Mallac stormed into the room, without first knocking on the door. Whatever it was he was intending to say, was lost in the garbled gurgle of his throat as he stared, stunned and dumbfounded at the sight before him.

Quaraun was laying face down on the floor, his arms and legs sprawled in various awkward positions. The Elf was passed out, not asleep. The Shetland pony that was laying on top of him.

"What the hell..." Mallac exclaimed, as he stared at the scene before him and tried to process it.

The Human's scream had woken both the Elf and the pony. Quaraun pushed himself up onto his elbows and looked around blinking, not quite sure where he was or what was going on.

"Oh dear," was the only thing Unicorn said, as he realized the Human had realized he was actually a horse. Gingerly he removed himself from the Elf. Knowing that Quaraun did not like anyone to see him naked and realizing that the Elf was still in a dazed drugged and drunken stupor, Unicorn took the Elf's discarded pink dress and tossed it over him.

"That's not right!" Mallac yelled at the Elf. "You can't be doing this. How'd you even get a horse in here?"

"What?" Quaraun rolled over onto his back and stared up at the Human that was staring down at him. He still wasn't fully awake. The sleepy Elf slowly sat up, rubbing his eyes and yawning.

"You can't being doing the nasty with a horse!" The soldier yelled.

"A horse?" Quaraun asked as he looked around the room, trying to remember where he was and how he had gotten here.

"Yes, that horse right there..." Mallac pointed to Unicorn who was now back in his Humanoid form and sitting on the floor grinning, trying not to burst out laughing. "Where'd it go? How'd you get in here? Where's the horse? There was a horse there a minute ago."

Mallac began going around the room moving furniture and looking up the bed, trying to find the missing pony.

He stopped in front of Unicorn and demanded: "When'd you get in here?"

"I been right here the whole time. I were fucking me Elf when yar came barging in and disturbed us."

"There was a horse here."

"Ya is seeing t'ings. It were only me and me Elf in the room."

"I saw a horse."

Quaraun yawned and stretched as he watched the Human argue with the Faerie. Quaraun slowly began to realize what had happened, and decided to go along with Unicorn's current version of the truth, as he pushed himself up off the floor and began to dress himself.

Quaraun pulled a full length mirror out of his tiny pink beaded heart shaped bag of holding and then pulled out a rack full of several pink beaded dresses, followed by a petal pink vanity table, a matching chair, and huge assortment of make up, and then set himself down to the very long process of putting his garish, pink and gold glittering makeup on.

"What are you doing!" Mallac demanded as he stormed up the Elf.

"I'm getting dressed," Quaraun answered, not looking away from the mirror. "What are you doing?"

"Where did you put that horse?"

"What horse?"

"A little black, Shetland pony. It was right there."

"You're seeing things, Mallac."

"That horse was on top of you having it's way with you."

"Ahhh!" Quaraun waved a gold armoured finger in the air. "That is where you are confused. No. Unicorn was fucking me when you so rudely interrupted us, and came barging in here without knocking. You in your wild imagination, saw Unicorn and thought you saw a horse, because of his name meaning Faerie Horse."

"That's not what happened."

"Of course it is."

"You had a horse in bed with you."

"Are you sure you didn't hit your head on door post on your way in here? You are a foot taller than me you know."

The soldier put his face nose to nose with Quaraun's.

"I saw a horse."

"Prove it." Quaraun kissed the Human's nose.

Quaraun turned back to his mirror and began painting neon pink gloss on his lips.

"Give me that bag!"

The hysterical Human grabbed the Elf's pink purse. Quaraun shrugged and let the soldier pull away his bag of holding.

"Where is it?" The man screamed. looking into the bag.

"What do you expect to find in there?" Quaraun asked, as he painted a strip of glue to the edge of his bright pink flamingo feather false eyelashes, then delicately put it in place on his eyelid.

"I know you hid that horse somewhere!"

Quaraun laughed.

"And you expect to find a horse in my makeup bag? Ha! Ha! You're crazy, Mallac."

Quaraun set about to putting his other huge, fluffy, pink feather eyelash on.

Mallac reached his hand in the bag and pulled out ten gold coins. He stared blankly at the coins.

"Keep them," Quaraun said, as he adjusted the ten gold armour rings that covered his long thin fingers, so he could brush his 12 foot long hair without them getting in the way.

Mallac shook the bag trying to get something to fall out of it. He had just seen Quaraun take the mirror, desk, chairs, and rack of dresses out of this impossibly small bag and was convinced there was a horse hiding in the bag. He knew wizards were sneaky like that. But there was absolutely nothing in the bag but the ten gold coins he'd pulled out of it. Mallac turned the bag inside out and back right side out again.

"How do you make this thing work?" The Human asked as he put his eye in the bag and tried to see anything inside of it.

"I don't know what you're talking about Mallac."

"Don't lie to me, Wizard! I see you pulling stuff out of this bag all the time. It's somehow bigger on the inside and you keep a king's ransom of treasure in this thing. Now make it work!"

"You've been hitting the bar too much, Mallac. Why don't ya go home rest it off for bit?"

"Don't play coy with me, Wizard! I saw you playing brood mare to a horse. I know you hid it in this bag. Make it work!"

If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

Quaraun shrugged, and took the bag from the Human, reached into it and pulled out a handful of pink ribbons and a silver tiara that glistened with rhinestones. He handed the bag back to Mallac, then set about to brushing two long pigtails high on top of his head, tying the bright neon pink ribbons folding his 12 foot hair into a more manageable walking length of four and half foot long glossy white hair, and then perched the little tiara on top of his head.

Mallac reached into the bag and pulled out ten more gold coins. He stared at the coins in his hand.

"You can keep them too," Quaraun said. "Now you're as rich as the king. Think of what you can do with twenty gold coins, Mallac. That's more then you'll make in your lifetime. You can buy your own country, crown yourself king, build your own army. No more working for others."

"Don't try to bribe me, Wizard. There was a horse in here. I know it."

Quaraun sighed. He was becoming increasingly annoyed by this Human. If it wasn't for the fact that his leg still needed more time to heal from the Hellhound bite, he would have left this village by now.

"Why are you even in my room, Mallac?"

"There's been another murder."

"Of course there has. What else ever happens in this town? There's a murder every day. But what does that have to do with barging into my room, uninvited, without even knocking, I might add."

Quaraun got up from his chair and put it and the vanity table back into his bag. Mallac immediately grabbed the bag and reached in to pull the table and chair back out, but came out with an additional ten gold coins instead.

"Look at that," Quaraun said cheerfully. "Now you got thirty gold coins. You can buy yourself a haram and fill it with pretty women. One assumes you like woman?"

Mallac glared at the little bitty transvestite Elf.

"Or do you like boys and all this hostility towards me and my personal sex life, which is in no way any of your business, actually just a cover for the fact that you really like boys but that's not allowed in this village so you take your frustrations out on me by seeing horses where there are none and digging into my private affairs?"

Mallac scowled and shoved the bag back at the pink Necromancer.

"If it wasn't for these murders, I'd have you trussed up and hung in the city center. Sexual deviants like you belong in stocks and bonds."

"Well, at least you wouldn't be the first to think of doing that to me. Seems to be the going trend these days. A guy likes dressing like a girl and having dicks stuffed up his ass, and therefore he has be tied up and humiliated by the deviate bastards who take sexual pleasure in sexually torturing his genitals as they are hung out on display for the men of the town to get their latent homoerotic desires out on him, seeing how the law won't let them get their hands around another man's dick otherwise."

"You're sick."

"Just stating the facts as I know them. I've been hung in quite a few town squares before. I know for a fact that half the men of the village, are going to spend an inordinate amount of time grabbing the balls of the naked victim, just so they can get pleasure from watching him cum on their hands. Why don't you save time and just grope me now. Then you can get it done in private without everyone in town watching you have an erection while you grope my balls in public?"

Quaraun flipped his skirts up, holding the pink ruffled hems to his chest.

"Here, why don't I put them on display for you?"

Mallac tossed the bag of holding back at the sluty, half naked Elf and stormed out of the room while screaming at the top of his lungs: "I don't want to look at a she-male's balls!"

Quaraun let his skirts drop back to the floor as he stood watching the Human leave. Unicorn was still sitting on the floor beside the bed, now laughing hysterically. Quaraun turned to face the Faerie.

"You were fucking me while you were a horse, weren't you?" The Elf demanded.

"Aye. But ya did say I could."

"I did, didn't I? Why did I do that? What did you give me?"

Quaraun didn't give Unicorn a chance to answer.

"Did he just call me a she-male?" Quaraun asked.

"Him did," Unicorn answered.

"How utterly offensive! I am deeply offended. He has deeply offended me. I don't like this village. The Humans are too uptight here. He called me a she-male! She-male? How dare he call me a she-male. I'm triggered on so many levels. I need a pickle. Here, finish packing my things up." Quaraun handed the bag of holding to Unicorn. "I'm going down to the kitchen to get a pickle."

~o0o~

A few minutes later Unicorn, now a Human, came down the stairs to find Quaraun screaming hysterically at one of the Humans who worked in the kitchen.

"What is problem?" Unicorn asked Quaraun.

"They are refusing to put pickles in my ice cream!" The Elf screamed while pointing a gold plated accusing finger at the Human holding a plate of pickles in one hand and a bowl of ice cream in the other.

Unicorn stared at the Elf for a few seconds, wondering if perhaps Quaraun had miss-spoke.

"Ya be WANTING pickles in ya ice cream?"

"YES!"

"Ah! Of course. Why did I no think of this. Insane Elf want insane t'ings. Here," Unicorn gave the bag of holding back to the enraged Elf. "Take, ya go sit ya pretty lil arse down. I fix this."

"They..."

"Nope!" Unicorn waved a hand in Quaraun's face. "I chef. I fix. Go sit. Ya under too much stress."

Quaraun grabbed his bag and stomped out of the kitchen, pink feathers and gold glitter wafting through the room behind him.

"I tried to tell her..." the kitchen staff began to say.

"Him," Unicorn corrected.

"Him? Who?"

"That male Elf. Him get mad iffy ya call him a she. Him already mad, because crazy Mallac just called him a she."

"But..."

"Ignore how him does look like. Pretend all men dress like that. It only way to reason with him."

"Oh... uhm..."

"Tell me what happened."

"She... er ... he asked for a plate of pickles..."

"Which I see ya has in ya hand."

"Yes, and I gave it to her... uhm... him... and but she.. he... wouldn't take it and started demanding ice cream instead, which we don't normally have, we only have it because she keeps..."

"Uh-uh." Unicorn shook his head.

"What?"

"He, not she."

"Oh, yeah, we only have ice cream because he was demanding it when he first got here and you went and made it for us..."

"Aye. So what problem now?"

"Well, I gave her, him, her, his pickles and his ice cream and next thing I know she's, he's yelling at me because they are in two separate plates and he said it was supposed to be pickle ice cream not pickles and ice cream, but that's not what he asked for, I swear..."

"Un I believes ya. I does lives with him. I know what him is like. Why did ya not just mix them together in one bowl?"

"He didn't give me a chance to! He just started screaming and then you walked in."

"Ah! Well. Give me plate."

Moments later Unicorn was sitting down beside Quaraun.

"Pickle ice cream, just what de queen bitch from blazing hell planet ordered," Unicorn said as he handed the bowl to Quaraun. "What is it with ya eating habits dis week?"

"I always eat like this," Quaraun said as he devoured his pickle ice cream like he was half starved.

"No ya do nae. I never seen ya eat like this. I hardly ever see ya eat at all. Yis look starved all bone, no flesh. Usually ya running around screaming ya can nae eat because ya gonna get fat. As if any fat would dare latch on to ya bones! Ya's zap it with ya wand before it got a good grip on ya."

"Are you suggesting I'm under weight?"

"Heaven forbid I suggest ya was fat! I'd get wand stuffed up me nose."

Quaraun glared at Unicorn.

"It probably good t'ing ya is eating ice cream."

"Why?"

"Ya could stand to gain a few pounds, before ya melt away into nothing. I ain't never seen an Elf as skinny as ya. Make it hard for me to fuck ya like I wants to. Too afraid ya gonna break if I slam into ya too hard."

"You can slam into me as hard as you want."

"Aye."

"Quaraun!" An excited voice chirped from behind them.

"Oh no!" Unicorn groaned as he recognized the voice of GhoulSpawn.

The half-Elf sat down between Quaraun and Unicorn, without waiting to be invited.

"There was another murder last night!" He said in a hush voice of excitement.

Quaraun couldn't tell if he was happily excited about the murder or scared excited. GhoulSpawn's outward emotions seemed off from what was normal.

"I'd heard," Quaraun said as he continued to eat his pickle ice cream.

"You have to stop him," GhoulSpawn said very seriously.

"What?" Quaraun looked up, not sure what the half-Elf meant. "Who?"

"He enjoys pulling strings from the shadows, setting up wars that lead to the destruction of thousands and thousands of souls in his revenge," GhoulSpawn said quietly.

"What are you talking about? Who does?"

"This isn't what I signed up for..." GhoulSpawn continued, completely ignoring Quaraun's question.

"GhoulSpawn. What are you talking about?"

"I didn't know he was killing people..."

"You know who the murderer is, don't you?"

"I just wanted to find a place where I fit in. I'm a half-Elf and they were a group of half-Elves."

"Who's killing people around here?"

"You're a full blooded High Elf. You don't know what it's like for us half-Elves. No one accepts us. We're always alone. I thought... I thought I'd a place I belonged. He'll kill me if he finds out I'm talking to you."

"Are you in danger?"

"I didn't know they were hurting people. I'm not one of them. I'm not like that. This isn't what I signed u for. I didn't know what they were doing. I've been trying to find a way to stop them."

"Who?"

"I don't want more people to die. I'm not a strong enough wizard to stop them on my own. But you are. I've seen you do stuff. You can stop them. I know you can."

"Who? GhoulSpawn stop who?"

"Please. Stop him. Before he kills again."

"Who is killing people?"

GhoulSpawn suddenly jumped with a start, as if he heard something that terrified him.

"I gotta go," he gasped in a frightened squeak.

GhoulSpawn quickly jumped up and skittered back out of the tavern.

"GhoulSpawn get back here! GHOULSPAWN!"

The half-Elf was gone. Apparently vanished into one of his portals.

"Well that was strange," Quaraun said as he watched the half-Elf disappear.

"Him strange Elf," Unicorn agreed.

"Wonder who he was talking about?"

"HellBorne?"

"That was my thought, but... You never know with him. He's so scattered brained."

"Ghouly is dat. Though I be thinking most Elves is."