"Aswang? I thought you were a Phooka?" GhoulSpawn asked.

Unicorn nodded.

"Aye. All Phookas is male. There is no such t'ing as female Phooka. We reproduce with Aswangs. All Aswangs is female. They have no males among dem. Some parts o Scotland call us Each-uisge. We horse men. Not horse. Not man. Not Centaur either. 're the King of the Faeries, right?"

"Me was. Me left dat job. I no like be king. I chef. When one is king, one has no time to cook, un no let ya cook. I like to cook."

"But you call yourself a Faerie? Aren't Aswangs Demons?"

"We is Fae. We is Demons. We is Yokai. It all de same. Fae are Demon. Demon are Fae. Uruisgs are seen as Demons or Faeries, depending on who ya talk too."

"Uruisgs?"

"Like me, half horse, half man, excepting Uruisgs is half sheep."

GhoulSpawn fell very silent. The mention of an Uruisg had upset him.

Quaraun leaned over to GhoulSpawn and whispered: "We know what you are."

"I should go."

GhoulSpawn tried to get up, but Quaraun grabbed his arm and gently pulled him back down.

"You don't have to leave. We're not gonna hurt you. You are an Uruisg, aren't you? Which is why you don't wear pants. You can't, can you? And that's why you wear the huge green houppelande coat. An Uruisg is a male Glastiv, yes? You're a sheep."

"Glastivs are goats," GhoulSpawn said quietly. "They run around in the mountains of the Scottish Highlands. Uruisg are sheep. We're from the Shetland pastures."

"Just like the Phooka's who are little ponies from marshlands. Centaurs of the forests. Fauns of the lowlands. Satyrs of the coast. Minators of the desert. I've never seen an Uruisg before. Can I see your legs?"

GhoulSpawn lowered his eyes and shook his head, silently mouthing the word 'no.'

"Why not?"

"I don't like people to see my legs. I get beat up when people see what I look like."

"We won't beat you."

"You're an arrogant High Elf."

"Only around Humans. I hate Humans. But I happen like Faeries and Demons and half-Elves and you're all three. Besides, you're almost as beautiful as I am."

"You're just in love with yourself aren't you?"

Quaraun completely ignored this statement.

"Is that why you rescue sheep? Because you are a sheep?"

"Yeah. Something like that."

"Would also explain your insatiable lust for women. Uruisgs are like Satyrs in that respect, yes?"

"Yes."

"You don't have to hide what you are from us. We won't judge you and we won't hurt you. You're safe with us. And your certainly welcomed to travel with us."

"I can't travel good."

"Why not?"

"Muddy roads. Rain. Snow. Ice. Wet grass."

"I do not understand?"

"Hoof rot. Muddy and rain and dampness, causes hoof rot. Wet grass and ice have no traction. I'd fall and break my legs. Once I'm down, I can't get back up very well, not without help. My legs are made for climbing rocks, and not much else. My hooves are not made for travel. I can't run. I can sprint. But not sustained running. And I can't walk on smooth floors. Polished marble, tile, linoleum, waxed hardwood. There's nothing for my hooves to grip. I can't climb ladders. I need help on stairs. I'm good at mountain climbing. Leaping around on rocks and ledge. That's why I like this town. The cliffs on the ocean. Beach sand. Dune grass. Blueberry plains. Apple orchards. The ravine. I can maneuver those with ease. The terrain here is good for me. There's a lot of lege here."

"But the people here don't like you."

"I know. The prostitutes and housewives like me. Quite a lot."

"You're good in bed."

"Very. I've long soft Cotswold wool. Women like having something soft and furry to cuddle with."

"Iffy ya lower half be a sheep," Unicorn stated. "Then ya got the cock un balls of a ram. I guessing de wimin folk be liking dat quite a lot as well."

"Can you not talk about me... uhm..."

"Ya can not say cock un balls can ya?"

"No. I didn't grow up in Biddeford."

"I did, so fuck you."

"Yeah, I gathered you were a Biddefidian by the lewd, crude way you talked. Most vulgar town in the world."

"It a sea port. What do ya expect. It sailors, merchants, un fishermen. Rife wid rats, cockroaches, un lobsters."

"You know in the future lobsters are a delicacy and people pay $30 a pound for them."

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

"Unicorn has a point," Quaraun said. "You're balls must be bigger than mine."

"What?"

"You know, before, I wanted to see your legs. Because I never saw a man with sheep legs before. But, now I want to see your balls. I've seen sheep. They have monster sized testicles. Fow does that translate over into a hals-Elf-sheep like yourself?"

"You're both crude."

"I've lived with him too long. And I have a thing for furry lovers."

"Furry lovers?"

"You excit me."

"Did I want to know that?"

"Probably not."

"I'm not gay. And you probably don't know what that means. I don't think that word was in use yet back here in, whatever time this is. I don't with other men."

"You like women. Which is fine, because I have Unicorn. And I'm quite content with him in my bed."

"There you are!" A voice called from across the tavern.

"Oh Goody!" Unicorn said. "Mallac's here."

"Oh bother," Quaraun grumbled. "I think I was supposed to meet him somewhere today. He's trying to get me to solve those murders for him, and I really want nothing to do with it."

Mallac appeared at their table and was about to say something to Quaraun, but saw GhoulSpawn sitting next to him and adressed the half-Elf instead.

"YOU!"

"Hi, Mallac." GhoulSpawn said not looking up at the Human soldier.

"I've been looking for you."

"I know."

"There is not one sheep left in this town. Not one!"

"I know."

"Do you know how long you'll be in prison?"

"Twelve years for each sheep. I know the law."

"Just return the damn sheep. If you don't they'll slap you with witchcraft, consorting with Demons, Satan worship, and everything else they can think of. They'll hang you, stone you, crush you, and burn you."

"I can't return the sheep."

"Why not?"

"They'll be killed."

"They are wool farmers, not lambchop farmers. They aren't killing the sheep, you stupid tree hugging Elf."

"Not the farmers. The cultists. They're the ones taking the sheep. Sacrificing them. I didn't take the sheep from the farmers. I took the sheep from the cultists. The cultist took the sheep from the farmers."

"You and your damn cultists. You're crazy GhoulSpawn."

"I know."

"Damned crazy Elves."

"I'm also an Elf, Mallac," Quaraun said, his voice seething with anger. "And unlike GhoulSpawn, I'm an Elf who doesn't like Humans. And every time I see you, I like Humans even less."

"You stay out of this, you sissified puss..."

"You funking flith loaded piece of shit."

Quaraun stood up was now pointing his wand in Mallac's face. Mallac took a few steps back. He was uncertain what exactly the wizard's wand was capable of doing and he didn't want to find out.

"You came here to harass me, not him," Quaraun continued. "Now what the hell do you want?"

"I want him to give those sheep back."

"That's not what you came in here for..."

"That's what I'm in here for now."

"What do you want, Mallac?"

"I want you to make that damned half-Elf thief bring back the damned stolen sheep."

"He already told you he ain't the one who stole them."

"No, but he admitted to stealing them from the people who did steal them. Which means he has them."

"That's not what it means at all."

"Holy bananas!" Unicorn exclaimed, but Quaraun and Mallac were not listening. Neither was GhoulSpawn, who had grabbed the pink LSD sugar cubes, tossed them into an alchemy potion bottle that he'd pulled from on of his coat pockets. Then threw it into the crowd of dinner guests, and ran out the door.

What happened next was absolute pandemonium as total chaos ensued and everyone in the taver was suddenly jumping out of their seats, screaming, yelling and running from the vast amount of hallucinations that had manifested and could be seen by everyone.

"Rubber Duckies!" Mallac screamed as he ran out the door. "We have to save the rubber duckies! The hurricane will take them all out to sea!"

"What the hell is he talking about?"

"Love not about better communication, it about connection," Unicorn said in response.

"What? What are you... Did you just fall over?" Quaraun asked Unicorn.

"No, I has attacked the ground," Unicorn stated very seriously and matter of factly.

"Backwards?"

"Well, I is just that talented!"

“Of course you are.”

"A wild boar just came running into the room!" Someone yelled from across the room.

Several people jumped from their seats and screamed. Quaraun watched the boar chase guests around the tavern as some men tried to catch it.

"What the hell did he just say?"

"When his testicales hit together it sounded like bells," Unicorn said.

"What?"

"BoomFuzzy's rules of manliness - clap yar balls together while ya walk and sound like angels."

"You're insane."

"No, that yar job. It my job to keeps ya t'ere. Ya should clap ya balls."

"And how exactly am I'm supposed to do that? Unicorn you're being ridiculous."

"No! Yar just let ya ball sac slap against ya thighs. Ya's is big enough to do that."

Unicorn reached between Quaraun's legs and grabbed him by the testiclles.

"STOP IT!" Quaraun yelled, slapped Unicorn's hand away.

"Men with small dicks always has big balls."

"Will you stop it?"

"No. Ya ain't gots not'ing under ya skirts. Ya swings free. If anyone can clap his balls it would be yis."

Quaraun was about to comment when a drunk Human stumbled and fell and grabbed hold of Quaraun's long hair for balance.

"Owwh! My hair!"

Quaraun suddenly jumped up and punched the Human that had touched him.

"How dare you touch my hair!" The infuriated Elf screamed.

Quaraun pulled out his silver brush and began obsessively brushing his hair.

"Two scantily clad chefs are slinging electrically charged pancakes at each other," Unicorn said. "It fills ya with determination."

Quaraun wasn't listening. He was too determined with obsessively brushing his hair into perfectly smooth silk.

While Quaraun obsessed over his hair, Unicorn listened to the scuffle going on in the kitchen.

"We've got all the ingredients we need for cake... milk, sugar, chainsaws, a Human soul...."

"Are you sure we should be using Human souls?"

"It's what the recipe calls for."

"But what if somebody is a vegetarian?"

"Good thinking! I have a can of MTT Human Soul Substitute right here..."

"I t'inks there be something not right about this place," Unicorn said.

Quaraun still wasn't listening. He was muttering about split ends and pixie tangles and holding the ends of his hair in front of his eyes looking for tiny knots that were not there, but he was convinced were there anyways. Unicorn went back to watching what was going on in the kitchen. From the kitchen a giant fish-headed humanoid was yelling: "I'm making pasta, not lobster!"

"Put the damned lobster in the pot!" The tavern's chef yelled back.

"No!"

"They ordered lobster!"

"Well they ain't getting it!"

"Give me that lobster, damn it!"

"No!"

"Undyne! Your fired!" The chef screamed. "Get out of my kitchen!"

Fiercely the giant talking fish dropped the pasta into the pot, grasped hold of the lobster and stomped out of the kitchen.

"Come on Papyrus!" Undyne yelled.

A skeleton came running out of the kitchen behind her. He was wearing a cape and carrying a plate of spaghetti.

"Where we going?" The animated bones asked.

"Out of this place," the fish answered. "The pasta ain't worth eating here. Homemade pasta is best and they use store brand because it's cheaper. And look at what they tried to do to this poor lobster! They was gonna stick him in a pot of boiling water. Come on! We got to take him back to the sea and set him free before someone kills him and eats him."

"What about the Human souls?"

"I'll take the Human souls and beat the hell out of you with them. Now let's get out of this flaming inferno."

The strange duo left the tavern.

"What just happened," Unicorn asked Quaraun.

"What?" The Elf was furiously brushing his silken white, ankle length hair.

"Ya did'na see a t'ing dids ya?"

Quaraun looked around.

"Did something happen?"

"It was like a nightmare popped out of ya head and ran rampant."

"What did I miss?"

"A giant fish rescuing a lobster, and a skeleton eating pasta."

Quaraun blinked as he stared at Unicorn.

"I'm usually the one seeing things."

"I knows it. That why I t'ink somet'ing weird going on in t'is here town. None of t'is seems right. And I the one seeing it, not yis."

The feeling of calming tranquility filled Quaraun's soul with determination.

"GhoulSpawn did something to us," Quaraun said. "He cast some kind of mass hallucination spell. We have to get out of this building."