It was a bright, sunny afternoon in the roman colosseum, and I was charging at a whole pride of lions. My weapon? Five boxes of chicken mcnuggets!

I had them stashed everywhere. In my shorts. Under my arm. Inside my shirt and in my mouth. I was feeling healthier already! Literally. My HP was 70/110 now. Those few boxes were really yummy.

My stash was waiting behind me, tucked into the trusty lucky block I had just opened. How many boxes were in there? Dozens? A few hundred, even? I had no way of knowing. All I could tell was that the lions were fucking screwed.

With my free hand, I swiped the main menu like a madman. I weaved around bites, dodged claws, went in between and around the growling lions.

“Oh yeah, think you’re so tough? C’mere!”

“Roland!” Lydia shrieked. “There’s five of them and one of you.”

I smirked at that. “Then it’s an even fight.”

Well, not really.

A lion roared at me in defiance. I took my free arm and shoved it up down it’s gullet. The lion choked, sputtered, and bit down. The pain wasn’t even bad enough to warrant a howl this time. Only a wince. See, I’d gotten myself used to it.

Ok, ok, maybe that was giving myself a bit too much credit. Part of it was the system. Or well, most of it, anyways. However the HP shield worked, it well, worked. I didn’t feel as much pain as I usually would have. Sure, it was there, but hardly debilitating. I could work through it.

HP: 55/110

I grinned, and popped a fistful of mcnuggets in my mouth.

HP: 65/110

Then another.

HP: 75/110

And another…

As life sputtered from the lion’s eyes, I turned around, a murderous glint in my eyes. “Well, well, well. What have we here?”

[System]: Level up to level 8!

You unlocked a skill point!

[System]: Level up to level 9!

You unlocked a stat point!

[System]: Level up to level 10!

You unlocked a skill evolution!

The lions stared, growled, roared. But underneath it all, I could see their violently swishing tails. I could see the quickness in their breaths. I could see the lurking, unmistakable fear in their eyes.

I chewed on my McNuggets menacingly. The lions ran. I chased after.

“What’s wrong?” I roared, running after them. Spittle and pieces of McNugget spewed from my mouth. “Why don’t you fight me, scaredy cats? Come over here! Don’t you want a piece of me, huh? Where do you think you’re going?”

And thus the tale was told for there ever after: a tale of valor, courage, and more than a little mysticism. The terrified lions ran circles around the arena, and the man with chicken nuggets pursued.

Sadly, trumpets blew and cut me off before I could kill them all.

The gates flung open, and the lions dashed through, faster than I could follow. With their tails tucked between their legs, they ran to the safety of their cages. Then the doors slammed shut. A man began approaching, bedecked by silks and jewels and fine ornaments. As he raised his arms, his purple cape fluttered in the wind.

In the distance, he shouted something I couldn’t make out, and bowed.

“Any idea who that is?”

Lydia stared, her pretty face stuck halfway between awed and confused. “That’s… a priest?”

I scratched my head. “Any idea what he’s saying?”

“No.” She peered at her screen, eyes focused on something I couldn’t see. “Actually, you have the AI. Why not ask for a translation?”

Right. Actually…

I entered the main menu, and In an act of sheer foolishness, I used my first evolution point on audio detectors.

Now, you probably don’t understand how stupid that was, so let me explain. See, evolution points were limited, once every five levels. That didn’t sound like a lot, but levels got harder and harder to get. I could’ve counted. Each lion was 500 XP. It took only one lion killed for the first five levels, but two for the next five. Seeing a pattern? Yep.

Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website.

It wasn’t much now, but I had just wasted possibly hundreds of lions worth of work in the future. No, not possibly, definitely.

As I would find out later, I had done goofed. But in the meantime, I enjoyed the pleasure of finally being able to read latin in english.

GPT, I typed. Translate this guy’s words into english please.

Surprisingly, it went without a hitch.

Sure. Here’s a translation of the following phrase:

“-favor of the divine. Praise be the emperor, praise be the senate, praise be the people of rome!”

Huh.

I looked at the priest, at the cheering crowds, and scratched my head to wait for the platitudes to die down. “Spectators of the colosseum, let yourself be heard! For the blessed of the gods!”

If there’s anything else I can help you with. Please feel free to ask.

Roars and applause came from the stadium. I gasped, wide eyed, and countless thousands rose to their feet.

Were they… cheering me? A smile suddenly came to my face, wiping away the pain, the tears, the vomit and sweat. It was worth it, all of a sudden. All worth it. The genuine feeling, the accomplishment… it was almost enough to make me forgive them for cheering my death.

I spread my arms, a wide smile on my face, and I bowed. I could’ve lived forever in that moment, basking in the feeling, the glory.

Then Lydia spoke up. “Erm… Roland? Behind you?”

I turned around to the sight of an opulent carriage procession.

Yes, opulent. Four horses pulled the massive, lumbering thing forwards. These weren’t small horses either. They were large, made even larger by their gold platings and heavy dressings of silks and vermillion carpet. Behind them, the carriage followed.

Thinking about it, this seemed less like a carriage and more like a small house. Its width was twice the length of the horses, standing with considerable distance between each other as they pulled the carriage. It sported what looked like at least half a dozen windows, and no fewer than six wheels. Gold and jewels encrusted every inch of the thing, and intricate artwork dotted the sides of gilded wood.

Soldiers flanked each side, tall and imposing in their armor. Their plate armor was weaved from scales, each piece interlinking with another. Together, they made for a massive hunk of constantly shifting metal. Then there was their spears. I gulped as I saw them. They were tall, and sharp. Too sharp for my liking.

Oh…

Redness rushed to my cheeks. Right. They were cheering for this guy. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Lydia’s voice was apologetic. “Well… you looked like you were enjoying it.”

Ok, fine. She was right. I was enjoying it, but still…

I tried to find something else to talk about, but failed. I sighed.

“GPT, can you hear me?”

As an AI language model, I don't have the ability to hear or listen to sounds. I can only process and respond to text-based input. Please feel free to type your questions or concerns, and I'll do my best to assist you!

Right.

It seemed like the audio detection feature hadn’t made the AI any more sensible.

“I’m in an ancient roman colosseum, and I’m being approached by a posh looking carriage flanked by soldiers. The entire colosseum is cheering. Any idea who this is?”

Based on the description you provided, it's difficult to determine the specific identity of the person in the posh-looking carriage without further information. However, given the setting of an ancient Roman Colosseum, a possible candidate could be a high-ranking individual such as a Roman emperor or a prominent figure from ancient Roman society.

To identify the person in the carriage, you might need to observe their appearance, clothing, or any other distinctive attributes that could provide clues about their identity. Additionally, historical context and knowledge about specific events or figures during the ancient Roman era could be helpful in making a more accurate determination.

Well, that made sense I suppose. But then… well, what the hell? I needed actual information!

Now, here’s where I leave my warning for all those who come after. If you ever have a choice of magic power, any power, DO NOT CHOOSE AI! This thing is so goddamn useless I can hardly put it to words. I could’ve chosen to fly, instead. Throw punches like a boss. Hell, even a basic weapon was better than this! How would chatGPT deal with a lion? Bore it to death?

Ok, rant over. Where was I?

I frowned. As I watched, the carriage doors were flung open, and out stepped the fattest man I had ever seen. Or well, maybe stepped wasn’t quite the right word.

Now, I have nothing against fat people, don’t get me wrong. But there was fat, and then there was fat. This guy, whomever he was, was FAT. The man was wider than he was tall, his bulging pot belly sporting enough blubber to make most whales jealous. His legs, large as they were, resembled tree trunks more than human limbs, and his jowls were so huge his face appeared tiny in comparison.

As he stepped forwards, a small army of servants scurried over, slowly helping the groaning and grunting man up. I felt bad for them. The guy must’ve weighed at least five hundred pounds.

I heard a loud tearing noise as he stood, and I felt my jaw drop. There was no mistaking that royal purple, the imperial insignia, and the rich gold lace. Nor the crown, solid gold by all appearances. If this wasn’t an emperor, there was no emperor in Rome.

But which one?

“Hey, uh… GPT. This guy definitely looks like an emperor. And he’s super fat. Any idea who this might be?”

Based on your description of a posh-looking carriage, soldiers, and a noticeably overweight individual who resembles an emperor, it is possible that the person you are encountering in the ancient Roman Colosseum is Emperor Vitellus. Vitellus was a Roman emperor who reigned for a very short period of time in 69 AD. This is often referred to as the year of four emperors.

Vitellus was known for his extravagant lifestyle and excessive indulgence, which contributed to his reputation for being overweight. He was also interested in various forms of entertainment, including chariot racing and gladiatorial games, which were popular in the Colosseum.

Finally! Some useful information!

“Mind telling me a bit more about this guy? The time period?”

Certainly! Aulus Vitellius was born in 15 AD in Rome, Italy, and he came from a distinguished Roman family. Vitellius's reign as Emperor took place in the turbulent year of 69 AD, which is often referred to as the Year of the Four Emperors. However, Vitellius faced significant challenges during his short reign. His rule was marked by excessive spending, wastefulness, and extravagant banquets, which strained the Roman treasury and led to public dissatisfaction.

A wasteful spendthrift then. Ok. That was something.

“So… how should I greet him?”

* As Emperor Vitellius lived in ancient Rome during the 1st century AD, the appropriate greeting to use would depend on your social status and the context of the meeting. In general, when meeting an emperor, it was customary to show respect and deference. Here is a potential way to greet Emperor Vitellius:

Salve, Imperator! "Salve" means "Greetings" or "Hail," while "Imperator" was a title used for the Roman Emperor. This respectful greeting would acknowledge his imperial status.

As the emperor stumbled forwards, I did my best impression of a bow. “Salve, Impera-”

He walked right past me.

As I watched, the emperor threw up his arms, screaming towards the crowd with a booming voice. “Salve, Romanus!”

Not gonna lie, that left me kinda miffed. He could’ve looked at me at least! Even worse, I heard Lydia’s stifled chuckle. I fumed silently.

Thankfully, I wasn’t completely ignored. As I looked on, I saw one of the guards approach.

“GPT, translate this for me…”

The soldier nodded respectfully.

“Hail, hero. Rome is witness to your valor and courage. The praetorians would welcome a man such as yourself. Shall you honor our brotherhood with your entrance?”

Praetorians? I quickly ran it by my trusty AI.

The Praetorian Guard, known as Praetoriani or Cohortes Praetoriae in Latin, was an elite unit of the Roman military tasked with protecting the Roman Emperor.

All well and good, but I only really needed to learn one thing. “Is the pay good?”

Yes, the Praetorian Guard received higher wages, including a special bonus called the "praemia praetoria," which was a substantial additional payment awarded upon entering the guard. They also enjoyed better living conditions and access to various privileges, such as better food, housing, and other amenities.

Now that was an easy decision if I ever saw one.

“Tell me how to agree.” I read the text, and smiled at the soldier.

“Sic.”

Lydia finally broke her silence. “Did you just get a job?”

I paused with a swipe. “Looks like it.”

She still looked worried. “Are things going to be ok from here?”

I gave her my best impression of a dashing smile, and made one of the worst decisions of my life. “Of course. I can handle myself.” I lied.