Adrift in the void, Alterez wished for the comfort of solitude. He could see them there, drifting in the distance, just their massive heads made of strange lines of light to portray their features, but they gathered like jackals to heckle him, each avaricious in their pursuit of his body.
“Looks like you bit off more than you could chew. It’s high time one of us had a turn, specifically, me.”
“Wait your turn, ingrate. I have seniority. I will take over when this fool perishes.”
“Not so fast, old-timer. We go off of score and votes, just like always.”
On and on they went, insulting him as often as they bickered amongst each other for the prize not yet available for the taking. Life still clung to him, and for all he was worth, Alterez clung back in return. He wished the voices would stop; their constant chatter gave him a headache.
But then, that neutral but polite female voice spoke to him. Oh, how long it had been since he last heard her speak to him. How he ached to get to know her, to discover what she liked and what made her smile. Unfortunately, she never actually conversed with him, for she only informed him of things, but a goblin could still dream. What a life he would spend with her, showing her all the cool things he had found and cooking his finest dishes for her, if only she would return his affection. Alas, such was not meant to be, so Alterez relaxed and listened to her voice, trying his best to tune out the others.
“Danger! User death imminent. Blood corruption detected. Organ failure detected. Major lacerations detected. Major punctures detected. Heartbeat ceased. Advise user seeks medical attention immediately.”
Always curt, that one, but at least she cared.
“Warning, unknown substance detected. Performing analysis. Stand by for analysis results.”
Time passed, not that it had meaning, for there was nothing else to do but wait. A captive audience, Alterez and the other voices waited and listened.
“Analysis complete. Unknown substance possesses healing properties exceeding user recommended maximum. Allow substance to activate?”
A flat screen of blue light with white words appeared before him, and upon it were the options of “YES” and “NO”. Alterez selected the first option.
“Option “YES” confirmed. Beginning authorization of unknown substance. Stand by for results.”
At least the peanut gallery only talked in hushed whispers now. Alterez thought back to other times that other goblins had died, and the female voice had spoken in a similar fashion about events. Impassionate, yet helpful, she did what she could to keep him informed.
“Success: Blood toxins removed. Blood corruption levels reduced to safe maximum levels.”
“Success: Organ functionality restored. Organs operating within acceptable safe parameters.”
“Success: Musculature integrity restored. Strength and flexibility operating at 93 percent efficiency.
“Success: Dermal tissue restored. Primary immune defense system operating at 96 percent efficiency.”
Success: Heartbeat restored. Cardiovascular system restarted. Pulse steady. Blood pressure optimal.”
“Performing final scan of host biomass systems. Stand by.”
Well, that sounded all well and good. Alterez began flipping off the other goblins waiting in the queue for his body.
“Warning: Excess restoration of host biomass systems detected. Latent Divine Essence detected. Tumor growth detected. Calculating possible solutions. Stand By.”
The other goblins returned the gesture to Alterez, each laughing at how close he came to making it out alive.
“Best action course calculated. Recommend user utilize Latent Divine Essence to acquire a Dual-Blessing. Chance of suppressing tumor growth calculated at 78 percent. Would you like to deploy this action course?”
Alterez understood most of the technical jargon. Getting a second Blessing sounded like a steal. When the options popped up, he slammed his fist down on the “YES” option.
“Action plan acceptance confirmed. Beginning Dual-Blessing selection. Stand by for Administrator approval.”
That didn’t sound good. Who was the Administrator and what would need to be done to get approval. The other goblins started to look nervous. Did they know something that they were not letting on? With only one way to find out, Alterez planned to ride this the whole way through and see how it played out.
“Approval accepted by Administrator Gubberloodoo. Proceeding with Dual-Blessing selection.”
“Error: Dual-Blessing incompatible with secondary hosts. Recommend purging of secondary hosts. Would you like to do so now?”
Wails of despair and threats poured in from the giant goblin heads as Alterez wept tears of joy. If what she offered was what he thought, he would finally be free of them. Some begged, some threatened, but all dreaded the next choice Alterez would make. Naturally, he confirmed his desire to purge. Just purge, and purge, and keep on purging until every last one of the bastards was gone.
“Purge protocol accepted. Beginning purge protocol. Stand by.”
The wailing increased in intensity, followed by a change in the emotional tone. Despair gave way to fear and then agony as the remaining goblins screamed in pain. Each one in turn burned away, their giant heads of lights extinguished. Good riddance to them.
“Success: Purge protocol complete. Attempting to apply secondary Blessing with best calculated odds of remedying host tumor growth. Attempting application of [Hemogoblin]. Stand by.”
“Error: [Hemogoblin] Blessing incompatible with current host. Reason: Insufficient score. Attempting to apply secondary Blessing with second best calculated odds of remedying host tumor growth. Attempting application of [Used Wagon Salesman]. Stand by.”
Oh fuck, not that one. That sounded useless. Alterez demanded he be given a list of Blessings to choose from, but the voice refused to acknowledge his demands.
“Error: [Used Wagon Salesman] Blessing incompatible with current host. Reason: Restricted by Administrator Gubberloodoo. Attempting to apply secondary Blessing with third best calculated odds of remedying host tumor growth. Attempting application of [High Priest - Draconic Cult]. Stand by.”
Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.
Well that sounded more like it. Alterez would have to pray more diligently to Gubberloodoo for saving him from [Used Wagon Salesman]. However, he had never heard of anyone having such a boring sounding and oddly specific Blessing before. Was it secretly some incredibly powerful one, perhaps on par with the likes of [Hero] or [Demon King]? That would be exactly the kind of thing that Gubberloodoo would do. Alterez reconsidered praying more diligently to Gubberloodoo.
“Success: [High Priest - Draconic Cult] Blessing applied to second Blessing slot. Select patron dragon from the following list for your dragon cult.”
Alterez patiently waited for another blue screen. It appeared belatedly, but the letters upon it were corrupted, appearing sporadically all over the place with extra junk smudged here and there. Tapping the screen did nothing, so he just waited, hoping that someone would fix it for him eventually.
“Error: Unable to populate list of potential patron dragons. Reason: Restricted by Administrator Gubberloodoo. See incoming message from Administrator Gubberloodoo.”
Curious as to the recent development, Alterez eagerly awaited the incoming message. Very few goblins had ever succeeded in having Gubberloodoo talk to them directly, and the credibility of such claimants was beyond questionable, so this was the most interesting development so far.
“I have forced the selection for you. You already know which dragon you need to follow. You are now bound to him. Aid his ascension to demigod status. Keep this a secret from him for as long as possible. If asked about your secondary Blessing, say you have the [Cult Leader] Blessing. I advise you to start several other lesser cults to various real or potential gods to hide your true mission from your patron. All the gods shall punish you should you fail in this task.”
That was not what Alterez had hoped for, not by a longshot. Gubberloodoo had given him a near-impossible mission, one apparently ALL the gods were in favor of. The deepest, darkest hell awaited him if he failed. Better he had died earlier than having been ‘saved’ by this second Blessing. Alterez took back every bad thing he had to say about [Used Wagon Salesman]. To top it all off, he was expected to lie to his new best and perhaps only friend. Lying came easy, but lying to this particular friend felt… wrong.
Did such moral qualms come from his new Blessing, or was this just natural growth of personal character? Did the purge of the other goblins allow him to truly focus on what actually mattered in life rather than living day by day for only himself? Was there a deeper meaning to any of this, to all of existence, and the life we each get to live before we face judgment before the gods?
Damn, this new Blessing was already making Alterez question things way above his pay grade as a [Line Cook]. He had rarely considered such moral and theological conundrums before, and now they were springing unbidden into his mind, as well as ways to answer those questions to disenfranchised individuals who needed a good cult to call home.
Shouldn’t that voice be doing stuff by now, like telling him about the tumors?
“Success: Patron dragon selected by Administrator Gubberloodoo. Beginning merge of Voice Integrated Response Interpreter version 4 with [High Priest - Draconic Cult] secondary Blessing. Stand By.”
“Success: Merge complete. Upgrading voice personality package. Stand by.”
“Success: Voice personality package deployed. Switching to new voice personality package.”
“It looks like you are trying to start a cult. Would you like help with that (Yes/No)?”
The female voice, VIRI, he supposed, sounded way friendlier and chipper. She also almost talked like a normal person, so Alterez considered that an improvement. He selected “No”.
“Okay, it seems like you do not want help in starting a cult at this time. Feel free to ask me in the future for help with starting a cult.”
“Hey, can I get an even better voice upgrade for you?”
“It looks like you are trying to install a better voice personality package. Unfortunately, none are available at this time. More should be unlocked as you acquire the right Skills in your new Blessing. Was this information helpful (Yes/No)?”
Alterez didn’t really care which option he selected, so he just said “Yes” and ignored the response. Someday he would be able to have a real conversation with VIRI; he just had to wait until he had the Skills. To do that, he would need to start some cults without The Bossman catching on. Difficult, but not impossible. Perhaps he could start with all the druggies around town and use them for a trial run. They were all expendable anyway. It isn’t like anyone would notice them missing or care. And besides, it would all be for a higher purpose, so they should be glad for the opportunity to have some meaning to their lives.
“Damn, this new cult leader mindset already has me justifying anything I do,” Alterez spoke to the void, with no one responding. “Alright Gubberloodoo, I’m ready. Send me back and let’s get this show on the road.”
Nothing happened for a few seconds, and then a bright white light appeared in the distance. It either grew larger in size, or Alterez was sucked into it. Without any reference points for perspective, he could not tell the difference. Perhaps the distinction was moot, but the fine details often made a world of a difference.
Unable to do anything to accelerate or retreat from the light, he relaxed and let it wash over him. His new lease on life was about to begin, and this time, no other stupid goblin voices would be in his head to constantly nag him. Perhaps not all hope was lost after all.
----------------------------------------
“Welcome back, buddy. How do you feel?”
Alterez blinked his eyes open as he took in the scene. His head lay nestled in Chooka’s lap as the rest of his almost-naked body lay prone on the stone floor. Skull and that new Princess lady dragon were sitting over him on one side of him. A closer glance at Skull revealed a suspicious amount of green blood on her knife that she held in her hand. The Bossman kneeled down at his feet so that Alterez would be facing him when he woke.
“Terrible, amazing, thirsty,” he answered, not entirely certain which was true. A waterskin was placed to his lips by Chooka, and he greedily suckled down on the lifegiving contents within. Upon having his fill, he continued to answer the question. “I feel sore, but like, in the good way I hear about for people after working out for a while. My body feels different, stronger, and I feel this… connection to you.”
“I feel it too, Alterez,” The Bossman replied with a smile. “It isn’t as strong as the connection Skull and I share, but I can still see and influence your second Blessing. Congratulations on that, [Cult Leader].”
Alterez had tensed up at the mention of the connection, but visibly relaxed when The Bossman provided the wrong name for his second Blessing. Still, that did not mean that The Bossman didn’t know the truth and was being polite or discrete. A new fear crept into his mind, one where he was already discovered and living a lie, The Bossman testing him to see what he would do.
“Are you doing okay? You look worried.” The Bossman asked with concern etched on his features. “Do you want anything?”
“Just to stay here in Chooka’s lap for all eternity. I’m… scared.” He paused for a bit to collect himself as the others all tried their best to comfort him. Chooka gently stroked the side of his face as Alterez collected his thoughts. “I almost died, I thought it would be my final death, but I was given one last chance.” A small laugh escaped Alterez’s mouth at the absurdity of it all. “Me, with a [Cult Leader] Blessing, the guy that no one cares about or listens to. How am I supposed to start a cult if no one will give me the time of day?”
“Well,” The Bossman started as he took a moment to choose his phrasing, “That is what your new Skills are for, to make you into the kind of guy people will want to follow. Lure them in with your cooking and you will eventually have them eating out of the palm of your hand. Not to mention you will probably have a little harem of zealots who will do anything you want, you dog, you.” The Bossman gave Alterez a playful shove, and the whole idea of it made Alterez smile. “Also, for what it is worth, Chooka cried, like, right away when we realized you were dying.”
Alterez turned his gaze up to Chooka as she looked indignant at that claim. “Oh course I cried. I would have had to start the hiring process for a new cook, which would lead to interviews and background checks. But”, she paused as a wicked smile crossed her face as she looked down at Alterez, “I would get to fill out some new forms that I have never filled out before. Having you die on this excursion would have created a mountain of paperwork.”
Alterez trembled in fear in her grasp, not knowing if his life weighed more than a coveted stack of esoteric paperwork that rarely got used. Her devilish grin relaxed, a cheeky expression replacing it, much to Alterez’s relief.
“I would miss you, though, if you died,” Chooka said directly, yet with a kind emotion in her voice. “We have been working together for years, and despite all your shenanigans, I do like you. So, don’t go dying on us, because while I can replace the cook, I can’t ever replace you.”
Despite their awkward positions relative to one another and the size disparity, Chooka still managed to wrap Alterez in some semblance of a hug, much to his delight. Perhaps things were looking up after all. His life had been turned around ever since he started associating with The Bossman, but to be fair, his life had been stagnant for some time now. Who knew what the future held, but at least he had the company of friends to face it with him. Tears of joy streamed down his face as his exceptionally handsome goblin smile broke across his face.
“I love you guys. I hope every day is an adventure like this. Preferably without blood poisoning though.” That got a few laughs from them, so maybe he did have a bit of charm and charisma from this new [Cult Leader] gig. “I’m very sleepy now, though, so feel free to pamper me while I pass out.”
As darkness enveloped him once again, Alterez indulged in sweet dreams, his mind free and clear of any drugs or haunting specters for the first time in forever. In that moment, he found true peace and bliss, and though he wished the dream could last forever, he felt oddly ready to tackle the challenges to come.