We waddled out into the daylight behind our soon-to-be opponents. The Giant Frogs, no longer [Giant Frogs] for their Blessing, remained alert as they followed behind us. Hopper, the male frog with a black body covered in red, orange, and yellow flame patterns, registered as [Kaeru Kenshi] to our Skill, [Discern Snack Potential IV]. Ribbette still had a purple ribbon on her head, which didn’t seem very edible. It went well with her purple and green stripes with skull-shaped dots of the opposite color that went lengthwise across her body.
Hopper sported a new straw hat, slightly conical in shape, with a long gash cut into it just above his right eye. He had a piece of straw in his mouth, which [Snackitude] labeled as “farmer’s gum”, whatever that was. Hopper also had a large sword at his waist, one with a curve to it, which [Detect Head-Cutter-Offers] labeled as an ōdachi. Very nasty, very dangerous, not very snackable. Good thing Hopper was on our side.
Ribbette wore some sort of shirt, except it mostly only covered her arms and shoulders, looking more like one long tube of cloth going from arm to arm with loose sleeves, the pattern mostly white with cherry blossom petals on it. She also wore a white scarf with bloodstain patterns of purple and green upon it. It also had bells attached to it along the top and bottom of its great length, but they did not jingle despite her movements. We are not so fashion-minded, but even we can tell that her clashing menagerie of clothing accessories did not conform to social norms.
So boring, stop talking about their clothes! Dio here; the cowardly dragons gave some big dumb speech about stuff and mentioned their names. Viscount Branislav was the bigger one and our opponent, Baron Eradnevir was the other one and would fight our friendly frogs. Whatever, I don’t try to learn the names of my snacks, so I don’t know why he bothered. They instantly chickened out and took to the sky after all those words, right where they were hard to reach. Prudent, for they would be no match for me if they stayed on land to fight us maw to maw. Plato released us up to an appropriate combat size, one approximately in an equal weight class to our opponent.
Being that I am the only one among us awesome enough to blast them out of the sky, I began charging up my [Solar Nexus], the surrounding sunlight funneling into my mouth as I prepared to obliterate the big one with one solid hit. My brothers, like, covered for me or whatever, doing their things with lesser breath attacks. I couldn’t be bothered to control the legs, so someone else did that.
Careful, brother. Good thing that I, Socrates, remained vigilant. I deftly waddled us out of the way of a slow-moving bombardment that peppered the landscape in a straight line, the attack made of sticky globs of [Burning Blood], according to my [Detect Snack Attack] Skill. We would need to bide our time and study our target. The first thing I knew about our adversary is that I knew nothing. However, my brilliant strategies would always carry us to victory, provided my brothers would just listen.
I released a [Controlled Smokescreen] into the air above us, such that we retained the advantage of sight down on the ground, but a clever layer of it hovered above us so that the dragons could not see us. I magnanimously shared [Smoke Vision] with my brothers. Though a passive Skill for me that allowed me to see through smoke, fog, mist, and the like, I generously spent my hard-earned mana to allow my brothers to benefit from it.
Dangerous, too dangerous! What if they could see me, Aristotle, and hit me with some attack before you completed the Skill link with us? Too risky by far. I released blast after blast of fire breath attacks in front of us, each pooling into a ball and attached by a string of flame to a different tooth in my mouth. I only have so many teeth, so I had to be cautious. I would stockpile them up, and then when the dragon came to land, I would launch everything I had at him. Too soon and I would risk missing; too late and he would be fully landed with wings ready to shield my attack.
Careful, steady. I want to go home. But, that dragon was made of meat, and the best snacks are made of meat, therefore the dragon was a snack. Ahah! Fire! I unleashed a full salvo via my Skill, [Look on the Broadside]. A few scored good hits, but there is no kill like overkill. Fire everything at everyone! Fire everywhere, let the world be consumed in cleansing flame, that the snacks will be purified and ready for consumption. My laughter drowned out my fear, the fiery glow of the dragon across from us reflecting not just off my eyes, but my very soul. I had never felt so alive, the fire speaking to me as it-.
Well, shit. Aristotle just got decapitated. The dragon had retaliated with a bright red beam of blood that shot straight from its mouth, completely obliterating the neck of my beloved brother. More snacks for me, Plato, if we can kill the dragon before Aristotle regenerates. Still, that was not good, not good at all. Only one of us needs to live to the end, but our odds of winning decrease with each true head lost.
I utilized [Headhunter] to recruit new heads for our body. I went through the list, picking out what heads were available from the shared pool of spare heads in my family tree. Ah, perfect, these two would do. I jettisoned the remnants of Aristotle’s neck and began growing out Achilles and Patroclus. They had a favorable combo that may come in handy right about-.
Okay, well, I had intended to time it better, but another blast from the dragon had already obliterated Patroclus. We were not yet in melee range of our opponent, so that seemed bad. Hopefully, I could keep Achilles under control so he would not attack us while I focused on closing the gap to our opponent. I waddled us forward, but the window of opportunity to use the combo closed quickly, so I sang out the incantation.
“RAGE: Sing, Goddess, Achilles' rage!”
Achilles grew longer, thicker, and meaner. His teeth transformed into gouging curved spikes, perfect for piercing scales and gripping prey. Our legs swelled in size and strength, and our waddle accelerated several times over as the distance between us and our prey quickly evaporated.
Single-minded in his bloodlust against our opponent, Achilles rammed us right into the startled dragon. I coordinated my brothers into wrapping around the dragon to pin him, leaving the biting work to Achilles. I used [Safety Bubble] to protect our main body, the Water magic shielding us from magic and blows alike. Powerful, but expensive, I would not be able to maintain it for long.
The dragon roared in defiance, but it found itself quickly outmatched. Each bite from its maw and rake of its claw only enraged Achilles even more, and more than I normally do, I felt like a passenger in my own body as I struggled to maintain control from Achilles.
Yeah, dumb plan. I had enough sunlight now, so leave it to me instead of the intern. The dragon’s head eventually got pinned in place, so I lined up my head straight across from his. He struggled and tried to prepare his meager breath attack, but I was faster. Point blank, I unleashed [Solar Nexus] right into his open mouth. It wasn’t a kiss or anything, idiots, just an attack. It’s not like I like the dragon or anything.
Dragons don’t have cloacas or posterior orifices like that, but by the time my attack completed, this one sure did. With his neck lined up straight with his body due to how we pinned him, it obliterated his insides and punched a hole straight out of him under his tail. I guess today was the day that the sun did shine in that particular spot, for I am clever and my brothers would have laughed at my joke if they were smart enough to understand it.
One thousand snack deficit for Dio!
I second that!
I third that.
I canceled Achilles, his neck falling off and rotting away within minutes. We all glared death stares at Dio. My brothers nipped at him, and while I focused on regenerating Aristotle, they broke out into a bit of snippy fighting with teeth gnashing at one another. Dio had ruined the single greatest snack haul we have ever had. It had that scent, the same scent as the delicious snacks that had been given to us by Papa-Not-Papa-Snack-God.
You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.
I snatched up what scraps I could find while the others bickered. But then, they paused, eyes turning to me as they noticed my chomping away at what I could find. Their qualms forgotten for now, they lunged into the ruined corpse of the dragon, each pushing at each other and me as we devoured what we could scavenge.
Papa, Mama, and True-Mama’s ghost. Whoever eats the fastest, gets the most!
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And there, near the shores of Lake Arthu-Pul, did the Baron Eradnevir and Baron Noddeg perish, felled by my own blade and by the clever poisons of my beloved Ribbette. How two such foul fiends could share one body, only the gods knew. For as soon as Baron Eradnevir had taken his starting position for our duel did his body split in twain down its length, each half in symmetrical proportions. Blood spewed forth to reform each half, and where one dragon began, two stood to face us. We exchanged introductions as customary etiquette demanded, each side remaining civil during such formalities.
The fiends, lacking honor, took to the air posthaste, and forthright were they in administering their aggression upon the landscape. Vexed by our nimble forms peerlessly evading the foul machinations of their blood sorcery, they roared in dual shriek's of rage as they harried our position upon the earth. Oh how I lamented my impotency at such a distance, for neither blade nor tongue could assail our foes at such range. A stalemate soon ensued, neither side able to strike forth and offer wound and insult to the other.
Fortuitous, then, that the barons offered a silent accord, for they alighted themselves upon the earth and gave battle proper. My blade yet remained sheathed, but the opportunity to enter the grand melee favored my training. In tandem, like noble dancers upon the lily pads, my beloved and I dashed to and fro, harrying the enemy with our Skills.
For several minutes, I landed blow after blow with kicks and punches, the strikes ineffective at wounding our foes. Not in vain did I strike thus, for I provided the frame to that picture of beauty that is my flowery love. Ribbette struck forth with [Poison Needles], each honed with [Acute Puncture], so that they flew through the air to where I had struck as if bidden by the very heavens to strike true. Hardy adversaries, possessed of a stalwart constitution, but they displayed no signs of affliction from my beloved’s poisons. However, I trusted in her knowledge of her craft, that our foes would succumb to such toxins in time.
My beloved sang to me of her affection, her voice carried the sweet promises of a life well spent in her company. Great croaks assailed the barons, the acoustics resonating with the needles already impaled into their flesh, sinking them deeper and amplifying the poisons upon them. Then she opened her mouth wide, from whence spewed forth a green mist, one that carried death upon it, for to breathe it was to find the eternal slumber of the grave.
She and I suffered not from the ill effects of such foul vapors, but alas, my vision failed to pierce through such a veil. My sense of sight hampered, I relied on the bells on my beloved’s scarf for guidance, their chimes informing me of her location and that of our foes. Baron Eradnevir, perhaps in dismay by the sudden fog of war, attempted to take flight, and by the guidance provided by the bells, I struck forth to thwart his ascent.
Upon taking a deep breath, I activated [Flame Dash] to spur me forward and [Leapfrog] to carry me aloft. My blade, unsheathed for the first time during our altercation, swung forth to strike true, deftly decapitating the craven baron who dared to flee the battlefield. However, such was not enough fell him, for blood rushed forward to reform his head. However, the baron found his flight arrested by the kiss of my blade, and soon he crashed back down upon the earth and into the fog once more.
Alas, I too could not remain aloft at my leisure, and so I descended abruptly. There below rose up the maw of Baron Noddeg, his visage one of satisfied mirth as he endeavored to swallow me whole. Auspicious that death awaited me, for [Trial by Fire] activated, granting me a moment of perfect clarity and invigorated poise. I activated [Crucial Crucible] to coat my blade in molten flame, the Fire magic so dense as to become visible and nigh unstoppable for but a few heartbeats. With [Lily Nilly] did I narrowly evade that most hazardous pit of fangs, and with [Eruption of Blades] did I strike his body on the way down. A crescendo of blows from furious metal upon scale sounded my arrival as my blade found its mark, my beloved’s poison having already rendered the baron weak and sluggish.
Upon landing, I sheathed my blade and walked towards my beloved, for she yet battled Baron Eradnevir. Behind me, Baron Noddeg remained motionless, his body seemingly frozen in time. I coveted no need to see the fruits of my labors, for the sound alone confirmed the precision of my blade. His body, unable to bear the countless strikes that I had inflicted upon him, toppled apart, for I had severed him into 108 pieces. Gorey heap of flesh squelched in my wake as a loose pile formed from the fractured pieces of his body, each one cauterized by the heat of my blade. And so ended the life of Baron Noddeg.
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This Baron Eradnevir can eat a bag of dicks. I don’t have any on me, but if I did, I would ram it down his throat and rip it out of his stomach. I would boil the eyes from his skull and beat him to death with his own severed limbs if I could. How dare he resist my poison so! Whatever, I’ll just keep screaming at him and throwing more poison at him until he passes out. Then I’ll rip his scales off one at a time and use them to decorate my pond.
Dumb fucknuts can’t even catch me, and every breath he takes just brings him that much closer to death. He can see a little ways into the fog though, so I’ll give him that much, but not nearly as far as I can. I just need to outrange him and distract him with my bells. At least a certain idiot knows what my bells mean and can follow my instructions. This dingbat keeps launching gross blobs of blood at where my bells ring, thinking I am still standing there. As if I would let him get his blood on my nice clothes. What a dumbass.
Speaking of fools, it looks like that idiot finished off Baron What's-his-bucket. Now he’s strutting over to me looking all proud with that stupid glint in his eye. He probably thinks he looks cool with that swagger to his stride as the baron’s big dumb body falls to pieces behind him. He probably waxed poetically the whole time like the idiot he is, going on and on about his love for me. As if I would like those big strong arms, that dexterous tongue, those fancy webbed feet, and those captivating flames upon his body that highlight the mesmerizing color of his eyes.
Get it together, Ribbette. You almost got hit there by the overgrown lizard. So what if Hopper makes your heart skip a beat whenever you look at him, he’s just a big idiot who likes to swing his sword around while looking dashing. Just tell him right where he can shove that sword and be done with it.
Fuckwits McGee is getting slower and weaker, so my poison is working. I am the only one with a brain around here who knows how to tire a foe out. However, he will probably make a desperate play soon, so I should be careful. [Frog-nosis] estimates that he has another minute until he passes out or dies like a bitch, so just a little more of leading him by the nose and I will be able to stand over his corpse. I just gotta-
Fucking tits! I just stepped in some of his blood he spit at me, gross. I’m sure it will wash off, just gotta evade and… Dicks and double dicks, I’m stuck fast here. This shit is like glue and I can’t get out. Oh fuck, oh fuck, he’s charging me, what do I do? I’m too pretty to die! I guess this is the end. I should just close my eyes and hope he chokes on me. There is no time to inform Master in time of how I fucked up, so there is no way I can be unsummoned. Plus it takes too long for [Froggiest Idea] to translate things into the Master’s language and vice-versa. I had a good run at least.
Something solid and muscular crashed into me, but no teeth chomped down on me, so maybe that isn’t so bad. Better open my eyes. Ugh, it's that big strong idiot with a silly smile on his face. He scooped me up in his arms and hopped up and away from that dragon. Speaking of, the bastard has followed us, up and out of the fog as Hopper carries me aloft. However, my poison finally did its job, for the fuckwit passed out mid flight.
Time for [1000 Needle Pricks] to do its work. Every last needle I have still stashed away in my sleeves and scarf should do the trick. Each one is coated with a caustic substance that will melt him like acid. I go ahead and do that because I’m not an idiot.
The dumb and now dead dragon went and crashed into the hill behind us. It almost hit Master’s friends, but it did hit some chonky dead dragon over there. All in a day’s work because I am awesome.
We’re back on the ground. He’s still holding me in his arms. He’s got this big dumb look on his face like he just caught two flies in one flick of the tongue. But there’s something about it that I can’t escape. Okay, maybe he is a little handsome. Idiot! He’s an idiot for making you feel this way.
Okay, well, he set me down, so that’s something. And he keeled over. Shit fuck, he’s bleeding everywhere from his back! Two large cuts from the dragon’s claws did a number on him. Idiot didn’t even tell me. But if he hadn’t gotten in the way of the dragon’s claws for me, then I would…
I would have figured something out. Idiot. I’m an idiot. I would have croaked my last croak. And this idiot saved me. I guess that makes us a pair of idiots. I suppose I should use a healing potion that Master gave me to fix him up.
Yeah, so, whatever. The potion worked, idiot Hopper is fine. The bitch-ass barons are dead, everyone’s happy. So why do I feel so frustrated and why is my heart thumping all wonky?