Contrary to popular belief, I was not dead.

I hopped up from the blueish grass I’d landed in, feeling terribly strange. When Joey had said that he didn’t feel the blade that got him, I thought it was just the pain sensors that were turned off, but I was wrong.

The trees around me billowed and swayed, but I felt no wind. The broadsword in my hands boasted an opulent hilt bestowed with jewels and inscriptions, but I could not feel their perfectly cut edges. I stepped forward and almost fell, unable to tell when my foot had touched the ground.

I couldn’t understand why Annette and Duri didn’t mention this bastardisation of the senses. I felt like a baby taking their first steps, but I also held a razor-sharp blade in my heavily armoured hands.

The first of the minions was still a while away, so I took a few practice swings. Despite the size of the weapon, it hummed through the air like it were a blade of grass. The Strength stat on this character must’ve been through the roof, or the blade was enchanted with some ridiculous magic.

The minions nearest me were all identical — blue skin with swirly patterns tattooed across their arms and legs, snarling faces ready to rip me to shreds. I wasn’t scared, per say, but The Pickle Caverns were starting to sound alright.

My first victim leapt at me with a ravenous bark. It led with its feet, similar to how I imagine a kangaroo might do battle. I doubted it would do much damage, but I sidestepped nonetheless, following through with a horizontal swing that cleaved it in half.

“Holy!” Air exited my lungs in a cough of disbelief, and I raised my eyebrows so far they almost jumped off my forehead.

My first kill was brutal, and surreal. All my life, the concept of violence was instilled in me as the very worst outcome imaginable. Violence was born of anger, devastation and unfairness, and it birthed war and other atrocities that brought down the Old World. To hand it out on a silver platter in the form of Blade & Battle seemed perverse, and in that moment, I felt a flicker of doubt.

The second monster reared up at me, and my doubt vanished.

My blade plunged through this one, too, gritting my teeth and holding down my misgivings. I was doing this purely to win the AT-2000, to give my future a chance. Conscience be damned.

Joey’s advice bounced through my head, and I spun to check my surroundings. Sure enough, monsters flowed in from all sides, and behind the initial ranks of [Blueskins], larger beasts lumbered their way onto the battlefield.

I steeled myself and rushed forward, taking out as many of the weak monsters as I could. I wanted to pick off the low-hanging fruit, not only to bump up my score, but also to minimise confusion once the swarm really packed in. Dodging inconsequential mites would not be fun once I also had to deal with giants running me down.

I couldn’t help but chuckle at Joey. The poor guy had been backstabbed before he could get started. Luckily, his dad would probably buy him an AT-2000 if he caught wind that Joey wanted one.

Pause. Deep breath. Refocus. Using Annette’s strategy, I charged at minion after minion, darting in for a quick swipe of my blade then exiting in a hurry. If I stayed in one place for too long the pile-on would begin, and no amount of blundering and blustering with my oversized knife would save me.

The first of the larger monsters closed in, and I could tell that a single slash was not going to cut it — literally or figuratively. I’d need a plan, and a damn good one, because they were increasing in number by the second.

Intricate ideas were not my forte, especially in tense situations. All I could muster was ‘Stay the hell away from that club.’ They say that a simple plan is best — less room for error — and if that were true, I was in the clear. It couldn’t get much simpler.

I cleared the masses behind me, leading the [Brute] into empty space. The monsters I cut down would be replaced soon enough, but that was fine. They all contributed to my score, which I was sure would be growing exponentially.

At last, I could run from my monstrous club-wielding foes no longer. I faced down the bugger nearest me, assumed a wobbly stance, and charged.

The challenge couldn’t possibly have the tech required for advanced monster AI like in the real game, but I could almost swear that the [Brute] looked shocked. It might’ve just been its rudimentary brain telling it to attack once I was in close range, but still, it came to a halt like a bee at a brick wall.

I zipped around the right side and tried the same horizontal attack that had been so successful the first time. Almost immediately, I was smacked to the ground, skidding along the dirt face-first.

More creativity required.

I was lucky that didn’t end my run right there. I could only assume that I’d been whacked by a fist or hand, rather than the gnarled club it held. No helmet would save me from that.

This time, I faced the [Brute] head on. It was riskier, sure, but when a half-ton giant is pounding toward you at a million miles an hour, you sometimes make a rash decision or two.

The club arced down, ready to fast-track my face to the dirt once more. I rushed in close, covering my head and praying for the best. Somehow, I found myself standing before its oily groin, which was as revolting as you’d expect. Out of all the things they could’ve included in this dumbed-down version of B&B, I was unfortunate enough to find the freaky shit.

I slashed at the knees and…loincloth in front of me until I hit something valuable, and the [Brute] elicited a gurgling roar. It brought its arms in to protect itself and snatched me up in the process, leading to the grossest bear hug I’d ever taken part in. If I had the gift — or curse — of feeling, I’m sure I’d have felt my ribs shattering and the oxygen being squeezed from my lungs. Luckily, I didn’t, so I focused my efforts on wriggling an arm free and shivving my captor with my incumbent sword.

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It wasn’t artful, but it got the job done. A pus-like substance dribbled from the various punctures I’d made, and with each successive hit, I was granted more and more wriggle room. At last, I was dropped, flapping my arms helplessly on the way down.

I crumbled to my knees then leapt to the side as two clubs crunched the earth beside me. I was agile, but I’d have to be more careful now that the [Brutes] were in close-range. One misstep and I’d be waking up in that dark room with the fluorescent light spinning around me.

My only cover was a pile of [Blueskins]. The bodies deteriorated over time, but for now they were solid enough to provide shelter. Purple blood clung to me, running down my arms and pooling on my blade. A roving [Brute] stepped over the pile, forcing me to roll out of the way and climb to my feet. I evaded as much as I could, taking out the occasional [Blueskin] whilst a train of [Brutes] pounded toward me.

I got the rhythm now. Evade, evade, jab, evade.

I fell into the pattern, mentally seeing my score tick up further and further until the AT-2000 was mine. My character was still as lightweight and responsive as when I started, and I’d grown used to the lack of feeling.

Unfortunately, I spoke too soon.

A brilliant orange light spread from the horizon, enveloping the battlefield in a fiery hue. I couldn’t feel the heat, but I could see it in the shimmering air and the singed hair on the [Brutes’] formerly woolly bodies. [Blueskin] blood dried to a stain on my armour and sword, and I saw the beast responsible. Its black wings blotted out the light it had created, and it appeared before me in an instant, gliding in like a bullet. I was prepared to cast my sword into its scaled head but was never given the chance. A pillar of blue flame exploded from its chest and maw, carving a gorge through the terrain and charring countless [Blueskins] and [Brutes].

I am not embarrassed to say that I ran away as fast as my super-powered legs could carry me. I pounded across the field, discarding my sword so that I could pump my arms, willing myself further from the dragon.

Hopeless.

The light bore down, surrounding me in an ever-sharpening glow. In my character’s final moment, I swore I could feel the heat incinerating my armour.

I tried one last trick.

“[Dash!]”

Nothing happened, so I stopped in that beautiful field and turned to accept my fate.

###

My return trip was not pleasant.

Whereas my initial journey was merely a short jump in and out of limbo, returning to reality was like jumping into a freezing cold bathtub with overhead lights that projected the entire visible light spectrum. The left side of my head burned with an intense ache, and only when I regained consciousness did it slip away.

“Ollie!” Annette yelped.

She rushed forward and ripped the node from my left temple. She took a few hairs with it, but the relief was immediate. I opened my eyes wide then intermittently scrunched them shut, trying to relocate myself.

You’re in Major Pods. The challenge is over. A horse might’ve kicked you in the head while you were immersed, but it’s over.

Duri stepped forward. “Yo, dude, you good? Your right node wasn’t on properly.”

“I’m good, yeah. Shit hurt though. I was wondering why I couldn’t feel anything, but I guess that explains it. Only got half the experience.”

The employee stepped forward, breathing a sigh of relief now that I was showing signs of life.

“I’m very sorry, truly. I know it’s a lot to ask, but if you tell anyone about this, I’ll lose my job. Would you mind, you know…”

“I won’t. It’s okay, I’m fine.”

Her eyes shimmered, and I could tell she was biting the insides of her cheeks, trying not to cry. When I told her I was fine, she deflated like a popped balloon, sitting down in a chair next to the device she’d used to teleport my consciousness.

Once I’d caught my breath and come back to my senses, I asked the all-important question.

“So how’d I go? Felt like I was immersed for ages, right?”

She brightened up and resumed with that sing-song retail voice.

“Oh yes! You were under for, oh, fifteen minutes or so? Very, very well done, I have to say.”

“And my score…?”

She took a deep breath and paused. I didn’t have to hear the result to know that I’d lost.

“Sixty-four. It’s tremendous, you must know. The man who came in this morning got eighty-six, but he had to have at least a couple decades of experience. You’ll do really well in the Elthen Fields.”

Duri slapped a palm to his mouth and Annette burrowed her face in her hands. I didn’t think it was that sore of a topic with me, but it must’ve seemed different from the outside.

I took it easy. I’d given the employee enough to worry about for one day.

“I hope so, the Fields sound great.”

We made our way out to the main store, dejected but not disappointed. We hadn’t really expected to win anyway. How could we, when the competition was open to veterans of the game? To some players, the [Blueskins] and [Brutes] and that fearsome dragon were probably as common as breakfast.

The AT-2000 could wait.

I sat down on the trusty old couch, sinking into the worn-out folds of the leather. The employee came out and took down the challenge poster, then drew the curtains closed.

“You guys left it to the last second, you know. That was almost the latest upset we’ve ever had.”

I smiled and said thank you, then she walked away to attend to the store. Annette handed me a coffee. I sipped it, expecting to taste the dust of an unused machine, but it hit the spot perfectly.

“Still no word from Joey?” I asked.

“Ah, he actually messaged while you were immersed,” Duri said. “Said he was real sorry and all that, but got stuck helping his dad. Should we drop round?”

Annette shook her head almost imperceptibly. Joey’s dad could be intense, and it wasn’t something that Joey liked us seeing. He’d been a very successful B&B player in his younger years, and now he wanted to guarantee the same from his son, no matter the cost.

Living vicariously through Joey, I suppose.

It wasn’t known why he didn’t immerse anymore, but Joey mentioned something about clashing personalities and that was all we ever heard of it. Perhaps a deep dive into the historical B&B news would reveal more, once we had access.

“I’m pooped after that, and my head still feels a little loopy. Maybe we drop by the diner? I could annihilate a caramel thickshake.”

“Oh bro, don’t even start,” Duri said.

That pretty much settled things, so we ventured back to the diner.

The waiter-bots were always happy to see us.