Prologue E3 - Rolling stone up the hill just to drop it
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//need to write more tips for prologue
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Well, that was enough excitement for the whole day, and it hasn't even properly started yet. Let's just consider it some sort of extravagant morning exercise to help everyone wake the fuck up and leave it at that. Dinning room might require some additional cleaning, but on the bright side, spilling excessive blood all over the floor prevents it from rushing directly into my head again. Personally, I see it as an important step on the road of personal improvement that leads us through thorny mountains of anger management issues straight to a shining valley of mutual understanding and respect
Like, did you see the looks on their faces? They did their absolute best not to show it, but I'm pretty sure my little stunt left a lasting impression. It's not everyday you see Hero of the World half-split open and bleeding out like a fountain. On the other hand, they did get first row seats to witness trademark miracle of Heroical Comeback From Absolutely Unwinnable Situation Against Impossible Odds, so, hey, you're welcome, ladies!
...Man, I do have a resilience of a figgaroach, don't I?
Regardless, thanks to my stellar performance, the Annoying Cunts Assembly motioned to move the discussion of the "Let's evict Hero from his own mansion and also strip him of any basic human rights while we're at it" project to a latter date. I'm sure this topic is going to come up again, eventually - her royal bitchiness isn't letting it go any time soon - and I, once more, will have to put my Heroic Ingenuity to test and deal with this stupid bullshit then. But not right now - and that's the important part
A problem delayed is a problem denied!!
Honestly, I am open to any suggestions about how else am I supposed to handle that glorified dumpster fire called Hero Party, but something tells me that I shouldn't hold my breath. Trying to have a proper conversation with this bunch of hard-headed misfits is like bringing a hungry crocazull to a birthday party - no matter how careful you are, it's only a matter of time before it all goes sideways in a very gruesome and a very bloody way. Escentric at best, batshit insane at worst and absolutely fucking annoying most of the time, my so-called companions will happily jump at every opportunity to wreck havoc and spiral any situation that has even a slightest chance of a peaceful resolution into a total chaos
That holds true for both current members of the crew and the ones that are going to join later. Most of them either hold the position of highest status in their respective countries, or have a severe case of blatant disregard for any form of authority altogether. Combine it with the fact that all of them are pretty young and easily impressed with the importance of their world-saving duty, generously sprinkle a set of conflicting personalities all over this cooking pot - and the resulting concoction can be a perfect source of nightmares for any team-building specialist
What else would you expect from a collection of individuals that were born to their, granted, very important roles, instead of being chosen for them? They're young, they're dumb, they're entitled, they don't listen, they are filled with a sense of unwarranted self-importance, they are stubborn, they are horny, they are naive, they fail to notice their own hypocrisy, they never fail to notice somebody else's mistakes, they are petty, they are insecure, they are totally clueless
They are people
Regular people with superpowers, crushed by an enormous weight of an impossible task to which, now that I think about it, they didn't actually volunteer. And it matters little how much they work to improve their abilities - if hard effort was all it took, the world would've been saved eight times over already
...
So, good thing that Hero himself is the one who's leading this charming bunch of deluded fuckwits, right? I mean, I'm Hero of the World, the only being capable of saving it and all that. If any of those idiots even tries to act up, can't I just easily shut them all the fuck up with a simple display of my overwhelming powers, astonishing achievements and boundless respect for my daring personality?
That would be a little problematic, because I have absolutely none of those
Seems like Heroic title is considered enough of a leg up for someone who's about to embark on a quest to fight endless waves of monsters and eventually storm Citadel of the End itself. Who needs high stats, uberskills, proficiency in some forbidden magic or any of that fancy shit that you would expect an existence straight from the legends to have?
Way down the road I do acquire some useful perks, but they're mostly situational or benefit absolutely everybody else but myself. Tough luck, Hero, while all the others get to play with new shiny spells, unique skills and enjoy the overall leveling experience, you get to go and protect the planet with the power of sheer determination. Good luck!
Nevermind those super powered cretins, my status is pretty unremarkable even by the standards of a regular person. But don't take my word for it, see for yourselves
『Snick, you little shit, wake up!』
This snitching rat floating above my shoulder is my PLUM called Snik. Personal Link-providing fully-Upgradebale Magical assistant - courtesy of those freaks from Dominion of Truth. Has numerous functions and features, some of them are even occasionally useful. For example
If you encounter this narrative on Amazon, note that it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.
『Show me my status, you lazy ass』
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MAIN STATUS
>> CLASS : Hero Candidate
>> LEVEL : 4
>> MAGIC : 58
>> RANK : D (provisional)
>> SOMA : 808
>> VCOIN : 1023
>> STATE : extreme confusion, extreme anger, recovery
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PARAMETERS
>> ENDURANCE : (F) : 11
>> POWER : (E) : 15
>> SPEED : (F) : 4
>> PERCEPTION : (F) : 16
>> FOCUS : (E) : 16
>> COORDINATION : (E) : 8
>> MEMORY : (F) : 12
>> INTELLECT : (E) : 8
>> INTUITION : (E) : 20
>> WILLPOWER : (F) : 7
>> BRAVERY : (E) : 11
>> WISDOM : (E) : 8
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PERSONAL SKILLS
>> Whispers of the ####### (?)
>> Beginner's Luck >>READY<<
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CLASS SKILLS
>> Heroic Compassion
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The image that's projected from the crystal stuck to the forehead of that traitorous furball is a status screen displaying my current stats and skills in all their brilliant mediocrity. What do you think?
I agree, they suck some major balls! Not only the values themselves are abysmal, the rank on every stat is also low, so they gain almost nothing on level-up. And, hey, good job even reaching one in the first place, since I require five times the regular amount of Soma for every level. Only one class-specific skill as well, and can we all just agree to pretend this piece of shit isn't there?
Not impressive, to say the least. And if I'm not impressed, and you obviously not impressed, how do you gather my idiot comrades are going to feel about such a wimpy Hero with almost no Heroic qualities. And how am I supposed to lead that freak show of power-obsessed maniacs, when I'm nothing more than a laughing stock with a fancy title
By being exactly that. A laughing stock with a fancy title. Right
Please allow me to present to you a Hope of Kaladerra - butt of every joke, punchline to every twist, oblivious buffoon on a quest to step on every rack and fail at every task. All so that even his completely incompetent companions can feel better about themselves after rescuing this dumb shit from his new predicament and laugh at how unreliable Hero truly is. Seriously, they even manage to bond over my misery
『Ha-ha-ha, typical Hero, can't do anything right. Good thing we were here to save the day, fellas. Can't be helped then, guess we have to stick around this party some more and make sure the world is protected properly. C'mon, Hero, keep up!!』
And then they give me shit. Tons and tons and tons of it, without missing a single opportunity. And then I get bitchy about it, run off to prove that I'm a big boy too, just to get into another trouble. And then they save me again. And then they give me shit
Long story short, no one's running this crew. It's a headless blunder bouncing around without any particular direction in mind, propelled by countless whims of its participants and changing course every time anybody thinks they have a better idea
Yes, I do mean anybody. Hero Party without proper plan or leadership is too precious of a commodity to just leave it be, so of course every international organization, corporation, local government, great house, clan, tribe or neighborhood association wants to have a go at stirring it. If you think that, somehow, their well thought-out projects of improving the world and providing a solid foundation to fight off demon armies also include disgusting amount of benefits for those organizations, then it's just your imagination. Altruism is what those greedy fucks are all about
And then, you guessed it, they give me shit as well. Hero is too humble, Hero is too arrogant. Hero is too indecisive, Hero should listen to others more. Hero has to be stronger than that, Hero has too much unknown powers. Real Hero wouldn't do that, only Hero knows what he really has to do. Is Hero the real hero? What is Hero, why is Hero, wait, where is Hero, we have an unkillable monster to slay!
Neverending storm of shit
Fuck, I can feel my blood boiling again! Should I go find Pointy Ears and provoke her into slicing me up again to let this blood flow and calm down a little? Seems like it might become an unhealthy habit, so I'd rather refrain
...
To be completely honest, being a certified clown of the whole world is not that bad of a role for Hero. World powers a weary of his growing influence, common folks are scared of his monstrous existence, companions are in desperate need for reassurance. Comically incompetent Hero serves the purpose of alleviating all these worries pretty well. Not that I ever understood any of that nuanced shit before, mind you
I was just a fucking clown
Which is fine, I guess. Small price to pay for the future of the planet and all the people living on it. Doesn't matter what methods we choose, as long as we succeed in saving the world in the end
Except we don't. We fail. Spectacularly
So I figure, why bother. The world is fucked, the people are doomed, nothing I, or anybody else, can do to change that. Let's just buckle up for this joyride to the end credits and live through our remaining days the way we actually want. Enjoy the show, you clueless morons, there's a slim chance for any future re-runs!
My personal preference now is to go through life by not taking any shit from anybody *Heroic smile*
> >> Shit Taken Counter added to Records <<
>> ST-Counter : 0
Main Quest started! Now, it's pretty obvious that reaching the ending in my current state while keeping ST-counter at zero is absolutely impossible. After all, the only thing this civilized world of rules, laws and ethics really values is power. When all is said and done, the one with the largest and sharpest stick is the one authorized to give the biggest amount of shit to everybody else. The nature of this stick doesn't really matter, it can be a big pile of money, a set of over-powered stats, a bunch of devoted followers you command, or an actual sharp pointy stick. Same rules apply
So my first stem in completing the Main Quest is to gain as much power as possible, and then gain some more. Without giving a single fuck about all those stupid distractions along the way
> >> Fucks Given Counter added to Records<<
>> FG-Counter : 0
OK, now let's get motivated! Hero Determination, do your thing! Time to get dressed and kick this story off, for real this time!
...
Man, my room is a mess. It's still better than a tool shack, but since I've just moved into the dorm, the amount of unpacking threatens to put Dark Tower itself to shame. No matter!! Beware, Luggage monster, for you are no match for valiant Hero on his path to glory! Unless...
You're going to laugh, but it just occurred to me, after all this time. I have a maid. A person specifically assigned to, you know, do shit for me. Whether or not she's actually gonna listen to what I say is questionable, but it's worth giving a try
『Rindooooo!! Where's my stupid uniform!!』
Let's fucking go
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