“First of all,” Alterez started as his all-too-wide smile plastered itself upon his face. “I can neither confirm nor deny any such actions, real or imagined, that may or may not have taken place. Any such allegations of misdeeds committed are as slanderous as they are fictitious. Furthermore, any alleged crimes would have occurred centuries ago and are thus beyond the statute of limitations, not that I would ever engage in such dishonest and criminal activity, being that I am an upstanding member of society and a pillar of the community.
“Now, I may recall a time or place when a certain old man traveled through the territory of a certain goblin tribe, where one unnamed but ridiculously handsome and charming goblin may have witnessed some coworkers try to engage in larcenous activities against said old man. Said coworkers may have burst into flames and turned to ash almost instantly. The heroic goblin in question may have then run away to warn the others. The hero may have then returned with reinforcements, after which the same outcome came about. The hero may have then returned with certain individuals from the tribe that our hero did not like, which resulted in the same outcome. Now our hero, ever pragmatic, would not have let all the personal effects of his associates go to waste and just rot away on the ground, so the hero may have collected any valuables that were in dire need of ownership and a new home after a night of gambling. That’s all I have to say about an unclear memory I have that may be from some book I read or something.”
“Hmph, or something,” the old man snorted as he shook his head. “Gong farmers everywhere would strike it rich with you. They have but to make you speak, and shit comes out of your mouth. Well, at least I know why you tried so many times. You are not the first to have goaded his associates into attacking me for such underhanded reasons as looting their remains, but few have been so clever or annoying.”
“You may have me confused with someone else with your most charitable compliments,” Alterez responded as his smile widened even further. “I assure you, my goblin body you see before you did not engage in any such ‘underhanded’ activities with you in the past, at least to my knowledge.”
Alterez shared a knowing look with me as he finished his explanation. We both knew that he has reincarnated many times into the bodies of other goblins that have perished through circumstances that most likely involved his unsound advice. As such, he undoubtedly did not possess this particular body at the time of the crime.
“Well,” I interjected with my best diplomatic personna after a silent pause in discussions, “it seems that is one mystery solved. Perhaps, my good sir,” I continued as I addressed the old man,” you would elucidate the circumstances and motives that bring you all this way to grace our humble town with your presence.”
“Hmph, it seems you put that shit in your mouth to use for the purpose of fertilizing those flowery words of yours, but I know you don’t want me here. Too bad!” Some incoherent grumbling and muttering followed before he continued. “I know the end of the world when I see one, it’s not my first time, you whippersnapper. It will draw my kin and I like carrion draws vultures. Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be abused,” he looked around for a moment as if he had made a great joke which none of us understood, and indeed, no one was laughing. He grumbled a bit more about ‘back in my day’ before he continued. “Well, my kin may cause chaos, but we won’t jeopardize the fate of the world since we reside here and all. It gets rather boring for a while when civilization gets wiped out,” he finished as he stood silent, his eyes trapped in a forlorn gaze viewing that which only his memories could provide for him to witness.
“That does sound like a terrible fate,” I condoled after an appropriate moment of silence. “Well, since you do not enjoy such solitude, perhaps you would appreciate me assigning an honor guard to you for the duration of your stay.”
“Hmph, more like they are for the protection of the people here than my own safety, but it isn’t like I can stop you.” With teeth gritted, as if he struggled emotionally to say the words, he labored to continue. “I will try my best to keep my meddling to the appropriate minimum since we share a common cause.” A hurt look of disappointment and annoyance crossed his face. I suspected his nature was to antagonize people into attacking him, so abstaining from his favorite pastime for the greater good must have weighed heavily upon him.
“A most magnanimous sacrifice on your part. We are all grateful for your assistance and cooperation in saving the world,” I replied with an equal mix of sincerity and veiled sarcasm.
“Hmph,” he grumbled, trying to hide his flustered embarrassment at my compliment by stroking his beard. “Oh, I guess I should release this lot from my aura,” he stated casually. With a wave of his hand, the supernatural fear that gripped the masses dissipated, even if normal fear still remained.
“Gam-”
“Here, Boss!” responded just the kobold I wanted to talk to as he and Bambina swiveled around to stand in front of me. I somehow never detected their approach, and between my senses and the bond we shared, it should have been inescapably obvious. I made a note to work more on my bond with them and Alterez at some later date.
“Excellent,” I stated before clearing my throat, a maneuver performed strictly to regain my composure at my two biggest fans’ unyielding commitment to the bit of serving me. “Form up a kobold honor guard. I am picturing big flashy banners that will catch the attention of passersby. I don’t want anyone to aggravate or attack our community’s newest guest by mistake. Bambina.”
“Here, Boss!” she chimed up as I called for her.
“I want you to lead an educational campaign so that everyone here is fully abreast of the situation. I want everyone to know the basics of Demons, Titans, demigods, and whatever else great and powerful that may crawl out of the woodwork at us so that we can avoid future mishaps. By my authority, this is compulsory education. Nanu should be able to provide all the knowledge you need to educate the masses. That’s all I have for you two at the moment.”
“Yes, Boss!” they answered as one.
“And don’t call me Boss,” I replied back to their sharp confirmation of my orders.
“Yes, Boss!” they responded just as enthusiastically as they snapped to attention. I could see the twinkle of mischief in their eyes as they did so.
Sighing, I turned to Skull as my eager kobold companions scurried off to perform their master’s bidding.
“Would you kindly and peacefully disperse this crowd for me.”
“Yes, Boss,” she replied with a snarky smile before she acquiesced to my request. Cheeky.
She would rather scare them away, but she had been told to play nice. Surprisingly, her voice was extremely positive and chipper, as if she had worked in customer service or as a tour guide, one jaded by life but still capable of killing her customers with kindness. When idiots asked her questions, she gave non-answers and a cheerful smile that somehow still communicated the towering monstrosity of unbridled terror that lurked within her, which quickly sent the remaining rabble scattering for their homes. Doors would be locked tightly that night, but whether it be more out of fear of Skull or the Demon was anyone’s guess.
----------------------------------------
Groggy and groaning, my fist smashed impotently in the direction of the alarm crystal that my First Love had crafted for me. I swear the thing had been designed to gleefully evade my attempts to thwart its incessant chiming as it announced the arrival of a new day. Victory was mine in the end, but ultimately pyrrhic in nature, as the damn thing was also linked to the magical apparatus that automatically drew open the curtains when the alarm was silenced.
This novel is published on a different platform. Support the original author by finding the official source.
Even after all these decades, I was still used to the hours more common to a lady of the night, one who ensured the normally lonely hours until dawn were not spent in solitude for those who could afford to part with some coin for the privilege. Those had been good years, but I didn’t want to stagnate in that profession, despite how well it suited me, and so I had to moonlight as the hunter instead of the hunted in order to find companions.
Fortune me, that I made such a career change for my adorable and at times dorky First Love. Had I not been in the guildhall that day, I may have missed him entirely, for he never visited the pleasure district of Berkerin. Well, not unless I dragged him along to indulge with me, and indulge he did, much to my satisfaction. Still, it would have been a chicken and the egg scenario, so I remain thankful to the man who suggested the career change and even went so far as to open doors for me in getting my job, which was strange considering he had not been one of my clients. Thinking back, I vaguely recall that he seemed rather familiar.
I shook my head at such musings. That was many years ago now, and I had only met the man briefly, so my memory of him was foggy at best. Either way, it all worked out well in the end, and hopefully today would, too.
First Love had left a warm bath for me. He, as well as the rest of his harem, had departed early. Today was the day to start moving camp through the mountain now that the tunnel was finished. It would be smooth sailing from here with the frequency of changing camps being increased dramatically. Not only could he build roads and dig tunnels faster, but now that the road made its way through less mountainous terrain, it would be a far easier undertaking to continue construction, and thus, necessitate moving the camp often.
After a pleasant soak and some breakfast that First Love had left for me, I finished dressing myself for the day. I caught myself rubbing the bracelet that he had acquired for me as a symbol of his affection, and more and more, I found comfort in it beyond any such trinket I had received from past paramours. He and I both still bedded other people, but we still chose to be with each other most of the time, which satisfied me more than I had expected. What had started as a fling on my part had grown into something serious, an eventuality that past me would have scoffed at. Smiling, I stepped outside the house and into the fresh air of early autumn.
“Morning, Chooka,” greeted an axolotl-kobold child as she walked past me by while on her way to do whatever it was that kobolds did. Absolutely adorable, as long as one looked past how they had no native morality of their own.
One couldn’t throw a rock around here without it bouncing off one kobold and it hitting another. And there were so many types. Axolotls, salamanders, newts, geckos, chameleons, iguanas, and skinks were of the anthropomorphized critters that I knew of. They flocked here from all over the continent after The Battle of the Swamp that occurred so many weeks ago. Each and every one of them adored and perhaps idolized dragons, with the ambition in their heart to become dragons themselves one day. Gambino and Bambina, each now having a draconic Blessing, were practically royalty to the kobold masses, and their leadership had been undisputed. The town had physically doubled in size to accommodate so many kobolds, but they were not idle.
Even now, I saw a pair of them pushing some elf, his legs confined in casts, in a wheelchair for his morning constitutional. Such sweet things, helping our wounded recover. It must have been quite nasty if the healers could not have tended to his wounds. His face suggested a level of resigned displeasure, but I suppose that is to be expected from one so confined and helpless.
Filing that under ‘not my problem’, I continued my short walk to the guildhall. Today would be another day of packing things away for our migration, but fortunately, I had a small army of kobolds who were well-versed in how to handle that for me, so I only needed to perform a perfunctory effort to oversee the whole affair. Instead, I would do what I always did. Paperwork did not process itself, thankfully, and I would certify those quests and allocate the payments that my clerks would then dispense to the eager Adventurers looking to make some coin.
We had only the best Adventurers around here, or at least we did initially. Gold chaff had migrated to our town, and being more pressed for manpower to address the seemingly unending hordes of beasts and monsters that lurked this deep in the wilderness, we accepted all the help we could get. Quests were accepted within the day, and by evening, new quests were drafted to investigate what had become of those who never returned to the guildhall for payment and a night of merrymaking. Some Platinums specialized in those tasks and earned good coin and free loot by ‘avenging their fallen comrades’, as they liked to put it.
Sadly, I had processed the whole stack of paperwork waiting for me before we had even opened our doors to the public. I idly tapped my fingers, waiting for the moment some uppity Adventurer demanded to speak to the manager. I was itching to knock some sense into a few skulls, for while those Gold and Platinum Adventurers could take me in a fight, they all knew of my status and my relationship to a literal Emperor Dragon, so most knew better than to fuck with me.
Sadly, without a [Noble] to keep the wilderness at bay, there were not any darling Coppers or Silvers out here. It was bittersweet to see those bright-eyed and bushy-tailed youths swagger towards the desk with bravado or timidly look around until invited over, only for far too many of them to leave one day on a quest and never come back. No one was ever sent to determine their fate, but more than one Adventurer had come across the corpses of the unlucky. Everyone here was seasoned and could not be as easily teased as the young’uns.
Oh, how I had worried when my First Love had left town on his quests, each time fearing he would not return. I had learned long ago, through the most painful of lessons, not to meddle in what Adventurers would try to tackle. A mild suggestion here or there was best, for trying to pull them to me only served to push them away. The day he had slain the hydra had left me crying when I found some time to be alone, for he had come so close to death over a stinky wheel of cheese. Gods, I was a mess of love, anger, pride, joy, and fear when he had casually informed me how he had slain a beast most feared to tackle, and alone at that. But, he had brought with him the egg that held within it one of my greatest sources of joy, so I could not complain too much.
Speaking of, The Boys should be waddling over here any minute now. They like to snooze until after sunrise, and since they are not helping with building the road today, we get to spend the day together as I work. Sure enough, within minutes, the door slowly opened as five heads, two legs, and a stubby tail entered my office.
“Mama!” four of them greeted me. “Snacks!” greeted Dio. The other four just looked at him like he was not all there in the head. “Snacks,” the other four eventually chimed in as they scurried over and jumped up and down in front of me.
Fortunately, my adorable Boys had the presence of mind to shrink down to lapdog size, otherwise they would have wrecked the building. The smaller size also meant snacks lasted longer. Using a ring that First Love had fashioned for me, I withdrew bits of jerky from dimensional storage and fed them each a piece.
“We love you, Mama!” They all sang to me as they nuzzled their snouts into me affectionately.
“Oh, you little cuties!” I replied as I scooped them up and held them in my arms. “I love you so much, too.” I remained ever thankful that First Love had somehow shared the Ability for me to understand what The Boys were saying. Even though I understood their affection, it was great to know precisely what they said.
“Ma’am,” a voice stated loudly at the door as a knock was rapped out with confidence. “A customer wishes to file a complaint.”
“Be right there,” I replied to my clerk. “Let’s go, Boys. You know the drill.”
Eagerly, I bounced my way along, descended the stairs, and headed through the employee side of the guildhall to the front desk, where I was ushered to the complaining customer.
“Took you long enough,” shouted the pretentiously dressed gnome that I recognized as the leader of The Elite Crimson Four, their group moniker related to the red hair that each member possessed, but I could tell that the female elf dyed hers. “Your clerk wouldn’t let us accept this quest,” he continued as he held up the paper for the quest.
“I’m so sorry about that,” I said in my best customer service voice. I could clearly see that the quest required a minimum of eight people, and since no one wanted to work with The Elite Crimson Four, they lacked the manpower to meet the safety standards of the quest. “Perhaps I could direct you to where you can file your complaint,” I continued as I set The Boys down on the counter.
The Boys hopped off the counter and onto the floor, where they turned to face the gnome whilst they expanded in size until they crowded the ceiling. Five heads full of teeth nearly as long as the gnome, and far sharper I might add, lowered themselves down to his height as they surrounded him.
“Just fill out the form and place it way back there in any of those mouths. Don’t be afraid to crawl inside if you need to. They don’t bite… much.”
The gnome proceeded to piss himself as The Boys licked their lips in anticipation of a snack. Today was off to a good start.