~o0o~ Chapter 5 ~o0o~

"Will you stop touching me!" Quaraun yelled at Unicorn.

"No. I refuses to."

Quaraun had just finished brushing his twelve foot long hair, an endeavour that took several hours, and was attempting to fold and pin it back up into the more manageable four foot length style he usually kept it in.

Unicorn, a little black furred trickster Faerie pony with a gleaming silver horn on his head, had decided it would be great fun to mess the Elf's hair back up. He had run up behind the Elf and twirled Quaraun's Rapunzel locks around his horn, but when he tried to run off afterwards, somehow got his horn stuck in Quaraun's impossibly long hair, which Quaraun was now trying to untangle.

“I canna move,” Unicorn whimpered mournfully, now regretting having messed with the Elf's hair.

“You shouldn't have stuck your horn in my hair.”

Unicorn shook his dreadlocked mane, trying to get his horn out of Quaraun's hair, but just made the tangled mess worse.

“Stop moving,” Quaraun snarled.

“Just grab some scissors and cut it.”

“I'm not cutting my hair! My father cut my hair. I'm never cutting my hair again.”

“Ya Daddy issues is becoming problem.”

“Shut up.”

“What ya gonna do in a few years when ya needs servants to carry ya hair?”

“It won't get that long.”

“No? It already long enough that ya always tripping on it. And ya canna sit down any more without making a fuss over where to puts ya hair otherwise ya can'na move iffy ya sits on it.”

Quaraun's pink pupiled blue eyes flashed with anger, as he continued, now silently to unwrap his hair from the pony's spiralled horn.

“Ya too easy for enemies to catch now. Ya wants to run away, all dey has to do is grab ya hair un then ya canna move.”

“I'm not cutting my hair.”

“Ya does nae have to cut it short. Just cut two or t'ree feet off of it.”

Unicorn wiggled again.

“Stop moving. You're making it worse.”

“Dis were bad idea.”

“Obviously.”

“Why did I do dis?”

“Because you're a nut.”

“I wants to run free. Galloping through the fields,” Unicorn moaned sadly.

“You could be if you hadn't been trying to annoy me.”

“It fun to annoys ya. Makes me horny unicorny.”

“Stop moving.”

“I can nots.”

"Stop it!"

"No."

"I'm gonna push you off a cliff," the pink Necromancer snarled.

"Oooooooooh!" the undead pony whinnied excitedly. "Go ahead. I ain't died by cliff death yet. Might be fun to die cliff death. Shatter me guts all over de rocks, let the birds feast on me entrails. Heck, let me know the next cliff ya sees un I'll save ya the trouble un go jump off it meself. Goody, goody, goody, goody. A new way to die!"

Quaraun glared at the Unicorn, who right now was purple and had a mouthful of Quaraun's long white hair gripped firmly in his teeth, chewing on it as though it were hay.

"BoomFuzzy! Stop chewing on my hair!"

"I is horse. Ya hair look like hay."

"My hair is not hay!"

Quaraun glared at the purple Unicorn.

It had been a few hours since their hair entanglement debacle and Quaraun and Unicorn had now continued onward for another couple of miles before Quaraun decided he was completely and thoroughly lost. He stopped to sit on a log and looked at his map.

The map was a blank scroll, which drew itself every time you looked at it. No matter where you were, it drew a map of the area. If you were in a new town, it drew all the streets for you.

With the Elf Eater's enchanted map, one could never get lost.

King Gwallmattic, Elf Eater of Pepper Valley, had been the world's most powerful wizard for most of the 2,000 years of his life. But he could not read or write and so his spell scrolls were drawn out in pictures and symbols, which he understood, but no other wizard could decypher. Like every other spell he had written, his map looked like it had been drawn by a 2 year old.

When a non-wizard looked at the map, all they saw was a row of purple stick figure puppies, scribbled out trees, a house, and a great big red X in the middle. Like a child's treasure map to nowhere, it looked like it was not a real map at all.

However, in the hands of a wizard, the crayon drawing came to 3-D life and began running across the page, rearranging themselves to match the area around the wizard holding it.

Quaraun looked at the map. Right now, purple cartoon stick puppies drawn in crayon were dancing around the edges yipping excitedly, wagging their tails, happy to see him looking at them. Blinking arrows were pointing in every direction, each one yelling at him:

“Pick me!” screaming one puppy. "I know where to go!"

“No! Not him. I'm knowing a better place! Pick me!”

“Look at me, I'm not purple. I'm pink. Pick me.”

It was an enchanted map. It had been created by an insane wizard. A purple unicorn, who didn't know how to read or write and draw everything in purple crayons. A purple unicorn that right now, was chewing on his hair and burping loudly. The pony suddenly pricked up his fuzzy ears, and then galloped madly into the field, to trample a nodding daisy.

Quaraun turned the map around several times, trying to figure out which way was up and which way was down. Where North was, and which road on the map, was the road he was standing on. It never told him any information he wanted to know. He didn't know why he kept expecting it to tell him anything useful.

The tiny purple unicorn was galloping though a nearby field chasing butterflies and eating them. When he got bored with that he skewered several butterflies on his horn and trotted back to sit beside the old Elf.

Quaraun looked over at Unicorn.

"Why are their butterflies on your horn?"

"Why not?"

Quaraun shook his head and went back to staring at the map.

"Ya put ribbons in yar hair. I put butterflies on me horn."

Unicorned turned back into his Human form and ran screaming into the forest on the other side of the road. Quaraun looked up and watched him. A few minutes later he came screaming back and sat down beside the wizard. Quaraun continued to stare at him.

"What?" Unicorn asked.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I is be restless."

"I can see that. Why are you running around screaming?"

"I had to get it out of me system."

"Do all Faeries act like you?"

"Aye."

Quaraun shook his head and went back to trying to translate the Elf eater's enchanted map.

Unicorn came up behind the Elf and read the map over his shoulder. Unicorn couldn't read or write. When he wanted to write spells on scrolls his did so with crayons and drawings of stick figures. Though extremely effective in the hands of any one who could read his childish scribbles, his spell scrolls were nearly impossible for other wizards to interpret and cast.

"Is we dair yet?" Unicorn asked.

"No."

"How come for."

"Because I don't know."

“Why not?”

“I don't know. How many times do I have to say it?”

"Where is we be off to?"

"I don't know."

"Why does ya no know?"

"Unicorn."

"What?"

"Stop."

"Why?"

"I can't concentrate."

"Why?"

"Because you won't shut up."

"Why?"

"How the hell should I know why you won't stop?"

"What fot I needing shut up?"

“Because I'm trying to think.”

“About what?”

“About where we are. And where we are supposed to be. And why we are not there. And why are there purple puppies running back and forth across the map so I can't see what the map says?”

This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

“Is we lost?”

“Yes.”

“Does ya even know where we is going to?”

“No, I don't know where we're going.”

“Will ya knows where we is going after we gets there?”

“No.”

“Does ya knows when we will be getting to this place ya does nae knows we going to?”

“No, I don't know when we'll get there. Because I don't know where we are going, this damn map won't tell me a damned thing."

"Then why are we going anywhere?"

"Because the pumpkins told me to."

"What pumpkins?"

"The ones we meet last night."

"We meet pumpkins last night?"

"Yes."

"Canst thou wit what the day shall bring. "

“What?

“Ya is talking to pumpkins?”

“Yes.”

“Me Necromancer, high on all that poppy milk we harvested earlier, is now talking to de pumpkins dat ain't no there.“

"I am not high on poppies."

"No?"

"No. Not right now."

"Meaning ya twere last night un ya will be again later."

"Unicorn. Please. Stop. You're being as annoying as a Golden Retriever."

There was a poof of purple smoke and suddenly a purple Golden Retriever was running circles around Quaraun, yipping excitedly.

Quaraun sighed and leaned forward resting his head on his arms, crossed on his lap.

“Why me?” he moaned. “The things poppies show me aren't half as strange as the things you do.”

Unicorn didn't answer. His was too busy getting dizzy, running in circled with his tail in his mouth.

"UNICORN! STOP IT!"

The Phooka turned back into his Human form and sa down beside the Elf. Quaraun went back to trying to translate what the map was telling him. Unicorn started poking the Elf's 12 inch long pointed ear.

“Stop it,” Quaraun said swatting the Faerie's hand away.

Unicorn poked him again.

“I said stop it.”

Unicorn poked him again. This time Quaraun swung around and punched him. The Faerie fell off the log, turned back into a purple puppy and began bouncing and barking excitedly.

“STOOOOP!” Quaraun screamed.

Seeing that he was risking pushing the wizard's temper too far, Unicorn turned back into his Humanoid form and sat quietly on the ground in front of the Necromancer. He was too fidgety to sit for more then a few seconds.

"I is bored."

"I can see that!"

"Need boredom to end."

"So turning into a dog and chasing your tail is gonna help?"

"Aye."

"Why don't you do something useful?"

"Like what?"

"Like teaching me how to translate this damn map."

"There is no t'ing to translate. Map take ya where evers ya need be."

"Right now all it's doing is pointing at you."

"Aye. It lead Elves to me sos I can eat dem."

"Is this thing taking us back t the Screaming Unicorn?"

Unicorn looked around.

"Look that way?"

"Do you know where we are?"

"Nope. But dis definitely coast road I been being on before. I think we is few days from me inn. Week from here. Maybes two."

"So it's taking you home?"

"Aye."

"Is that where it's supposed to take us?"

Unicorn shrugged.

"It take us where ever it is we does need being. If we need place to sleep, it show us place to set up camp or tavern for night or whatever is near by."

"I know that's what it is supposed to do. That's why I can't figure out why it lead us here. There's nothing here. You got an open field over there and dense forest over there, and a decimated town over there. None of them safe places to set up camp for the night."

"So why we stop here?"

"Because the map stopped here."

Quaraun held up the map.

"Look! There's nothing else on it. All it is showing me now is that city right there, that isn't there anymore."

Unicorn looked at the razed town ahead of them.

"It not been razed lang. Still smell smoke. Happen only week gone by."

"Which means there is a Human army within a week of here, meaning this is not a safe area, meaning this map is not working."

"Maybe map say we supposed to spend night in ruins?"

"Spend a night in ruins?"

"Aye."

"Let's keep walking," Quaraun said as he stood up, and went back to the road.

Unicorn followed him.

"Why for not stay in ruins?"

"Fresh ruins. With soot and ash..."

"Aye. Me forgetsing, me Elf can'na get dust on him perfectly pristine self."

“Why did you make this map?”

“Sos I never gets lost.”

“It never tells us anything useful.”

“Than why ya uses it?”

“I don't know, I...” Quaraun suddenly stopped walking.

Unicorn slammed into him.

"I wish ya would no stops like dat. Give me some warning before ya does dat."

"I heard something," Quaraun said nervously.

The Elf's eyes grew wide with fear, his long pointed ears pricked high and alert.

"Ya always hearing t'ings. Ya can hear a mile away wid those rabbit ears o'yars."

"No. I heard something."

"Dair ain't no t'ing out dair."

"There's always something out there."

"Aye. Frogs in trees. Birds in water. Fish in sky. Dair always be t'ings out dair. We does no have to panic over every one of dem, eh?"

"Yes we do."

"No we do'na."

"There's dangers around every corner."

"Aye. Un scared rabbity eared Elves waiting to runs from every one of dems."

Quaraun's long ears laid back fearfully.

"What was that?" He whispered.

"What were what?"

"Shut up."

Quaraun clamped his hand over Unicorn's mouth and perked up his long pointed ears to listen.

"I heard something."

Quaraun climbed up onto a log and continued to listen. His thin, pointed foot long ears twitched, nervously causing the chains connected back to his nose to shake and tinkle.

"Someone's hurt."

"Eh?"

"That way."

Quaraun pointed, then ran off in the direction he had pointed to. Unicorn turned into a tiny black Shetland pony with a silver horn and galloped along behind the Moon Elf. They soon came upon the city ruins.

The razed village was not as big as it had appeared from the hill. It was only a small village that had been built on top of ancient ruins. Trees had grown over the crumbled walls of buildings fallen over decades ago. There appeared to be no sign of life anywhere.

Quaraun stopped and listened again.

"I don't hear it any more," he said. "I was certain I heard someone, but now I hear nothing."

Unicorn transformed back into his Human form and sniffed the air. Faeries had keen sense of smell, especially when it came to sniffing out blood. He could smell fresh blood near by.

"Over dair," Unicorn said, pointing to a pile of rubble, freshly tumbled over. "It a Thullid."

"A Thullid?" Quaraun stopped. "Out here?"

Quaraun cautiously moved forward. Thullids were not to be trusted. They were dangerous. He saw something laying in the rubble. As he approached he could see that it was indeed a Thullid. The squid headed beast was old, it's purple tentacles faded to a dull, dusty mauve. It wore the robes of a DiJinn priest with a distinct pink and orange swirling pattern. The purple tentacle beast was trapped beneath a stone wall that had fallen on top of it. The elderly squid was too weak to lift the stones off himself.

"Can I eat it?" Unicorn asked.

"No."

Quaraun approached the wounded Thullid.

"Are you alright?"

"They abandoned me," the Thullid whimpered, not opening his eyes. He was a Demon in a world that was quick to slaughter Demons and he was at the mercy of whomever had just found him and so he hoped his death would be quick and painless.

"Who did?"

"My people. We were on our way to meet the Summoner and stopped here to rest among the ruins until it was safe to travel at nightfall again. But alas this wall fell on me just before we set out the travel again, and they just left me here to die. I am too old. Too weak. Too unimportant. Now I will never lay eyes on my Lady again. Kill me quickly that I may swim in the oceans of the eternities."

"Hmmmm, a very Thullid thing to do," Quaraun said as he began rummaging through his tiny, pink, beaded, heart shaped bag of holding, which was far bigger on the inside.

"Whatch ya looking for?" Unicorn asked.

"Chains."

"Chains?"

“Yes.”

“Why?”

"We're taking him with us," Quaraun said.

"We is?" Unicorn asked.

"You are?" The Thullid asked, opening his large squid eyes and looking up at the Elf for the first time.

"YOU!" The Thullid gasped.

"Hello, ZooLock," Quaraun said as he pulled iron shackles and chains from his bag.

The Thullid suddenly began to flail and thrash and try desperately to escape, but the wall remained firmly on top of him. Quaraun clamped the shackles on ZooLock's arms.

"Lift the wall off him," Quaraun said to Unicorn.

Unicorn did as he was asked, while Quaraun locked the remaining shackles on the Thullid's legs.

“Oh saints be praised! Glixtiill shines blessing upon me!”

"That's greeeaat. Just wonderful. Exactly what I didn't want to hear. Can you stand on your own?" Quaraun asked the old squid headed alien.

ZooLock attempted to stand and found he was only mildly bruised.

"Yes, I can walk," he said cheerfully. "I no longer need your help, my blessed saviour."

"I'm not here to help you, ZooLock."

"Oh. No! Of course not. One as great as you has many more important things to do then rescue a lowly priest as me."

ZooLock fell face first to the ground and began kissing the Elf's pink satin shoes.

“I brother.” Quaraun shook his head. "I'd forgotten how annoying ZooLock could be."

“By the glories of Xillithual, we are reunited at last!”

Quaraun turned and walked out of the ruins, not giving the Thullid time to stand up, and so instead dragged him on the ground. Unicorn watched as the Elf, normally a dainty, delicate creature who never hurt anyone, bruscky dragged the Thullid making sure to hit him on every rock he could.

"Me t'inks one does not like de Thullid," Unicorn said wehen he caught up to Quaraun.

"Really, how could you tell?"

"Ya knows him than?"

Quaraun stopped walking.

"ZooLock, this is King Gwallmaiic, the Elf Eater of Pepper Valley, otherwise known as BoomFuzzy the Unicorn. Unicorn, meet ZooLock. Last of the Di'Jinn priests, and my prison guard for some thousand or so years. He kept me imprisoned in a glass goldfish bowl."

"Ah! Dat would be de Jelly Fish talking, yes?"

"Yes."

Quaraun continued on. He walked back to the road, dragging ZooLock along behind him. The old Thullid didn't seem to mind and allowed himself to be dragged through the mud as he continued his outbursts of praises to various Demonic deities.

“So, I take it ya knows him?” Unicorn asked.

“Yes. Unfortunately. And he's a raving lunatic.”

“Why would him no be? Every one else ya knows is.”

"I never thanked you for the map, ZooLock."

"You are most welcome..."

Quaraun glared at the squid beast, who was laying face down on the ground, being dragged along behind the Elf with no complaint.

“ZooLock...”

“Yes?” The squid looked up at the Elf's angry eyes. "Oh... you were being sarcastic. My apologies my Lady. Has the a whip that I might lash myself for my indiscretions?"

"This is map guy?" Unicorn asked.

"Yes. Unicorn. This is ZooLock. The lunatic that sold me the map. This map!"

Quaraun waved the map in the air.

"This damned map! ZooLock, meet Unicorn. The lunatic who made the map."

"He is a Phooka," ZooLock replied.

"He is King Gwallmaiic."

"The Elf Eater of Pepper Valley?!"

"The same."

"Then you found him!"

"Obviously."

“Oh glorious days! Love blooms again. My lord has found his long lost love. I shall toss a dozen babies into the pits of Fire Mountain in celebration of this glorious day.”

“You'll do no such thing!” Quaraun yelled.

The Elf stomped angrily down the road, once again dragging the Thullid priest behind him, who continued to make no attempt at standing up and walking.

“I am so fed up with these psychopathic cultists worshipping me,” Quaraun grumbled as he walked. “It is so frustratingly annoying that everywhere I turn, there's another group of lunatics sacrificing innocents in my name. What do they think I am? I'm just an Elf. What is wrong with these people. Now they are sacrificing babies to volcanoes in my name? What next? What next!"

"You do approve of sacrificing babies to you?"

"You dare sacrifice a baby in my name, I won't just feed you to my Unicorn, I'll eat you myself!"

"Ah! Very good. I shall make note of this. No more sacrificing of babies in Her Ladyship's holy name."

"Why do you insist on worshiping me?"

"You are the Sacred Pink Jelly Fiish."

"I was before you stuffed me inside of this damned Elf!"

"Is the Moon Elf's body not to your liking? We can move you to another body more to your liking."

"No. I like this, Elf. But I would rather have been set free to live the ocean again instead."

"Sadly that is not possible, my Lady. As you well know the oceans of this planet are poison to you. I tried to put you in the ocean? Do you not remember? It burned your jelly flesh. You were so badly damaged. I no choice but to implant you immediately to save your life. The soft flesh of the Elf's brain healed you and kept you alive and now you have his body. You are no longer traped in a bowl. Now you can walk any where you please."

"Un walk him does," Unicorn said. "We walks all way from one side of planet to ot'er. Up coast. Down coast. Is dat why him walking so much? Make up for so many much years of no freedom to move?"

"I hate, having these damned cultists around," Quaraun said.

"Then why have you put me in chains?"ZooLock asked.

Quaraun stopped walking and turned to glare down at the old squid headed priest.

"You imprisoned me in this Elf. And get up you idiot. Stop making me drag you. You have feet, you can walk.”

“Yes my Lord.”

“Stop calling me that!”

“Yes my Ladyship.”

“Stop it!”

Unicorn giggled.

“Don't you dare start,” Quaraun snarled at Unicorn.

“I said nothing.”

“I shall build altars at every town we pass...” ZooLock started to say.

“Don't you dare!”

Quaraun turned from ZooLock, pricking his ears up once again, listening.

"Ya hears somet'ing again," Unicorn stated.

Quaraun scanned the area but saw nothing.

"I feel like someone's following us."

"Does ya?"

"I heard that sound before, back on the road."

"What sound?"

"Wings flapping."

"Dat would be de birds, Quaraun. We out in wild nature. Dair be birdypoos every which way."

"It's not a bird."

"How ya know that?"

"I know the sound of birds and this doesn't sound like a bird."

"What it sound like?"

"I don't know. Not a bird. It's been following us for a few days now. It keeps it's distance. But it got close this time."

"Yis certain we is being followed?"

Unicorn looked around. Not that he could see any thing. He was almost blind and could barely see a foot in front of his nose.

"Yes."

"By a t'ing wid wings?"

"Yes."

"Ya sure it wings?"

"Demon wings."

"Demon wings?"

"Leathery fleshy wings without any feathers."

"Like a dragon?"

"Too small to be a dragon."

"A baby dragon?"

"Too stealthy to be an infant."

"So a Demon."

"With soft padded paws."

"Padded paws?"

"Like a rabbit."

"We is being followed by a Demon winged rabbit?"

"You know he's insane, right?" ZooLock asked Unicorn.

"Aye. un iffy yar is one what put Jelly in him head then yis one what did it to him."

"It doesn't hop like a rabbit," Quaraun continued.

"Does nae hop like a... Eh?"

"No. And it's definitely not a pumpkin."

"Eh? What? Pumpkin?"

"The pumpkins have been following us for a few days now."

"Have t'ey?"

"Yes."

"Quaraun? I trust ya rabbit ears to pick up every sound in the area, I just does nae trust ya conspiracy filled Jelly brain ta translate those sounds correctly."

A pair of blue eyes watched from the ruins as Quaraun shrugged and continued walking, his newly captured squid in tow and the little black unicorn prancing along behind. Purple wings fluttered, lifting white paws off the ground and to the trees.