Prologue E1 - Set the Deets on Fire
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This work contains strong language, depictions of violence, sexual content, substance abuse, morally questionable behavior, repulsive imagery and disturbing concepts. May not be appropriate for anybody.
Discretion is strongly advised.
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In a quiet corner of an ever-distant space, a tired star embraces its only child with a stream of loving light. As if following those gentle rays, we dive towards the beautiful blue planet, rolling over a cozy blanket of sleepy clouds to take a closer look at yet unfamiliar inhabitants of this new world.
We slip in a hurry above above a barren land of eternal ice, it's frozen stillness and giant, yet peaceful, denizens make us doubt a fiery nature of a burning heart hidden underneath.
For a moment, we linger on a brink of a vast jungle, drawn in by a grim resolution of proud warriors sharpening their deadly fangs in preparations for another round of bloody conflict forever unresolved.
Whatever creatures lurk in that lascivious mass of exotic greenery, we fail to notice them, only thing betraying they well-hidden presence is their insatiable carnivorous hunger.
Making our way above an endless ocean, we catch a momentary glimpse of enormous column of water from a distance away, wondering meanwhile if ethereal song that warmly invites us further into the depths could be anything more than a mere trick, played on our ears by vanishing waves.
Arriving at a busy landscape riddled with caves, we realise that its dwellers lack of eagerness to appear on the surface doesn't stop them from disturbing all the neighbors with the sound of their restless work.
Further we fly, towards bustling cities that stubbornly shrug off lulling embrace of hospitable rivers and refuse to ever go to sleep, for there is always fortune waiting to be made and a wasted time is too expensive a luxury.
Weary travelers across ancient dunes are unfazed in equal measure by both our presence and menacing rumble from below the sand they traverse, unlike us, without much of a hurry or care.
For a while, we tag along nomadic horde through a vast steppen fields, before confirming that those battleborn riders do not consider destination a vital part of a journey, and leaving them for our next goal.
Just as well as we leave behind the dusty prairies, fertile with blood of opposing forces trying to eradicate each other for reasons they long since forgotten.
Gloomy planes, only truly beloved by a gloomy people born to them, struggle to alleviate a shadow of bloodthirsty monarchs looming over, but we don't stay long enough to learn the results of those efforts.
Solitary island, refusing the flow of time, also fails to hold our attention for long, and it's nature-loving inhabitants give us a new direction with their longing gazes towards a giant tree far in the distance.
This towering monument of nature surrounds itself with an endless forest of enchantment, treachery, miracles and horrors, all inconceivable by a random passerby, such as we are.
We glide across monstrous mountain ridges, home to ferocious clans that only ever forget their bloodfeuds when their sworn winged enemies once again start raining fire from the skies.
Speeding up through the patchwork lands of a free-spirited people with the thirst for adventure being their only common trait, we finally reach our destination.
Eternal City, shining jewel in a crown of all sentient achievements.
Hugging the coast of a gentle sea, it is a welcoming home for numerous civilizations, species, cultures and ideas. A melting pot from which the progress erupts, and a museum in which aeons of history are preserved. True heart of the world, inspiring its citizens towards uncertain yet exciting future, it is currently on a brink of waking up and welcoming new day.
Yet the quiet hour before the sunrise seems to be filled with almost palpable tension, as if the whole city is waiting for something with nervous anticipation, struggling to maintain nonchalant facade under the growing pressure of a long-forgotten feeling. Seems like, for a first time in a long while, fear has found its way to replace the excitement as a partner for the future's uncertainty.
And one doesn't have to look hard for the source of that fear.
Menacing tower of monstruos proportion overlooks soon to be awoken city with a promise of turbulent calamities. Clearly visible due its sheer size, despite being located in the middle of the sea, the mere presence of that repulsive construct undoubtedly, albeit regretfully, indicates the inevitable.
The greatest enemy of the world - ruthless fiend that brings constant suffering and endless destruction - has returned once more. And, as countless times before, he is ready to start a new wave of onslaught that threatens to shred this planet to pieces, all just to quench his lust for blood. Such is his urge unstoppable, that even the power of all the people throughout the world combined might not be enough to repel him this time.
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So the fear erodes, strong and weak alike. Unchanging presence of evergrowing shadow breeds poorly concealed desperation, and people, seldom consciously, are looking for something to give them reassurance. Solace. Hope.
Our attention is drawn to a certain place on a seashore, a contrarian existence to otherwise prevalent rules of the cityscape. It's as if all the other buildings took a reverent step back, unwilling, or perhaps simply afraid, to disturb the dignified solitude of a strangely designed ancient mansion.
In one of its rooms, we find a certain young man who is about to shoulder the full brunt of attention from the world on a path to finding its new hero.
A young man destined to shift the flow of history, his own willingness to do so being of little concern.
A young man who, just like the city itself, is ready to meet a new dawn with a new determination.
A young man who... appears to be quite distraught, for some reason.
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...I mean, fucking heroes, am I right?
Who even came up with the idea, anyway? Sure, let's entrust the fate of the world and all that other boring bullshit to a single random asshole with absolutely zero idea of what he's doing. Obvious lack of experience, knowledge, perspective and leadership qualities can be effortlessly overcome with a positive attitude, boundless optimism, selfless compassion, power of friendship, love, hope, dream and all that other stupid fucking shit.
Brilliant. Absolutely fucking brilliant.
Well, any plan will do if it means they can go about their day as usual without a single care about what's going on. When some shit actually goes down, they just need to pay attention long enough to redirect their convenient gofer towards the most apparent problem and give him a slap on the back. Or a kick in the ass, for a proper amount of acceleration. Either way, job's done, back to business, he can handle it on his own just fine.
『Hero, you have to save the city from monsters!!』
『Only Hero can do something about this spreading magical corruption!!』
『Oh My Goddess, it's a giant dragon!! Bring Hero to fight it right away!!』
『Go protect the innocents, Hero!! Preferably, without inconveniencing their everyday lives.』
『Go inseminate all the beauties, Hero!! But be humble about it so we won't get envious.』
『Go fix the economy, Hero!! And environment! And world's politics! Education! Everything else too!!』
『Go eat noodles through your nose, Hero!!』
Go fuck yourselves, you bunch of silly twats!!
Those motherfuckers sure got some nerve, demanding salvation with the same attitude as when they order pizza delivery. Add some world peace to the order, why don't you! I hear it goes surprisingly well with fries.
Make no mistake, though. As insufferable as those morons are, the hero himself reigns absolutely supreme as a glorious emperor of shit-eating dickheads. Running around like a maniac, sticking his nose into every situation he deems problematic, disregarding any attempts at compromise, and causing an insane amount of damage in exchange for a pile of naive and simplistic dogshit that he presents as a solution. How about you stick to fighting monsters, you oblivious spunk-gobbling dweeb! Who knows, if you do it long enough, you might just have a chance to suck a little bit less at it.
Fucking bellend.
But I hear what you're saying. Stop shitting all over that silly bugger for a second and try to save the world yourself, since you're obviously very smart and handsome and good at everything.
Well, funny you should say that. Because I did, in fact, try it.
Eight. Fucking. Times.
I really put an effort into it an everything. Yet somehow this bitch-ass world always manages to find some new and exciting ways to fuck itself over, damn it!!
If it's not those fire-breathing cunts, it's eternal ice age. Moon is also falling, 'cause why not? Wait, now the sky is also falling, so couldn't they have coordinated their timing a little better? Or is it a spotlight thing? Attention seeking is understandable, but redundancy is kind of a bitch. Speaking of, continuous demon invasion is of little surprise by itself, but do we really need another fucking breed of unrelated demons apparently also wanting in on the action? Not sure what was going on with that mass possession thing, and don't even get me started on this whole roach infestation business.
So, eventually, the planet itself decides that it had enough of this fuckery an self destructs. On one hand, I can totally respect the idea of not wanting to deal with all that dumb bullshit, but on the other hand - I would pretty much want for this silly globe to keep on existing.
Not for any personal reasons, mind you. By the time any of those world-ending shenanigans even tries to occur, I'm already long fucking dead. Fallen in a stupid decisive battle for the stupid future of all the stupid living things. Heroically, dramatically, with intense emotions and inspiring speeches all over the place. Beautifully moronic self sacrifice, a fitting end to a useless idiot. Goodbye, you stupid fuck, you won't be missed!
And then, surprise, motherfuckers, here I am again!!
Hero of the World, in the flesh, nice to meet you.
Killed in action eight times in a row, yet still alive and kicking. And also, well, pretty fucking confused, to be honest. You see, here's when it gets weird. Yeah, I know.
From what I gather, this whole story repeats itself from the moment I'm currently at to the point of total destruction, with slight deviations along the way. And somehow, I now remember all that circle-jerking clown show in its entirety. A deviation of a larger magnitude, indeed, but alow me to question the applicability for a second.
Meaning, I don't recall remembering any of this shit during my previous runs. But what I do recall is a constant string of embarrassments, failure, suffering and useless struggle which I think sums up my heroic journey pretty nicely. Multiply it by eight, compress it into a single overlaying experience, shove it straight into a brain of an unsuspecting individual and see where it gets ya.
Nevermind answers, even most of the questions refuse to be formulated into something that at least puts in an effort to look like it makes any fucking sense. Too bad, sorting out all the confusing details can wait, because this sorry exuse for a story apparently can't.
Not any more, that is.
If my sense of time didn't go to shit with the rest of my mind, a certain horrid creature should be making its way to the door this very moment, intending to kick off another shitty loop by announcing that...
『Young Master, it is time to wake up』
Aaand here it is. Fuck.
Excuse me, sir. I took this heroic tale for a view spins, and it doesn't really seem like my thing. Can I maybe get a new one?
Because this one really really sucks. Big time.
But, oh well.
What are you gonna do?
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