero. Hero go wash face. Elf bathroom alredy. Elf forget lock door. Elf shower, elf naked. Hero surprised. Hero trips. Hero face slams elf chest. Expect softness. Find only horror

My original idea was to avoid this interaction, since I already went through it eight times before, so I made sure to stay clear of the bathroom altogether. Wasted effort, really, since her royal highness, empowered by her usual refusal to acknowledge the existence of anybody but herself, decided to take a stroll around the dorm. Butt-naked, of course

And then she run stright into me. Words "forced event" come to mind, but I don't know what the fuck that means, so moving on

『I refuse to tolerate the presence of this disgusting creature any longer!! Throw this imbecile out immediately!!』

『Weak-willed man that fails to control his own urges is unfit to be called a true warrior』

『I'm sorry for my lack of effort in properly educating this discusting cree- *ahem* Young Master』

『U-urges *blush*』

『...Let's try not to blow this out of proportion』

What's supposed to follow is cheerful scene of public execution culminating in a few curious additions to the set of dorm rules:

Hero is supposed to move from the main building into a tool shack in the garden and stay there indefinitely

Hero is not allowed to use any of the dorm facilities or enter the main building at any point in time

Hero, in general, is required to ask permission before approaching, talking, walking, looking, thinking, breathing and engaging in any other type of extravagant activity

There's more, but you get the picture. Wonderful start to a team-building cohabitation, I agree

『...And you cannot possibly expect me to even consider living under the same roof as... this!!』

『Your Highness, I'm sure we can come to a reasonable compromise...』

You see, it's already starting to take shape. I can hear numerous suggestions for that "reasonable compromise" being thrown around

But be not afraid, I am not called Hero of the World for nothing!!

I have a perfect plan to get this entire situation over with in an instant. Just watch

*ahem*

『Oi, you bunch of silly cunts!! Shut the fuck up for a second!!』

『『『『『 !!!!! 』』』』』

『First of all, get off your high horses, go get the ticket to the Fuck Off train and then proceed to the Eat Shit destination!

Second, did you really fail to notice a sign above the door? Like, all of you? The only reason for this stupid mansion to exist is for me to live in it. Without me, it has no fucking purpose! Can you grasp that? This is my fucking domain. I live here. I make rules here. And if I feel like it, I may consider allowing you useless morons to also be here!

Only as long as you all fucking behave

Third, if that tree-hugging bimbo really against the idea of other people looking at her boobs, I suggest doing something about her exgibicionistic habits first. I's not like there's much to look at, anyway. Even if I actually wanted to see those sorry pimples, I don't think I can squint my eyes hard enough, so get over it, love!

Fuck your silly rules, fuck you reasonable compromise, fuck your stupid honor, fuck your dumb delusions, fuck your shitty quips and most of all, fuck your hissy fits! I ain't having any of this shit, so do your best to keep that in mind!

And in conclusion, go fuck yourselves *Heroic smile*』

『『『『『 ... 』』』』』

Phew, that was surprisingly refreshing! And with this, my brilliant scheme is set to motion. All that's left is for that bitch to do exactly what I expect her to do

Come on, you pointy-eared zero-impulse-control cunt!

Do not disappoint

『You-you-you... You filthy mongrel!!』

>> Crescent Wind <<

『Crescent Wind!!』

Now who's a good girl? I knew I could always rely on her being a violent menace fueled by a complete disregard for the consequences of her own actions

Look at that beauty though - instant thaumaturgical air control without any of that magic circuit bullshit. Elves don't pride themselves in their stupid wind magic for nothing. She also doesn't even have to scream the name of the spell

She just happens to be an attention whore

『With all due respect, are you out of your mind, princess?』

『Did you, perhaps, not hear what he just said?!』

『To be so easily defeated by such a simple spell... hmph!』

『Don't worry, Young master possesses the resilience of figgaroach』

『B-but there's a lot of blood...』

That is a lot of blood. Well within expected amount of what can come out from the chest split open almost up to the heart by a wind blade. Woah, look-look, it's really gushing!

Come, marvel at the sight of Hero meeting his demise in a glorious fountain of fluid crimson! What a spectacle to behold, I'm sure!

It appears that it was I who was a true attention whore all along!! Mwahahahahaha!! *cough*

Nevertheless, this particular loop has finally reached its end. Personally, I hope for eternal oblivion with no more revivals and repetitions, but my gut tells me not to be too optimistic. At the very least, I want all those shitty memories to be gone in the next run

Goodbye, oh gentle world, for I have failed you!

Your Hero's not the ray of light you fancied him to be

The mercy of eternal rest approaching swiftly

To wash away the dust of sorrow from a weary soul

Alas, this fucking joke is overplayed

I mean, you don't really think I'm gonna die that easily, do you? I'm fucking Hope of Kaladerra, you know. I've been through shit much worse than this, and managed to survive all of it

Well, except

Plus, all those other idiots aside, notice the lack of desperation on the faces of Miss Hero's Personal Bodyguard and Miss Hero Monitoring Secret Agent. Slight concern, at best, which is surprising if you take the fact that the world is about to lose its sole protector at the face value

Sure, they obviously both have some contingencies in places, but it's unlikely they even have a chance to rely on those, because...

『Don't worry, everyone!! I-I will do my best!!』

Hey, cowtits, thanks for not missing the queue! Can you maybe do your best somewhere else for a while and let the brother die in peace?

>> Healing Touch <<

I'll take it as a no. Damn, her healing powers are no joke!

Some lingering suspense might still remain though, since I did lose a lot of blood. Not the easiest job for a Saint at her current power level

I sure am curious if my notorious will to live manages to kick in and salvage the situation just in time

...

...

...

Yeah, still alive

Can't believe my perfect speedrun strategy was foiled by a pair of giant boobs filled with the power of pure intentions. Well played, boobs, let's meet again some other time

Anyway, show's over, the world undoomed, the twist revealed, the crisis averted, nothing to see here, move along

Through all the battles and all the enemies and all the struggles, against all the impossible odds

Hero prevails again

Fuck

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