It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done, but I managed to get up without waking Anne. I took the time to write another letter to my mom, to tell her I met another succubus, the king, that I had new clothes, good food, and a nice place to live. Couldn’t get it to sound right though. It read like a report of my life, that I didn’t care about all the good things that were happening to me. Maybe because I was still having some trouble believing it myself, but I was happy, all I had to do was look at Anne sleeping to know that. Eventually I gave up, the letter wasn’t what I wanted, but it was better than nothing.
“Zal?” Anne said, yawning.
“Oh, you’re up.”
“How long was I asleep for?”
“Half an hour or so.”
“Sorry.”
I sat down next to her, “No, why would you be sorry?”
She lay across my lap, facing down. “You’re supposed to be the sleepy one.”
I gently rubbed her back, “It’s been a lot, sorry I didn’t notice how it was on you.”
“I didn’t want you to notice. It’s stupid, and about you, and I think I just had a weird dream about it. Can’t quite remember it though.” She was nervous, “I knew your life was hard before the army, and the army was awful to you, but seeing how much better you are now, and it hasn’t been long, and I should be happy you’re doing better, not that I’m not, but I feel like the better you do the worse it was for you, and it breaks my heart.” I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything.
“You don’t see it do you?” Anne asked.
“No.” I had to think about it for a few moments, “I hurt less, physically, a lot less, and when things do hurt I know why now. I haven’t ridden in a long time so I am a little sore from that. Before it was more random, but that’s the biggest difference, and I don’t know, doesn’t feel like it matters that much.”
“And you killed someone, in cold blood, and haven’t talked about it.” Okay, so she just needed to vent, I could listen, support.
“I would again, I don’t talk about it because it doesn’t bother me, haven’t had a single nightmare about it. We’ve been in the trenches together. I was next to you when we had our shovels out ready to kill with them.”
“But we didn’t have to. I don’t think I could have.”
“When it comes down to it, and you have to, it just happens.”
“For you, but not for everyone. Not to criticize your mom, but you were, what, like 14, when you started doing deliveries alone, riding all day to a stranger’s place in the middle of nowhere, as a girl, a succubus. My brothers weren’t allowed to go out alone until they were 16, and for me and my sisters we always made sure someone was with us, or at least tried to. And that was in a town that we knew, where people knew us, that was safe, and we weren’t demons. Kids shouldn’t grow up how you did. How many times, before the army, did you put your hand on a gun ready to shoot someone if you had to?”
“No idea, lots, why would I keep track of that?”
“Once I was afraid, my brothers were harassed by some humans and got in a fight, it was bad, but that is it for my entire childhood, the one time where I thought I would have to hurt someone to stay safe.”
“It is what it is.” I felt grateful that I had guns to keep myself safe, that my mom helped me with that, got them for me, helped me learn, it didn’t seem bad, but I guess that didn’t make it right that I had to grow up like that.
“Sorry, just seeing you out of uniform, being out of uniform, it’s a lot of feelings.”
“I know I can be distant, or seem distant, but it is a lot for me too, I think it has to be a lot for a while.”
Anne sighed, “I want to want to drink or get high. Instead I just worry. I wish I had more to do. It would help if they gave us a proper work schedule.”
I wanted to be closer to her, and it was weird that she was naked and I wasn’t, so I took off my shirt and moved Anne to be my little spoon. She’s so soft it felt like a waste not to feel her against me. Anne was a little disappointed I stopped rubbing her back, but of course she was happy enough in my arms.
“Maybe we should get jobs or something, can’t be good to sit around doing nothing until someone randomly tells us to do a thing,” I said, though I wasn’t sure, the time off should be a dream, but days of nothing made me feel almost nervous.
“If that fucker, what’s his name, met us at the train station, if he gave us a proper schedule, and I guess the army too now with their last minute letter, we could try.”
“I can talk to them about that tomorrow, and surely we can get in touch with parliament and try to get a schedule.”
“And we’ve never had regular jobs, I don’t know how to get one, neither do you.”
“Education? We have the money, if it was private lessons then it wouldn’t matter if we had to miss sometimes.”
“I guess.”
It took some time holding Anne to work up the nerve to talk about what I needed to talk about. Thankfully the revelations about how bad my health was were recent enough that I could use fear to help me work up the courage. Nothing like that was going to sneak up on me again. If I got the slightest hint something was wrong with me, or with Anne, I was going to dig at it until I understood.
“Do you like my body?” I asked her.
She pushed back into me, to comfort me, “I shouldn’t have said that, but yea.”
“No, it’s good, I can’t keep ignoring it.”
“When I was young I thought I was fat, or not fat fat, but my stomach bothered me, I tried some stupid diets, I just kinda, grew out of thinning like that. I know that’s not helpful, I wish I had more.”
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“Okay, what do you like about my body, maybe that will help?”
“I know this isn't really an answer, but I need to say it. Because it’s yours. My better answer, I like how tall you are, you’re beautiful, you’re soft, feminine, and I love how that contrasts with how masculine you are. The way you dress and carry yourself, how you can be confident, scary if you want to be. I don’t know if that makes sense, I’m trying to do better than boobs and pretty.”
“Nothing about me being a succubus, like my horns?”
“You know I like that you’re light enough to lay on top of me without it being uncomfortable, and I think I will like your wings, that you’ll be able to wrap them around me, and they’ll make you look taller.”
“I am gonna hit them on so many doorways.”
“Yea, but it’ll be worth it.”
“For you, not like I have a say.”
“None of us choose our bodies, not really.”
“More choice than demons, they can get surgery.”
“You want cosmetic surgery?”
“I don’t think so, a smaller chest would be nice but, no use thinking of it.”
“Do you want to know what I think?”
“Of course.”
“You’re not gonna be okay with it until you know other succubi. You’ll see them as beautiful, and you’ll like them, and that will let you see the same things you see in them in yourself.”
“I don’t know, I’m stuck on the fact that it would be easier to be human, how can I look in a mirror and see something other than how much harder things were for me, maybe still going to be.”
“My dad always said you are not on a path, you are the path. If you were human you wouldn’t be you, because what you’ve been through is who you are. There is no essence of self you can pull out and put on a different path, in a different life, and it still be you. Human you wouldn’t have enlisted, and even if she did, would she have been able to do what you did, I don’t think so.”
“Your dad sounds like a strange man.”
Anne laughed, it felt nice to be holding her when she did, “He reads a lot of theology and philosophy, I like it, made him easy to talk to if you were going through something rough. I didn’t notice it when I was a kid but seeing him with kids after I grew up, it is clear he knows when to just be there and when to go on some distracting tangent about something he read.”
“Still weird though.”
“It's a good way to look at life. He can go on and on about that analogy.”
There was silence for a bit.
“I have an idea that might help,” Anne said.
“Okay,” I was wary, she sounded a little too excited.
“Do you masturbate?”
“What, no, why would I?”
“Exactly.” Anne left me to be confused for a moment before explaining, “It’s having fun with your body, focusing on it.”
“Sex with you is having fun with my body, why would I want anything else?”
“I can’t believe I have to explain this to my succubus girlfriend, but it’s good to feel sexy and understand yourself.”
“Hey, stereotypes.”
“Yea but, you’re so fucking stubborn, succubi learn to be sexy, to see themselves that way, ‘cause they have to have sex. You somehow managed to not deal with it until now. I’m not saying it’s a natural thing, just something succubi are almost always forced to learn.”
“You know I can’t do that femme shit.”
“I didn’t say femme. You would do well at a gay bar.”
“I just want you.”
“You’re so frustrating,” I could tell she really was a little pissed at me, could hear it in her voice, though she was teasing a little too, “that’s not my point. It’s good to feel sexy, to feel desired, and to know your body, how to feel good with just yourself, especially since I suspect that the way you feel about your body is connected to the way you feel about sex. You enjoy it with me but you should also enjoy it for yourself. It can’t be about me every time.”
“I guess.”
“Like, do you have fantasies?”
“You.” I knew that for sure at least.
“Obviously,” Anne was annoyed, and I wasn’t surprised, I knew that wasn’t what she meant, not really, but it was the truth. “Anything specific with me?”
“No, I don’t think about like that, feels like I shouldn’t, that’s it’s inappropriate, especially when I have the real thing.”
She rolled over and looked me in the eyes, “why would you think I wouldn’t want that?” She looked at me like I had an answer, but I didn’t. Anne gave me a quick, gentle kiss and asked, “Am I pushing too hard?”
“No, no, but it is too much for now, I still am struggling with having more sex, and not getting rid of erections, it’s overwhelming.”
She cuddled closer up against me, her head ending up between my breasts. It was nice, and to my surprise it didn’t feel entirely sexual.
“I’m sorry,” she said, “I think too much, and I have so much time for it. I just want to help and I know you are working on things, I am so proud of you.”
“We can’t keep saying sorry this much, we never need to, I understand.”
I felt her nod.
“Do you have any fantasies,” I asked, scratching her head.
“Of course.”
“You gonna tell me?” I teased.
“No making fun of me.”
“I would never.”
“There’s one that’s not the usual stuff –”
“Usual stuff?”
“Like being in love, thinking about stuff I liked we’ve already done, somewhat public sex, or with a chance of being caught, spanking, handcuffs, threesomes, you know, common stuff most people are into.” I wanted to question how Anne knew most people were into those things, but now wasn’t the time. “And you can’t judge me. Fuck, why am I nervous it’s not that weird.”
I laughed to try to lighten the mood, “I’m sorry you caught my prudishness.” I wanted to know what she wanted. It was Anne, I was sure whatever it was wouldn’t bother me.
“It was on the train, I don’t know how it got in my head, but it was you fucking me whenever you wanted –”
“I already do that, you never say no, which is –”
“Let me finish. It was, or what is hot about it was that it would happen in front of people, wherever and whenever you wanted me.” I waited a moment to make sure I wouldn’t interrupt her.
“So you wanted Victoria to watch?”
“No, yes, the idea is no one cares, that she wouldn’t watch. No one looks or pays attention to me. Like we would have lunch in the dining car and you would tell me to give you a blowjob and I would, right there under the table, or you would wake me up to fuck me and you don’t hold back or worry about how it feels to me you just do what you want to me.”
“Did you want this with any of your exes?” I asked.
“No, just you. I think it is a trust thing, not that I didn’t trust them, more that I trust you more.”
“Makes sense. We’ve been through a lot together.” I knew what I wanted to say, but it needed to be said perfectly. Anne wasn’t good at being vulnerable, and I wanted her to open up around me whenever she wanted to without fear. If I fucked this up she might not tell me stuff like this for a while.
“Anne, I think maybe you are worried about me, and this is a way for you to know I am getting what I need.”
“Yea, that’s part of it, doesn’t make me want it less though.” She had me there, don’t know why I thought that mattered.
“I won’t do public stuff,” I explained, “but otherwise I can try whatever you want. You’ll have to tell me you want this though, often, I like pleasuring you, not myself, I am not sure how to enjoy myself with it.”
“I figured, I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“No Anne, no, I’ll try it, with you nothing could ever be bad, but I want to do this right. Can you come up with what specifically you want to happen, and tomorrow, after I do whatever the army wants me to do, we can go over it and maybe try?”
“You don’t have to.”
“I want to, you do so much for me, let me try.”
“Okay.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”