Hearing a boss say ‘Bad move’ is kind of like an amateur chess player hearing their grandmaster opponent call ‘Mate in 3.’ The amateur has no idea where they went wrong, but no amount of grovelling or perfect play can avoid checkmate.

And we were about to be checkmated.

Bikini-Lady dashed into Claire, sending her aloft. Unlike me, Claire had enough armour to withstand a decent blow, but I was seriously concerned for my own safety. That tail had cracked through solid stone without a care in the world. I may as well have just carried around a sheet of paper and called it a shield.

[Arc Strike]

I tried a meagre cast, surprised by the speed with which I threw it. All that training with Esko, plus a mighty 10 Strength was really paying dividends. Unfortunately, it would take a lot more Strength to throw fast enough to catch Bikini-Lady.

Bikini Lady? Bikini Monster? No. Too much like Cookie Monster. And she doesn’t eat bikinis. I don’t think.

Whatever she was called, she was gone before my javelin could even attempt to hit her. She appeared to my left, and I rolled out of the way as a claw pierced the air where my head had been. If she got any faster, I’d be in big trouble.

“Claire? You good, bud? Where are you?”

There was no reply. I knew she wouldn’t be in tip-top shape, but I was sure she could take a bigger hit than that.

Monster Lady and I kept brawling. I felt like a martial arts master, dodging and weaving, jumping and dipping around her strikes. There was no room to lash out with {The Glass Cannon}, unless I wanted to go down with the ship.

[Shield Wall]

I activated the ability as she pressed forward with another deadly strike. The compressed energy forced her back, giving me the tiniest of windows to prepare for the next onslaught. I needed Claire. She was even more agile than I was — she should’ve been able to dodge that hit…

My opponent snarled and screeched, far exceeding the volume and ferocity that the whole pack of {Codglops} produced. It wasn’t as bad as the initial stench, but I was absolutely sure that my next two purchases would be a peg for my nose, and some earplugs.

“Ollie!”

I spun around.

“Duck!”

My eyes searched the cavern for Claire. I couldn’t see her, but I followed her order. An arrow whizzed past my ear, slamming into the ground at Monster Lady’s clawed feet.

A yellow light crackled and jumped, just like my javelin when I used [Arc Strike]. A miniature flash of lightning connected with Monster Lady’s nearest claw, and she straightened up like a pole.

“Do it, Ollie!”

Oh, right. I’m the pointy stick guy.

I leapt into action, driving {The Glass Cannon} into her leathery scales.

It skidded right off.

I tried again, jabbing high on her chest where the monster’s thick neck veins would’ve begun, prior to her transformation.

Nothing again. My spearpoint slipped to the side, taking a slosh of liquid with it. For a moment I figured it was just stinky fish-boss goop, but a passing glance proved me wrong.

I made contact — her body was just immediately reforming.

Ah. I see why the Stun lasted so long. Claire’s arrows use electricity! Like [Arc Strike]!

“Claire! Her body is…” I dodged a swing. “…Made of water! Keep up those stun arrows and tell me where to hit!”

She wouldn’t have any better chance of guessing than I would, but two minds work better than one. So far, my lone mind had come up with two misses.

“Trying! Go for the head! It’s always the head!”

For a girl who reportedly ‘doesn’t do camouflage’, she was unbelievably hard to find. In-between fending off a raging Defender-Of-Flowers, I snuck glances at the cavern wall and carved amphitheatre where her voice and the arrow had come from. There was nothing hidden in the blackness.

She wasn’t even wearing dark colours. She shouldn’t blend in.

Monster Lady wasn’t focusing on her either. I was the regrettable centre of attention, doggedly evading her attacks. There were small misses, of course, evident by the slight sting on my cheek and the ache in my thigh. The wounds probably translated to a decent gash and a not-to-be-spat-at hole in my leg, but what I didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me.

As long as Monster Lady didn’t hold up a mirror to my face and say ‘Hey you! Look at this!’ then I’d be fine. My stomach didn’t do so well at dissecting frogs in science class, which made me quite lucky that B&B held back on the gore a bit, at least when it came to human and NPC injuries. The devs didn’t care about monsters one bit.

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I fell behind again.

“Little help here please! I’m worse at this than you think!”

Monster Lady hissed. “Mmmm. I can sense your weakness! I CRAaaave you!”

I might’ve taken that differently if she was in her former outfit, but not right now. Now she was a fearsome beast, clearly intent on my demise. I know some guys are into that, but I was steering clear.

My biggest regret was that I hadn’t assigned more skills before this fight. I had ten Skill Points available, but, like my stat points, I’d decided to hold them for a rainy day. Unfortunately, I was in the middle of some very wet weather, and I couldn’t reach my umbrella. Even if Claire managed to chain a few stuns together — assuming such a thing was possible — I’d probably use that time to jab a few more holes in the boss. My hesitation was really getting in the way of my success.

“Again!” Claire called.

I didn’t have time to consider if that meant anything other than ‘Duck!’. I dropped to the stone as a storm of arrows swept by me, peppering Monster Lady and causing her to cartwheel, vault, and backflip away from the attack.

Then Claire gave us our second chance.

Amongst the storm, she fired a second stun arrow. Judging Monster Lady’s trajectory with her own eye, she was able to predict right where the arrow needed to go.

The arrow hit, and Monster Lady screamed. Her scream had dark undertones, like a demonic harmonica was stuck in her throat.

“Go, you slob!”

[Spear Charge]

I tried so many places. The head, the eyes, her clawed feet, the flat piece at the end of her tail.

A desperate cry exited my lungs as she recovered from the stun and batted away {The Glass Cannon}. It spiralled, falling horizontally against the base of the Dallytongue’s pedestal.

She’s going through all this effort just to defend one stupid flower. What does it even mean to her? It’s not that pretty, is it? Alternatively…

“Aim for the base of the flower! I think it’s tied to her life force!”

Monster Lady screeched, giving the game away. It was why she has bothered catching the arrow that wasn’t going to hit her. It was why she couldn’t be damaged, no matter where I stabbed her. I knew she was made of water, but I hadn’t made the connection that she was somehow powered up by the capabilities of the thirstiest plant in B&B.

Or the equal thirstiest. I hope I don’t have to fight Bikini-Lady #2 for the Perrywort.

“Trying!” yelled Claire. “Would help if you stopped daydreaming!”

Monster Lady realised she was going to lose if she continued to fight on two fronts. Her tail zipped out at me as she batted away arrow after arrow. The monster didn’t need a bow to fire them back — she simply tossed them overhand with such velocity that Claire had to keep moving.

At least I think she’s moving. I can’t see her, but the arrows are coming from different places.

I tried to come up with some kind of Esko-approved battle plan. With only a shield, she could keep me at bay as long as she stood by the pedestal and let her tail do the talking.

My [Shield Wall] would be on cooldown for a while yet. None of the potions would help, unless the max-health buff could let me tank an entire hit.

Or maybe the {Acidic Breastplate} could. Then ‘Poisoned’ might take effect.

It was an option. And that was better than standing around.

I edged closer, climbing the dais one inch at a time. It was like playing with an angry cat — if I inched to close, the claws would come out, but if I stood too far back, I wouldn’t get a reaction.

Annette’s spawn of Satan taught me a valuable lesson that day. Let angry felines do their own feline thing.

At last, two strikes made contact with the breastplate. They didn’t pierce, but it felt like getting a boxing glove to the abs each time. I coughed and stepped back, praying I’d done more damage than I took.

Maybe.

Monster Lady looked somewhat tired, though I couldn’t tell if she was Poisoned or just tuckered out from this once-every-millennia battle. I knew I sure was, and for me it was just a usual Wednesday.

Or Thursday? Oof.

“I’ll give you one last shot, okay Ollie? This is it.”

I was so not ready, but I had to listen to Claire. She was a bulldozer when she fought, but her plans were usually sound.

The jury was still out on whether this one would be healthy for her track record.

My eye snapped to a dark crevice of the wall as her bow glowed blue. It made a sound like a charging super-weapon from the movies, which both excited me and made me utterly nervous.

“If you destroy the Dallytongue, you’ll have to own up to Otto! You’ll ruin his dream!”

“Don’t care!”

She fired, and the cavern became as bright as the world above.

In hindsight, we might’ve been able to take a less destructive approach by just…evaporating Monster Lady, but this also worked. It was much the same thing in the end.

Like a true protector, Monster Lady threw herself into the line of fire, taking the brunt of the hit right on her chest. The blast drove her backwards, gouging deep tracks through the stone right up until the pedestal.

“NooooOOooOooO!”

I blocked my ears. If Claire had destroyed the Dallytongue…

“Quick! Before she reforms!”

“Oh, shit!”

I rushed forward, tearing our reward from its lush velvet cushion. Thin tendrils of roots detached from the flower and retreated into the filling of the cushion, already shrivelling. The Dallytongue dribbled a dark blue water. Monster Lady dissolved at my feet.

We did it. No idea how, but we did it.

“I think…it’s over. Why didn’t I get any EXP?”

Claire checked her System. “I didn’t either. What the hell? That should’ve been thousands, right?”

I looked at the flower hanging limp in my hand. “I guess she wasn’t actually a monster. Just a plant. A potion ingredient. We almost got schooled by some angry water.”

“You almost got schooled. I was safe up in my hidey holes. And put that thing away quick, before you drop it.”

I snaffled it into my inventory. It was convenient not having to find a home for it in my back pocket.

“Is that it?” Claire asked.

“That’s it. The {Codglop} might still be there though.”

As if to answer my call, the shimmering fog appeared at the rear of the room. We walked through, finding ourselves back at the base of Terkalon’s Bridge. We were placed just inside a long shadow, conveniently out of sight from the passers-by.

Otto’s quest was half complete.

It kind of sucked that I was barely making any money from it, but that was the way this cookie was crumbling. At least Paul and Tren’s quest would be lucrative — I still hadn’t made up my mind on which armour piece I wanted next. It would be ideal if a new shield was part of the deal, but I was pretty confident that my choices were limited to armour pieces covered by the dictionary definition.

Still, if Great King Gonad — “Go-nar!” — happened to leave behind a fancy new shield for me, I’d happily re-home it.

“Oi, Ollie.”

“Yo?”

“It’s dark. It’ll be dinnertime in your time zone, and probably almost there in mine. Let’s come back tomorrow, okay? Pursue the Perrywort.”

This was the first time that Claire had given me a clue on her real-life whereabouts. I tried to hide my surprise and make it seem like I wouldn’t be immediately going online and making some estimates.

“Okay. Cool. Yeah, let’s do it. Weird that you know my time zone, by the way.”

“Bugger off. I see you conniving. I’ll even help you out. I’m three hours behind you. There’s an app on your Yurt that will show you a few options. Now leave.”

I obliged.

--Disconnecting, please wait--

It was indeed dark, and I had indeed skipped dinner.

Again.

God I love being a B&B player.