There was something almost intoxicating about the long train ride. It became a liminal space that was easy to lose myself in. Out of the window the world passed by, always changing, but all that did was make the train itself feel more isolated, trapped in time never changing. We never talked about it but we had the same breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day, read the same things, talked about the same things. We indulged in the repetition of our life here. When the train did stop I found myself missing the click clack of the rails. It was like a heartbeat, comforting. We were rarely apart, the three of us, and while Anne and I couldn’t get any closer, but we found ourselves tied to Victoria. Sleeping on the couch didn’t work for her so she spent her nights next to us. That helped, but we all talked about our lives so much, even though it was little things, I couldn’t help but feel I knew everything there was to know about her.

With the days blending together I didn’t realize that it was our last day with Victoria until it was. This perfect, peaceful, isolated week was over. I would have had to see Kate and Rebecca again, the countryside that passed by us now would end and I would be in the capitol. I wished I could take Anne home to my mom and our lives could continue there. It wasn’t a real wish, I knew that I didn’t want that, but something in my mind dreamed it up because I was scared of how my life had changed, will change. There was nothing to be done about it though.

Everything was different, and while it might have been because Anne and I were together, properly together this time, I was a little excited.

The landscape changed when the train switched to the tracks running parallel to the coast. I had never seen the ocean before, and it was beautiful, but it wasn’t what had my attention. There were miles and miles of palm plantations, perfect, endless rows of trees. The only thing interrupting them were plantation villas. Their buildings were white washed, to help keep them cool, as was common along the coast, but these villas were where the nobility lived, so they sparkled in the sun. It had bothered me how out of place the Matarite flag could look. The green palm leaf on a white background had nothing to do with my home, and seeing it in the mountains where it could get truly cold it looked comical. Here though, I understood what it really meant. It was about power, not nature, it was the antithesis of nature. Whatever was before had been completely erased for the palm trees, the might of our nation reflected in neat rows of them. Anne noticed me staring out the window.

“I don’t know whether it is beautiful or horrifying,” she said.

“I’m stuck on impressive.”

We didn’t have anything else to say so we just watched the palm trees go by.

Marticourt itself was chaotic, more so for the contrast against the orderly plantations. The larger buildings were whitewashed, but with no natural barrier, besides the ocean, the city stretched out along the coast. The train slowed to what felt like a crawl after days of fast travel on straight tracks. There were people, carriages, even children playing around the railroad.

“They don’t allow tents or shacks,” Victoria explained, "so those little one room homes, and the few apartment buildings, are as poor as it gets.”

“I expected worse.” I said.

“This is the gem of the kingdom of Matara, so they hide the poverty well. There is worse in the city proper, but it is harder to see. At least running water is common, so some good comes of it.”

Anne’s tail flicked back and forth, she was nervous, “any last minute tips?”

“If only this was the last minute,” Victoria replied, “could be a couple hours to make it to the station. Just do what they say, you’ll be fine, you’ll look out for each other.”

I put my arm around Anne.

As we got further into the city the buildings went from the basic, poor homes into mostly typical Matarite architecture. White washed stone, rectangular, flat wooden roofs, balconies everywhere. It made the Beauvaisian building stand out, darker wood or stone, glass windows that didn’t open all the way, it was silly in this heat. The station was in Beauviasian style, but massive, and ornate, with a skylight that let in too much heat, but it was beautiful, and expected, they built most of the railroads anyway, or the first ones at least. Their flag, a white strip over a blue strip, flew above the station, next to our flag, at the same height. In a way I was grateful the station was so foreign, it helped me grasp how different things were going to be now that I was here. Anne, Victoria, and I didn’t know what to say in those last few minutes. We looked out the window, and at each other, and back out the window. Eventually I got uncomfortable enough with the silence to say something.

“We will write, and we'll see you again.”

“I know. I was thinking, wondering, will you get an article in any of the papers back home. I am curious what they have planned for you.”

“Hard to imagine anyone will care about that much.” Anne said.

Victoria waited until the train stopped and we were standing by the door to say anything else.

“I’ll miss you, good luck.” She said as she hugged Anne and I. It hurt a little closing the door and leaving Victoria. Anne put her arm around my waist.

“I might cry tonight.”

“Me too,” I replied, pulling Anne closer.

Thanks to the station’s size it wasn’t too crowded. Anne and I were still overwhelmed, but not to the point where we couldn’t see the man in dress uniform holding a sign with our names on it. We couldn’t see Kate or Rebecca so we figured we got there first. I had to return their pistols, and we had decided the sooner the better, we didn’t want to risk having to explain what happened to anyone. I had all the bullets of course. I still wasn’t worried but I wanted Anne to be comfortable, and honestly I wasn’t sure how I would feel about giving them loaded guns, even though I couldn’t imagine them doing anything. Thankfully Rebecca’s height made her easy to spot. Kate tried to say something but I shook my head.

“We don’t want to talk about it, or at all, let’s just be professional.” I said as I, as inconspicuous as possible, gave them their pistols back.

Next to the man holding the sign with our name was a young man in a nice suit. He greeted us when we approached. “My name is Marcus, Parliament has appointed me your liaison secretary. It is my pleasure to meet you Privates, Kate, Rebecca, Anne, and Zalgeth.” He shook our hands as he said our names. I guess he had gotten descriptions by telegraph, and it isn’t like we are hard to tell apart from a simple description. It was strange that the man holding the sign didn’t say anything and that Marcus didn’t acknowledge him, but I didn’t want to go against Marcus, not as my first impression.

“Follow me,” Marcus said, “We will talk more about the details later, for now we will take a carriage to Parliament's hotel. It is attached to the house of commons, where my office is if you want to contact me. I am sure you will enjoy the rooms. I will send a tailor by later today, your uniforms will have to fit perfectly, then I will go over what is expected of you over the next couple of days.”

Marcus was good at his job, or at least this part of it. He said little more than he needed to, but managed to keep a tone that made it sound friendly instead of blunt. I was expecting a military carriage but instead there was a luxury one. It was pulled by four horses instead of two, had proper suspension, soft seats, curtains, there was ornate stuff too but I was focused on how comfortable it was. Marcus rode in it with us, and the sign holder sat next to the driver. I guess he was security, maybe, I still wasn’t sure why Marcus didn’t hold the sign himself. He went over various trivia about the stuff we passed by. I ignored him. Anne, somewhat aggressively, was leaning against me. I knew Marcus didn’t understand, but to the rest of us it was clear Anne was taunting Kate and Rebecca. Her every touch saying you didn’t want me to have her, but I do now. I was a little concerned that Kate and Rebecca weren’t acting like a couple, at least not as much as they normally did. Maybe they knew something Anne and I didn’t. I knew outside the army homophobia was more common, but holding back in this context seemed, odd. Thankfully with Anne against me I couldn’t get too nervous, and it was a short trip to the hotel. A beautifully ornate covered bridge over the street connected the hotel to the house of commons. After talking to the front desk clerk Marcus gave Anne and I keys to separate rooms. Anne shook her head, “Zalgeth and I would prefer one room.” Marcus nodded, unphased, and spoke to the front desk clerk again. Anne smiled at Rebecca.

The room was beautiful, bland, but there was a certain elegance to it. The walls were white, and the floor and furniture were a beautiful dark wood, a nod to the Matarite architecture that even I noticed. It couldn’t have been a minute before there was a knock at the door. I expected Marcus but instead was someone who worked at the hotel, or for parliament, I wasn't sure if there was a difference.

“Sorry ma’ams, we should have given this telegram to you when you checked in, our sincerest apologies.”

“No worries.”

I sat down next to Anne and we read the telegraph. It was from Cathrine, but this was from the first day on the train, so she had said it was from Victoria’s Girlfriend. It was short and to the point, saying nothing but “safe places” and had one word descriptions next to addresses. There was one arena, two bars, one restaurant, one tailor, and three brothels.

“It’s a good start,” Anne said.

“I had honestly forgotten. That first day on the train is a blur. I was imagining just having to, I don’t know, walk around until I saw a demon and ask, or just luck out. My memory seems to go when I get stressed.”

“No worse than anyone else.” She said as she rubbed my back to comfort me. I didn’t know when Marcus would be back, so I didn’t want to start anything with Anne that we couldn’t finish quickly. I was learning that when I was stressed, but not angry or afraid, I got sleepy.

“Nap?” I asked Anne. She shrugged but lay down on the bed. Instead of cuddling up against me she gently played with my tail. Surprisingly I found it put me right to sleep. It was something about the regular rhythm of it, I think.

I woke up to someone knocking on the door and Anne yelling back, “just give us a minute.” Thankfully I fell asleep with my uniform on so all I had to do was shake the sleep out of my eyes. Marcus greeted us with a nod when Anne opened the door.

“May I come in?” He asked, having already stepped in our room. Anne and I nodded.

“I hope everything is satisfactory.” Marcus continued without giving us time to respond, “the room and any food you order, along with laundry, cleaning, and miscellaneous services, are free of charge, a thank you for your service. Alcohol however, is not, you will have to pay for any you order before you receive it. While parliament is honored to have you as guests, your behavior reflects on parliament, so please refrain from public drunkenness, disorderly behavior, and in general treat others respectfully and conduct yourselves appropriately.” I couldn’t tell if he was worried about us because we were soldiers or if it was some sort of bigotry. “Tomorrow nothing is scheduled, you have the day to rest up and prepare for the day after tomorrow. You will receive your royal shields then and meet his highness King Ashenafi Demissie Mathew.”

“Sorry to ask, but we haven’t been paid yet, for our last two weeks in the army or anything from the shields, when will that happen?” Anne asked.

“After the King gives you your shields you will attend a small reception, then the practical side of things will be explained to you, including finances.”

“Is there any way we could get some of –” Marcus interrupted Anne.

“You can wait a day.” With that, he left.

“So he is rude,” I said to Anne.

“Probably thinks we want to get drunk and high, which, yea, but,” Anne reached up and rubbed my head where my hair had started to regrow, “the not quite shaved head is not a good look. I wanted to get a razor.”

“I’m sure they will deal with it, and if they don’t, not our fault.”

“True enough.”

The tailor showed up only a few minutes later. They said just enough to get our measurements.

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It was getting a little late, so we ordered some food. It would be easy to eat enough while living here. A buzzer on the wall summoned someone who took our order and brought the food to our room. Anne and I didn’t say much, it was hard without Victoria. I didn’t notice until now, when she wasn’t here, but Victoria anchored us to the real world. Anne and I weren’t sheltered, especially not Anne, but Anne never worked before the army, she helped take care of her siblings, it was hard work, but it didn’t expose her to new things often. I spent most of my time alone, hunting or foraging, or working with my mom in the pharmacy. Anne made friends through her family, and I didn’t really have any, if I did have friends it was through the brothel I had to visit. Without Victoria we felt how hard we would have to push ourselves. To us our time in the army was meant to be an interruption, something we did to make our lives better, but we were going to go back to the way we lived before. Everything mattered more now. It wasn’t a question of making things better, but making something entirely new, something completely different.

When Anne gave me my regular nightly massage she could tell I wasn’t relaxed, not that I was tense, just somewhere in between.

“I was thinking,” Anne said as she worked on my back, “since we have no money and nothing to do tomorrow, we should spend the day in bed. I don’t just mean sex, I want to, I don’t know, get as much of you as I can before everything changes.” I didn’t know what to say, and I couldn’t hug her as she massaged me, so I moved my tail around until I found her arm and could gently wrap my tail around it.

The next morning Anne woke me when she got up to go to the bathroom. I must have been waking up already because I didn’t mind. I heard her turn on the shower so I took my time getting up, rubbing my legs and stretching them to get the morning stiffness out. I had a shower after while she ordered breakfast and a newspaper for us. I told her I didn’t know what I wanted for breakfast, but I really didn’t want to make a choice, and I didn’t want to talk to anyone besides Anne, not today. It was my last chance to be afraid of people and I was going to take this chance to be terrified. I kissed Anne when I got back into bed with her.

“I have some favors to return.” I whispered, rolling Anne onto her stomach so I could massage her back.

“You don’t have to.”

I kissed the back of her neck, “I want to.” At first I felt awkward, feeling around, trying to mimic what she did to me. I had never touched someone like this before, it was always a part of sex. Wanting to touch someone, do something to someone, but I wasn’t turned on, I just wanted her to know I loved her. She seemed to sink into the bed a little, breath a little slower, so I think I did something right. I stopped when there was a knock at the door. I hid in the bed while Anne wrapped a towel around herself and got our food. We ate in silence. I sat next to Anne, using my tail to keep rubbing her back, even though it couldn’t do what my hands did, she seemed to like it.

I knew Anne worried about how she was always initiating, so after breakfast I took the lead. I grabbed her by the hand and pulled her towards the bed. She was already a little wet which surprised me. It made sense, naked massage, and then eating breakfast naked, but to me that all felt normal, comfortable, good, but not sexy. I put my hands on her shoulders and moved her onto her back. She kissed me after I crawled overtop of her, and I kissed her back and down her neck. She tried to touch my horns but I grabbed her wrist and pushed her hand back to the bed. Anne laughed.

“What,” I said, a little annoyed, “the aggressive demon pinning you to the bed to fuck you isn’t convincing.”

Anne laughed again, “Is that what you were going for? I hadn’t noticed.”

“I can be scary.” I dragged my nails across her neck.

She kissed me, “I know you too well babe.”

“Well, what if you didn’t. Before the army, back home, I had quite the reputation.”

“Oh really?” I gently held her by the neck with one hand, pinching her nipples and playing with her breasts with the other.

“That succubus wasn’t just a good shot, her hunting knife she always had on her, it wasn’t only for hunting. She trained to use it like a sword, always ready to kill.” I put my knee in between her thighs to get her to spread her legs. “She bound her chest and hid herself under baggy clothes because she wasn’t like other succubi. She was part devil, if she smelled arousal on you she would crave your blood.” I moved my leg forward so Anne could grind against my thigh, and I played with her clit a little, but only a little.

“I would have wanted to know more about the handsome succubus everyone was afraid of.”

Her voice was a little breathless as she grinded against me. It was beautiful.

“But they say she knows poisons. A single scratch and who knows what would happen, what she might make you feel.” I pressed my fingernail into her chest and dragged it all the way down to her pussy.

“Just makes me want her more.” Anne moaned a little in disappointment as I moved my leg back, but I gently pushed on her clit and smiled as she pushed up into my hand. “They say she hunts with her knife to satisfy her bloodlust. That she sometimes goes up into the highlands to hunt gorillas, because they are the animals closest to people.” I started rubbing her clit.

“And I want,” Anne gasped, she was struggling to talk, “to know, to watch her stalk her prey, I want her, so I follow her into the forest.”

“She hunts you,” I enter her with my fingers, my thumb rubbing her clit, and I tighten my hand on her throat ever so slightly, “leaving a trail for you to follow, deeper into the forest, until you are alone with the monster. You can feel her watching you every move, see her in every shadow.” Anne tried to kiss me but my hand on her neck stopped her. She seemed to like it.

“So I finger myself, show her how badly I want her.” Anne kept pushing into my hand and I pushed back into her.

“She can’t help herself, she walks towards you, naked, hard, the knife in her hand shining in the moonlight. A part of you wants to run, but you can’t, not when she looks at you like that. All you crave is for her to catch you, to hold you down as she –,” Anne came, I felt her pulse against both my hands, the one with my fingers in her and the one around her neck, that worried me so I moved from her neck to her chest and enjoyed feeling her heart race. As she came down Anne surprised me by laughing and pulling me into a kiss.

“And then,” she said, still glowing, “we make sweet love under the moonlight and run away to live in the forest, or open a butcher’s or tannery ‘cause apparently this Zal needs to hunt.” I looked at her.

“What?” Anne kissed me again, “we have to finish the story.” I didn’t mean to, and it didn’t really feel like I was, but I cried. Anne hugged me tight.

“Oh Zal, did any of, did people really believe those awful things about you?”

I didn’t want to say anything, or I couldn’t, so I nodded. It was strange, I could feel the tears but I wasn’t breathing heavily or shaking or any of the other things that normally came with crying.

Anne rubbed my back. “I liked that ‘cause I know the real you, I shouldn’t have played along.” It took a while before I could respond.

“I started it.” I sat up and wiped away my tears.

“None of that is hot, it’s, it’s hot, the idea that you are powerful, that you want me and can do whatever you want to me, but, again, only because I know the real you. I don’t want you to be like that, have that violence. Only part of that I really liked, would like to do for real, is have sex in the forest you grew up in. We should when you take me to meet your mom, and, uh, the idea of you being able to sword fight with a knife. I didn’t expect that.”

I raised an eyebrow at her, “Did you read too many books about swashbuckling privateers saving women from pirates when you were young?”

Anne pushed me over. “How dare you accuse me of things that are absolutely true.”

I smiled at her, “I did too you know.”

“Let's do that next time. You can save me and take me away to your secret island paradise, looking all roguish with a sword and old flintlock pistol on your hip. Roleplay is better when you don’t cry after, I promise.” She sat on my hips and kissed me, “but that’s for another time, right now you’re just my perfect woman, my girlfriend.” She kissed me a little more before she moved to sit up on the bed, her back against the headboard. “Here,” she said, patting a spot on the bed next to her, so I sat there. She leaned against me and gently stroked my dick. I had gone soft from crying, but she wasn’t trying to get me hard, at least not quickly. She would stop sometimes, or only use a couple fingers, or take her hand off to rub my thigh. It was Anne though, I responded to her touch eventually, even when she barely did anything.

She kissed me on the cheek, “close your eyes.” I did as I was told. She started stroking me in a slow, regular rhythm. I kept expecting something more to happen but nothing did for a while, just her leaning against me and the same slow, soft touch of her hand.

“When I first saw you I thought you were handsome,” she said to me in almost a whisper. “I wanted to be your friend ‘cause you seemed lonely, but maybe I was thinking with my pussy.” I felt her move, and then she gave me a quick kiss on the lips, “not that it matters now.” She tapped the inside of my thighs so I moved my legs apart and felt her sit in between them. “At first I thought you were boring,” her hand moved a little faster, “so I didn’t know why I wanted to be around you so bad, but I realized it wasn’t that you were boring, it is that you are calming.” I felt her move but I didn’t feel anything different. “It’s like I’m watching myself wondering if, I am too excited, or did I look too sad, are my ears or tail giving me away. I remember being afraid of my tail wagging like a dog’s, trying not to have too much fun, but with you,” She kissed the tip of my dick and I moaned, but she went back to stroking, though a little faster. “With you I forget myself, or I am myself, and if I worry I am too much I can just look at how you look at me.” She started using both hands, “and you make everything better, I want to do stuff together, boring stuff, getting groceries, cleaning,” she laughed, “I’ve literally dreamed about it, and…” She kept going in silence for a bit, until her mouth was around me. I gasped, not knowing it was going to happen. It felt different with my eyes closed, more intense, but before I could make sense of it she was back to stroking me, and I could hear her fingering herself. Her voice was wavering now, and breathy, “and you are so good. I broke your heart and you kept all the pieces and you trust me, letting me put it back together, but…” She stopped and I felt her move over top of me and guide my dick into her. I knew it was happening but that didn’t stop me from digging my nails into her thighs as I entered her. She moaned, but didn’t move, so I didn’t.

“Look at me.” I opened my eyes and wiped a tear from her cheek before I realized she was crying a little.

“I’m a mess,” she said, hugging me and resting her head on my shoulder.

“We’re a mess, and it's fine, being messy together.”

She leaned back and looked at me. Her eyes were beautiful, a deep brown. I should notice them more. They were still wet with tears when she started talking again. She sounded a little sad, maybe afraid, it hurt to hear her like that, whatever it was.

“I sometimes, for the smallest moments, look at you and forget we’re together. I feel the same loss I used to, like you’re still heartbroken. I hate it, I hate myself, I didn’t want to hurt you, I never want it to happen again.” She put her hands on my waist. “I want you to want me, I want you to want me so much that I can’t forget it, not for a moment.”

“I do –”

“I know,” she took my hands in hers and started, ever so slowly, moving on me. “But I want you when I’m bored, or can’t fall asleep, or when something reminds me of you. I don’t want you to feel like you have to tell a story with those disgusting lies to want me, to want to chase me. I want you to fuck me because I’m pretty, ‘cause it will feel good, or be fun, or you’re stressed, or bored, not just ‘cause you’re a succubus, not just because you love me. I want your lust.”

I couldn’t look at her. “I know.”

She stopped moving and put her forehead against my horns, “Then why? We’ve made out and I’ll be soaked and you’re soft, a couple times you’ve eaten me out and stayed soft and, is something wrong, are you just like that, is it me?”

“No no no it’s not you, I, it’s.” I groaned in frustration. I couldn’t think like this, not when I was inside her. I don’t know why she was being serious now, but I couldn’t deal with it.

“On your back.” Thankfully Anne didn’t try to continue her conversation. I grabbed a pillow and she lifted up her butt knowing exactly what I wanted to do with it. I was rougher than I normally was with her but I was frustrated. She came quickly, but I was a ways off, the conversation she was trying to have with me was too stressful. I started slowing down, but Anne shook her head, “I’ll be fine, keep going.” I shouldn’t have doubted her. I tried to play with her clit but she swatted my hand away. She was smiling at me. I got the message and went at the speed I wanted, and when I came I went with whatever my body wanted, nothing close to a regular rhythm. It took a while for my head to clear. Anne was clever. I didn’t know how to feel, but it was different from normal, when I was focused on her, or when she was focused on me. At least it didn’t feel like sex with prostitutes, I don’t know why I was worried about that. Anne was looking pleased with herself but I was a little angry with her.

“Anne, don’t do that again, it got too serious at the end there.”

“Sorry I –”

“It’s fine, I just feel, manipulated.”

“Manipulated? No, I, just knew I needed to talk about it after the roleplay, that you must on some level know I wanted that, but if I didn’t say it might come out in not great ways again but I was scared to and it would be easier to say if we, were well, as close as possible…”

“Oh, I thought you were trying to get me to a point where I would have to focus on myself, to finish, both myself and the conversation. You looked so smug.”

“No no I, twice a day is a lot for me, and we kept it up for a week, and almost all the time you are focused on me, my pleasure, and it was so nice to not, worry isn’t the right word, but worry about it, that if I don’t feel good you won’t. You never really seem to do what you want or tell me what to do.”

“And you want that?”

“Sometimes, and if we are going to fuck once a day for, what, a year at least, I am gonna need it sometimes, it’s like a break.”

I sighed, “Okay, I can do that. But no more difficult talks during sex. I can’t describe it, but it feels, not good.”

Anne looked at me with sad eyes, “Can I cuddle you?” I nodded. She whispered sorry and snuggled up next to me.

“You can take as long as you want to answer,” Anne said nervously, “but do you know why it feels like you don’t want me sometimes, why your, body, doesn’t react to me?”

“Practice.” I didn’t look at Anne but I knew her confused face so imagined that as I waited for a follow up question that never came. “There was a lot of pressure on me growing up. I was scared, I needed people to be afraid of me, so I wouldn’t be an easy target, but if they were too afraid then they might do something so I, I don’t know, point is I tried my hardest to seem asexual. I was worried if I didn’t I would just be a bad stereotype and that scared me, and I knew I was going to have to enlist and I know that it kinda has a mind of its own, especially when I need sex, but no one else would understand, so I practiced keeping it down. I would bite my tongue, or I had some sewing needles I would poke myself with, and I would distract myself. I know it’s bad but I thought I had to, I didn’t know better, and I still do it sometimes, I don’t mean to, it just happens, even with you.” I didn’t look at Anne. I knew she must be worried.

“But it’s like food for you, on some level.”

“Yea, in that I have to, eventually.”

“Well no more of that. It’s a good thing Victoria isn’t here; she might actually hit you for that.”

“In public though –”

“You’re not that big babe. I’m not saying we shouldn’t check, some pants might be too much, but most should be fine. Even if someone does get a rough outline of it, what are they gonna do? Complain a succubus is horny? It’s not a big deal.”

“I don’t know.” The idea of not, controlling, made me uncomfortable.

“Well I do, day after tomorrow, when we have money, we are, wait, Catherine’s telegraph had a tailor on it. We are going to go there. You can talk to them alone, or I can, or we can together, but they must know about it, and then you are not going to fight your body anymore.”

I looked at Anne because I knew she would make me if I didn’t, “okay.”

She smiled mischievously, “and if you don’t, then, exhibitionism?”

I laughed, “good luck with that one, ain’t gonna happen.”