Quaraun stopped and stared at the river. Many small brooks veered off of it and they had come to a section that was shallow and wide and had a nice quiet, clean brook branching off it and he decided it was time to bathe again.

“Why are we stopping?” Unicorn asked.

“I'm dirty. This water is clean. Very clean. It has beach sand in it. We are getting closer to the ocean.”

“Ya've already bathed today.”

“I know.”

Once again Unicorn watched as the Elf did his daily ritual of very sexually bathing himself in front of the Phooka. After which the two rolled around on the moss bank shooting their seed on each other,

When their ravenous lovemaking was finished, they once again continued their journey. Quaraun and Unicorn walked alongside the small brook.

"Where do ya suppose ZooLock got to?" Unicorn asked.

"I don't know," Quaraun said. "I'm starting to not care."

"Ya gonna go after him?"

"No. I'm sick going after him."

Just then, a person wearing a long black hooded cloak and riding on a swimming otter cat, pulled up beside them. The person's entire body was obscured by the cloak, so there was no way to identify their species, race, or gender.

"Hello!" The cloaked stranger said cheerilly. The voice gave no indication of who or what they were either.

"Erh, hello," Quaraun said in return. He looked around wondering where they had come from.

"I'm the River Man."

"Uhm... Okay, Riverman."

"Or perhaps I'm the River Woman."

"Alright, then Riverwoman."

"How dare you try to assign my gender!" The cloaked person suddenly yelled at him.

"I wasn't..." The startled transgender Elf began to say.

"I'm here to take you across the river. "

"There's no river," Quaraun said looking around.

"This," the River Man-Woman said waving their arms around magnanimously. "Is the River Tem!"

"It's a not a riv..."

"I can take you to visit Tem, if you like."

"Tem?"

"Tem."

"Who is Tem?"

"Tem is the greatest."

"Oh!" Quaraun paused and thought on this fora moment. "I wasn't going..."

"Tem is my bestie."

"That's nice. But I..."

"Me and Tem are best friends and we both live on the River Tem."

"You're completely not listening to..."

"Tem is friends with Tem, you know. You'll love Tem."

"Who's Tem?"

"Which Tem are you asking about?"

"Is there more than one?"

"All Tems are Tems. Which of the ten tems did you want?"

"I don't know. Which Tem are you talking about?"

"Doesn't matter. Every Tem is identical you know. Except for Bob."

"Bob?"

"His parents were rebels. Filled with determination, they was. Bob is the only Tem in all of Temville, who's name isn't Tem. But that's alright. Bob's name being Bob fills Bob with even more determination."

"It's the BuckleBerry Ferry!" Unicorn said pointing to the otter cat.

"I feel like I'm in a bad nightmare," Quaraun groaned.

"Glorious isn't it?"

Quaraun turned to Unicorn.

"What did you put in my eggnog?"

"Only de usual," Unicorn replied. "But I does nae t'inks dis here be the nog jogging ya nogging."

"Are you seeing this too?"

"Aye."

"What's happening?"

"Does nea know." Unicorn turned to the Riverboat Man-Woman. "Whatcha want?"

"I'm here to take you down river."

"Why?"

"You need to go to The Prancing Pony."

"I do?"

"Hop on my boat and we'll be off!"

"What boat?" Quaraun asked.

"I t'ink he-she means the otter cat."

Quaraun stared down at the strange looking brown animal the River Man-Woman was sitting on.

"I'm not getting on that thing."

A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

The otter cat looked insulted and hurt.

"Ya stupid cunt. Ya hurt it feeling," Unicorn said. "Let us get on de boat and take a ride, ya could use a rest."

"That is not a boat!"

"It probably safer then a boat, come on."

Unicorn stepped off the mossy banking onto the back of the otter cat, then reached back to take the Elf's hand and guide him on board.

"I'm not...argh!" Quaraun fell backwards as the otter cat zipped off full speed, running over the top of the water.

"Squall-la-la, we're off! " Cried the Riverboat Man-Woman.

"What the hell is this thing!" Quaraun gasped as he sat back up, and clung to Unicorn, terrified of falling off into the water.

"Have you ever seen a Vulkin?" The Riverboat Man-Woman asked, completely ignoring the Elf's question.

"No," the frightened Elf answered, his eyes growing wide as he watched the forest zooming by at lightning speeds.

"He mistakenly believes his lava heals people."

"His lava?"

"He's a magma man."

"Okay. I guess." Quaraun wasn't paying attention any more. He just wanted to get off this thing before he got sea sick. "I feel sick. I want to get off."

"Tsunderplane, likes to get in the way," the Riverboat Man-Woman continued. "Not on purpose or anything."

"Tsunderplane?"

"My boat!"

"What..."

"Tell my boat she has a nice rudder,"

"There isn't a bo..."

"That ain't no rudder," Unicorn said, pointing to the otter cat's bum.

"No."

"Hey baby!" Unicorn screamed out. "Nice ass! Ya could probably kick like a horse with that ass!"

The otter cat purred happily and started running faster over the surface of the water.

"Unicorn..." Quaraun started to say, but the River Man-Woman interrupted him.

"She liked that! Listen to her engines roar! Tell her she's got great turbines now!"

Unicorn learned over and looked the otter cat in the face.

"Nice tits ya gots there, Baby!" He yelled cheerfully. "Ohhh hoo! That cheered her up! Ooooh! Yaaaaehhh... that's it! I got this! I did it! Faster, Thunder Baby! Faster! Arrgh! arrgh! Arrgh! Oh god! Fuck me! Damn! Faster! Faster! Oh fucking suck a cock! Look at her go!"

Unicorn was loving the ride.

"What is wrong with you?" Quaraun asked the over hyper Faerie.

"I is a horse. How often do we horses ever get rides? Everyone rides on us, but we never gets to ride on anyone else, now does we?"

Quaraun closed his eyes and sighed and pretended none of this was happening.

A sign appeared on the trees.

"Look at that sign," Unicorn said.

Quaraun opened his eyes and say a blinking neon sign writing in a language he didn't recognize.

"What does that mean, River Man-Woman?" Quaraun asked pointing to the sign as they passed it.

"Girth! Coming this spring," the River Man-Woman said. "New super store."

"I don't like that you used the words girth and coming in the same sentence," Quaraun said.

"We are freeeee! Ha ha ha!" The River Man-Woman cackled hysterically. "Kicking people is the best!"

"Kicking pepo..."

"Have you ever tried it?"

"No!" The Elf sounded mortified at the thought.

"Kicking people is fun!"

"Can you slow this cat down?" Quaraun asked.

"No! It's a bird! We're flying and we're all wearing loin cloths! Woo hoo!"

"You're wearing a loincloth under that robe?"

Unicorn was suddenly naked, except for a loin cloth.

"Why are YOU wearing a loincloth?" Quaraun asked.

"I don't know. It felt like the t'ing ta do."

"Christmas is coming, you know."

"I don't celebrate Christmas," Quaraun said.

"I should take you to visit Santa Claus," Unicorn chirped.

"I love Christmas," River Man-Woman said. "Everything just goes nuts and your brain melts right out of your head. Makes the best cheese."

"Him has no brains already," Unicorn said, referencing the fact that a Pink Jelly Fish was living in Quaraun's head and had eaten his brain several years ago.

"Hey, here's a Christmas gift," River Man-Woman said as they handed Quaraun a cheerily wrapped box, topped with a big sparkling bow. "I swear there's not a Human head inside this package. It's just a toy."

"Somehow I'm not believing you..."

"Weeee! Isn't this fun!" Was all the River Man-Woman said in response. "I did at first, but it's not so bad. This place is my new home now, so I'm happy to."

"Happy to what?"

"Beside the river stands the Holy Tree of Life. There doth my Father dwell, and my home is in Him. The Heavenly Father and I are one."

"What are you talking about?"

"A weed is simply a plant that has mastered every survival skill. Except for learning how to grow in rows. It does it's own thing. Doesn't follow the leader. What is wrong with that? What gives you the right to kill it just for being different?"

"I want to get off this boat."

"Anything short is just laziness and a form of looking away."

"Please stop this boat and let us off."

"If you're thinking 'that's so tolerant,' it really isn't..."

"There's that cat again," Quaraun said.

Quaraun pointed to the black cat watching them (again). No one else had noticed it, again.

"What cat?" The River Man-Woman asked. "Where?"

"It's the same black cat from before," Quaraun said with a worried tone. "I feel the cat is following us, yet it cat can't be the same one. It couldn't possibly have traveled from there to here. Could it?"

"Kats are tricky you know," River Man-Woman said. "Never know what they'll say next."

"Say? Cats don't talk."

"Not where you're from maybe."

"Where are you from?"

"What'd the Kat look like?"

"A black cat with yellow-green eyes, and wearing a collar richly encrusted with faceted peridots."

"That would be her majesty."

"Her majesty?"

"Empress EelKat. Queen of the Ptarmagin Kats."

"What's a Ptarmagin Kat?"

"Here from Planet Ptarmagin. It's an invasion. First Temville, soon the world!"

"You're insane."

"As are you!"

“Look at that,” Quaraun pointed to the cat, but when he did the cat leapt up and ran into the bushes.

“Look at what?” Unicorn looked to see where Quaraun was pointing. There was nothing there.

“A black cat, with a jewelled collar. I saw it again. Why are there cats watching my every move?”

"Ya is getting paranoid," Unicorn said.

"I'm not imagining it. I saw a cat. The same cat I keep seeing. Everywhere we go! It's following us."

"Why would a cat be following us?"

"I don't know."

"Cats does nae follow ya, Quaraun. Ya being loopy again."

"Look! There's another sign," Quaraun said.

"I would read it but I currently have my mouth full of cheese," Unicorn said.

"You can't read."

"Oh yeah! I forgot." Unicorn laughed. "Want some cheese?"

"Where's you get..."

"It were in the box," Unicorn explain. "It head cheese."

"Squall-la-la, we're here!" The River Man-Woman announced as the otter cat came to a halt.

Quaraun got off as fast as he could.

"We didn't go anywhere," the Elf said looking around.

"She's gonna be so happy now," River Man-Woman said

"I'm not," Quaraun muttered. "I'm scarred for life."

"Kicking people is the most fun," River Man-Woman said very matter of factly. "Well, it was nice meeting you all, but we must be off. Time to murder people."

"Time too...what?"

Before Quaraun could ask for further explanation the mysterious robed person and their otter cat were gone.

"Unicorn? What just happened?"

"Beats me. Good cheese though."

"Do you think about anything other then your stomach?"

"Does fucking ya arse count?"

"No!"

"Then, no. Want some?"

Unicorn handed Quaraun the now opened Christmas package. Quaraun looked inside. In the box was a Human head, the top sawed off the skull, the brain removed and replaced with a whipped cheese, brain, and pimento drip.

"Head cheese is made with real heads isn't it?" Quaraun asked.

"Yep. Usually they they use hogs head and hogs brain or moose head and moose brain. Have ya ever tasted moose head cheese?"

"No." Quaraun felt sick. He closed he box and handed it back to Unicorn.

"It delicious. But this Human Head Cheese even better. Must get the recipe."

"Where did ZooLock get to?" Quaraun asked looking around.

"T'ought we was no more caring what happen to Squidy-pants."

"I don't trust him."

"Ya does nae trust any one, Quaraun."

"I trust you."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Well, take me eyes out with a melon baller and burn them in hell for all eternity!"

"You don't believe me."

"Nope."

"Why?"

"Yis a scardy pants Elf, what got morbid thoughts in him head. Always t'inking everyone be out to gets him..."

"Everyone's out to get me."

"That true. And it beside the point. Ya has gotten so paranoid about the peoples who really are after ya, that ya go off t'inking peoples who ain't after ya is after ya as well."

"No I don't."

"Yes ya do."

"When do I do that?"

"Ya tied me to an altar and tried to vivisect me, because ya got it in ya head I was among the peoples ot to get ya. I has not forgotten that yet."

"I'm sorry."

"Ya almost killed me."

"You're a Lich, you can't d..."

"Ya're a Necromancer with power over Liches."

"I love you."

"I know ya do. I would nae stays with ya if I did nae think that. But ya has trust issues, Quaraun. And I can no trust ya, because ya does nae trust me."

"I trust you more then I trust anyone else."

"I know. I can see that. And I can see ya pull away at night. Ya still scared of me."

"I'm scared of everyone."

"I know. Ya've had a hard life. I does nea fault ya, ya fears. Ya've been given good reasons to fear, but ya does nae have to fear me. I is no going to hurt ya, Quaraun. Someday ya'll accept that."