The same scenery. The same dream. The same nightmare I often saw and felt with my entire existence.
You can't do anything.
Someone said. The voice which was telling me cold, cruel and absolute reality once again appeared.
You're weak. So weak you don't deserve anything.
The voice sneered and I felt someone choking my neck from behind. I gasped while wriggling on the ground. Trying to catch up with someone who disappeared into the distant horizon painted with scarlet blazes yet was unable to as the freezing invisible hands restricted my limbs and suffocating me.
Just give up. You can't achieve anything anyway.
Darkness crept and slowly eating away my vision. Amidst the flickering flames and the coldness which kept me down to the ground, I began to lose the rein over my body.
......yeah... maybe you're right. I couldn't achieve anything.
Then—
...even so... Once the image of a youth who wielded a sword all alone amidst the blazes which seemed to mock at him appeared in my mind...
I couldn't take it. I couldn't bear to see it again. And because of that, I...
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"Charlotte!"
My vision shook and light abruptly entered it. I squinted and frowned but soon enough everything became crystal clear.
"......ah... Huh...? This is..."
The remnant of bonfire was at the corner of my field of sight. Even though the darlness thoroughly covered the surrounding, an odd sense of warmth and comfort seemed to embrace me from behind. Then I felt something like needles were poking the crown of my head so I turned up...
Why are there strands of black above me? They're quite sharp too...
"You alright?" Suddenly a familiar face descended from above and I shrieked.
"F-Fei!? Wait, why are you—"
"...well, it just so happened to be like this."
What do you mean by that!? Fei sighed and he told me to look downward. Once I did so, I realized that I was sitting on Fei's leg and my body was hugged from behind with an arm...
Wait. This is Fei's arm! Th-then... right now...!
"Eek! Le-let me go...!" I shouted frantically while feeling blood going to my head.
"Sorry, can't do. You're the first one to start it too." Fei said.
Even so, that doesn't make it right! This is in an entirely different level of something I can endure and just where are you touching!?
But as I flailed my limbs like a kid, Fei simply ignored me and started rubbing my head. He's treating me like a cat! This guy seriously is treating me like a cat which would sit on an elderly lap only for some patting and sunbathing!! Kiiiiii! Stop this madness at oooooonnnccceee!
"It's okay, I'm good at patting."
"Don't say that kind of stuff with that smug smile you dummy!! And how did you even read my mind?!!"
'I don't care.' Fei said while still patting me. Agh...! Uuu...! Stop it... stop it...! At this rate, my pride as an adult is going to... It’s going to…!
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In the end, I gave up and surrendered my fate to Fei. He beamed a victorious smile and it irked me knowing how I couldn't go against him with my illness still corroding my strength.
Hm? What about my pride as an adult? Please don't remind me about that which I threw away out of hopelessness...
Though the fever and pains have receded, the aftereffects which included short eyesight and numbness over my body couldn't disappear so easily. Not to mention I was incapable of putting strength into my limbs and I couldn't gather aura for some boost in regeneration of cells.
Haa... I'm going to die way sooner if I don't find some countermeasure for this illness of mine. Well, my top priority right now is to recover my strength so I should focus on some light exercises. Still...
"Fei, will you stop petting me?"
"Why?"
"Well... it's because..."
...uh... what to say... uhm...... it's embarrassing and I couldn't focus on my task well. Though I'm grateful he's not hugging me from behind again but the hand rubbing on my head and combing my hair is...
"Ah, w-wait...! N-not there—hau?!"
"Oh, sorry... Did it hurt?"
"N, no... it's just..."
My heart tightened every time Fei's fingers traced over my hair and when they dove deeper and accidentally touching my neck or my ears, it sent uncontrollable shivers down to my stomach. Somehow, it made me restless…
"It's unexpectedly difficult to tend your hair."
"You're the one who forced yourself to do this in the first place... Why can't you just give up...?"
"I'm not going to give up so easily on something I wanted to do."
How persistent. I knew that this guy would gladly throw his life away if he wanted to and I saw him battling numerous monsters as if it was daily routine as well. Haiz, such a handful guy.
Even so... you wanted to do something too... I never expected Fei to speak out his opinion like this. He actually changed a little after five years... he must've gone through a lot.
"A lot... eh?" I smiled wryly at the notion.
"What's wrong?" Fei asked. His obsidian grey eyes displayed a sense of inquisitiveness. "You're not thinking something like valuing yourself less than you actually are, right?"
...how did he know? I stared dubiously at Fei but his deep gaze made me froze over. He really realized it! How embarrassing! I guess I really am a simpleton...
But after thinking it through, I realized how stupid I was to worry about it and I loosened my nervousness by leaning my back on Fei. Somehow, all kind of worries were blown away and things so difficult to understand became mere afterthoughts now.
With a thin smile, I nodded down and answered with all honesty
"Why not? I think I'm still not good enough as I am now."
http%3a%2f%2fpre03.deviantart.net%2f70b2%2fth%2fpre%2f...8zmipi.jpg [http://pre03.deviantart.net/70b2/th/pre/i/2015/183/8/5/vol__3_scene_2__regular_edition__by_zetsunen-d8zmipi.jpg]
"...that's just false assumption."
"But it is true. If not, I wouldn't end up in this state again, right?"
The boy did not answer. As he stopped combing my hair and setting down his hands, I cast my gaze below and entwining my hands in front of my chest.
"...I'm not strong enough to do what I want. I haven't done enough to achieve my goal. So it's just right for me to be called as incompetent."
"...Why do you think so?"
"Because..." I paused. Then I gazed upward and met Fei's gaze. "...I couldn't even accompany you to take back your kingdom."
In my eyes, the two obsidian grey orbs widened and his mouth was slightly agape. The boy then said with a slightly shaken tone.
"That's... just stupid. You know what I did right?"
Yeah... I can guess as much as I want but since the event was quite stereotypical there were a few points which converged with the history in my world. Those being--
"You made a revolutionary army, fought nobles of your own lands and reclaimed the kingdom from where you were exiled... right?"
"......yeah."
"You saw many people died and you had to kill more for that purpose right?"
"...yeah."
"And you... slaughtered the enemy soldiers who were actually the citizen of your kingdom too... right?"
"..........yeah..."
"Tell me, Fei... were there people you know among those you killed? Like... friends or enemies?"
"..............yeah..."
I see... As a Hero... as a leader of a revolutionary army, he cast off his humanity to ensure peace even if it was a fake peace made by a mountain of sacrifices. For being a Hero meant he must remain as the ally of justice. Standing at the side of the right while giving no mercy to the wrong.
Even though he knew it was wrong. Even though he didn't want it to happen, Fei decided to sever ties with those he knew before he wandered as an Adventurer named 'Fei Cruelheart.'
How ironic. Even his name meant he must stay as a cruel, heartless individual who would do anything for his goal.
"...I'm sorry. I couldn't be there with you."
"......Why are you apologizing?"
"But you didn't cry right? Not even once. Not even when you killed the person who was supposed to be your older brother."
"........."
...now I'm correct again. To think all of my guesses were correct all along... it really wrenched my heart but I also couldn't help myself from showing a bitter smile.
"To be honest... I don't get it. Why would you kill each other when you're family? Is the throne and the kingdom worth it all to murder your own sibling related by blood?"
While I did researched on what had happened in Raumia for the recent years, I couldn't grasp the meaning of it all. Crushing corrupt nobles. Exiling the wrong sides and stripping them from all authorities and glory including decency as a human being. Even more, to wage civil wars and burning everything to the ground for the sake of 'Purification' without mercy.
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Competition for wealth and fame. Vicious rivalry between relatives for some inheritance. Betraying and murdering the parents who took the trouble to give birth and raising the children painstakingly.
"Is it alright to end it like that? Both the bonds and memories you treasured no matter how bad they were... it's because of them that you became who you are right now."
"........."
I heard a rustling sound from behind. A wispy voice which was brought up with heaviness incomparable to the ones I usually heard appeared. I looked behind me and I watched Fei who was biting his lips before saying "Then... what was I supposed to do?"
"...I saw it. Villages burned down by the knights. I saw people running and abandoning their loved ones. I saw the nobles trampling down on those men's dignity and violated women like monsters... And I saw many, many people grieved for the loss of their loved ones. Again and again and again..."
"........."
"There could have been a different way. I knew there was the option to save everything... but... there's no way... I can forgive them...... those people who caused so many sufferings... I—"
I didn't let Fei finished his sentence. Rotating my body, I circled my arms around his neck and placed my hands on his head and his back. Patting them softly, I said "It's alright... it's fine..."
The Black Hero's shoulders shook for a while if not for several moments. I told Fei that it's alright and that everything is fine. Again and again.
"...you did well. You did the right thing even if it's not the best answer you can accept."
"...even so..."
"You picked your choice. You know your limits, and you tried really hard to overcome them. I'm glad you found your way, Fei."
The boy trembled. As I felt my back tightly held by his arms, I sensed a different warmth which wet my shoulder. From the corner of my sight, I saw a drop of crystal which trailed down Fei's cheek and I patted his back.
"You regretted it. You're thinking that you could have redone it all." I uttered. "...but that's just how we are. Flawed, and making mistakes as if repeating the same tragedy."
I knew that my death was insignificant to the world, and that my presence here could be said as a dream. Even so, life is precious for all the memories, bonds and encounters I've made with different people.
I parted ways with my friends and family once. I abandoned all of my efforts achievements and died without complaint.
Of course I'm still regretting at the corner of my heart. Maybe it could have gone in a different way. Maybe it could have ended without me or the girl I saved dying. Maybe I could have prevented the truck driver from committing a grave mistake.
But it's no use thinking about it now. I picked my decision, reincarnated and living through joy and sorrow. I laughed, made friends and creating bonds with people I thought of as important. I murdered lives, harming others and stealing their rights for the sake of achieving what I think is right.
In this world where nobody knows who and what I really am, I could never hope to lean my shoulder to someone without telling them my secrets. My privilege which allowed me to live a second life while carrying over memories of past life.
It's just unfair right? To have this privilege when death separated those who held deep love for eternity. I doubt I could tell Fei about it too. But...
"It's okay. Whatever decision you have reached at, I will see through it and chase after you."
"...Char...lotte...?"
"It doesn't matter even if your decision can't satisfy everyone. It doesn't matter even if you picked the decision to abandon everything including me."
Even if you needed no one at your side. Even if you have no need for help or a shoulder to lean to...
"I will continue to pursue you. I will chase after you and one day, let's see the world from the same height. Together. Both you and me."
I pulled myself from Fei and gazed at his eyes. Telling him what I truly felt, and conveying my thoughts as I peered into the darkness within his obsidian grey pupils.
"...will you allow this kind of me to stay by your side? Will you accept this selfish request from your selfish Princess?"
His eyebrows shot up. The darkness within his eyes was washed over as his lips curved down and stretched under his nose. His eyes were lit without despair and I could see it. The bright light I saw seven years ago.
The light I adored was once again shining brightly as Fei answered.
"How could I say no? You're my Princess, the fair lady I serve." He said.
"Really...? I won't hold back to drag you when I become your equal." I smirked.
"Who do you think I am?" The boy grinned. "I'm Fei Cruelheart. The leader of the Revolutionary Army and the Black Hero who saved a kingdom from its premature demise. There's no way I will falter in order to accompany you as your personal knight, Lady Charlotte Augmund."
Haha... He's really into it. I can't believe he went on with my jokes in calling each other with such embarrassing titles. Even so... my heart thumped loudly and it felt as if butterflies were fluttering inside my stomach.
The warmth I could never experience in my previous life. This joy which was overflowing to the point of bursting...
"…Thank you, Fei."
That's right. Even that is fine. It's fine to regret. It's fine to struggle. Even so, to move forward no matter how dirty you've become... Is what a Hero must do.
"As I thought, I love that part of you."
The hands of clock stopped. While the air stilled, Fei who was showing a stiff smile tilted his head and asked.
"...what did I just hear? You... you love... me?"
"Eh?"
I nearly choked. What... wait, what did I just say...? I retraced my memories and once I remembered what I just said... blood flowed to my head and my cheeks heated up so much I felt they were burning!
"No, well...! Th-that is...! Umm...!! It—it's not like that!"
"Not like what...?"
"Well, that's...!! It's not like I...!"
"You are...?"
"......I... I...! I...!"
Something short-circuited in my mind and powerful dizziness which drove me senseless caused me to fall on Fei. I opened and closed my mouth like a fish, and somehow I couldn't say anything other than...
"...it's not like that... not like... it's not like I... Uuu........"
"......you don't have any feeling on me?"
"NO-! I mean.... yeah...! Uh... wait, that's wrong... it's just... ugh......!"
Aaaaaah! That's it! I had enough of this farce!! I went into an outburst and yelled "Yeah!? So what if I—"
*BOOOOOOMM!!* A sudden tremor accompanied by explosive sound rocked me around. I nearly fell had Fei not helped by circling his arm around me but...
"W-wait!? Just where are you touching—hyah?!"
"What—Uwaaaaa!? S-s-sorry! My bad!!"
*BOOM!* The same sound and tremor happened again. The two of us looked at each other before we heard noises and singing metal. There was even a sound similar to a roar and it's pretty humane if not resembling some rampaging demon.
"A battle huh... what a way to ruin the mood." Fei complained.
"Hey, at least be grateful that other students survived." I reprimanded the youth.
"Sorry, but I don't care about anyone other than you, Charlotte," he replied begrudgingly. "I hate this kingdom and almost everything in it."
What's that? Then why did you return, baka Fei? Oh well, talking can come later though I have something to say beforehand.
"Why are you carrying me!? At least get me my uniform and underwear before doing this! Also, where's my sword?!"
"Eh? Aren't you already used to wear risqué outfits, Charlotte? The sword broke though."
"Eei, shut up you big dummy!! Stop rambling and give me back my clothes—wait, then how am I supposed to fight?!!"
Fei sighed as he pointed at something. I followed his gaze and I choked upon seeing a skeleton with a sword embedded through its skull.
"Plenty of students died every year here. And it's also the prison for criminals so lots of weapons are around."
Eeehh.... don't tell me there's killing game like in the Hunger Games series too.
"Seriously...? Why is the school still so popular for nobles to assign their children in when casualties could happen anytime a lesson started?"
My knight shrugged as he said "It's a mystery for me too." Then he added "maybe the Academy produces copies of students to fake their deaths. Homunculus are pretty easy to make even by third-rate Mages these days."