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Scathing Reviewer [Satirical LitRPG Prog Fantasy]
Chapter 2: The First Arc - Ep. 1, II

Chapter 2: The First Arc - Ep. 1, II

The small dragon brought up a clawed hand to its snout, loudly clearing its throat.

[You humans have been living such an easy life, free of worries or concerns. Isn’t it unfair you could live without paying for anything?]

Had I really written something like that? I guess fourteen year old me would be disappointed we ended up at pest control.

[Finally, you beings will join your own beloved entertainment industry. It’s time you all did something wort—]

A young boy’s words cut off the dragon. “Mommy, is that a talking lizard?” He pointed at the dragon, his head sticking out from the back seat window.

“This must be a hologram advertisement for that web novel. I read the first few chapters, and this is exactly how it started,” a man chimed in, getting out of his car and standing in front of the dragon.

Did that make me a celebrity?

[Huh? No!] The dragon exclaimed out of anger, though it was contrasted by its small, almost adorable blue body. [I am one of the Four Gods!] He roared, and a miniscule flame equivalent to that of a cigarette lighter puffed from its open mouth, small rows of jagged white teeth lining his bright red gums.

More people began to exit from their cars, obviously angry and frustrated at the disturbance. Those who swerved or got into accidents were now yelling at the dragon, raising angry fists into the air.

Channel #IS-2948 is now open.

Observers have been invited to watch Channel #IS-2948.

“Get this advertisement out of the way. I heard the author was scum, but who knew they’d go as far as to block a freeway during the middle of a work day.”

Never mind, definitely not a celebrity.

[A web novel? This is the real deal. Don’t mock me! Do you know how many planets I've streamed?!]

Yang shook me on my arm, forcing me back into my new-found reality. “They’re not talking about you are they?”

“Of course not.”

This bickering dragon was really killing my incredible author reputation.

As if on cue, the dragon was finally fed up with the crowd’s shouting. [I told you… don’t mock me!]

He roared, his body seeming to grow as sharp, dagger-like scales tore through his skin. The row of people in front of him seemed to freeze before their limbs and faces compressed into a ball and exploded. I could hear their bones snapping and crunching before the wet gushing sound erupted and sent a mist of red blood flying all over the freeway.

Little blue flames filtered up through the ground and began cleaning up the bodies, pocketing the eyes, teeth, and jewelry in little blue bins. They danced around before quickly vanishing back into the pits of the world.

Yang and I both screamed, and I quickly clasped my hands over his gaping mouth, accidentally poking his eye. He screamed again while I repeatedly apologized, panicked. This couldn’t be real, right? I mean, really, there was no way I could have been teleported into my own web novel.

But what the hell were ‘observers?’ They definitely didn’t exist.

[Isn’t this so exciting? Now you all know what the stakes are.]

People shrieked, scrambling into their cars and attempting to drive off, yet they quickly imploded. With loud pops, car windows were suddenly splattered with blood that dripped beneath the car doors onto the light gray freeway, coloring the streets a dark red before silence would take over as people trembled in utter fear in front of the Azure Dragon. At least a quarter of people were now dead in front of me.

“W-where is the Liberation Army or the police?” A woman cried, screaming as she collapsed onto the ground, staring at the unfolding scene.

A man wearing rectangular-rimmed glasses shouted back as he stared at his phone. “The government has already been hit! Apparently these creatures are showing up globally!”

“Where’d you read that?”

“It’s on WeChat.”

“Then of course it’s not true! The government is coming to save us, I’m sure of it!”

Of course, there was no government coming to save us. In fact, there was no government at all anymore.

I ignored the ensuing panic and turned to the blue window that popped up in front of me, quickly skimming it after pocketing my phone. Whoever HolyMapleSyrup was, they’d need to wait until the first arc was complete.

CHAPTER #1

PREREQUISITE

Difficulty F Task Survive the ensuing onslaught of monsters, beasts, and insects. Half of the remaining human population must die within the time frame. Time 20 minutes Reward 100 stars per entity slain Failure Death

Ha, so that’s how it was. This was verbatim what I had written ten years ago in Surviving My First Round. Admittedly, the scenario seemed incomplete—what if more than half of the population survived?

Theoretically, the population would randomly die until only half remained, but that wasn’t a concern. Because, no matter how this chapter played out, half of the population was about to be slaughtered.

I scanned the freeway as the timer began to tick down, preparing to drive off before I felt a sudden growth beneath my foot.

Looking down I spotted the cockroach crawling out from beneath my foot. Its countless legs were spasming in the air as it rolled over onto its back, growing at rapid speeds while its wings fluttered desperately.

Observer 'Socrates': It looks like Jia Li is in a bad spot. Maybe this is her karma lol

Socrates? My blood ran cold once I heard my pen name mentioned. That’s right—I knew Socrates.

Socrates was one of the readers I reported.

“Damnit!” I cursed, another realization dawning upon me. If the car was infested with insects during this chapter, they’d grow rapidly before becoming gigantic, man-eating beasts.

Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

“P-Peijin, this isn’t real, right? Can’t we try and talk to the dragon? It might let us go,” Yang pleaded, tugging on my sleeve while fully unaware of the situation playing out.

“Do you want to argue about American politics with it?”

“Well, no, but—”

I gave Yang an annoyed look before crushing all the growing bugs beneath my hand. My hand made a dull sound as I desperately slapped my leg and stomped on the car floor, crushing a pregnant cockroach beneath my palm. A gross fluid oozed between my slim fingers, but I was preoccupied by the blue notifications popping up in front of me.

You have killed an entity.

You have received 100 stars.

You have killed an entity.

You have received 100 stars.

You have killed an entity.

You have received 100 stars.

Countless windows lit up before me, virtually blocking my view—there must have been at least forty eggs from that single roach. Ha… even in such a perilous situation, my heart was beating with joy for some reason. Had I always been this kind of person?

Suddenly, the entire truck seemed to lurch forward before tipping dangerously to the side. A sharp buzzing could be heard from the back of the vehicle as the metal trunk loudly banged as it became marked by deep protrusions.

Yang gave out a sharp yelp as he reached up to the ceiling of the truck, trying to balance himself. My gaze darted to the backseat where I grabbed multiple cans of the strongest bug spray before hopping out of the car.

“Yang, help me kill the ones in the back before they get even bigger!” If we didn’t quickly handle the bug infestation, the situation would quickly escalate, and I wouldn’t even survive past the first Chapter.

I should’ve quit my job.

The truck door flung open as I covered my mouth using the inside of my shoulder, bracing myself with the open can of bug spray in my outstretched arm. A horrific sight greeted me; cockroaches as large as my forearm tumbled out of the trunk, their hooked brown arms flailing and mandibles snapping open and closed. Enlarged bed bugs crawled all over the walls as they spilled out and flailed on the ground before finally rolling over. I shook the can and sprayed as large cockroach antennae brushed against my bare skin.

I choked on the overwhelming smell of pesticides despite trying to hold my breath. A cockroach lunged from the trunk, wings flapping as it moved to clamp its horrific jaws into my arm. The bottom of the can banged against its head as I smashed it onto the ground before repeatedly stomping its head in.

“Yang, where the hell are you?” I cried out, taking steps back as the bugs continued to lunge at me. They were growing larger and more aggressive by the second, and I could feel the spray’s weight lightening in my hand.

In an instant, countless small blue portals opened up all over the freeway, and grotesque green creatures stumbled out of them. With pointed noses, they awkwardly waddled around, small wooden sticks or rocks in their wrinkled hands.

A cockroach bashed into me, sending me flying into the rocky and boiling hot pavement that tore up the soft skin on my elbows, leaving them red and raw. I struggled against the cockroach as its jaws snapped just before my face, menacing and deadly.

Even in my own fabricated world, I was the exact same person.

Well, at least I gave it my best shot.

I shut my eyes, preparing to feel the cockroach dig its face into my flesh. The cockroach was launched off of me, and my eyes flew open in surprise.

“Took you long enough,” I said in a sharp, snarky tone.

You have received your first review!

2.5 / 5 : Very deus ex machina. Wu Peijin shouldn't have survived, although I was very entertained by her struggle while it lasted.

Were observers leaving... ratings and reviews?

Are you kidding me?

Observer ‘Socrates’: Are the stakes really this low? Whatever, I don’t understand why Jia Li is struggling when she literally created this world.

Observer ‘Nipon23’: Lmao imagine how much of a loser she must have been before.

Observer ‘Socrates’: Did you get blocked before, too? For what?

Observer ‘Nipon23’: I commented “TYFTC” instead of “thank you for the chapter.”

Great, there were more. Were observers only people I blocked?

My face flushed in embarrassment from their comments, and I nervously met Yang’s eyes, unaware if he could see the observers’ notifications. But, based on his still glowing expression, I realized they could only be seen by me—at least for now.

Yang stood above me, holding a large spray bottle with a soapy mixture and crowbar in his hands. His chest heaved with each labored breath, but he quickly sprayed down the bugs while bashing the larger ones with the crowbar.

I let out a shaky sigh of relief as I stood up, continuing to crush loose insects. The mix in Yang’s hands was a combination of soap and water; since cockroaches and bed bugs breathed through spiracles—holes in their skin—they would quickly suffocate. Surprisingly, soapy water was much more effective than some insecticides.

You have enough stars to purchase from the Azure Dragon store! Would you like to access the tutorial?

I flicked the notification away with my eyes, but Yang froze for a moment as he explored the store. His thumb was rubbing against the tip of his index finger anxiously, but he was adapting to the situation far faster than I anticipated.

Once we had killed all of the bugs in the van and dragged the couch out from the trunk, I quickly hopped back into the driver’s seat.

Yang turned to face me, noticing the blood dribbling out of my skinned arms and onto the white seat behind me. “Peijin, you’re injured,” he said in a strange tone before popping open the glove compartment and sifting through the miscellaneous items inside.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Scraped elbows were the last thing to worry about. “It’s fine. We need to get out of here first.”

“And go where? Everything is in shambles,” Yang replied, his voice higher from his anxiety. His brows were knitted together, and worry was clearly written in the wrinkles beside his eyes.

I ignored his question and slammed down on the gas, weaving the white truck between the parked cars and wreckages. If I really teleported into my web novel, I had to catch up with the main characters before they split off.

But the last person I’d want to run into would be Qiu Feiyu, the protagonist.

Yang trembled anxiously but nodded at my resolve, chewing on his lower lip. “Why aren’t the… goblins outside doing anything?” He paused on the word “goblins” as he couldn’t quite believe the reality before him. “Can’t we just kill them for more stars?”

“Don’t touch them. If you do, then…” I trailed off, realizing I seemed way too assertive and knowledgeable. I didn’t exactly want Yang to know that I truly was the author of this world, though he was probably smart enough to have put it together. “If you do, who knows what might happen. This is just like one of those apocalypse survival games, so let’s just make it through the first round.”

Time left: 13 minutes 13 seconds

Percent killed: 14%

I doubled back to stare at the blue window. Fourteen percent? That couldn’t be possible… it shouldn’t have been that rapid of a decline. No one had even touched the goblins yet. I shrugged off the thought and continued to serve the freeway, searching for someone.

Ah, there it was. The blue Toyota and the androgynous man standing beside it. He stuck out like a sore thumb; his waist length brown hair was partially tied up into a bun, and although he wore normal attire, one could see the white bandages wrapped around his forearms.

A phone was pressed against his ear as he tried to call the police, shouting at the people on the road to remain calm. Ushering seniors and crying children to the side of the road, his overwhelming desire to protect them was obvious to any onlookers.

I swerved the car and quickly parked, blocking two whole lanes—yet just before I could hop out, the freeway rumbled as parading footsteps and a deafening roar sounded, sending spit flying everywhere.

I glanced up to see a black bear the size of a large truck charging straight toward my vehicle.

[https://i.imgur.com/KQDR74r.png]