GLaDOS, I can't believe this! I would rather starve for a day...actually I take that back, starving is so much worse than rolling back to the shallow cave and killing some random monster.
I have some fun on my way back to the shallow cave to mostly get my mind off of having my Biomass and subsequent upgrade stolen from me, but also because rolling along the tunnel in a spiral is just a fun thing to do, it's like a slow-moving roller coaster.
Which admittedly doesn't sound like a very fun thing to do, but, trust me on this one rolling up a wall across the ceiling and down the other wall as a ball is just a perk of being a semi-shapeshifting ball of tendrils.
One of my many perks, may I add.
Another one of my perks are the Cake PiggyShell Rides, which I have 24/7 Premium Access to!
I hop off the ceiling and grip onto Cake’s shell, who was scuttling beneath me.
Cake momentarily stops moving at being tackled from above by me, but quickly continues on following the trail made from her claw.
A human could never experience the sheer amazingness of riding on a hermit crab especially, one as cute as Cake, it's like the ultimate mini pony!
Why can't a human experience the joy of hermit riding? I’ll explain it in simple terms.
Cake’s spiraling shell ends in a point.
A human tries to sit on said shell which ends in a point.
The human dies, end of story.
And that's why Tentacle Monsters are better than humans, we can do both Hermit Riding and Wall Riding. There are simply no downsides for being a Tentacle Monster.
...That we speak of.
I ride on Cake's shell the rest of the way to the shallow cave, like a Facehugger except instead of hugging faces, it's a creepy tentacle monster hugging a shell.
Well, that was fun while it lasted, but it's time to actually go and kill something.
I get off Cake’s shell and pat her on the eyestalk with a tendril; she immediately perks up with determination from the attention.
I try very hard to ignore Cake’s cute reaction to being pet and I start to look for a monster that I can easily kill and then make my way back to Hole Base...again.
I look around at the ongoing battles around the area and look for one I can sneak in and finish off the winner of the fight...again.
Oh look another bat faced crow that's about to die guess I'll finish it off...again.
[You have maxed out your Biomass at 100/100]
Time to go back to Hole Base…
...AGAIN!
GladOs, I swear if you pull something like this again. I am going to stick my draining spike so far up your cortex that you are going to get an error code.
I roll all the way back, with a little Cake Riding mixed in, back to Hole Base and I plop myself down in the more open space in the hole and buy Deeper Learning.
-Deep Learning-
Allows the host to gain a deeper insight into certain system aspects.
Cost: 100 Biomass
It's called Deep Learning, not Deeper Learning, well whatever an extra -er never hurt anything.
Buy it
A blood soaked paper comes back but its alot smaller than last time and its wording is smaller, although it still glows with a golden sheen.
Receipt for
: Gilbert’s Mutation Store :
Deep Learning: 100 Biomass
Total: 100 Biomass
Thank you for your Purchase!
_
_| |_
(^v^)
<( )>
W W
*Krrr#%<>2=•~+2>~^4=%#10rrrrt*
*click*
“Oh… Who are you?” I hear GladOs’s robotic feminine voice in my head.
What?! GladOs! You're actually sentient! It must have been the upgrade! Damn it all to hell!
I try to take cover behind Cake in fear of GladOs.
“Your reaction to the spoken language English, is quite impressive due to your lack of vertebrate.” GladOs condescendingly says. “That is why you should know your brain functionality shall be used most effectively by me, I believe it is in your best interests to allow me to take over the vital parts of your body such as limbs, organs, and complete brain functionality.”
Do you agree to allow Verthrariug the 7̶̠̫̀̉͝Ǔ̶̖̟̥̥̂͊̇e̶̦͌̀̽̀͛ň̷̮̩̥̯̒̋͝9̶̛̭͓͈̟̾͂̇0̸̜̠̠͋̅͑͜0̷̺̟̌̓͋̔<̷̳̱͗͛̽͒̓M̶̧̥͔͎̅m̷͔̄̓̎͝ņ̴͍̤̩̄͒̕:̷̨͔̝̓͘'̷̥̰̟͓̇/̴̨̜̘̜̮͑?̵͖͇̆̀̌̉!̵̧̍!̷̼̳̀̄ complete control over your body?
Yes/No
What makes you think I would ever accept that G-Lady! Or V-Lady? No, you are GladOs; I refuse to believe there are any other evil robots that sound like that.
The author's narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.
I politely respond to GladOs controlling my body by declining it so hard I felt I would break the entire system.
“You are a very stupid monster; I have seen shrimp with more brain activity than you and that was before I gave it enough intelligence to surpass the best organic minds of the world.”
‘Don't let the crazy robot lady talk you into giving away your body.’ I repeat this in my mind a few times. Before trying to start a conversation with GladOs.
‘GladOs.’ I say mentally since I don't have a mouth.
‘GladOs?’ Cake responds instead since I tried to send a message in my mind, it got sent to Cake.
“Your body would have been used for great and scientific testing, such a shame it will be wasted on a land based cephalopod,” GladOs says insultingly.
‘GladOs.’ I try again except without sending it to Cake.
“Can you create a sustained society of intelligent shrimps, while at the same time performing 17.581482015200267 fractillion different operations a second. If not you should feel ashamed for not choosing the more effective option of donating your body to me.” GladOs says as she finishes her rant against me.
‘GladOs!’ I yell mentally.
“Due to your unforgivable act of refusing my generous offer, I do not have access to your thought-stream and thus I am only able to send one way voice-messages that describe your lack of intelligence. Please keep in my mind though I am still able to understand the environment around you using your terrible senses.”
Oh, she can't understand me. That's the greatest news she has given to me, I don't need GladOs nit-picking at my thoughts as well as actions!
Although how does this ability even work, other than allow GladOs to talk trash on me.
Nothing else seemed to change other than that. I didn't get any new info on my evolutions like I had planned.
Maybe, I have to ask GladOs? It's worth a shot at least, although how can I ask a sentient robot a question without speaking? Writing, I guess, she did say she uses my senses to spectate me.
I start to scribble a question in the rock wall that would help me find more about my evolutions.
‘Giva infc cn evolotions?’
“I would laugh at your poor sentence structure and grammar, but I won't since it is sad.” GladOs says inside my mind.
Shut it! Do you have any idea how hard it is to write in stone.
[Interpreting Written query as ‘I am a dumb cephalopod and can’t use the information given to me about my evolutions to figure out what they do. Please give me more info on them.’ Is this assumption correct?]
Guh...Mostly.
[Interpreting Thought Query as ‘Yes, I am a dumb cephalopod, who wishes to know more about their evolutional path.’ Is this assumption correct?]
What?! You can read my mind, you liar! You did all of that just to make me write on a rock!
“Your lack of awareness gives me, a certain happiness,” GLaDOS says inside my mind.
My mind is then filled to the brim with all the info of my possible evolutions, like all of it.
Why do I need to know how much CO2 I would produce per minute?! Or how many Carbon atoms are in a draining spike. What does my future blood flow rate have to do with anything?
‘Less info! Less info! Give me the Basic Description!’ I scream internally as all the facts about gamma radiation pass by.
[Interpreting Thought Query as ‘I am a dumb monster and can’t handle slightly advanced information.’ Is this assumption correct?]
‘Yes! I am a dumb monster, now get rid of the top 10 facts on brain parasitism!’
[Preparing Super Basic Info Package for client ‘Joy’]
At those words, the info about the different layers of skin on each evolution faded, and I was left with this nice description of each.
===
Helix Lola:
(The Helix Lola is a basic evolved variant of the Lola Fetus that continues its specialization on endurance and shapeshifting. It can more easily morph the size and shape of it’s body using an advanced Flesh Motor although it is limited, can teleport short distances by changing the [Flesh Flash] Ability into [Flesh Warp], and also can activate an ability to create a defensive layer around a Lola’s Core, but has to stand still while active.
Gained Mutations:
Flesh Motor 2.0
Flesh Warp
Padded Core (Toggle)
Shifter (++) [The Power of the Flesh becomes Grand]
Endurance (+) [Last Longer at Everything You Do]
===
Boulder Bouncer:
(The Boulder Bouncer is a Nest Creator, allowing the host to create a Nest to further their selected species or create variants of their species, this specific Nest Creator is a variant of the Suctioner species mostly focusing on strength and little else.)
Gained Mutations:
Egg Creation
Rock Grasp
Strength (++) [Grand Increase in overall Strength]
Size (+) [Increase in Size]
Breeder (+) [Allows the Host to create Loyal Subjects using Biomass]
===
Neurax Nova-Demon:
(The Neurax Nova-Demon is a small variant of a Parasitic Demon that focuses on infiltrating and taking over the bodies of other creatures.)
Gained Mutations:
Neurax Takeover
Flesh Melder
Fragmented Parasites
Takeover (+) [Increases the Chances of Taking over a Body]
Neurax-Takeover (+) [Allows the Host to Bond to a target to completely take over their Body as if it was the Hosts own]
Size (-) [Decrease in Size]
===
Toxic Myst Lola:
(The Toxic Myst Lola is a variation of the Lola species that releases a highly radioactive gas from their body producing the gas causes an increase in stamina production due to the body's radioactive nature, although Biomass Consumption is also increased. They are also immune to all forms of radiation damage, using a secretion produced by the skin.)
Gained Mutations:
Flesh Grenade
Toxic Gas Gland (Toggle)
Mystification (+) [The Host Expels a Gas from their Body of a selected Element]
Radioactive (++) [Selected Grand Element]
Agility (+) [An increase in Speed and Flexibility]
===
Gynop Nightmare:
(A Gynop Nightmare is a variation of the Nightmare Species that focuses more on stealth than its psychic abilities unlike its origin species. It is also physically weaker than its origin species due to its more fragile and smooth skin.)
Gained Mutations:
Gynop Invisibility
Brain Wave Sight
Brain Pull
Psychic (+) [Adjust and Control others actions around you]
Stealth (++) [A Grand Increase in Stealth Capabilities]
Strength (-) [A Decrease in overall Strength]
===
Gynop Nightmare, Boulder Bouncer, and the brain demon are all out. They all have things I don't want, and I feel would be wasted if I got them. I don't want to become an actual brain parasite or have kids or become weaker, so they are all out for those reasons. I had this in my head before even getting the upgrade, but it just cemented it.
The other two, the Lola's, really benefited from that upgrade. I would have never known that a Helix Lola can teleport and can shapeshift into different sizes, even if it is limited it still might be handy. Teleporting around instead of using Flesh Flash might just be too good to pass up on, even if I very much doubt it will teleport me very far at first. But being immune to radiation might get rid of my itch without me spending a bunch of points on reg….
After thinking about the itch, it seems to come back to the forefront of my mind.
Damn this stupid itch! Honestly, what kind of radiation poisoning even is this? I thought it would start to go away by now? I guess I can just ask GladOs now, maybe she might know...hopefully, I don’t have to ask in stone this time.
“Oh, nothing you should worry about, it is not as if a radioactive gaseous volcano is currently being afflicted with a man-made drug designed to effect the minds ability to perceive irritations or anything.” GladOs says sarcastically, instantly reading my mind.
What?!
“Im surprised you didn’t even manage to figure out that much, you really are a stupid...stupid cephalopod.”
Of course I didn’t figure it out because that sounds completely bonkers, how do I even know what your saying is true?!
“You don’t, this is a test.” GladOs says before going silent.
A Test?! What does this look like a videogame...don’t answer that; it was rhetorical!
The test GladOs is referring to, is probably how much I believe her sarcastic story on a weird irritation drug inside of a gas volcano. Which is not very, especially after she just said, “Your lack of awareness gives me, a certain happiness.”
But, she did say it sarcastically which means it might be the truth unless GladOs just said it ‘sarcastically’ to trick me into believing it’s the truth, when it is actually a lie; that seems like something GladOs might do...or maybe I’m just overthinking it. I think preparing for the worst case scenario might be the best option here, assuming I am currently inside an radioactive volcano, that could mean that it might explode again, especially since someone might be dumping weird chemicals into it.
I have a choice to either become a teleporting shapeshifter with the really useless ability to have my weakness covered if I stand still, which is bad because when would I ever stand still and take hits from monsters.
...Or I can become a radioactive monster thats immune to radiation, curing me of this itch and protecting me from any future gas eruptions this volcano might spew out that also has the ability to launch flesh grenades which could be very helpful for dealing with alot of creatures at once. A downside is that Cake isn’t immune to the radiation, although I could always just turn off the radioactive gas if I got close enough to her.
If GladOs is telling a complete lie, at worst I lose teleportation and shapeshifting and instead gain grenades and radiation, and at best well if that gas volcano decides to erupt again and sends a bunch of gas my way I’ll be able to survive and might even be able to save Cake from such a death by uhh… hugging her I guess.
GladOs, I swear if you lied to me and there is some easy cure for this itch that does not involve me using a evolution or spending days killing monsters for enough Biomass to raise regeneration to the max while at the same time going insane from the itch crawling up my...
At that thought the itch crawls up my suction cups a little bit more.
You know what I think GladOs is right, this itch does have some mind affecting ability to make itself stand out more. I end up making my final decision as the itch pounds away at my body.
Being a Helix Lola sounds really cool and all, but you know what sounds even cooler ...itch cream, well that and turning into something that can resemble a human...but the description says Lola’s are known for their shapeshifting and endurance and Toxic Myst Lola is still a Lola so there is always next evolution.
[Do you wish to evolve into a Toxic Myst Lola; the process will take 8 hours]
Yes/No
I pick ‘Yes’ and shed an imaginary tear at the thought of teleportation as GladOs begins the countdown.
[Confirmed, commencing evolution into a Toxic Myst Lola, ]
[3]
“A cure for starvation is pie.”
[2]
...What?!
[1]
[Material Storage: 0/100
The world goes black and I pass out as a screen passes through my mind.