Now, I’m sure we’ve all seen a part like this by now. The hero meets the challenge head on, finds a creative use of their power, and overcomes the problem in a way nobody expects in a stroke of genius! Or maybe they do their best, riding forward on bluster and bravado until their author decides to save them.
Unfortunately, I’m neither smart nor stupid. Only decidedly average, so when the lions came running I ran for my life like a sane person.
I never thought I could run this fast, but then, the screams behind me provided ample encouragement. As I snuck a glance behind me, my knees turned to jelly.
It was pandemonium. The lions were merciless, bloodthirsty. Dozens of bodies already littered the ground, dead, or dying. The pit floors, once clean, were now stained, painted a bright red by spilt blood and marrow. Then there was the smell. Piss, vomit, and sweat mixing with the red, thick, grimy blood.
Wait…
My eyes flicked up at the stands.
Wait…
I looked at the people around me. The screaming, the tears, the lions.
Wait… someone…
Something churned in my stomach.
“Help!”
Nobody heard me. If they did, they were too busy getting eaten.
I opened the menu as I ran, the thudding and snarling of paws fast behind me. I scrolled, I stared, I screamed. Trying to find something, anything!
The AI model was still open, the previous response sitting there like an obnoxiously big road sign. My fingers flew forwards with a speed I didn’t know I had.
Quick, please! A lion is chasing me! What should I do?
“Come on come on come on come on come on…” As I watched, the message begun generating.
1. **Do not run**: Running may trigger the lion's instinct to chase you. Instead, try to remain calm and stand your ground.
Huh? Not run, the fuck?
2. **Make yourself look big**: Open your arms wide, raise them above your head, and spread your jacket or any other clothing to make yourself appear larger. This can intimidate the lion and make it think twice before attacking.
Intimidate a damn lion? Who was this AI kidding?
3. **Maintain eye contact**: Keep your gaze focused on the lion without directly staring into its eyes. Show the lion that you are aware of its presence and not afraid.
I swiped the message away wordlessly. It wanted me to stare a lion down? How in the world… I can’t even stare down my own reflection!
Then I heard the growl behind me. With my breath in my throat, I dived. I could feel the hot breath of the lion’s breath as it burst past, the air splitting swipe of it’s claws. I could smell that hot, stinking, rancid odor of blood.
The lion landed in front of me, his purid yellow teeth still chewing through some unfortunate man’s arm. Red, bloodshot eyes stared me down as I scrambled, horrified.
“No…” I whispered. “No no no no no-” I scrambled back. The lion advanced.
My heart raced. There had to be a way. They couldn’t do this! Surely there was some sort of…
It hit me suddenly. Lydia was my emergency contact! Grabbing my system screen, I swiped for dear life. The lion pounced.
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And then time froze.
No, like, not the cliche. Time literally froze. The world became suddenly, ominously silent. The crowd was still cheering, their hands thrust up into the air. The lions were still roaring, teeth bared as their mouths gaped wide. I was still scared out of my mind, half pissing myself, but time wasn’t moving. And neither was I.
Well, not my physical body anyways. I was stumbling back. My body though, was still on the ground, cowering as the lion pounced. It was surreal, to say the least, seeing yourself from a different angle.
Was this… third person POV? I scratched my head. Well, that made sense, I suppose. Though…
An idea struck me suddenly. I walked up to a now frozen lion, and begun winding my punch. “One, two, three.” I huffed. “One, two, three. One two…” I swung, and my fist promptly phased through the lion’s skin like a hologram. I crossed my arms.
“F*ck.” Well, ok, worth a try.
So, this was basically spectator mode then. That was good to know. I looked around, my eyes scanning for anything that could possibly be of use. That was to say, not much. I caught sight of a few broken arrow heads, broken tips and shards of broken weapons. Nothing much though, certainly nothing I could use to kill a lion.
“Ayo!” I shouted at the sky. “Big guy upstairs! Mind handing me an assault rifle or the like?” I waited a bit.
No? Aww… Well, worth a try. But if that wasn’t going to work, I went for the next best thing.
[System]: Connecting you to the helpdesk
A pleasant, feminine voice answered me. “Hello, welcome to to Fraudem Intermultiversal call center. How may I help you?”
I blinked, dumbfounded. “Heaven has a call center?”
“Oh, you didn’t know about us?” Her voice was somewhere between curious and surprised. “We’re the most reputable of such centers in the area! You won’t find a more trustworthy organization in hell!”
I blinked. I didn’t pay particular attention in bible studies class, but… “Wait a minute. Hell?” Something clicked. “Fraudem… you guys are the eighth circle? Like… the place where liars and scammers go?”
I could almost hear her eagerly nodding. “Of course! Finally, someone recognizes us! We don’t get nearly that much publicity nowadays. I swear, all the lawyers here are ruining our good name.”
Great. So I was in a Roman colosseum, a hundred thousand people are cheering for my death, a lion is after me, and now I’m dealing with a call center filled to the brim with scammers. I would have laughed if it wasn’t happening to me.
I took a breath. “Ok. Mind getting me Lydia on the phone? She’s my liaison. I’m having a bit of uh… trouble, right now.” I eyed the hungry lion in front of me.
“Sure thing, m’dear. Which one? We have 2.35 million people listed with the first name Lydia.”
Oh, f*ck.
“Um… she’s…” I tried to think of things. “Chipper. Enthusiastic. Feels alive. Oh, and very pretty.”
I could almost hear her frown. “I’m terribly sorry, but… do you have the slightest idea how little that narrows it down?”
Right.
“Ok fine.” I admitted. “I don’t know, okay? She just got back from like… I don’t even know. A two decade long vacation. We met like a day ago. I don’t know much!”
“Two decades?”
“Well… that’s what she said at least.”
“Oh. My. Devil! Finally! Someone in heaven actually doing their job? Oh my dear you simply must introduce me to her. Most of them don’t even show up for work anymore after the first day! This dedication…”
Was that a moan I just heard? Psycho…
“Oooh, I found her! Last active a day ago! Let me connect you. Wait a minute please.” I heard some pleasant humming from the other side of the line.
“Mm so… how was your day today my dear? Anything fun happen?”
“Well… I showed up in ancient Rome, fell into a fruit stand, and now I’m stuck in a colosseum waiting for Lydia to save me from being eaten by lions. Not the best. You?”
That, it seems, was the question she’s been waiting for. “Oh you have no idea. Days in hell are so goddamn boring. We haven’t gotten a call in ages. And when we do it’s always the dumb stuff. The guys don’t even try flirting with me anymore! I swear, the things a literally unending office job does to a woman…”
She went on for some time until my eyes started glazing over. It was then that I remembered. “Hey, wait a minute. It’s been a hot minute. Why haven’t I been linked up to Lydia yet?”
A guilty pause. “Well…”
My eyes narrowed. “You have been trying, have you?”
“About that… uhhh…” There was some scrambling noises from the other side. “Well… ok fine. I was stalling. You are the first person to call in ages, you know. Could you maybe, yknow… stay with me a while longer?” She tried.
“Well, I would. But uhh…” I stared at the lions again. “As I just told you, I’m in a bit of a bad spot right now. Later?”
I could hear the hope surge in her voice. “Really? You mean it?”
Well, I wasn’t too sure about that, but if it got her out of my hair… “Promise! You can trust me, I’ve gotten into heaven, you know. I’ll call back.”
I didn’t need to see her to know she was smiling. “Sure thing! Well… I won’t hold you up then. But- do remember to call back sometime, kay? Ask for Lilith.” She quickly added.
“Of course.”
A light buzzing sound came from the system as I took a breath. Phew. That was close.
The ringtone started playing.
One two three four Jesus! Oh cmon let’s hear you Jesus!
I blinked. Was that a ghetto song? Well… this was based in heaven, so I guess it made sense. Normally, I might be a bit annoyed. But right now? It was the best, most soothing, comforting tune I’ve ever had the pleasure of listening to. And besides, a step up from that girl’s incessant chatter. I sighed, laying back down on the pits. It’s fine. The game was paused. As long as I had time…
[System: Alert, battery low (20%)]
Or…. not. F*ck. The hell? They couldn’t at least give me a portable charger?
Then came the worst news yet. The ringtone stopped.
“The caller you are attempting to reach is currently unavailable. Please leave your message at the tone.”
Lydia’s cheery voice took over. “Hi there! You’ve reached Lydia. Now, if I can’t answer right now, it’s probably because I’m on vacay or something. Don’t you worry though, I got the call, and I’ll be getting back to you soon. Give me a bit, alright? Thank you~”
A bit?? For all I knew that was years!
I checked the battery. 19%.
“Lydia! Please. This is an emergency! Lydia!”
Then came the beeping noise, and silence.