I swear loudly as the fifth ‘needle’ snaps under my fingers. I was so close to finishing it! I moan to myself. Although I’d intended this to be a task to allow my mental energy to replenish itself, all it’s done is build up frustration. I don’t even dare try to continue to extend my Energy channels: I have a feeling that, in this mood, I’d be more likely to destroy than fix them and I have no desire to back-step.
Still, I have a sense that I’m almost there. Each time I snap the needle, I do so with it closer to completion. If only I could just get a point in Dexterity, I reckon that my chances of success would jump. As it is, I’m still waiting for the nagging sensation of a message waiting to appear.
When my sixth attempt fails just as I’m sharpening its end, I actually stand up and throw it down at the ground, shouting expletives. Throwing myself at the ground, I glare at the many bone shards littering the area with resentment. Maybe I should just give up? Do more later? It’s at that moment that I feel my Bound approaching. In fact, they’re almost here – my focus on crafting the needle must have been intense enough to block out the sensation of them moving closer.
Getting to my feet as Sirocco soars towards me, I stare for a moment as River comes into view. He’s laden, several corpses balanced over his shoulders, one almost as big as he is. I felt a sudden pang of pure jealousy: working my frustrations out with a mace really sounds like something I’d enjoy right now.
“Good hunt?” I ask as they get closer, doing my best to keep my voice even and not betray the negative emotions running around in me. Maybe a break is a good idea. Heck, with them having come back, I can go out to collect the branches I need for the rack. Hopefully that will rid me of enough of this nervous energy to then be able to set to fixing my internal matrix again without risking doing more damage to it.
Yes, we found several useful beasts, River replies, a sense of nervousness coming through Bond from him. Why?
“Good. But why the hell did you leave this morning without at least telling me?” I ask, unable to prevent the acidic question from leaving my lips. It’s not like I’d have said ‘no’. But I’d have liked to not come up from my meditation to find them all gone. River freezes and lifts his chin.
I apologise Mas-Markus. I thought...you looked like you were concentrating deeply. I did not wish to disturb you. I will accept any punishment you consider necessary due to my actions. His contrite tone and immediate apology takes all the wind out of my sails. His almost-slip pours water on whatever fire was left burning: he’s right. I’m being childish and falling into bad habits of acting like his master.
If I’m being honest about not wanting to be one then I have to recognise that even though I’m the leader of the team, I have no right to dictate my team’s actions when they’re not ‘at work’. They have the right to go and do something else, especially when all I’m doing is sitting there working on my internal matrix.
“No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have jumped down your throat like that.” River still feels a bit worried, though confusion also joins the mix. “You can go wherever you want,” I feel obliged to continue. “But I’d appreciate knowing when you go somewhere. That way if I wanted to go too, I could join you, and I would know if you were likely to be in danger.” There. Maybe that’s clearer.
You wished to join us? He looks almost stricken, tumultuous emotions evident through the Bond. I apologise for failing my vow of service to you. How do you wish me to demonstrate my contrition?
“No, that’s not it!” I exclaim. Rubbing my forehead, I wish I’d just been able to hold my tongue; that way this whole situation wouldn’t have devolved. Then again...there’s been something building between River and I for several days now. Maybe it’s just as well to get it open. Maybe. Then again, what do I know about healthy emotions?
“Look,” I say again, sighing. “Put the carcasses away, then let’s go down to the river together. You need to wash up and I want to collect some firewood.”
Yes, Markus, he assents and then quickly moves away, his tail submissively low to the ground. I watch him go with narrowed eyes.
*****
River and I walk down to the river in silence and I wait by the bank as he walks straight in. My bow is to hand just in case something appears which needs shooting. The lizard-man quickly washes off the blood and other fluids before wading out towards me. My mind races quickly.
I’ll admit that I’m hopeless when it comes to dealing with personal, emotional issues. But if I look at this like a meeting with an employee who’s been flagged due to some concerning statistics, it’s another question. I’d probably feel more confident if we were sitting in an office with a desk between us, but we’re a bit short of offices and desks here. Besides, I learnt before that River appreciates activity: we dealt with a previous issue over a giant salamander corpse.
“Will you help me collect some wood, please?” I ask River. “I need dry firewood from the forest floor and I’m also going to collect some fresh wood for tanning racks.” River makes a funny sound with a questioning feel. I smile as I realise he must be asking about tanning. “It’s where I take animal hides and basically put them through a process to preserve them for use as armour or clothing.” I cast a gaze over his naked form, the woven belt his only clothing. “I suppose you guys don’t use clothes.”
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We do not hide our skin the way you do, no, he agrees and I’m glad he seems to be getting back to ‘normal’. We decorate it with our woven adornments, but our scales are armour enough. A Warrior might use a shield if they face a particularly fierce foe, but we have no need of coverings.
“Well, I do,” I say, heading off into the trees, keeping my eyes out for useful wood. There isn’t a huge amount of firewood: I’ve already been through this area several times and a few weeks isn’t enough time for the forest to accumulate much dry stuff, not with the lovely weather we've been having. Other kinds of wood, however… “Keep an eye out for attackers, would you?” I ask River, waiting for his nod before grunting in approval and starting to climb the tree. The lower branches here are too thick, but the ones a little above head-height…
Finding a couple of likely prospects, I wedge myself against the trunk and pull out my axe. The angle is a little awkward, but I make it work.
“So, why have you been weird recently?” I ask casually as I chop. I silently curse myself. How suave: ‘why have you been weird’. As if he’s supposed to know what that means? Then again, often the way people react to the question they think you’ve asked is more telling than their actual answer. The relative silence of the forest punctuated by my flint axe hitting wood is all that meets my ears for a moment.
I don’t understand, River replies. Paying close attention to the Bond as I am, despite my seeming nonchalance, I realise that he isn’t quite telling the truth here. He’s a little confused, that’s true. But he does have a sense of what I’m getting at.
“You know. Being overly nervous for no apparent reason. Treating Lathani really formally. Worried about my reaction too much – I mean, what was that whole asking for punishment thing earlier?” I’ve never had anyone come asking for discipline or sanctions, though I’ve encountered a number who really needed it. The silence drags out a little until I feel forced to continue.
I sigh. “It’s just...I thought that after everything we went through, we’d managed to relax a bit with each other. But since being back here. Well, not being back for you. Anyway, since being here, you seem to have become less comfortable than ever, if that’s possible, considering we started as enemies.”
Does it displease you, Mas-Markus? His question is careful and immediately irritates me.
“That, that is what I’m talking about.” I say, leaning forwards so I can see him. He’s looking up at me, and the Bond is roiling uncertainly. I modulate my tone a bit. “Like, I know I can be a bit overbearing at times, but I’m trying not to be. So why do you keep almost calling me ‘master’?” There’s silence for a few moments. As it lengthens, I realise I’m just staring at him and not working on chopping the branch, so get back to it.
That branch is cut mostly through and breaks the rest of the way, falling to crash to the forest floor below before River gives me a response. I reposition myself, aiming for another branch not far from the first which seems suitable too.
I don’t know what you want from me, River admits quietly, almost fearfully. As if I’m going to tear into him for his admission.
“Why should I want anything?” I ask, playing devil’s advocate a little. Sure I do want something from him, but by this point it’s only if he wants it too.
Why wouldn’t you? He sounds baffled.
“Maybe I just want you to grow and improve. Maybe I don’t want anything specifically.” Which is true. Mostly. River has fast become one of my most valuable companions. I’d definitely feel sad at losing him one way or another but...honestly, he’s helped me get Lathani back to her mum. That’s basically the only reason I Dominated him in the first place. If he wants out now...well. Better now than later. It might sound cold, but at least right now, I’d only be out a few Energy-Hearts. And a friend. “Would you like me to release your Bond?”
What? His reaction isn’t what I’d have thought. He’s not joyful, or even confused. He’s horrified.
Please, Master, Markus, please don’t. OK. What’s going on here? I feel like I need to be on ground level with him, so shove the half-cut branch until it snaps audibly and falls to the forest floor like the first. Then, using only a single hand on the bough I’m balancing on, I swing to thump down on the spongy forest terrain myself.
Looking at him squarely, I’m almost shocked when he makes to go down on his knees in front of me like he did with Kalanthia. Not only does it make me profoundly uncomfortable to see him like that, but the middle of the forest is hardly the place to make himself more vulnerable than necessary. I immediately put my hands out to stop him shifting downwards.
“Stop that,” I tell him a little helplessly. “It’s...you don’t need to.” He stops but looks at me, the feeling of a matching helplessness coming across the Bond.
What do you want from me? He asks again. Tell me and I will do my best to fulfil it or die trying. But please help my village. I shake my head, but it’s in incomprehension; fortunately, River’s not so conversant with human body-language yet that he misinterpreted it. That or the Bond translated it correctly to whatever his own body-language would be.
“I don’t understand. How has your village suddenly come into this? We were talking about you.” River’s mouth opens and closes, but he seems as unable to cross the vast gulf between our understandings that I hadn’t even realised was there. We stand there staring at each other like idiots. Just how idiotic we are is promptly proven.
A sense of urgency suddenly hits my mind, even as I feel something moving quickly towards me. I duck, only for the ball of mud to hit River instead. I quickly look at where it came from, and my eyes narrow. Perhaps it’s time for another rematch.