48

(Porter Robinson- Get Your Wish)

Tells

“Captain Zev!” I hurried down the halls near Simira’s study, stumbling to keep the stack of legal planks from toppling to the floor. “I’ve more orders to be declared!”

He exasperatedly reared around like he’d been looking for me. “Tells, I understand the necessity of these legal declarations, but has she answered why she will not speak with me?!”

I sighed. “She’s not letting me in either except to receive orders.”

“Can not one wait?! How many more will there be?! Surely the stability of this house is of the utmost importance, which is what I wish to discuss.”

“Last I saw of her, she was sitting at her desk writing in a frenzy.”

“Are you implying she has gone mad?”

“I’m saying what I saw!” My temper was starting to flare because he wouldn’t back off of asking dumb questions.

“You should have more respect for her and myself, Tells.”

This fuckin’ guy just loves picking out every minute thing I do wrong and it’s the most annoying thing ever.

“What’s your fucking issue with me?!”

Zev’s tone was quick and snappy. “I have no issue with you other than your disregard for respect.”

“I’m respectful to everyone here! But you get on my back and pester me for no reason every time I talk to you! I’m telling you what I know! What do you want from me?!”

“If you respected me, you would have told me about this scheme!”

“She specifically told me not to tell anyone about it!”

“You do not see the issue clearly.”

“Then enlighten me! What’s the issue?!”

At least back home when I was coding some bullshit, I could punch a wall or squeeze a stress ball to death. This guy is like a walking run of bad code because he doesn’t understand a bloody fuckin’ thing I try to input to thick skull.

“You actively engaged in conspiracy against a sitting Viscount. Had anything gone wrong, you and the Lady would have been executed!”

“That’s why I didn’t say anything!”

“That’s not the point! How many times do I have to say it?!” Zev was turning purple in the face like an angry plum. “You should have counseled her! Tried to convince her to take more legitimate avenues!”

“It was a trial in front of the Count! There’s a legal paper! Seems pretty legit to me!”

“Sweet Eyes and Ears, is there a brain in your head?! Conspiring with an outside Viscount! Espionage that caused the death of Rezyn! If she had been caught at any point in this, she would have been killed! She is bold and unafraid, and I respect that about her. But if you are not intelligent enough to offer her counsel, then you have no right to serve so closely to her!”

“I did! I helped where I could! I don’t know how law works here, man! Are you just mad that I was in on this plan instead of you?!”

“Yes! If I had been a part of it, there would not have been an impromptu execution of her father! Her brother would not have renounced his name before the people who are supposed to respect and serve this family! This is how dissent is perpetuated! We are incredibly lucky for the people’s love of her.”

“Then you should have said something to her earlier!”

Zev’s eyes went beyond wide with that one. They looked like they were about to pop out of his head. “What?! What am I supposed to say to that?! I couldn’t have known to say anything!”

“That sucks! Not my problem!”

Captain Zev took several deep, agonized breaths before speaking. “Why did you help the Lady at all?”

“To get me and Adam and Vetia out of here. She said she’d let us go.”

“Self-serving to your core. You’re unconcerned with the state of House Amien after you leave, so why care for Lady Simira at all? Adam was the only one with a shred of decency between the lot of you. Know that you are to blame for anything malignant that occurs in this house from here on out.”

The doors to Simira’s study burst open and Lady Simira stepped out, wrathful eyes glaring between us. “Both of you. Come in. Now.”

Captain Zev walked in first and reluctantly let me enter before closing the doors. “Lady Simira, why didn’t you tell me any part of this plan you had?! I am here to counsel you and to advise you as best as I can, but I cannot help you any more than you have hurt yourself already.”

Simira stood behind her desk and frustratedly clenched her fists. “The people will calm shortly. Surprise is not unexpected.”

“Surprise? Lady Simira, this is not solely surprise. The people have witnessed a political execution in a house that formerly appeared incredibly stable! The instability after the suicide still lingers! There is potential that this action instigates upheaval from dissenters! Your words and actions helped our cause, but words and actions alone cannot stifle sudden panic should anything go awry!”

Frustration, frenzy gripped Lady Simira’s formerly stoic attitude as she glanced over an unfinished plank and several amended ones. “Captain Zev! Silence! I will not hear your ramblings of possible rebellion this instant! Unless it is you that wishes to conspire against me now?! Do I appear weak?! Am I unfit to lead?! Can I not make decisions for myself?! Do you think I cannot lead my people?!”

Betrayal crushed him, but realization brought his head back up. “Lady Simira, do you think me a traitor who doubts you? After these years of serving you, have I not proven my loyalty? Have I been so untrustworthy that you would take in an outsider for counsel over your guard’s commander and your friend?”

She fell speechless, staring at her desk, calming her breath.

“Lady Simira, the battle is won and I commend you. I am only asking why you did not trust me to fight it with you.”

“I was-” she cleared her throat. “I was going to, but I couldn’t until Rezyn was dispatched. And even then, I could not shake the threat against my life. The plot against me.”

Zev’s eyes widened in disbelief. “You lost all of your trust over the ramblings-”

Simira’s hoarse voice cried out. “She wasn’t lying, Andris! I saw the truth in her eyes.”

“She was a madwoman!” Zev did his best to keep himself from yelling. “Of course her words bore the truth! She had no grasp of reality! In her mind, I suppose there were hundreds of other people in the room with us! Deluded truth is worth less than a lie!”

“Do you think I am a fool enough to believe delusions?! Do you not trust my ability to steer course?!”

Captain Zev’s eyes desperately pleaded with her. “I do not question your ability! I only seek to aid your judgment! No person is infallible, and vengeance is the most blinding curse that a-”

“Am I blind to the truth?!”

“You are blind to your own needs! I once sought revenge for the massacre of my fleet! I was angry and oblivious to the harm that I caused! I let my brothers in arms die because I was obsessed with being strong enough to kill those responsible! When I failed, they enslaved me and you were the one to save me from my rage back then! Your passion is what led you thus far, but fire left unchecked will burn the forest to ashes! Why do you refuse to rely on those who entrust themselves to you?”

Simira sat down. “Captain Zev. Would you have questioned me, or would you have simply followed my orders?”

“I did question you. I and the others pleaded for you to spare your wrath in that wagon out of Poikla. I see now that you were fearful of giving up Tarynn and losing Hallax’s assistance. I urged you to withdraw the bounty, then to hold the regenerator in your control, which has ultimately led to these whispers of assassination. You rejected every attempt at counsel I made. You were never fighting alone, but the echoes of war stifle every voice crying for peace. I have always served you first.”

She turned her head up at me. “Tells, you witnessed most of these events. Do you believe I would have benefitted from Andris’ counsel?”

This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

I turned to Captain Zev and met his passionate, hurt eyes. I slowly nodded. “Yes, Simira. I do.”

I could’ve sworn Zev stopped glaring at me for the first time since I’d seen him.

He stepped to her desk and respectfully lowered himself into the chair across from her, gazing at her remorsefully. “I have served you in battle. I have served you in peace. I have built a guard to serve your future. The city respects you and loves you as you do them. We are all fighting alongside each other to protect this city. It pains me when I see my sister in arms suffering as I have, and she will not hear me. Your war is not eternal. Your enemies are not at every corner. But your allies, your countrymen, your friends are. You are not alone as you believe yourself to be.”

Her hand tapped rapidly on her desk and her jaw ever so slightly quivered in tandem. She clenched her fist. Her voice was terribly hoarse from yelling so much. “I sincerely apologize, my friend. I will trust you undoubtedly going forward.”

He nodded at her. “Thank you, Simira.”

She took a sharp breath in, unsurety racking her face. “Andris, Tells, am I ready to be Viscountess?”

Captain Zev sat up properly, dignified. “I never doubted you would excel at guiding our people toward a better future. We are at your call.” He rose, collected the legal planks from me, and nodded.

I nodded to her, a slight smile forming on my face. I was proud too. Of her.

“Andris, deploy patrols throughout the city. In a time of political unrest, we must ensure the people feel safe, even if there is no threat. The celebrations are over. I am canceling Diona’s visit.”

“Lady Simira,” Captain Zev spoke up, “the men have already expressed worry about that to me. I fear they will-”

“Her business is killing the wills of our men, Andris. It sickens me how they grope and ogle at the modest women of this manor while Fera’s scantily clad troop revels in the worship borne of hollow idolatry. We cannot have any more of this if we are to keep any decency as a city.”

“I fear,” Captain Zev hesitated, “they will turn to your brother. I was informed by a loyalist that Diona’s workers are urging the men to declare themselves to Tarynn, as Fera will integrate Diona’s business directly into the manor. We cannot be too hasty.”

Simira slammed the table, hatred gripping her eyes. “What good is freeing their minds if she controls their hearts? I can’t win.” Her rage turned to woeful comedy. “Hah, perhaps I should join her games and gather the women to walk bare-breasted through the city granting every man’s humiliating desires! The guard will worship me as corties worship a sappy burrow in a rotting stump! Apparently I must lower my understanding of politics to that of a beast! False promises and base pleasures! No complexities nor need for wisdom! The city will burn, but everyone will be too distracted and numbed to realize it! Why seek a better future when we can all declare ‘fuck it’ and give up like my father did and my brother has?! Am I missing something?”

I smirked and put my hands up. “You’re missing the audience for that question ‘cause I got no game. I wouldn’t survive a place like that.”

She snickered. “Well that makes two of us.”

“Three,” Captain Zev admitted lightly, then turned to me. “I had a mate in Kyoh, but it was by no means because of my ability to swoon. We’re assigned mates at birth.”

Simira sat back. “Perhaps that’s it. Those immature men and women need kjzae and jzaeti to properly understand responsibility. Oh- that’s why she deals prostitutes. Clever.” She sighed. “I can’t push back work forever. Andris, inform the guards that tonight will be Diona’s last time doing business with us. I will host a ball next week in accordance with a pay raise, but each participant must bring a partner to dance with. I wish I had the time and the resources for it now.”

“Yes, Lady Simira.” Captain Zev saluted and left.

Her head slowly fell. “If only I’d let Hallax kill him.”

I slapped her desk, surprise raising her. “Don’t say that. It was the right thing.”

“Why must doing right only perpetuate struggle?”

I rested my hand on her shoulder. “The hardest part is over. One more night and you won’t have to worry about Diona either.”

She chuckled at that. “If you only knew.” Her eyes met mine and she nodded as if remembering something. “Ah, one more manner of business with you.” She hesitantly reached into a drawer of her desk and pulled free a small parchment. Her eyes inspected the document like she wanted to tear it apart, then passed it to me. “You’re relieved of your duties and under no conditions forced to stay here against your will. Without you, I wouldn’t have lived to see this day. I wouldn’t have been able to avenge my mother and restore honor to my family’s legacy. I cannot thank you enough for that. Go to your friends, Tells. The ones I didn’t take from you.”

Freedom, right here, finally in my hands. No more to do. So why doesn’t it feel right to take this?

“If it is okay, may I leave in the morning? Adam has left to get our friends, and he said he’ll be back tomorrow to get me.”

“Of course.” She gazed at me with pain in her eyes, then opened her mouth like she wanted to say something, but stopped herself. She cleared her scratchy throat. “Your payment,” she opened a larger drawer and revealed a bag of coins. She stood and walked to me, placing the bag in my hands. “Your service to the Amien Manor has been invaluable. I do hope this suffices. This should be enough to start anew wherever you choose.”

I peered into the bag, silver coins filling it to the brim. “Lady Simira, this is more than-”

“You saved my life. I owe you a life. Two lives. I cannot repair the damage, but I can compensate you with a new beginning.”

My body started turning, but I caught myself and turned back to meet her longing eyes. A burst of jitters shot through my chest, but I tried my best to talk. “D- do you, um, want to, uh, when you’re done with your legal stuff, um, do you wanna hang out?”

Her face lit up briefly, then blinked rapidly and gave a half-smile, fighting against underlying emotions. “You might have chosen the busiest night of my life to ask that. Sincerely, I want nothing more, but I won’t find rest until my eyes fall against my will. Then an early morning to follow. I will bid you farewell tomorrow, with one last… gift, if you can call it that. Something that I have, that I must pass on to someone I can trust will do right with it.”

Why did my heart just drop? Why is my head spinning? Why is everything muffled all of a sudden? What’s going on with me? Why did I ask her that? Why did her response kill me? Did I fall in love? Is it because she’s become like a best friend? Is it something else? Why do I care so much? Is it because I haven’t had my friends around? Is it because I’ve been so alone? Am I desperate for company? I know I’m leaving and I still plan to go, but… I can’t explain it, I don’t feel anything physically… I just want to be with her a little longer.

“Then I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I hesitated for a moment, and caught a glimpse of her radiant eyes gazing into mine. As soon as our eyes met, she pulled me forward into an embrace like she was hanging on for dear life. My arms wrapped around her without hesitation, both of us sniffling to stifle tears. It only lasted a moment, but I’d never forget the warmth, the connection, the love- whatever kind of love it was. She pushed me away, turning me out the door without another word. Like a second longer and she wouldn’t have let go.

I returned to my room and collected my belongings, ready to move on from Amien Manor for good, waiting out the visit night with some reading.

Twas a dismal ashen day in which we gathered beneath the arieyas to hail cups for my good brother Panisehjuh of the Mindful Ones. His students, healed of head and heart, collected among the calmly swaying arieyas and lush fields where their healing labors bore fruit. Pani, the wiseman, saved many from the self, the greatest threat abounding amidst us. In the face of my grief, I cannot ponder why such a soul would rid us of himself. For a counselor, was our counsel not sufficient, or had he simply stolen our burdens? Ay, a man of humble humor and belly-wrenching humor would be missed by all bar those who’d never heard his name. Bah, not an ear nor eye in this city nor the next escaped his mention. Once his likeness’ blaze dwindled, I discovered the flighty Larmeonip upon a stone betwixt Pani and the fields.

“Man. If you be man and not beast, prove thyself and I shall a gold coin bestow upon thee. How art thou upon the stone remorseless toward wise Panisehjuh, gazing outward from his likeness?”

“Ah, unwise Djoteided, my mind wanders the winds and I would implore thee repeat thy words that I may answer.”

“Distracted Larmeonip, thou hast not a humor of man about thee, it would appear. For why dost thou gaze away from Panisehjuh’s likeness?”

“Hasty Djoteided, thy question I shall answer in question.”

“Dissociated Larmeonip, for what good does an explanation to the dead, it would seem?”

“Mourning Djoteided, in what ways have you known wise Panisehjuh?”

“In what ways, save for intimate, have I not known Panisehjuh? Was he not the heart who listened to our woes? The mind which rationalized our words? The hand which guided toward saving? How couldst thee have not known him as such?”

“Grieving Djoteided, is that which passed abandoned to the past?”

“Traitorous Larmeonip! Wouldst thou suggest we not raise cup to our dear friend, nay, brother?! What be thy purpose amidst us men?! Thy bestial ways are unwanted among men!”

“Despairing Djoteided, is Panisehjuh not known by all? Man and beast? Do the winds, the men, and the beasts not weep for his unwished demise this day?”

“Pestering Larmeonip, thy questions are unwanted this day! Speak thy mind or make haste away!”

“Belligerent Djoteided, are not our memories apart from his likeness? Do they not drift through air and blood needle the same as brain and skull?”

“Brazen Larmeonip, I’ve greater memory of beasts and plants whose likeness shriveled in my youth! What wind carries memory of Lord Tretis or Lady Fondru whose likenesses stand atop the hill amidst unrecorded history?! Are we the bearers of his memory or this paltry wind?!”

“Thinking Djoteided, how do we remember?”

“By thought and rumination, recollection and observance.”

“In thought, we are bound to emotion and fall into hysterics, no?”

“Correct.”

“In rumination, we are exempt from feeling in favor of rationality, no?”

“Correct again.”

“In recollection, we are only among moments which we committed to memory, no?”

“Correct again, Larmeonip.”

“In observance, we are together among all who knew, no?”

“Correct again, Larmeonip, and?”

“Therein lies the wind, Djoteided.”

“Deceitful Larmeonip, thou’rt coolly watching the wind.”

“And yet I think.”

“Reserved Larmeonip, thou’rt wrought with grief.”

“And yet I ruminate.”

“Woeful Larmeonip, thine eyes are distant.”

“And yet I recollect.”

“Broken Larmeonip, thy friend is dead.”

“And yet I observe amongst those I have bestowed coins.”

Larmeonip extended a furred tendril which released a golden coin into my palm. In a moment of humility, I became caught in laughter, soured the sorry mood and cursed the grief which curdled my veil of wisdom.

* * * * *

“Blood! Blood! Blood!” The muffled voice of Eulin Amien pounded on my door almost as hard as his fist. I opened and he took off down the hall repeating that same phrase over. The festivities had ended. It was late, unusually late for anything to be happening.

Why is there blood where his hand was banging?

“Stop! Eulin, you’re not supposed to go down there! You need to go back to your room!” I yelled after him as I followed in my groggy state, yawning myself awake, fear rising as we ventured my usual morning route.

Just then, Captain Zev in full armor barreled around the corner like a bull in a china shop, bashing Eulin into the wall and sprinting past me. He turned around for just a second to yell to me before vaulting over the railing to the main foyer.

“Tells! Guard the Lady’s room! Nobody in or out! I’m going for help!”

My blood shot cold and dread drowned me as I raced through the manor to Lady Simira’s room.