“That is so hardcore of us,” Claire said.

“It certainly fits our vibe,” I agreed.

I kept forgetting that she didn’t have access to Otto’s quest, and therefore couldn’t see the objectives. From Claire’s perspective, I’d blown up an Asterian monument and ventured into enemy territory just to find ingredients for a bouquet. It was fun to keep her in the dark, but if I was giving her a sixty percent cut of the winnings, she was going to have to pull her weight.

And that meant divulging information.

“Let’s walk and talk.”

As suggested to us by Lord Piliton’s pish-posh sons, we followed the signs to Herayule. The roads improved as the traffic grew denser, and we eventually found ourselves walking in the grass by the edge of the road. It was either that or navigating the carts weighed down by supplies and their angry drivers.

“So, you know that crater in Bill’s Yard that I mentioned?” I asked.

“I do. The clean-up is likely ongoing.”

“Yeah, well, you might assume I had something major to do with it, but I really didn’t. It was all Otto.”

“That I can also see.”

I paused for a moment to pull my leg out of a muddy slosh. There was a reason for the less congested traffic over here.

“He said it was a potion he was creating, or something, and he needs two more ingredients — Perrywort and Dallytongue.”

“Ohhh. I was wondering why you turned into a tomato when the lordling said that. I thought you were having a heart attack.”

“Stop interrupting my flow, Cackles. Anyway, the Dallytongue is somewhere in Piliton’s Palace — not a palace, a massive cave system, by the way — and Perrywort is only grown in the Royal Botanist’s.”

Claire thought on it for a while, occasionally pointing to a new path when the signs pointed us that way. When we reached Terkalon’s Bridge — designated by a shoddy brick monument and a faded plaque — she dropped back.

“So not only is this a Find and Fetch quest, it’s also a Fight, Finesse, and Finagle one, too.”

“Did you seriously take this whole time to think of that? We’ve been walking for like, an hour.”

She frowned at me. “Got anything to add?”

“Hmm…Frighten? The Royal Botanist might be a pushover.”

I wasn’t granted a reply, and when I looked up to protest, Claire was standing still by the edge of the bridge, nearly hanging over into the lake.

“Holy cow…” she said.

I looked up and let out a whistling breath through pursed lips.

Holy cow indeed.

For an attraction that was primarily underground, its topside was gorgeous. Towering waterfalls crashed onto glistening white rock at least eighty feet below, throwing up spray that shone and sparkled. The white rock changed to a light brown further down, like the roots of a giant tree piercing into the lakeside and forming the entrance to Piliton’s Palace.

“Wait, so, Lord Piliton lives in there?” Claire asked.

“What? No. It just has his namesake. His great-great-great grandaddy probably discovered it or something.”

“Oh.”

We fulfilled our duty as tourists for a while longer. It was easy to do. Each time I chose a new area to inspect, the place I was just looking seemed anew, with fresh details I hadn’t noticed beforehand. I was supremely glad that it wasn’t an actual palace. That would have been a bore.

“Okay, well, let’s go raid the thing,” I decided.

Claire shook her head. It wasn’t a gesture of refusal; she was re-entering reality.

“Sorry, I totally forgot about that. Completely lost. Why we did we have to spawn in a dustbowl when this is here? So many players will probably never see it.”

We dropped down the side of the bridge and followed the river upstream to the lake. For such a huge amount of water falling off the cliffs, the amount of water running downstream was miniscule.

Claire saw my confusion.

“A lot of the water must go underground,” she said. “And I didn’t bring gumboots.”

I hadn’t brought gummies either. They were shut up in the downstairs garage, spotted butterfly patterns and all.

I was six, okay?

“Otto kind of indicated that might be the case. Apparently these flowers drink an insane amount of water. Like, a river’s worth over their lifetime.”

“By the looks of things, he wasn’t lying.”

The author's tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

The largest entrance to Piliton’s Palace wasn’t inviting. It was slippery and treacherous, a massive drop into the depths of the cave system. A cascade of water disappeared into the darkness with a thunderous roar, the spatter of it hitting its destination sounding somewhere in the far distance.

“Unless you’ve got a grappling hook and a death wish, let’s find another way in,” Claire said.

I nodded.

We had to scrabble up the banks, but smaller, less violent openings were dotted along the cliff face. Right as we almost committed to the least frightening one, I noticed a flickering light behind the main waterfall.

“Yo, wait a sec. Is that a torch over there? A brazier?”

“Where? Hurry up and get in the hole, stick-boy.”

I resisted. “No, seriously. That could be a path. Follow me.”

Claire sighed, but fell into step behind me. Even with my sense of extreme temperatures dampened by the game, I shuddered at the cold as we hopped behind the curtain created by the waterfall.

“Ah shoot. There it is.”

A shimmering white fog came into view just past where the torch was. I looked to Claire, and she raised her eyebrows. We’d both seen this before.

“Up for round two?” I asked. “Can’t be worse than the first one.”

“It literally can and will be, though. The [Dark Naga] was supposed to be a reasonable challenge for players with six-months of experience — who knows what this one will be graded as. Also, your equipment has barely changed since then. You have no freaking pants, bro.”

I looked down at the rags that I personally considered my pants. They were doing their best.

“It’s okay. I’ve got some mad potions now. This octopus friend of mine made them all by himself.”

Claire didn’t even acknowledge me. She walked right in, and I followed.

I clenched my nose immediately.

It stank.

After all the effort that Otto put into his Stink Potion — Grade A, might I add — he could’ve just come in here with an open jar and bottled up the sour air emanating from the bowels of the cavern.

The first path split into three, and we took the steepest option. It looked the deadliest, and it smelled gnarly. Video-game logic told us that this was the route to take.

“Sourrrrr,” Claire complained. “It’s like all that water coming in here just turns to milk or something. Month old, goopy rotten milk.”

“Cheers for the description. Makes this so much easier for me.”

She smiled, like she’d won a small battle. I grimaced.

Our tunnel mellowed out, opening into a cavern. From our new vantage point, it was clear that the mountain was hollow. The ceiling was so far away that I suddenly felt very, very small. I was starting to worry about the possibility of finding a flower in here.

Something about a needle and a haystack…

For a pleasant change, there was greenery. The water from above had separated into a number of rushing streams, all of them charging downhill like fingers spreading from the palm of the lake above. Mist lined the air, covering us and the blades of grass nearby with tiny droplets of water. Jagged streams of light filtered in from above, showing off how large of a predicament we were in.

“It’s huge,” I said.

“And I don’t see a single flower. But if that isn’t a monster coming towards us, I’ll be damned.”

My eyes were still focused on the scenery, but Claire’s pointing finger proved to be right. Something was coming towards us, slipping into the streams then bouncing out like a penguin leaping from ocean to ice.

“It’s…a human. But it also…isn’t.”

The thing had perfectly humanoid legs, down to the small brown hairs dotting its skin as though it had recently shaved. From the pelvis up, however, a smooth plate of ocean blue armour — still in a humanoid shape — formed its torso. At least the head was entertaining — a human head might’ve sat there at one point, but now a giant fish was halfway through swallowing it, its plump blue lips resting on its shoulders, and a tail standing rigid in the air.

“That’s nightmare fuel. I’m shooting it.”

I had no reservations about that. For now, I decided to leave the long-range fighting to Claire. If my javelin fell into the currents, I wasn’t getting it back.

Arrows were dispensable. An essential part of my arsenal was not.

Claire’s first shot thunked uselessly off the hard armour of its chest.

“Just checking weak spots!” she called. “I assure you I’m not a bad shot.”

Her next arrow went through its thigh, and it shrieked. Then it charged.

“That sounds good! Do that again!”

Unfortunately, Claire already had her daggers out, looking for some close-range combat. That was supposed to be my thing, so I stepped in to help. My first thrust felt unfamiliar, like I hadn’t used a spear in a while, but the feeling came back quick. We slashed at the creature’s legs but it kept coming, somehow fighting through the severe injuries. Testing a more direct approach, I went for the head.

Ooooo yeah. That’s the ticket.

My spear plunged into its googly eye, purple goop immediately gushing forth. It reminded me of blueberry sauce, which was utterly surprising given the malicious stench that it gave off.

{You have defeated a Level 63 Codglop.}{+340 EXP, +1 Codglop Caviar}

Ew. I don’t want its babies.

“Ollie! We didn’t frickin party up! Accept the invite — I didn’t get EXP!”

I laughed, embellishing it with an exaggerated evil cackle.

“Oops! So you didn’t get your half of the eighteen thousand EXP? Oh well!”

“Ha, ha. Accept or die.”

I accepted.

The [Codglop’s] shriek had made us the centre of attention, and now its friends were coming to join the fun. We shimmied along a thin moss-covered footbridge, making our way deeper into the cavern. At the third or fourth island, Claire leapt over a gap, barely making the distance.

There was no way I was going to make that, even with a [Dash]. Seeing no other way to advance without landing in the stream, I opened my Stats screen, scrambling to…wait.

No way to advance without jumping in the stream.

“Claire?!”

“Hurry up, dummy! I had fish for dinner last night, and these guys want their retribution!”

“I’m going to jump in!”

She made a sound like an angry giraffe. “No you are absolutely not! Have you seen these things? They’ll pull you down and drown you or something!”

I spun around, trying to see where the closest stream would take me. My instincts told me we had to go deeper, and we weren’t going to get there by dancing around waiting for fish monsters to reel us in.

“You’re gunna have to trust me. This stream looks good — it goes to the end of the cavern. There’s less guys over there!”

“No, Ollie! I can’t fucking swim!”

Oh schizer.

Out of all the useful skills to have whilst marauding around an underground, water-filled cavern, swimming was really up there with the big boys. She wouldn’t go in by herself, not even if it meant having to fight all the [Codglops].

I took a deep breath and did the first thing that came to mind.

Attributable Stat Points: (40)(-13)

Strength (10) (+0)

Defence (10) (+0)

Vitality (20) (+0)

Affinity (0) (+0)

Restoration (0) (+0)

Endurance (16) (+0)

Agility (31) (+13)

It was overkill, but I couldn’t afford to take chances.

With shiny new springs on my feet, I followed Claire over the gap. A small part of me thought, ‘Hey, you made it, that’s cool! Now you don’t have to jump in the water with the fish guys!’

But I did. I could see now where we had to go, and we weren’t going to get there on foot.

“I’m sorry, Claire. Take a deep breath and please don’t stab me.”

I wrapped my arms around her.

She protested.

We plunged into the raging water.