Anne and Victoria cared so much about me and they were clearly hurting, so I took three more pieces of bread and started eating. It wasn’t a great idea but it was the only one I had. If they were worried I wasn’t eating enough I would eat more.
Victoria frowned at me, “You don’t have to.”
“I don’t know how else to cheer you two up. I’m open to suggestions.”
“Zal…” Anne sounded so sad. I hated it.
“I’m sorry I didn’t know how you really felt about me.”
“No Zal, no no no don’t be sorry. I lied to you and you believed me, you trusted me.”
“I still trust you, I always will, and I will always believe you. I don’t care that you lied, you needed me to believe the lies, and I did, so no harm done.”
“Even though I didn’t choose you?”
“Of course I’m heartbroken, but if I could have what you could have I don’t think I would choose me.”
“No! Don’t tell me that!”
“Sorry, just trying to make you feel better.”
We heard the waiter coming upstairs with our food so we stopped talking. When he left Anne continued.
“I know Zal, I know, but how am I not supposed to hate everything knowing we want the same things. I’m so angry I can’t even process it.”
“I smoke a lot, tried drinking, but weed works better.” Victoria wasn’t joking. Anne ignored her.
“How can I be a good mother when I know my child is why I gave up Zal, how do I keep my resentment from poisoning them, and if I stay with you how do I keep from hating you for making me give up on my dreams, for keeping me from my family. Fuck, even now, will I ever be able to be live them again without thinking, I gave up Zal for this, I gave up Zal for this, over and over until it wears me down.”
“Anne, Catherine and I, when my little sister was still underaged, we took the third weekend of each month and I would see my sister and she would stay with her demon friends. I of course told her all about Catherine and after her 18th birthday we had a meet Catherine dinner and yea it was sad but it was fun and it worked out.”
“Zal doesn’t have any demon friends.”
“Yea but she’ll get some soon, right Zal?”
“Yea, I will…”
We ate in silence for a bit. The food was good.
“You were right Victoria,” I said, “It’s wildly different from the deer I had growing up but it still reminds me of home, of my mom.”
Victoria smiled, not enough to seem happy, just less sad, as she looked at us and said,
“I forgot about her. Someone else who loves a succubus, in a different way, but still.”
“I wish she was here. She knows about you Anne, my letters home were mostly about you. I didn’t tell her about, well, but she must know it went wrong between us. I barely wrote anything after that, just enough to let her know I was still alive.”
“What does she think of me?”
“That you’re too timid, not focused. That intensity I have that Rebecca pointed out comes from her.”
Victoria laughed, it was fake, but I was glad she was trying. “Yea I think the mother that gives her eight year old a musket might be a little intense.”
“She was right to, for the animals, and it was only a few years until men started to be an issue, and it would have sucked having no experience with guns and dealing with that.”
I waited, eating a little more, to see if they wanted to say anything. They didn’t so I continued.
“I wish she was here. I wish she saw you lose your shit at those two. She would be proud of me for falling for a woman who could do that. I should write her. It will take ages to get to her and she will rip me apart for not writing about what happened with Anne right after it happened, but I don’t know maybe her being aromantic will let her see something we’re missing.”
Anne laughed, “scraping the bottom of the barrel.”
“At least we have Victoria, she must be from the top of the barrel.”
“Thanks.”
Anne and I said you’re welcome at the same time.
We finished eating without saying anything more. Victoria was looking at Anne and I, clearly considering something.
“What is it?” I asked her.
“I know why I chose to date Catherine seriously, and I think it makes sense for you two, but I don’t know I just met you today and I hope it isn’t trauma bonding tricking me but it will eat away at me if I don’t tell you, but if I do and ruin your lives you need to to promise you won’t blame me and you won’t rush into it. And Catherine and I don’t have the most perfect relationship. We are at seven years, but that isn’t forever.”
“I could never blame you, if it goes bad between me and Zal that is the fault of the world, not me, not Zal, not you.”
I nodded in agreement.
“The reason I chose Catherine was because she can consent. Anne, if you have a kid and start to resent them, they didn’t agree to that. Your kid and I guess your younger family members can’t possibly understand, but Zal does. She knows you might need to leave if you miss your family or something happens and they need help, and most importantly, Zal can be with you knowing you might resent or even hate her one day, your future kid can’t.”
“I don’t know if I can do that, take away what she dreamed of her entire life.”
Anne smiled at me, “even if I asked you to?”
“Please don’t, not yet at least.”
“Before you two think about it, there is something else.” Victoria turned to Anne and took one of her hands in both of hers.
“When you were having your outburst you called me your sister, why? What does that mean to you?”
“I hated you when you first showed up, for obvious reasons, but when you came out of the bedroom with Zal you looked queer and Zal seemed so comfortable around you. I don’t think I have ever seen her like that except when she was alone with me, and I was grateful that you helped her and she was comfortable and it was like I knew you were safe and you reminded me of me and then when you brought up Catherine it all made sense, and I was so mad at Rebecca –”
Anne’s tail puffed up a little, and I didn’t want her getting worked up again.
“Victoria, is that enough, maybe we shouldn’t talk about it anymore, for tonight at least.”
She looked at Anne, “yea, I don’t think we need to, but point is, and I don’t want to put anything specific in your head, but family can look a lot of different ways. Not having kids doesn’t mean not having a family.”
Anne frowned, “I know but…”
I looked away because I didn’t want to see her looking at me. As selfish as it was I didn’t like how right now our relationship, what we could be, was on me. It was easier when I couldn’t give Anne what she wanted and that was it. I couldn’t be excited about the idea of being with her again, at least not right now, I just wanted an answer, one that was clearly right, I hated not knowing what to do.
“In that case, “ Victoria said, “let’s pick up some dessert and head back to our car?”
I stood up in agreement and they did too shortly after.
Anne looked so small. I couldn’t tell if it was because she was tired after her outburst or if it was because she seemed larger than life when she stood up for herself.
This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.
The variety of deserts was overwhelming. I had already eaten far more than I normally do so none of it looked appealing. I had cake and various sweet fried doughs before but the shapes and colors were unlike anything I had seen on food before and I couldn’t understand how they were supposed to communicate what it would taste like. It didn’t help that the flavors were almost all spices which were out of my budget so I had no idea what any of them tasted like. Anne was just as confused as I was.
“Anything in particular catch your eye?” Victoria asked.
“Maybe something plain?” Anne replied.
“Cheesecake then, no spices on it other than a little cinnamon on top.”
Victoria lifted the glass case and gave Anne one slice, took one for herself, and gave me two.
“If I throw up, you are cleaning it.”
Victoria laughed, “don’t be so dramatic you’ll be fine.”
Victoria and I had a little panic when we got back to the private car, we had forgotten to ask for the key, thankfully Anne still had it. I thought I wasn’t afraid of Rebecca, even after Anne told us how she acted, but when we got in the private car and locked it, the only key with Anne, Kate and Rebecca’s revolvers in my pocket, I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.
I wasn’t paying attention to Anne, I don’t know why, I guess I just didn’t notice her, so when she hugged me after I put my plate on the coffee table I was surprised. I was worried, it felt too soon, or too fast, that with no one else who could be here to comfort her, no one she really knew, I was all she had for comfort and I didn’t want her to feel forced to come to me. How could we talk about her future when I was here with her on this train, in our own little social bubble that was just us and Victoria. She should be with her family, or be able to be with them. I could already tell Victoria’s point about consent had convinced Anne, it wasn’t hard to figure out, but it was too fast for me. It wasn’t that I thought it was going to happen, but it might, she might hate me one day. If this was as far as we went I would know she loved me, that she would always love me. I was ashamed, a part of me was afraid, and that fear made a small part of me want to push her away. I’m not a coward though. Not a coward. If it was best I risk her hating me than I risk it. If she wants my comfort then I trust her to be able to pull away if she wants, I had to. It took barely a second to think this through before I pulled her close with one hand and scratched behind her ears with the other one. I missed how her cat ears moved a little with every touch, it was cute. She buried her face in between my breasts and I braced myself because I expected her to start crying, but instead she started purring. She was happy in my arms, with me. I don’t know why I didn’t think Anne could be happy with me, I always imagined a future with her where she was less sad, content at best. Years later she might hug me like this when I came home to her, or when she came home to me. I cried a little at that thought, holding back enough that Anne didn’t notice. Victoria, of course, did. She looked at me questioningly so I smiled at her and shook my head, hoping to let her know the tears were good and that I didn’t want her to say anything to Anne. For a while I wanted this moment to last forever, but forever is a long time and standing started to hurt.
“You can keep cuddling me, but Anne, I would like to sit down, maybe eat, my legs hurt.”
She nodded, keeping her head against me. It was an awkward shuffle to make it to the couch to sit down because Anne didn’t let go of me.
I ate as Anne sat on my lap, still holding me, purring, though not as tightly and as loudly as before. Victoria slid my cheesecake down the coffee table to me and got a fork. The cake was amazing, but heavy, too heavy.
“I’m not gonna be able to manage half a slice, never mind two.”
“Truth is, I don’t know how much you should have, just that you should be eating until you can’t have anymore. I was hoping to get you used to the idea of taking more than you need and eating until you are completely full. If you do that for long enough you will eventually get an idea of how much you should be eating.”
“Clever.”
“I’m only with you for a few days so I wanted to teach you things you can keep, I mean will keep doing without me.”
“Yea, I’ll miss you.” Anne said, her voice muffled by, well, me.
“About that,” Victoria looked a little uncomfortable as she spoke, “and this is definitely trauma bonding, but I want to hear from you two after this, maybe see you, whatever you end up deciding with each other. I take trips like this for work sometimes, or you could come back to Gannaburg, I’m, invested, at this point. You have to at least write, I will leave my address, I’ll worry if you don’t.”
Anne adjusted herself to be able to look at Victoria.
“I would like to hang out with you and Catherine sometime and just, talk about things, or just bitch. Like I don’t know if this happened to you Victoria, but it was so weird when I first started trying to, I guess date, Zal. She is so dense. I touched her so much, flirted as hard as I could, sometimes I thought I went too far and felt gross at the thought I might have pushed her, and all these people, most of them I never said a word to, pulled me aside to ask if she was taking advantage of me, if she was hurting me.” Anne laughed a little, “One time, Zal was complaining about how much she had to spend on prostitutes so I said “You could just fuck me.” and she told me I was too nice and not to worry about it, and people were worried she was taking advantage of me.”
“I don’t remember that.”
“Of course not, it didn’t occur to you that I wanted to, that it wasn’t some weird favor, which, by the way, no one does that as a favor. And when we did get together, finally, even more people asked me if I’m okay, and strangers were keeping an eye on us, like, sorry Zal, but you are so basic with sex, not that I didn’t enjoy it, not that I don’t miss it, but you wouldn’t believe it Victoria it was like every time I had to remind her it was supposed to be fun, and everyone was worried about me, not Zal.”
Victoria smiled, “I believe it, my parents were worried about me even though I asked Catherine out, and I believe you about Zal. Quite the achievement being a repressed succubus. You know what she said to me? That it was “easier” to use her dick for sex with me because I am a woman.”
“Zal! No! That’s awful, you didn’t.” She gently slapped my shoulder, nowhere near hard enough to hurt, it was just to make her point. “I’m sorry Victoria, I will teach her. I should've, I mean. I can’t believe I didn’t talk to her about it, I just thought that was the kind of sex she liked.”
“Anne, I haven’t agreed to try again.”
She held me tighter, “I know, don’t remind me… and how are you not ashamed of yourself right now?”
“I’m thinking.”
“About what?”
“... When you said people were worried about you, not me, did you mean they should have worried about me?”
“Well, yea, I am so much more experienced than you, and I pursued you, and as far as I am concerned I took your virginity. I know it’s not technically true but sex where both people want it is different, and, like if someone wanted you, and you didn’t have me, they would have just had to take your wallet and then you wouldn’t have been able to afford –”
Victoria interrupted her, “Anne, not tonight.”
“Right, sorry Zal.”
Victoria wasn’t fast enough, I knew where Anne was going and I held onto her as tight as I could. Why didn’t I realize how vulnerable I was? I was so focused on the idea that a gun could protect me, that if I was quick on the draw and aware of what was around me I was safe but –
Victoria put her hands on my cheeks and forced me to look at her.
“Zal,” she was almost shouting, “what do you want to do in Marticourt?”
“I, what, what about –”
“Nope, what do you want to do in the big city with your time off and some money?”
“I, um… I want to try a proper steam room. Hot showers and baths have always helped with pain, helped relax my muscles and I wonder if the effect would be more in a steam room.”
“What else?” Victoria asked, letting go of my face.
“Uh, I’m curious about pharmacies in the city. I got most of what my mom made medicine out of from the forest, but in the city that is impossible so how do they do supply chain stuff, how do they afford it, are there pre-made versions of everything, and to me medicine is part of the land, so how do they manage that? I know it is a science but I didn’t learn much of that part. I also wonder just what they have, what is trendy, does medicine have trends in the city? Now that I think about it, is there demon medicine? I know we are generally poor but with enough of us maybe we could support a place that actually knows what stuff does. I’ve never taken medicine.”
“And?”
“I know you want me to, that I should, and I do want to, meet other succubi, but that scares me and I don’t know if I am ready. I learned what little I know about myself from reading and I want to see what books proper libraries and bookstores have about succubi.”
“Anything else?”
“I think that’s it, uh, a horse? I don’t know how to get around, and how would I keep it from getting stolen? But, yea, a nice horse would be, nice.”
“I want to see a proper beastfolk tailor,” Anne said snuggling into me, “all these army uniforms are for humans, too heavy, summer is awful, and it pulls at my fur sometimes, just awful, and I want dresses, I prefer them when it’s warm out.”
“Yea,” Victoria laughed, “some of us look too good in suits and have to suffer through the heat, right Zal?”
“Never been able to afford one, there wasn’t a reason to spend the money.”
“We can have a clothes day!” Anne could fill herself with joy so easily, I was a little jealous.
The following silence didn’t last long. Thankfully I wasn’t spiraling anymore, but Anne was clearly worried about the possibility and after looking between Victoria and I to see if we wanted to say anything she spoke up.
“I don’t want to sleep alone. I never really have, and after today, and even though I was scared of those two, I thought they would be here, and especially after today, I just don’t want to be alone. I don’t care if you need or want to have sex with Victoria just let me know when you’re done. Ugh that’s weird, I should feel gross about that right? Or be turned on? Less neutral, I don’t know.”
Victoria shook her head, “No sex tonight, this day has been a lot, and tomorrow will be tough too, lots to talk about.”
“I thought stress meant I should? Didn’t you imply that?”
“We will talk tomorrow.” Victoria replied sternly, not in a mean way, just to let me know not to talk about it anymore.
Anne was still in my lap, and since she brought it up I could now tell she was tired. I had a concern, and I felt bad bringing it up, but I wanted to be careful with Anne, and I guess I should want to be careful with myself.
“Anne, not that I don’t want to, but we should be careful, try to keep a clear head for tomorrow. Maybe Victoria could sleep between us?”
“No.” Victoria replied. “I mean look at you two, you’re so cute, and when Anne started purring you cried.”
“You cried?” Anne said, looking up at me worried.
“Good crying, happy, and just a little.”
“Okay.” She said, settling back into my lap.
“See?” Victoria said, “I can’t.”
I sighed and looked down at Anne, “Yea, I see your point.”
Victoria took one side of the bed, Anne and I took the other. I shouldn’t have worried, I was asleep before I could feel anything about being so close to Anne again.