Let me be honest. Of all the things I could’ve chosen to be my cheat code, chatGPT had to be one of the worst ideas possible. 

I could’ve been able to fly. Had super strength. Throw fireballs. Or had a conventional system, a shop, all the goodies that would’ve actually made me useful. But noo… I had to be smart about things. And well… it is what it is now. My villa is on fire, the senate is after my blood, and an angry mob is waiting outside to toss me into a river. The worst part? Lucilia didn’t even give me the kiss she promised! That bitch. 

Sigh… However did I get here? 

But let me explain, okay! See, it all started on that one fateful morning where I made the worst decision of my life.

***

It was a special morning in Heaven that day. The chairs, neatly arranged by the reception desk, were soft and comfortable. The temperature was mildly warm, and a soft breeze drifted across the clear blue skies. The winds ruffled the clouds beneath me as they passed, brushing and waving, until it departed for the earth below once more. 

Normally, I wouldn’t have settled for sleeping on a chair. But given that I had just died yesterday, I thought I was entitled to a good rest. Angel quality feather mattress, maybe? I probably would’ve stayed there for the next day or two if the receptionist didn’t wake me up. 

“Ahem… rise and shine, sleepyhead!” 

I blinked the spots in my vision away. As I looked up, I found a girl staring at me with the widest smile on her face. 

She was a true ray of sunshine. I don’t mean this in the disingenuous way, like when your relatives come for a visit and you can’t think of anything good to say. The girl looking at me was positively shining, her lush and youthful features making her seem much younger than she was. Her eyes were twinkling, and she had that uniquely cheery expression of someone who never seemed to have a bad day. The best part? She was cute too! 

Like I said, a true ray of sunshine. 

She found me a glass of water as I yawned, shaking some of the tiredness away. It felt weird, waking up to something that wasn’t the sound of an alarm clock. When was the last time… 

“So…” For a moment, some cheeriness left her voice, and her smile wavered slightly. “I hate to break the news to you, mister, but…” 

“No need.” I said, snatching the water from her hands. I took a good, long sip before I spoke. “I know I’m dead.” 

She blinked. Whatever response she was expecting, it sure wasn’t this one. 

“What?” I asked, giving her a sideways glance. “Hey come on now, I’m no idiot. I’m sitting on top of literal clouds, for heaven’s sake! No line to wait either, without an appointment?” I spread my arms. “You can’t tell me that isn’t pure heaven right there.” 

You should’ve seen her face then. She looked positively like she had a lack for words. “I suppose that’s one way to think of it.” She bit her lip. “I’m sorry, mister. You won’t be able to see your family again, maybe not for a long while. You won’t be able to live life, experience things. I… I’m sorry for your loss.” She sounded almost genuinely upset. 

I just stared.

“But please, there’s no need to be depressed.” She added on hurriedly. “We have facilities here, fun things to do, and your favorite games! Elden Ring, Smash Brothers, Mario Kart, Roblox Jailbreak, Roblox Fart attack…” 

Ok, don’t look at me like that! The last one was years ago, I swear! Let’s not get distracted. 

“Sorry? Wait wait wait, run that back for me?” 

Her expression was confused. “Games, your favorite-” 

“No no.” I interrupted her. “The first part.” 

She didn’t grimace. It was more of a not-smile. I suspect she couldn’t manage much worse. Her head lowered. “You won’t be able to see your family again, live life-” 

My fist pumped into the air. “Hell yeah!” I almost flew out of my seat. “Finally!” 

She blinked at me again. 

Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website.

“Do you have any idea how long I wanted this? No more bills, studying, work… my god! And no parents to lecture me about how useless I am? I could kiss you.” Well, I wanted to, at any rate. But even heaven wasn’t so kind. 

Her not smile turned back into a smile. “Good to see you’re looking on the bright side.” She chirped. She did inch away from me though. A real shame. 

I didn’t care too much though. There was so much more to be excited about! “So… where’s the part where you isekai me off in another world for a fun adventure?” 

She blinked again. “You’ve heard about our program?” 

I nodded earnestly. “Of course, everyone has! Haven’t you been into the web novel scene recently? Useless bum gets hit by a truck. Sent to save another world and gets a lot stronger?” 

She gave a nervous laugh at that. “Um… about that. I’ve been uh… on a two decade long vacation. I’m a bit behind on the scenes you see. Is everyone else like you?” 

I scratched my head. “Well, I can’t speak for others, but come on! Endless adventure, loads of fun, hot girls, and magic powers? Who wouldn’t be excited?” 

“I suppose.” She conjured a clipboard out of thin air. “Well, we can plan your adventure now.” 

“Mhm.” I nodded eagerly. “Do you guys offer harem isekai?”

“Of course! Now, just give me your age and I’ll verify if you can.” 

What? 

“Eighteen.” I lied.      

“Oh, that’s excellent! Here, let me give you the role on your-” Her smile faded. 

“Ok ok fine. One day from eighteen. Come on!” 

This was the first time I saw her frown. “Now, now, Mister Frost.” She chided, sounding like my mother all of a sudden. “You can’t lie while you’re in heaven!” 

I hung my head sheepishly. “Ok, come on. I’m excited! Just one day.” I did my best impression of puppy dog eyes. “Please?” 

She shook her head vigorously. “Such content is not appropriate for minors!” 

“I’m dead already!” I protested. “What more could I even do to myself?” 

Her lips formed a line, and she stomped her foot down. From anyone else, it might’ve looked stern. For her, it just looked cute. “This is a policy decision made by the big guy upstairs, and it is final. Do you understand?” 

Argh! Even in heaven, there were age restrictions! 

“Fine. Fine. What about a drink then? My mom’s half is german.” 

“Absolutely not! You died in the territory of the United States.” 

Ok fine, she had me there. 

“Not for all the good things I did in my life?” I tried. “Come on, I got into heaven, for heaven’s sake!” 

“We didn’t even evaluate you. The big guy upstairs said we won’t send minors to hell. Policy decision.” 

Oh. Thank god for that. 

“So…” Her tone softened slightly. “We’re willing to offer a bunch of other things, however. Isekai with traditional care package. Isekai as the villain. Isekai as an inanimate object-” 

I wrinkled my lip. “Fuck that. I’m not gonna be a NEET two lives in a row! I know I’m rather pathetic, but I have some dignity, you know?” 

She ignored me. “Well?” She prompted. 

“Ok, fine.” I relented. “What about some tech uplift then? I always loved Release that Witch. Or Connecticut Yankee. Any chance I can do that anywhere? Mind finding a fun fantasy setting for me?”

Her smile broadened. “Of course! Now, there’s a ton to choose from. Arda from Lord of the Rings, maybe? Or Randland from wheel of time? Oooh, I know. History also works. Imperial Rome, Song era China. So many options. What are your preferences?”  

“Um.” I groped for words. “What about a more… original setting?” 

She shook her head dejectedly. “I’m afraid not, Mister. Our worldbuilding and character writers have gone on strike to protest the big guy’s update. They don’t like the idea of AI, you see.” 

“Traditional authors?” 

She sighed. “They aren’t here. None of them.” 

“What? What did they do?” 

Her expression turned solemn. “They sold their souls to the publishing industry.” 

There was a pregnant pause. “No comment.” I said. Then I sighed. 

“Is there really no fun in heaven? You know what… fine. I’ll take any random setting you find.” 

“Of course. We’ll randomly generate one based off your danger level.” 

“Danger level?” 

“Oh, right! We have a system, you see. Moderates the challenge. The harder the setting, the more powers you get, and vice versa. It won’t be enough to stop you, obviously, but we need to maintain some challenge, you see. Otherwise it gets boring.” 

Or the illusion of it, at any rate. 

“Right, fair enough.” I thought about it for a moment. “How about Iron Man from the comics and an immortality perk? Not too high.”

She nodded. “Of course. That would be danger level 10. Careful though, there isn’t always insurance options for, well… whatever might happen. Settings you may find yourself in include: hell, warhammer 40k, the lovecraft earth…” 

“Nevermind.” I said quickly. “I’ll work with Rome or something.” 

 Her nod was no less enthused. “Of course! So, what powers would you like? You could have superhuman strength, durability, a combat system as an adventurer with levels attached-”

“Tech uplift.” I said. 

She looked at me with some concern. “That would be… quite the difficult choice, actually. It’s quite weak in the beginning due to power scaling reasons and snowballing. We don’t recommend it for a beginner. Maybe another time?”

“Tech uplift.” I repeated. “Look, I’m not asking for much, okay? Something, anything that gets modern tech into the setting. I won’t settle for anything else.” 

She sucked in a breath. “There are options, of course. Blueprints, pieces of equipment, AI that slowly evolves. But they are weak, especially at the beginning. Mister, we highly, highly recommend that you don’t do this.”  

My fists clenched, and I summoned up all the anger, frustration, and humiliation I’d saddled my entire life. “You… what’s your name, by the way?”

“Lydia.” 

“Right… Lydia. You have any idea what I had to go through? All the stuff I’ve had to face? Any idea how bad stuff can get sometimes?” 

She gave a sympathetic nod. “Yes, of course, Mister. I’ve spoken to countless people. I took a shift during the forties.” The shiver I saw didn’t seem to have anything to do with the cold. “I’ve heard things.” She said softly. 

My mouth went dry. “Well…” Fuck. “Well fine, it wasn’t that bad, but it was bad, got it? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been laughed at, called names, told I was useless.” 

My fists clenched tighter. “At school. With friends. At home… I…” My chest deflated all of a sudden. “Please Lydia. Those webnovels, they were fun. But more than fun, they were all I had. Just let me live them, for once. I’ll work hard, I’ll take care of myself. For once in my life. I promise.” 

And there, the promise I’ve never been able to keep. 

Lydia sighed. “Well, I don’t suppose I can stop you. But I will ask again, are you sure?” 

And here, I made the worst decision of what was about to become a very unpleasant afterlife. “You bet! Give me that AI thingy. I’ll be off to kick some ass!”