…what… did she… just… say…?

“Aren’t I right~? It’s so obvious from your past actions whenever you were around him.”

The girl cooed with a sly grin, but my mind totally… definitely blanked out. What… What…!

“What the hell are you spouting!?” I roared in panic.

Me? In love with Fei? That’s totally impossible! I never have any deep attachment other than with my current family and friends! And Fei is my childhood friend! My first friend in this second life who is also a rival!!

It... It doesn't make any sense!

“But you don’t want him to be alone right?” Tatiana tilted her head.

I sucked my breath right there and then.

“E-Even so…!”

“You’re happy if he’s happy right?”

“G-gah…!?”

“And you dreamed of him whenever you’re in your period right?”

“Mgh!!”

“You even thought ‘When I am next to him, we can do anything!’ right…?”

“Augh…!”

“Also, you always used polite speech and ladylike manner whenever he's around you now, right?!” 

Gyaaaaaaah!?

“Stop it! Please stop it already…! Just stoooopppp!!”

I cried as I banged my head against the ground, then rolling around with hands on my face. How could this be…!? How did she know all that?! I never even told mother—

“But you’d prefer his happiness over your own right?”

…

……hu…h…? I stopped rolling around the floor and looked up.

Tatiana smiled but I saw something behind her expression. Something different than mischief. Something that I recognized well. Something that my friends on Earth always showed whenever I did something stupid.

Then I felt her hand patting my head.

“You’ve done well.” The monochromatic girl said. “You’ve done really well, for all this time. But you know, you’re being too harsh on yourself.”

“…what… do you…?”

“You never wanted him to know since you believed the way you are now, it’s impossible for you to be anything except a burden right? You don’t want to trouble him after all that he has gone through.”

The girl chuckled.

“Such a kind soul you have there. You even hid your fear of dying before your loved ones do while holding every death you have given in your mind.”

“That’s…”

“But you can’t. You mustn’t ignore your own happiness. You don’t want to repeat the same mistake, right…?”

“…mis…take…?”

My eyes widened. My heart felt as if it stopped beating. Past memories flashed in my head and the fog clouding my mind vanishrd with quiet whispers.

"It's fine. Everything's fine now, Charlotte."

Five years ago. Deep in a burning forest where corpses of demi-humans lay asunder by a broken blade. Darkness with stench of blood and gore consumed my body and soul which drove me to rampage; all for the sake of my survival. Controlled by fear, the one who pulled me from the hell I created for myself was a person in jet-black.

"It's alright... You did well. There's nothing wrong with wishing to live. Anyone would do so." 

His words held no sign of sorrow. He simply told me what he wanted to say at the moment. He was selfish, and rude. He didn't care about my well-being at all. He just did what was right. So blunt... And so honest that my heart ached.

"I will definitely protect you, Charlotte."

And then he smiled. He smiled as he pushed me away from danger. As he returned back into the darkness, warding the monsters and their mad commander... I glimpsed his back.

Wide. Firm. Strong... And lonely.

With a thump inside my chest, the stopped clogs began to move once agai. And yet, a foreign emotion I have never felt before... something I didn't know nor understand awakened inside of me.

My heart was beating--

Times passed. I believed I had grown up and become strong enough to take on everything the world could throw at me. But the one who I was separated with surpassed even my wildest expectations.

At first, I was stunned speechless. Then I felt… proud. Seeing people around him, it warmed my heart. But when I realized I could never be at his side… my heart ached.

I came to acknowledge that I could never possibly be able to stand head-and-shoulder with him. There’s no way I can. My past experiences. My talents. My strength... They will only bring me so far.

But then, I heard his reasoning. Even though I heard his plea. Even though I could tell he thought of me deeply... But in the end, I'm nothing more than a deadweight...

I began hating myself for being useless. I was disgusted of myself for being unable to help him when he needed it the most. I hated myself for being so weak. At one point, I gave up and resorted to the easy path.

If I can’t be with him, then please let him smile in my stead -- or so I told myself. So I prayed every day, even as I woke up from dreams with tears wetting my cheek and the blanket.

"You don't want to repeat the same tragedy, right?"

I blinked owlishly, my lips perking up and my hands twitching. Those words pierced through every walls defending my heart and struck a chord inside like a tolled bell. I recalled what I have done so far, and then everything overlapped with the clearest, freshest memory from my past life.

Arika's tears. My concerned friends. The child crossing through the street. The day I lost my life for the first time...

"Repeating the same mistake…" I looked down, staring on my opened hands. "...I... I did it again...? I made... the another mistake...?"

How? Why? By denying myself by thinking less of my own value as a person. By punishing myself without considering what was going on everyone's mind when they looked at me... I...

"...No... No! I didn't!" I shook my head furiously, clutching it in my hands. "I wasn't wrong! I just... I just wanted to...! I only wanted to...!"

"...If you think so, are you fine staying like this then? Always so confused, wandering aimlessly while refusing everything that you once believed in... Will that solve your problems?"

I flinched.

"Will that fix your mistakes? Do you think you have reached the same place he is at with such shallowness?"

"...I... But I..."

I met her gaze. I met the stranger who read through me like a book. The reason why and how was beyond me, but her every word was like a sword lodging itself deep in my heart, wounding me and forcing me to open my eyes.

And I did. I averted my eyes, but I couldn't stop myself from recognizing the lies I tried to delude myself with. The buried truth was salvaged, and my chest tightened; so much it became too difficult to breathe properly.

…I remember now. How could I forget all that…? But… I can’t believe it. I can’t believe this at all… I mean, I fell in love? With Fei of everyone that I could think of? How? What were the chances?

"Ah... But no matter what, it has already happened... huh...?" I muttered, emptiness filling my voice.

Soon I laughed like a broken cassette. I closed my eyes and remembered everything about him. When he nursed me at the mountain cabin. When he tried to steal a bite while I wasn't looking. When he won the match between us. When he smiled at me in the dungeon... When he kissed me as a shock theraphy...

Aah... Damn. My head is full of him. This is just strange... I can't stop thinking about him at all. As a former man, I should have felt disgusted by myself but I couldn't feel anything other than joy when I recalled my times spent with him. What's more, the joy was paired with yearning and affections that burned me from the inside.

So... I really am... in love... For the first time in my life... I fell... in love. I can't believe it...

"Hehe, you're interesting, Mistress. So what do you say? Are you surprised?" Tatiana asked with an annoyingly familiar tone of voice. 

"Can't you see it?" I asked, lolling my head with a bitter smile on my face. "You made a total mess of me. How will you take responsibility now?"

"Aha ha! How does it feel then?"

I inhaled, then exhaled. "Complicated. Impossible. Incomprehensible. Hard as hell to understand. So many things are said and I only comprehended one thing. How am I supposed to deal with the rest?"

No idea, the girl answered spiritedly. I slumped down in complete defeat at the obviously whimsical answer. 

Somehow, seeing this girl... I was reminded of him, my friend who was once known as a world renowned genius. The two might be fiendish perverts in the core, but they have nightmarish insight that you'd think they can peer at your soul. How frightening, indeed...

"Muu~? Somehow, I feel insulted...?"

"Why question it?"

I smiled. The girl inflated her cheeks. She's adorable but I could tell how hazardous she could be if angered. Let's stop playing around then.

"...Tatiana." I called out. "How did you know all about this?"

It's a mystery for such girl to be able to gain deep knowledge like that. My true identity. My own secrets. The lies I tried to put up as a coping mechanism. And my denial over my own feelings that I was blinded by it... The girl before me is by no less, a true enigma.

So... "Heh he... That would be telling, right?"

The girl in question revealed her double canine. She put a hand on her waist and straightened her back though I think she's just showing off her melons.

"Well! As a bonus service, I'll tell you then! I'm the strongest existence in this realm after all! And let me reveal another secret of the world to you!!” She exclaimed.

Secret of the world…?

"You have a pure soul!"

The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

She pointed at me right at that moment. Hey, that's rude you know? Don't point at other people! But... Pure soul...?

"Don't you understand? Your soul is unique! It's the purest among other souls I've seen that I'm doubting why you're born a human! Even Reincarnated Ones and Summoned Ones do not have the same quality with what you have!! It's a miracle for you to live like now as pure souls are lethal toxin for impure vessels such as human!"

...eh? A Mira...cle...? It took me a few seconds before I realized what she implied.

"Wait, am I supposed to be born not as human!? So I should have died from the beginning because of my soul!?" I rushed ahead and grabbed the bars.

How... how could this be! Then what have I been doing!? I lived with all those sufferings justbecause my soul is extremely pure!? That is just too much! I lived once as a human right!? Hasn’t my life turned a full 180 degrees!?

"Well, in reality... you can live but none lived long enough to reach half of their species' average lifespans," Tatiana shrugged. "Most pure souls are too destructive in nature that gods would hunt them down for the sake of world balance. That's one of the demerits to have divine pedigree."

Now I'm an existence worse than Demon King!? What am I? The Secret Boss?!

"But relax~ I think a Major God took pity on you as they sealed most of your Soul Essence, making you harmless to the realm. The side effects are probably why you can't use most of your mana reserve or your poor health."

Ah. The cats are out of the bag now. I'm grateful but why does it feel anticlimatic...? Somehow, I also thought there's not enough details and I don't want to believe it for sure. My patron god too used cryptic words with hidden meanings... no, wait. Worrying about my origin can be for later!

"...what about talent?" I asked after thinking.

"I don't see any hint of Mistress exuding any talent at all. Maybe your eyes, intuition and memories are sharp but nothing else exist."

Argh! So I truly have no inborn talents!! No wonder Takeru said it's useless for me to train for five years! This is just too much!

"But does it matter anyway? Even the most unlucky being can become the king of the world. That's the case for Raumia and it’s not like you trained for nothing."

...huh? Raumia...? I stared blankly at Tatiana but the name resounded for so many times a switch flipped inside of me.

"That... that's right! Tatiana, do you know anything about Fei? About Vagnalos, Oratoria and the strange weapon he has?"

My rapid fire sputtering caused the girl to flinch but she snickered soon after... oh, I don't like that grin.

"Worried about your boyfriend?" She asked.

"Ye - No I'm not!! And Fei isn't my..." I trailed off.

Wait, this pattern...!

"I didn't say anything about the boyfriend being Fei, hmm~?"

I! Was! Tricked!! Curse my stupidity! I hugged my head and shook it around, agonizing my latest mistakes in the list.

"Aha ha ha ha! Mistress is a honest girl! I like you even more!!" The black-white girl laughed.

Stop laughing! I don't want to be liked by a suspicious stranger like you, dammit!! But after a while, my tension subsided and I expelled a deep, long sigh.

"Was that all...? Just what do you want from me, Tatiana?

"Oh, that. Well, since you're already linked with someone else, I decided to not against it. However, there are people that have grudges against people such as Mistress."

Grudges...? Tatiana's smile waned for a moment and yet her hand rubbed my head.

"Hey!" I yelled.

"You'll figure it out later. Also, my visit tonight is about something else." Tatiana said.

Something... This girl never even told me why she came here.

"So Mistress? Do you want power?"

...what?

"You want to be stronger right? For the person you love. That's why you took all the trouble to go here right?" Tatiana tilted her head but I don't even think I could answer that.

Me? My aim... did I even think about it? I think I've only ridden the flow like a withered log... but now that she said it......

I fought for him. I took the pain and wounds for him. I want to be his equal and carry his burdens. It's already obvious that I am lovestruck but...

"......did I even do that for myself? I..."

"Eei!!"

*SMACK!* My head was hit with a chop without warning! I hugged my head and felt the throbbing heat spreading from the crown of my head. Groaning in pain, I then looked up only to be greeted with a frowning Tatiana.

"Like. I. Said. Why do you question yourself? Mistress is overthinking too much!"

"But... but....."

My forehead was flicked right after I blurted out a complaint. I yelped as the pain increased.

"Then, does Mistress want this 'Fei' person be stolen by someone else? Does Mistress want to see him embracing another woman?" The black and white-haired woman asked.

Ugh...! That's...!!

"Of... of course not! I don't want that!!" I yelled.

"Then do you love him?!" Tatiana replied. "Do you really, REALLY love him or do you want to let him go?!"

Wuu...! I... I don't want to let him go, but...

"Yes or no!?"

Uuuugggh...! Stop it! Stop pushing my buttons!!

"YES or NO, you wimp!?"

"Agh! Yesyes, I love him, alright!! I love Fei and I want him to be with me!!"

“Then do you want to stay like this? Do you want to be weak like this?"

"Of course not! I hate how useless I am! I want to get stronger!!"

"For who?!"

"For Fei!!!"

"Why?!"

Why...? Why, you said!? That's enough of you tainting me! If humiliating me is what you want, then I'm gonna say it! I'm going to shout to the world right here and now, you bastard!!

"Because I love him! I love Fei!! I love him so much it's unbearable!!"

I flooded out everything I deluded myself away from in a long time. Like a broken dam, waves after waves of emotion burst out and becoming words.

"I like his resolve. I like his strength. I like his eyes and his smile! I always dreamed of him every single night! I always wished for his safety and hoping that I could be a step closer with him! I want to walk with him together, holding hands and laughing under the blue sky! I want to see the world with him! I want to spend time with him!! I don't want to lose him! I don't want to be separated with him!! It hurts to see him wounded! It's painful when I realized I'm nowhere close to him! That's why I want to be stronger! I want to be his equal and I don't care even if I have to turn the world against me for him! I...! I…!!"

I lost my breath for a moment. Strength left me and I slumped down as my vision turned blurry. Even though I don't have any right to say this... I…

"I love Fei... I really do..."

It hurts. It hurts me when I realized I could never be able to catch up with him. It hurts when I imagined his back vanishing into obscurity... It really hurts, you know...?

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do... I love him... but I have no right to be with him..."

All I could do is being a burden for him. I hate myself for being such a useless person. I hate myself for being so incompetent... yet......

"Just what am I supposed to do...? What can I do... for him...?"

"......"

While I sobbed and gasped, I didn't notice the hand going down and pulling my face forward.

Tough the prison bars were evenly sized and that a gap enough to let half of the head put through it, I never expected it and - my lips felt moist for an instance!

"Hn, kiss get!"

It was in a flash! Although it's because of the surprise, my heart throbbed hard and I was completely flabbergasted until blood reached the crown of my head!!

"Wh-what... what....!? What did you...!" I backed away and wiped my lips with the sleeve of the white dress!

Uu... that... that...... somehow tasted like grape...

"Thanks for the meal~" Tatiana clasped her hands together with a wide smile plastered on her face.

The lip-licking addition isn't needed!

"Heh he he...! Mistress is one heck of an innocent girl. I like you even more!" Tatiana giggled.

Uuuugggh...! Why do people around me like to bully me!? I had enough! I seriously had enough, you know!? And it's even worse when most of them were people with similar habits!!

"Tatiana, you...!"

"Oh, no worries, Mistress! I certainly decided to help granting your wish so please relax!"

How could I!? I shouted out but the girl laughed at me and walked away.

"It won't affect you immediately since some troublesome requirements are needed but as freebie, I unlocked a teeeeny bit of Mistress' Soul Essence. Well, see ya!"

Without me able to voice out any more complaint, the mysterious girl vanished. Even with aura detection, she literally vanished into thin air!

"...gah... Now I have this deep hatred evaporating." I expelled a deep sigh and put a hand on my face.

Somehow, I think I've been toyed around. Maybe I contacted an E.T. without me noticing it or I might have gone crazy. I don't know which is right or wrong but I should calm down...

"...Now I'm feeling tipsy all of a sudden..."

Crawling to the cold stone bed, I pulled a ragged cloth which had been there from the beginning as my blanket. While trying to sort out the information in my head, I was once again struck by dizziness.

To be more specific, when That Guy appeared in my head, the symptom worsened. This time though... my heart was beating faster than before. My body was hot and restless that I rubbed my knees together...

"...I said it all out, huh...?" I murmured.

In front of a stranger. In front of someone who might be a special being capable enough to identify my true identity... I exposed my heart completely.

I hugged my head and cursed, wallowing. But I soon realized there's no use dwelling in the past. What happened already happened. The past cannot be rewritten.

Still I placed my hands together and put them on my chest. The Crest is still working right now. If I focused myself, I could feel mana seeping into me from it, warming me up. But once I touched it... I remembered his face. Again.

"...Fei..." I called out. "...Fei.. I fell... in love... with Fei......."

My heartbeat accelerated. I felt the heat surging from below my stomach. Throb, it sounded while making a certain part of me tingling uncomfortably. This discomfort crawled on my skin, all the way to the marrow of my bones.

"...I... If what Tatiana said is true, then..."

This feeling will control me. It will surely cause me to veer away from my original path. It might be correct to say I will no longer be able to turn back if I accepted it.

But... I don't know why. For some reasons... I don't want to reject it. It feels as if this is normal for me. For someone who lived her previous life as a male, it's something incomprehensible. Especially when I have yet to reach the age where I died on Earth.

So... Why? Why does it feel natural for me to fall in love with Fei? Has my soul been purified, then? Does that mean that after my transmigration from Earth, I was already living under a new identity...?

I wonder. The world never made sense to me here, so I had no clue if the same laws could be slapped on everything here. What's more, I've lost the majority of my previous life's memories without entering a state of hysteria... 

"...oh well. I guess all I can do is wait and see how things will fold out from this point onward..." I shrugged and closed my eyes.

And yet, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep at all despite my tired mind.

It's always him who appeared in the darkness. It's always him who I imagined.

"......Fei..." I mumbled while feeling the pounding heartbeat with my hands.

Darkness flickered. The world narrowed and yet, I... giggled. I feel odd. It's dizzying, heavy and drowsy. How funny. I should've been disturbed, but now, I...

"Heh he… I fell... In love with you. I love… I love you... Fei......"

http%3a%2f%2fpre10.deviantart.net%2f21e2%2fth%2fpre%2f...9brzal.jpg [http://pre10.deviantart.net/21e2/th/pre/i/2015/276/7/c/rough_vol4_scene_2_by_zetsunen-d9brzal.jpg]

In bliss, I drifted into a the realm of dreams. This time, nothing weighed me down and I dreamed not of the recurring nightmare.

The clouds in my head had vanished completely. As if the darkness in my heart washed away, cleansed from existence. I wasn't completely sure since I was too tired to even think, but...

Under the veil of winter night, I slept with a smile adorning my face.