It's not often that I shock Me.

Even with some of the shit that I come out with. There's been a few times in the past, but they were more about my dungeon portfolio as opposed to what I had to say. Most sentences he can brush off like a bad smell, but it's always nice to watch when I catch him by surprise.

Afterwards, however, he looks more annoyed than anything.

He obviously didn't like that one, but I thought it was hilarious. It gave me a good enough laugh that I'm ready to get back to it. By that, I mean I'm ready to listen to You and not scare her to death.

Ignoring Me's frustration, I ask Assistant B what brings her to my tower. She only ever turns up for dungeon-related topics, so I already have a good idea what she wants to talk about.

"She can wait. I'm not meeting those elves. I don't even want to go in the forest around Varona these days, monster population is getting a bit boring. That certainly doesn't mean I'm going to clean up that mess you created." Now it's Me's turn to be mean. Still, his last sentence catches my attention and I can't help but fluster.

"You saw that?" Obviously, I'm referring to Aura's arrival, Aura slagging the elves off, and then, Aura fleeing with me as soon as I decided being there was a lost cause. It wasn't the best scene to witness.

"Aura was on fire, wasn't she?" he grins. It's nice now that Me has a sense of humour, but I wish he wouldn't use it at my expense. How am I supposed to laugh and say, "Good one, buddy," when my first impression in the elven lands is the butt of his joke.

I was really hoping for it to would go well.

Stupid elves and their slander.

Maybe I should go and eat one or two of them. I bet that would quiet 'em down. If only it was that easy.

"Dungeon Core Abi. The Goblins have... You must come now and inspect the dungeon." How easy it is to fall so low in someone's opinion when they say daft shit like that. I've almost gotten passed her pronouncing my title every time she says my name, but when the conversation You wants to have is about Goblins...

"And when she threw that stone... Hilarious. That poor little elf though. I hope her head heals properly. That was a perfect shot from Aura." Me isn't even listening to You and is still laughing his ass off over Aura's antics. My thoughts on the matter are quite different, but all I can think about is the dungeon. I'm not bothered about Aura throwing stones. They're lucky I didn't wipe them out with my Void Beam.

Still, levelling up the population takes priority and the little, green bastards are needed for just that. That means when there's a problem You can't handle, it's upto Super Mama to sort shit out.

I'm certainly not going just to get away from Me.

Ginger prick.

"OK, You. Let's go check on the little green bastards, shall we?" Leaving Me to laugh in solitude, I port myself and You over to the source of her concerns where I find two groups mid-argument. With no Catergoriser or guide around to mediate, the quarrel is escalating by the second. Good things someone's here to deal with things.

If only past me could hear me now. Boasting about taking care of problems.

"Hey. What's going on?" I know You needs me to deal with the Goblins, but this shouldn't take long. Plus, solving disputes is easy when you wield all the power.

At my arrival, both groups turn to me and began speaking over each and I catch none of it. Well, almost none of it. What I got was that group A don't like how group B are looking at their women. Group A being compromised of both men and women whereas group B is straight-up testosterone.

Group B also look a little off in my opinion as well. None of them are wearing armour and they have barely a scrap of clothing between them. If I didn't know any better, I'd say these guys are out here doing their best Goblin impression.

A quick look at the worry written on You's face is enough to send my heart into my stomach. Her eyes are darting between the Goblin impersonators and all can think about is her problem. She didn't specify what that problem was, but it can't be this, right?

"Master. This human won't give me his woman. If I beat him down, I can take her. Yes?"

Fuck off.

Just... No.

I must look angry because You's knees are knocking. Which are really my knees since she's still in my clone. I'll have to make her a body later l, but right now I need to resolve... This, without setting off my Dungeon Rage. It's been a while since that's happened, but I can already feel my blood boiling and my temperature rising.

There's no way this good-looking, under-sized, crooked-nosed human is a Goblin. It doesn't make any sense. Yet, by what he said, this predicament must be exactly what You needed me for. She can deal with a good bit of difference from everyday Dungeon Core'in, but this is well above her pay grade.

Hell. Goblin humans should be above mine. In fact...

"Huh?" Caught in a daze, Sis can't work out whether to smile at seeing me, or worry due to the location she's been summoned. I'd suggest the former since she's about to get roasted. Ignoring the arguing going on beside me, I stare down the source of my problem.

Problems if you want to be specific. Since day one, this bitch has been a pain in my butt whilst giving a few free upgrades here and there like she's some sort of saint. The Sanctuary, trademark Abi, is her crowing glory and yes, the sun-endowed room where my dungeon-residing summons live is worth a great deal of praise.

However, that alone doesn't excuse hardly knowing where to take my next step since nothing works or upgrades like it's supposed too. So yeah, I suggest she worry because this conversation is long overdue.

"What is that?" I point at the human from Group B, still arguing semantics on why he should be allowed to take fmthe female from Group A. He herself is firmly against the idea, but the Goblin human is still trying to talk his way into it happening. Threatening may be a better description, but they haven't drawn blades yet so that's one thing.

"An argument?" Sis shrugs as though she has no idea what I mean and my rage rises as I try to control it.

"Don't play dumb, Sis. Today is not the day to be a smart-ass. Today is answer day.l because I'm sick and tired of being in the dark. I want to know, right now!" OK. Maybe that wasn't the best way to get my point across, but I'm sick and tired of flying blind. Only saying I want to know doesn't exactly help anyone and I'm almost a little confused myself.

"I meant, why? Why are the Goblins turning human? In what sort of world does that shit make sense? Shouldn't they just be really good-looking Goblins? What's the need to add hair and change their skin colour? Eh? Why? Why, Sis? Why?" She looks at the best-looking Goblins in the world before turning back to me. Before she can answer I've already dived into my next spiel.

The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

"Features don't upgrade properly, Summons won't display future evolutionary data, monsters look more-human than the actual-fucking-humans! Meditation caused me nightmares, my Core nearly shattered and you don't seem to know your ass from your elbow. So why, Sis? Why?"

"For the majority of unexplainable circumstances, I can attest to having no hand in the matter. Dungeon Cores shape and use mana on a fundamentally differently level than humans can. In turn, the mana responds and acts accordingly with the dungeon's will. It can even go as far as to altering nature to fit the whims of a Dungeon Core. Everything else is because you are a reincarnated human with her memories intact." Shockingly, I get answer.

Not the answer I wanted, but it's enough to sedate my rage. It's also funny because she's trying to push the blame on mana. Like it's a physical thing and not made of elemental properties.

Still, that doesn't account for everything and while we're playing the who's to blame game, let's talk about the sponge in my field.

"That feature was... Is..." Sis hangs her head in shame.

That's what I thought. Sis can't pass blame on the Hay Bale to Mana since she wasn't involved in its creation. That feature still riles me up today when I think about it. I don't even talk about the fact the I've upgraded the Bale of Fortune three times since then and had no success whatsoever.

"And what about the Gacha?" She looks up about to defend herself, "I could have used a few more Barrys back then, you know?" before she returns to her original stance. Head dropped, shoulders slumped. I'm about ti cry, written all over face.

There are hundreds of examples I want to voice, however, the sound of a blade being drawn forces me to shelf the discussion once more. If I'm being honest though, I don't really want to hear what she has to say. Not now anyway. I feel much better after voicing my frustrations at her.

"I don't deal with everything. I have subsystems that deal with a lot of problems. They even have their own subsystem and there are further systems below them. I mean, I could call over Brian, Daisy and Pete, but you would be less happy after meeting them." As I'm talking down the stab-happy Goblin, Sis once more passes blame. This time, on her own subordinates.

She nods along with herself as I slap Gobby Goblin into a wall. I've had enough. I'm really trying to keep my cool, but after being laughed at by Me and bullshited by Sis I've had enough. The stupid, woman-obsessed Goblin didn't help anyone's case when he tried arguing semantics either. All he earned himself was an I-don't-care slap and a who's-the-boss-in-this-dungeon glare before I turned back to Problem Causer A.

"I might actual decree it a rule that you will be forever know as Problem Causer A if you don't buck up on your accountability. When you've done some stupid shit, don't say it wasn't me. Say, fucking, sorry!" My glare from Goblin paste persists through my rant at The System. Made obvious since she cowers away from me.

Personally, I don't think I'm particularly scary. Sure, I have a mouth on me and a short temper, but I know what's acceptable and what's not. For example, it's not like I'd eat the dungeon-creating System just for not taking responsibility. Would I joke about and make it sound like I was really going to do it though?

Absolutely.

"I wonder. What would actually happen if I ate you?" At my off-handed question, Sis passes out and the room falls silent. Half of the humans silently edge towards the tunnel that leads out whereas the monstrous half have turned into statues. All of them looking anywhere but at me.

You can't believe what she just heard and is looking around flabbergasted, probably snitching on me as I speak to Assistant A. He was probably watching anyhow. At this point, I'm sure that he gets entertainment from watching my tribulations.

Why?

I'm not sure. He was complaining about his job earlier though and, thinking about, it can't be all that challenging for him. All he has to do is make sure the area around Varona is populated with monsters since not everyone can enter the dungeon at the same time.

If he doesn't want to do it anymore though, what am I going to do? I certainly don't want to do that shit. Plus, Sis and You already have jobs and I'm unsure whether Kolena's able to use DP. Not that I trust the former Goddess of Beauty enough to let her play with my purse even if she can.

"D-Dungeon Core Abi. You're not r-really going to est the system are you?" I bet Me's laughing his head off right now. I'm sure he's told You not to take me seriously in most cases, but his words have fallen on deaf ears today. Poor Assistant B looks horrified.

"Of course I'm not going to eat The System. Could you imagine what might happen if I did? I'd probably be out in charge of her work aswell as my own! Screw that. There's already enough problems to delegate, avoid and sweep under the rug, as it is. I could do without adding to those intentionally, you know? Plus, she probably doesn't that good."

You doesn't look as reassured as I'd hoped she would, but there are more problems in this cave than what she thinks I'll do.

"You four," I turn to the humans slowly edging towards the tunnel, "Don't move. You're not in trouble and nothing bad is going to happen. This is all a misunderstanding and I just wanna resolve it before you go spreading baseless rumors."

Doing as they're told, feet stop shuffling and they all turn to face me. Which makes me feel awful because they look worse than You. If she was horrified then these humans are petrified. In my defence, they don't have all the facts. They don't know that the human passed out on the floor is actually The System that creates and monitors dungeons. Nor do they know she's the biggest pain in arse going and the source of many headaches and stress. If they did, those fearful expressions might be sympathetic instead.

Who am I kidding?

"First of all, I don't eat anyone that doesn't deserve it. That means you better make sure you live a good life. Understand?" Confusion spreads among the group as they look at each other in befuddlement before they all nod vigorously at me.

"Good. Second, even if I ate this annoying woman on the floor, the human population on Tironia would budge a single figure. Do you know what that means?" More confusion is passed around like salt at dinner and this time no response comes my way.

"It means she isn't a person at all. That doesn't mean you have to be afraid of her, it just means she a massive pain in the.... She's tricky to deal with. That's what I mean." The woman at the back of the group begins to cry and I can't help but wonder where I went wrong. I thought I was explaining myself rather well this time.

"Hey, I already said I'm not going to eat anyone. Why are you so upset?" Being spoken to directly only makes things worse. Her knees go weak and she collapses, caught by her party before she hits the floor. The adventurer is still conscious, but it doesn't look like she's doing well mentally.

Maybe I should just avoid humans until they get stronger? It always ends up being a one-sided conversation anyway, so what's the point?

The goblin/human statues haven't moved an inch, which would be commendable if not for the fact that they're Goblins and I pass them on my way towards the human adventurers. Who look worse the closer I get.

What can I do to resolve this quickly?

All I wanted to do was relax for a minute in my tower, but here I am, dealing with more stupid shit.

Four mithril daggers appear in the air before the adventurers and I swear I hear them gulp. They're not for that reason. Manipulating the mana, I move them closer to the adventurers without actually nearing myself.

"They're for you. A gift from me. I get that you're probably freaked out after witnessing that exchange, but there are no ill intentions here. I promise. In fact, I'm going to take Sis, You and the Goblins, and we'll leave first. That way she can get some rest and you three can have peace of mind."

Not a single Adventurer has said a word since I made Goblin paste. Even now, there are no words of gratitude and the only silence responds to me.

Whatever. A thank you would be nice, but I suppose I'm at fault in the first place. Check me out growing up and shit. I'm almost mature these days.

Wrapping You, Sis and the Goblin statues, in teleportation, I move us all to the lower floors. Two statues fall over on arrival and Sis's body thumps off the floor, still unconscious.

How the dungeon-creating System is able to fall unconscious in the first place, I have no idea and don't want to know either. I'm past it now and just want to go chill out.

"Oi! Nob heads. Stop pretending to be statues and start grovelling now. That's the only way your surviving this without being dismantled. Trying to abduct human females and in the dungeon no less! What the hell do you think you're playing at?"

The pink-skinned monster humans assume the position, but I'm at a loss with what to do with them. With everyone else I've summoned, this is the point where they're allowed to mingle with the humans in Varona. Fuck knows what I'm going to do with the Goblins though.

My first thought is to dismantle them, Goblinators and all, and replace them with trolls. It's getting harder and harder to keep hating them when they no longer represent the little, green shits they are.

That said, I can't unleash them on the society outside until they've learned basic human etiquette. Like not threatening people for their women. To do that, the passed out trouble causer will find she has a new job when she wakes up. Not only will she be in charge of the Dragon Daycare, but Goblins are now her number one priority.

Fingers crossed she's got enough brains to get through it without killing anyone.