~o0o~

One evening a strange man walked through a portal into King Gwallmaiic's room. This man wore a blue cloak that covered his body, which looked almost like armour. He had blonde hair tied into three buns on each side of his head. He wore a white feather stuck through each bun. His face was covered by a red mask, the edges of which curled up. His feet and hands were encased in black leather gloves with black metal buckles that were attached to his boots, hobbling his ability to lift his arms or make wide steps He held a staff in his right hand, which he leaned on the table.

"Have you come to slay the Lich King?" the man asked.

"Who are you?" Quaraun asked the strange looking stranger.

"Do not question the Great Lich Lord, mortal. If you value your existence, you will answer my question."

"What makes you think I value my existence?"

"Every one who is alive, seeks to stay that way."

"Ah, well, you seem to misjudge the value of suicide then. For I am very much depressed and thoughts of suicide are my only comfort. My lover is dead and I desire to join him. What say you to that?"

"I am the Great Lich Lord. Do not question the Great Lich Lord."

"You are not The Great Lich Lord, King Gwallmaiic is. I know this, because I am Quaraun, The Pink Necromancer, and I made him. He is my Lich. I control him. Now I ask again: Who are you? And why are you in King Gwallmaiic's throne room?"

"I am HellBorne the Evil, Chaos Dawn-reaper the Cult-killer, Son of the Darkness. I am Master of the Black Tower, I am HellBorne Summoner of Darkness and will be the next Great Lich Lord. King Gwallmaiic, you must help me."

"I am not King Gwallmaiic. I am Quaraun."

"You dare to lie to me? I will make you my first victim!"

The man laughed, and his face became blurred and twisted. Then he was gone.

Quaraun puzzled over this and made a note of it in his notes about the strange happenings of this strange week.

The following night, the man returned, this time finding both Quaraun and King Gwallmaiic in the room.

Quaraun was asleep on the pile of furs that made for his bed. Gwallmaiic was sitting at his desk, reading a book about the war against the Zhents. He looked up from his book when he saw the strange visitor.

“Well I’ll be!” BoomFuzzy exclaimed, standing up and walking over to the stranger.

The man did not reply or turn around to look at him, simply holding out a hand in greeting. Gwallmaiic grasped it firmly and shook it vigorously.

“I’ve never seen you here before. Who are you? How do you know where my room is?” BoomFuzzy asked, still shaking the other man’s hand.

The stranger didn’t seem to notice this, though. Instead, he just stared straight ahead at the king.

The man’s voice seemed familiar to Gwallmaiic, but he couldn’t place it.

“You may call me Azathoth. I have come to see the king,” he replied quietly, turning slightly so that his face was more visible to Gwallmaiic.

Gwallmaiic nodded. He wasn’t sure if the stranger could actually hear him, but at least now he knew who he was.

“Alright then,” he said.

"Well?" the man asked?

"Well, you asked to see me and here I am. Now what do you want?"

"You are King Gwallmaiic?"

"Aye," BoomFuzzy answered. "I am King Gwallmaiic. Candy maker and master chef, warrior and war lord, The Elf Eater of Pepper Valley, The Lich King of Fire Mountain, Leader of the Lich Lords. Rapist. Murderer. Cannibal. Necromancer. King of the Faeries. Not quite what you was expecting am I? I a never am. People always expect some tall, buff, good looking young buck, and they get me, short, black, blind, we lil old man, who could almost pass for a Leprechaun if only I had white Irish skin and curly red hair instead of this mountainous pile of grey dreadlocs."

"But you're a Faerie."

"Aye."

"Faeries are always, graceful and flowers and..."

"That is Trouping Seelie Fae. Flower Faeries. I not dat."

"Than what are you?"

"I is Dark Fae. Solitary. Unseelie."

"Unseelie? You mean Demons?"

"Some call us dat. I is a Phooka."

"Puka?"

"No. Phooka. We not same."

"How are you different?"

"Pucas they is sweet, sickly, nice. Dey help Humans. Take pleasing forms. We Phookas, we terrify and den we eat de Human. Me cousin is Krumpas. Him work for Santa. Santa feed him naughty girls and boy. I used to work for Santa too. I builded him gingerbread village. We Phookas, we not sweet and nice like Pucas. We small furry black creatures with great horns, sharps fangs, and black talons, we turn into tiny goat sized black swamp unicorns with silver horns. and drag people to their watery grave."

"You can't be King Gwallmaiic."

"Why not?"

"He's a warrior."

"Aye. I was a warrior. Centuries ago. Back when I was young and horney. Now I just old and horny."

"Oh..."

"Now what?"

"I'm sorry," the man stammered. "I don't know what to say. I hadn't planned this far ahead in my scheme. You see, I never thought I would actually find you. I need to think about what I am to say next."

"Well, all right then. Can I get you anything while you think?"

"Just give me a drink. I need it."

"I haven't got anything but water."

BoomFuzzy handed the man a plastic bottle of water.

"What is that?" the man asked.

"Water."

"What is this container?"

"I believe they call it plastic."

"Plastic? What is it?"

BoomFuzzy shrugged. "I don'know. A gold fleeced sheep from the future gave it to me. He likes to pop in and out of portals just like you do."

The man stared at the innocent plastic bottled water and than backed away.

"No, this is Dark Magic."

"Plastic is Dark Magic?"

"Yes! It's Dark Magic! Evil forces of Darkness created that blasted thing."

"No, I t'ink big brick factories of de future created it. No magic involved."

"It is witchcraft! Unholy witchcraft!"

"Eh?" BoomFuzzy held the bottle up to his eye and stared through the water at the man. "Nope. No witchcraft in it. Just water in a plastic bottle."

"I want no witchcraft!"

"Well, how about the drink of wine?" BoomFuzzy waved his hand and a bar table appeared behind him. "It bottled water from future sheep, absinthe, or I piss in ya mug."

"Then I'll take your piss."

"Okay, alright, green Fae piss it is" Gwallmaiic said, getting up and going over to the bar. He poured himself a glass of glowing emerald green Fairy Wine, than pissed in it.

When he came back over, he sat down again, ad handed the glass of green Faerie piss to the man.

"Is there any ale?" the man asked.

"I t'ought ya come to kill me."

"I don't want to kill you."

"Well, dan I pissed in yer drink for nothing."

If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

"You what?"

"So... what are yar doing here then?"

"I wanted to speak with you."

"And ya t'inks I can help ya?"

"Yes."

"What about?"

"About the Lich King."

"I is the Lich King."

"No the other one."

"There is another one?"

"Yes. I am certain you are not him who I seek."

"Alright. Let's assume there do be another Lich King, which there isn't. How does he fit in?"

"I know you know everything."

"Well, if he is me and I is him, I should knows everyt'ing hims does, eh?"

"He murdered someone."

"I murder lots of someones. I evil Lich King. Killing lots of someones is in job description."

"If he murdered someone, he should have been tried and executed as well. But he wasn't."

"Ya suggests it possible to execute a Lich?"

"Everyone must be tried by the law."

"Ya does'na know what a Lich is do ya, boy?"

"A Lich is a monster, but they still have to be held accountable by the law."

"How do ya propose to kill a Lich King, boy, eh? What manner of big super duper over powered pompous ego maniac mage have ya brought along wid ya?"

"You're not making sense, I'm confused."

"A Lich is an immortal being."

"So?"

"A type of wraith."

"Yeah?"

"Ya ca'na kill dat which is already dead."

"You're dead?"

"Aye."

"When did you die?"

"Centuries ago. In Ivujivik."

"Ivujivik? Where's that?"

"In Quebec. In the Deep North."

"How did you die?"

"I am a Lich."

"So?"

"A Lich only happens as a result of suicide. Did you not know that?"

"Is there no other way to become a Lich?"

"No. A Lich is what a wicked person becomes after they commit suicide, provided they killed someone else at the same time."

"Wait, at the same time?"

"Aye. Murder, suicide."

"So you're saying you not only killed yourself but you killed others with you?"

"Aye. I killed 12 others, laid them out on a 12 pointed star, than minutes later I killed myself, we all died in a great big pile, the 13 of us, and now I is a Lich."

"What happened to the 12 you killed?"

"We all 13 is Liches. We all killed each other and killed ourselves. We are the 13 Lich Lords, we made a murder suicide pact, a cult of necromancers if you will, and I back stabbed them all by killing them, before any of them got a chance to kill me. It why I the Lich King and they are forced to serve me."

"So you tricked them into this?"

"Aye. I poisoned their drinks. I poisoned their Faerie Wine."

BoomFuzzy handed the man a bottle of the green wine as he spoke. The man refilled his glass.

"My Fairy Wine is always poisoned. One should never drink it. They drank it up, then went to slaughter each other and all died with murder in their hearts before they got a chance to kill each other, meaning I killed all 13 of them, and yet, they dank the poison willingly meaning they killed themselves."

"So, you tricked them into killing themselves. That wasn't suicide than."

"Oh no. It was. They was expecting to kill themselves a few months from then. We had a meeting about it. They all agreed to it. Signed a contract. And drank on up. Never suspected a thing. I found a loop hole."

"Loop hole?"

"I found a lot of them, that lil Elf asleep over dair, him be the biggest loop hole of them all. I tricked him into falling in love with me and exchanging our souls in a soul binding ritual, now not only am I a Lich King, lord over other Liches, but my soul safely tucked away in that Elf's body, but that Elf is not an Elf, that Elf is a Thullid Elder Brain, the Mother Brain herself, and she is immortal, she can not die, because she is the mother of life and every time she dies, she starts life over again, the day she was implanted into the Elf. That Elf has lived ten thousand lifetimes and I am reborn with her every time, because my soul is in her body."

"I'm a demon, and I've been sent to punish King Gwallmaiic."

"And who sent you?"

"My master. My god."

"Your what?"

"My god, my creator..."

"So. You come to slay The Lich King?"

"Yes, and you are The Lich King?"

"I am."

"Are you the Lich King who killed all of the Zhentish?"

"Maybe. I Know not whom I kill. I does no keep track of names."

"I seek the Lich King who stole my love from me. Stole her away in the night while I slept. I want revenge on him. Him I wish to fight."

"Oh good god, that word, again."

"What word?"

"Quaraun, did ya hear what him said?"

"I did," Quaraun answered. He was no longer asleep.

Quaraun was sitting on the pile of furs staring at the stranger.

"Do you know who I am?" Quaraun asked the man.

"If you are not the Lich King who stole my love, than I do not care."

"You should care. You should care a lot, for I am Quaraun, Wizard of the Di'Jinn Order, bound by a code to grant every wish placed before me, and you my friend have just said 'I wish' in my presence. And what a careless wish it was. For your wish was to fight a Lich and no mortal will ever live in a battle against a Lich. Thus you have wished for your own death."

"You are..."

"A Di'Jinn and I must grant your wish. I'm so sorry. You should have chosen your words more carefully. Words are important you know. Words have meanings. Humans should learn to be more careful with their use of words. Also," Quaraun turned to BoomFuzzy. "Did you really pee in his drink?"

"Aye."

"What is wrong with you?"

"I is being a dog, today."

"You're what?"

"Ya gotta walk a mile in the metaphorical shoes of a dog, in order to be a good dog, eh?"

"I don't know. I've never tried to be a dog. I'm a JellyFish being an Elf, remember?"

"Aye. But as a dog, I has learned, if ya can’na eat it or have sex with it, ya pee on it and walk away. Of course I could vomit in hims shoes."

"Vomit in.... why?"

"I be Golden Retrieve and go: Oh boy oh boy! Better vomit up me dinner and then eat it again!"

"You are weird, you know that?"

"Aye. But weird is good."

"I suppose. Of course, I'm the one trying to resurrect someone who spends half his life as a dog."

"Aye. And I must make sure to portray him as the goodest boi who gets lots of treats and love."

"But you're a serial killer."

"I said give me TREATS. AND. LOVE. Did I not say dat?"

"You did."

"Ya would no want to be do good old boi's next victim now would ya?"

"No. Especially not since I'm and Elf and Good Ol' Boi is the Elf Eater of Pepper Valley."

"Aye. I knew de treats and love if I to continue being Good Ol' Boy."

"Was that you I was talking to earlier? The wolf? And the dog?"

"Aye. I been practising."

"For what?"

"Ya never knows when one might need to be a dog. I must gets in character. I is shape-shifter. I must learn to be what I be shifted into, now, don't I?"

"I suppose."

"Every character is all about their motivation. So in dis case, it all smells and butt-smells. I must make sure to lick meself or roll in the grass or bark to be let out every now and then. Barking because someone else is barking. Marking territory. Chasing critters. Dog stuff."

"Dog stuff."

"Aye. The key thing is to do me research, talk to as many dogs as I can. Perhaps try living a day or two as a dog, just to get a feel for what life might be like for a man's best friend..."

"BoomFuzzy."

"Aye?"

"Why do you want to be a dog?"

"So I can wag me purple tail. Do ya know we horses can no wag our tails."

Do horses need to wag their tails?"

"No. We has to flick flies with our tails though and it damned difficult to hit them, when ya has a matted tangled up tail what not made for slapping around like way dogs can do."

"So why don't you just be a horse with a dog's tail?"

"Hmmm. Dat not bad idea."

"How does this work?"

"How what work?"

"Shape-shifting. I don't understand it."

"That part is easy. I need to practice a little bit though. A bit to make sure I be not gonna mess anything up."

"How are you going to practice?"

"By changing form and acting like I is what I be."

"Can you control your form?"

"Ya know I can."

"No. I mean... well. I'm not sure wat I mean. When you were BoomFuzzy, you were a white skinned Elf. But in the Di'Jinn desert you were a little black pony the size of a goat. Now you're... you're... a little black man with Asian eyes and horns on your head... I'm... I'm not sure what you are right now."

"I is Phooka. Dis me natural not horse form. I have two form I born with. Dis one and de little black pony wid de silver horn."

"Everyt'ing else is cloths I wear. I change skins and shapes same way ya change dresses."

"That I understand. What I don't understand is the actual HOW in how do you do that?"

"Like this," said BoomFuzzy. "When I shift my form, I change into whatever I am most comfortable wearing and I can wear whatever I want, whenever I want. I can wear what I am most comfortable in any way, I have a range of outfits and sizes. See? I change form now."

"So what are you now?"

"A bear. With fur."

"Don't bears always have fur?"

"No. No. No. I is bear wearing fur coat."

"Oh."

Quaraun was silent for a moment then asked: "Does your name change when your form does?"

"Aye."

"And what is your name, now that you are a bear?"

"Moby. So I can be a dick."

"Aren't you always a dick?"