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Scathing Reviewer [Satirical LitRPG Prog Fantasy]
Chapter 13: Dungeons of Great Turmoil - Ep. 3, II

Chapter 13: Dungeons of Great Turmoil - Ep. 3, II

Wei was clearly shaken from the posters and Yue’s accusation, but he confidently held his sword in front of him, scanning the dungeon for any entities that might appear.

A familiar blue flash appeared and Wei immediately swung his sword with terrifying force, but only a familiar creature popped out from the portal.

[Agh!]

Chang cried, curling his body like an armadillo to avoid Wei. A small jar of candy was held in his arms, and he quickly moved to protect it. Chang let out a fiery huff before unfurling, his body seeming longer and larger than when we had last met.

I groaned at his appearance. This nuisance was back. “What do you want, Chang? Why would you even appear during the middle of a dungeon arc when everyone is on edge?”

[I didn’t come to get scolded! But, Peijin—] he cut himself off as he awkwardly surveyed the room. [...and Peijin’s friends… do you mind putting on a big show for this arc? It would be much appreciated by your favorite moderator.] He put his clawed hands up in front of him like a prayer and bowed his head.

“I always put on a show. I can beat all the monsters in this room in a few seconds after they spawn, so keep the camera and all the divinities here,” I remarked with a wide smile, my eyes closed into happy crescents.

“By the way, what are you holding?” I gestured toward the candy jar in his hands.

[Oh, this? One of the parties actually tipped me! Have you ever heard of something like that?]

“Mhm, that’s really sweet, Chang,” I replied, nodding my head multiple times. “Can I have one?”

[What?]

I opened my eyes to meet his distraught gaze, one of my eyebrows raised. Chang let out a sigh before popping open the jar and pushing it toward me, his eyes squeezed shut as he turned his head away.

My hand shuffled through all the colorful wrapped candies before taking out an orange lollipop. I quickly unwrapped it and popped it into my mouth.

“Thanks Chang! You’re the best,” I smiled, handing him the empty candy wrapper.

Countless blue flashes appeared all over the dungeon as dozens of the same goblins spawned, wandering aimlessly. I stole an awkward glance toward Yue, but small blue particles were already sparking all around her.

[Disciple Yue activated ‘Speaker of Goblins!’]

The goblins quickly froze before bowing onto the ground before her, their pointy green noses awkwardly forcing their heads to turn when trying to press onto the ground.

Yang’s sword was drawn in front of him as he was preparing to attack, but his stance became loose and his shoulders fell. “Can we clear the dungeon level just by taming them?”

“That would make this too easy for teams with beast tamers. We should all kill an equal number and get the coins before moving on,” I declared, bashing a goblin into a mushy pile of guts beneath my shield. Despite the gross impact and subsequent squelch, my shield was left spotless.

Yue crossed her arms and glared at me. “Shouldn’t I get kill the goblins and get the most coins? I’m the one who tamed them.”

I continued to kill more of the goblins while Yang followed suit, although Wei lagged behind, seemingly nervous from the posters. “Are you the party leader? No? Okay. It’s called working in a team, Yue.”

Yue was visibly seething beside me, her fists clenched, but she thankfully kept her mouth shut and began to kill the goblins. Under her command, they didn’t even spare a confused or hurt glance at her when she pierced her sword through their small, fleshy brains.

Disciple Yue has deeply betrayed demon 'King of Resourceful Goblins.'

Hindsight activated!

Now, when I looked at Yue through my skill, the only being behind her was the Bull Demon King, who I hardly considered a villain as much as an antagonist; however, there was now a blue box floating above her head.

Warning: This act will have unforeseen consequences.

"Wait, Yue," I called out, stopping her with my sword.

Scathing Reviewer activated!

"Let me do it. I'll let you get the next room, alright?" I continued. My expression was serious as I looked down at Yue's hard face—although I usually tried to make her life more difficult, I couldn't let her face a potential punishment under my orders.

Disciple Yue has activated 'Lie Detector!'

Disciple Peijin is telling the truth.

Yue let out an annoyed sigh before grumbling: "Fine, whatever." It finally seemed like there was a bit more trust between us.

Once all the goblins were dead, each providing about ten coins, their bodies dissipated into dust and a deep brown chest appeared in the center of the dungeon. Wei popped it open with a single flick of his blade and peered into the glowing interior.

The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

The chest contained a handful of initially random swords and weapons. Amelia ran over and got on her tiptoes to peer inside, but I placed a hand on her shoulder to move her back. The most important thing in this chest, however, was the 'Gun,' otherwise known as long staff.

“Yang, you should take the staff. It’ll work best with you, since Sun Wukong wields the Ruyi Jingu Bang,” my hand gripped the wide band before I handed it to him. Yang spun it around for a moment, inspecting the ends before tracing the inscription with his fingers.

“The Golden-Bound Staff of Cruelty,” he whispered, reading out the engraved words. “What a mouthful.”

“Think of it as just a weird rip-off version, but it suits you more than the rest of us.”

The next thing I reached for was a small silver cuff. Shallow but highly ornate engravings of dragons, a phoenix, tigers, and serpents covered it, and it reflected a slight sheen of glowing white light. I popped it open before locking it around Amelia’s wrist.

My tone was much more hushed when I spoke to her and got down on my knee to speak to her eye-to-eye. “The engravings here imply that it’s either a defensive cuff or will help you with taming just like Yue-ayi.”

Amelia inspected the cuff, gripping it with her other hand and fidgeting the fitting. “Then shouldn’t you give it to Yue-ayi?”

“No.”

Yue huffed behind me. “Am I even a party member?”

“Are you so weak that you need a protection amulet? Should I not give it to Amelia?”

Yue quickly shut up after that, grabbing the two left over swords and giving one to Wei, keeping the other for herself. Both of the swords were clearly better than the ones they picked up from the armory, harboring a longer and glowing blade.

Once the chest was cleared, it quickly vanished as a new portal opened to spawn in the next creatures. This time, six large ogres appeared; their crackled and dry skin was littered with deep, oozing scars. The largest, bearing two horns jutting out from its grotesque forehead, immediately roared and caused spit to splatter into Wei’s face.

The ogre lunged and gripped Wei’s throat and hoisted him into the air, but Wei slashed through its arm in one clean movement. Blood splattered out from the ogre’s small shoulder stump as it cried out, causing the rest to lunge toward Wei.

Despite the ogres being much more formidable opponents than the goblins, everyone had leveled up enough to handle them with relative ease. Each level however would get five times harder than the previous, which meant the round after this would be exponentially more difficult and match the party’s skill level.

Yue and Yang charged forward together, slashing and dicing the ogres into small cubes as Wei freed himself to join them. The glow of gathered coins filled the air like shimmer, and Yue immediately reinvested them into her levels.

If only I had the same plethora of skills, I would have done the same. I stood beside Amelia, helping her make rather feeble attempts at killing the ogres. The bloodied floor filled with chopped limbs vanished before a chest.

Observer 'Socrates': This is so much more disgusting to watch than read about

This time, the chest was filled with different outfits. Hoodies, robes, suits—it was enough for around half of the party members. I gasped as I grabbed a blue hoodie with a cartoonish graphic on the front and quickly threw it on; the fabric immediately readjusted to fit perfectly around my figure.

Physique level 15 → level 20

Agility level 20 → level 27

It was becoming more expensive now to upgrade levels, and the clothing was an easy way to increase personal stats while also adding a layer of very fashionable armor. Not liking the odd number for my agility level, I invested a few thousand coins.

Agility level 27 → level 30

“Wei, you should take the white robes again. It’ll go around the top layer of the set you’re currently wearing, but it should increase your stats some more.”

His face awkwardly flushed as he took the set from my hands. “You want me to put it on here?”

“Are you not dressed in layers beneath your outer robe?”

“I am, but it’s just…” he trailed off, fidgeting with the fabric in his hands.

I gave Wei an exasperated look before waving him off with my hand. “Whatever, tie it around your waist or something for now.” I continued to look through the chest, pulling up the last clothing item—a black tuxedo suit and red tie.

The suit was definitely one of the best finds in all the dungeon chests, since it offered the biggest boost in personal stats. I was biased in wanting to give it to Yang, for two reasons, but Yue needed it significantly more than he did.

I groaned but relented, leaving it in the chest. “Yue and Yang, you two can fight over this.”

Yang looked awkward, balancing on his sword and rocking his weight back and forth. “You can take it, Yue. I already got the staff.”

For once, Yue seemed a bit hesitant. “It’s fine. Your poster was a bit more… strange than mine. You’ll need it more.”

Yang flushed at the mention of his poster, immediately straightening up and grabbing the suit while letting out little, hesitant laughs. His poster was admittedly the weirdest from the perspective of someone who knew what everyone else’s experience during this arc was going to be. If each poster was personalized, then his was….

Observer 'Hedgehog1938': Bye if I got that poster, you'd never hear from me again. I'm embarrassed just watching him

Once the suit was removed from the chest, the next round immediately began. This time, twelve giant portals appeared all over the dungeon, and the dungeon walls shot back dozens of feet to expand the room.

Time left: 3 minutes 42 seconds

Massive dire wolves spawned to form an entire pack over the dungeon. They were around fifteen feet long each, their hackles raised as they bore their teeth. The largest was around twenty feet long, and it led the pack to circle around my party members.

The room suddenly filled with an ominous air; these wolves were clearly their most formidable opponent, and the sheer number made them incredibly dangerous.

The largest immediately lunged for me, but I jumped to the side, bringing my shield up to force it back. Yang spun his staff in his hand before launching forward at incredible speed toward the flank of the pack, yet the wolves predicted his move and snapped for his leg.

Before its teeth could latch on, Wei’s sword made a loud clash with the wolf’s jaw, and he quickly twisted his sword out of its mouth and thrust his sword into the wolf’s flank. It let out a desperate howl and tore its side out, jumping back and snarling.

Amelia screamed as a wolf snapped at her ankles, causing her to fall down and crawl back. Yue grabbed her and pulled her back, forcing Amelia into a protective circle formed by all the party members.

“Wait!” I cried out, blocking an incoming attack, “Let Amelia try to tame one of them!”

She was tightly gripping the silver cuff now, staring up at me with trembling blue eyes. Before I could say anymore, the alpha wolf saw an opening and its jaws flew wide open, wrapping around my entire abdomen and clamping down.