It was that fateful day in Rome that I learned the most terrifying sentence a man could utter. A dark phrase, filled with venom and the promise of death. The filthiest, darkest application of black magic. A sentence built off the blood and suffering of millions.

“I’m a physician of Rome, and I’m here to help.” The man smiled. “Do not worry, good soldier, you are in good hands.”

It was then that I realized: I’d fucked up.

“Wait… wait…” I sputtered. “Where you… medical school?”

The doctor looked puzzled. “Medical school? What is this thing you speak of?”

Oh no… no… no…

“How you… study… medicine.” I tried again.

He beamed. “I am a patron of the Temple Augustus, soldier. The finest source of doctors in all Rome!”

I blinked. “Do they sell… healing crystal?”

“Of course! The gods bless all our products. After our priestesses pray for our gems they are given to the poor.”

Oh great. So it was a quack. Well… at least it was free. Though, I suspect the difference wasn’t so large since treatment here was so bad. Me personally, I’d prefer the system back home, though then maybe that was just the devil you knew.

God damn it! Lydia! I’m submitting a request to make health insurance part of the user’s package!

But in the meantime…

Ancient Roman medicine was influenced by various sources, including Greek medical traditions. Here are some aspects of how the ancient Romans practiced medicine:

Temple Medicine: In ancient Rome, healing was often associated with religious practices. Temples dedicated to the varying gods were places where individuals sought cures for their ailments.

Herbal Remedies: The Romans made extensive use of herbal medicine.. Many of these herbal remedies were based on traditional knowledge passed down through generations.

Diet and Lifestyle: Dietary habits, exercise, and a balanced lifestyle were emphasized as ways to maintain good health.

I scratched my head. So… my mom practiced roman medicine? I doubt her healing crystals came from a temple in Italy, but everything else seemed to match. The herbs, the diets… Well, except her olive oil. I doubt even the Romans thought that was a good idea.

But I digress. The ‘doctor’ examined the sword in my back, his expression grave. “Such devastating consequences… this must be the outcome of a curse.”

“Curse?” I sputtered.

“Yes. A demigod such as yourself should be impervious to mortal wounds. And yet this sword has lodged it’s way into your back. This must be the foul act of an angry god!”

Well, I couldn’t quite argue with the last bit. But still. My eyes turned to the girl, and then Gaius, begging for support. They seemed to… earnestly agree??

“A most thoughtful discovery, master!” Tana supplied.

Gaius nodded in self satisfaction. “As he said. You’re in good hands, brother.”

I gaped at both. The ‘doctor’ continued. “Have you taken note of any gods you displeased lately? Perhaps some unintentional act of sacrilege could have caused your ailment.”

Well, to me it was quite obvious what caused my ailment. A god damned sword stuck in my back, but I wasn’t the doctor here.

“I don’t know!” I said, exasperated.

The ‘doctor’ nodded solemnly. “Of course, we may not always be aware of the affronts we cause the gods. But think. Have you by late desecrated holy places? Slept with vestal virgins? Slew holy animals?”

“Since I’ve been here I’ve only gone to the colosseum. And killed lions.”

“Lions.” The doctor's brow furrowed. “Lions… the face of Juno. The mother of Heracles. Yes… perhaps. If you are a demigod, and such a powerful one! Perhaps a legacy of Jupiters… yes, yes. She will dislike you, and view you killing lions as an insult. Most likely due to her jealousy she will be inclined to place a curse upon you.”

I stared. The actual f*ck? My medical diagnosis that I’m some old guy’s bastard and my stepmom used voodoo magic on me?

Both Gaius and Tana now seemed deep in thought. “That might be the case.” Gaius said, finally speaking up. “But how shall he appease her?”

The quack’s eyes lit up. “Fear not, it shall not be difficult. Juno, as the goddess of marriage and protection, respects the commitments of the faithful. She will not oppose a man of sound character.”

Oh, that would explain why she’s been targeting me. Maybe he was less of a quack than I thought.

“--Thus, to win her favor. I propose that you get married!”

I just stared at him. “What?”

If he heard the doubt in my voice, he gave me no indication. “I know the perfect match for you, hero. My daughter is available, even if a few years past marriageable age. If you could agree, we may break your curse with a happy occasion!”

“Hold on a second-”

A chill ran down my spine. This man was old, very old. When he said his daughter was a few years past marriageable age. Wouldn’t that mean… I shuddered.

Thankfully, I had people on my side this time. “Master-” Tana spoke up, albeit politely. “I am afraid the mistress might be too old for-

Marius wasn’t slow to follow her. “With all due respect, senator, all of polite society has declined a match with your daughter. Please, I understand your frustrations, but…”

“He’s a senator?” I blurted.

“Yes?” Tana looked at me with curious eyes. “Oh? You didnt’ know? This is Master Kolax Flavius Asinus, senator of Rome. He owns the estates of Flavius.”

Flavius… that sounded familiar.

“Wait.” I blinked, my two remaining brain cells connecting in a giant miracle. “He… that guy’s dad?” What was he called again?

“Ah, you’ve met Lucius? A pleasant surprise.”

I searched my memories. The guy seemed smart, and important. The hell? I stared. Did the apple fall miles from the tree in this case?

But more importantly… “Why you… practice medicine?”

Last I checked, American senators were rich lawyers, not doctors. And Roman senators were just rich.

“Medicine is a good profession. The tax exemptions pay well.”

I rubbed my head. “Doctors are tax exempt?” That sounded… quite nice.

“Yes.” The senator said, looking quite pleased with himself. “I discussed the matter with emperor Augustus himself. Men of medicine should not have to pay tax, I said, they pay the citizens enough with their quality treatment. The emperor agreed, and I took up medicine.”

Oh, less nice.

“You became doctor… to dodge taxes?”

The senator shook his head vigorously. “No, no.” Kolax said. “I provide great service to the public. Only half the patients who enter my care die.”

I almost choked. I hope I won't be part of that number.

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“The service is good.” He reassured me. “The saved money is only a bonus. I have great wealth of my own.”

Well, I could believe that at least.

“How much is that?”

The senator scratched his head. “Eh, eh? How much do you two make in a year?”

Tana blinked. “Nothing, Master. Both me and my father are slaves, remember?”

Clearly the senator didn’t remember, and I didn’t either. I was gaping. Hold on… wait a minute. I knew this was ancient Rome, but…

Gaius broke my train of thought by speaking. He was frowning. “Officially? Only ten.”

“Yes! And officially I have a salary of nothing!” The senator said proudly.

Oh, now this was unfamiliar! Politicians not getting paid?

“All my wealth comes from my estates. At least…” He counted on his fingers, went to ten, and then gave up. “At least a million times what you make a year.” He said to Gaius.

Oh, nevermind. More familiar than expected.

“You know…” I began saying. “I think shower, bed. Make me feel… better.” My vision was growing fuzzy now.

Kolax nodded, as if I’d said something profound. “Yes, yes. A shower is very good for your health. Very Roman! Mayhaps it shall ease your curse. Tana, you show him the bathhouse.”

He turned away, but then froze, as if he forgot something. “And do not forget!” He added hurriedly. “You will see my daughter for a chance at marriage!”

Like hell I was gonna agree to that. I checked my HP.

HP: 31/100

Huh, so it did go up. Natural regeneration maybe? My eyes begun exploring the nearby area. Looking for something, anything… Then they came to rest on a set of old bandages in the senator’s torture kit.

Aha!

“I think I’ll be fine.” I said, grabbing at the pommel of the sword from the back. Hurriedly, I yanked it out. There was a splat, a creak, and some hints of blood, but overall much better than I expected.

All eyes turned to me. I saw shocked faces, open mouths.

HP: 17/100 (+3 bleed, lose 3 HP per cycle until staunched)

“Oh, oh no!” Kolax held his face in his hands. “You are bleeding, let me find you some leeches!”

I tried my best to pretend I couldn’t hear him. “Tana, please! The bathhouses!” I pleaded.

Thankfully, she hadn’t heard. “This way.” She called. Snatching the bandages, I followed Tana.

Then I put them over my bleeding wounds and ran for my life.

***

It wasn’t long before we arrived at the bathhouse. All told, it wasn’t a bad place. Although…

“Right place? You sure.” I asked, glancing at the room.

“Of course. Why wouldn’t it be.”

“Well… looks like… pool.”

She blinked at me. “Is there a difference?”

In hindsight, she kind’ve had a point. Roman bathhouses were well… bathhouses. It wasn’t like they could do the fancy stuff with sprinklers like we do. So really, it was just bathing. And at that point, why not just have a giant swimming pool of hot water instead of a tub? Nobody was charging them for water use, after all. Or so I think.

“I guess not.”

And besides, the place looked pretty nice. Mosaics and carvings adorned the cool stone walls, each painted with bright and shiny colors. Tall heroes, pretty nymphs, towering gods and happy Romans all looked at us as we walked past, each likely the product of a few months or even years worth of work. All told, they were quite beautiful.

Beautiful… my eyes turned to Tana. I felt something cold in my stomach.

Who built these things? I know, I slept through ninety percent of my history classes, but the whole slavery thing was kinda hard to miss. Not that I knew much about it, but if half of what I learned was true…

So I thought I had to ask. “Hey, um…” I hesitated, and typed out the full sentence. “What’s it like, being a slave?”

Tana froze. Not the question she was expecting, probably. She frowned, her hands now still at the sides of her dress.

“Why do you ask?”

Why did I? Was it curiosity? Guilt? An attempt at empathy? Truth to be told, I wasn’t sure. But I wasn’t sure if I don’t know was a good answer.

“I just… want to know.”

She was quiet for a few moments, dipping her toes in the water and allowing her eyes to trace her reflection. “It’s been a different life.” She began, her hands fidgeting as she spoke.

“It was so many years ago then. Papa was sailing for Egypt, searching for herbs that might cure my mother’s illness. Times were different. We were poor, maybe, always relying on the charity of our less well off patients. But there was food, we were free… and there was mama.” She turned her face away.

Her hands shook. “I remember that morning. A sky clear as a dream. Bread and fruits, tipped with honey a farmer had left us after we fixed his leg. It was older bread, and cheap fruits, but it was a meal. A life. Then the pirates came.”

I stared, too horrified to speak.

Tears were rolling down her face now. “I never saw her again. The things I heard they did. To her, to the other women.” She swallowed. “I was lucky. My father snuck me with him by swearing I was a boy.”

The tears joined the pool, drop after drop into the murky waters. “My father comforts me sometimes. Things could be worse. We’re still fed. I can enjoy my time in the gardens, the baths. But I… I…” Her lip trembled. “I’ve only ever wanted to see Mama again.”

I felt bile rising in my throat. My hands balled into fists. I’d been angry before, but this… this was different. Like a blazing fire, roaring, all consuming. This was wrong. And in that moment, I didn’t care about anything else.

I put my hand on her shoulder. “You will. I’ll make sure of it.” I felt my eyes burning with rage. I never felt more determined than in that moment, more powerful. “I’ll change things. I’ll end slavery. I’ll set things right.”

Like a good tech uplift protagonist should. This was why I came here after all, wasn’t it? To do something good? To set things right?

Tana looked up at me again, her eyes still glistened with fresh tears. “Really?”

“Yes. I promise.”

Three words. Nothing but promises. Yet, even now, despite what happened… I think I can say I was proud of it.

She smiled then, pure and beautiful. “Did anyone tell you before that you were a hero?”

A hero? I’d never thought of myself as one, as much as I wished I could’ve. But now… I think I could start to believe it.

She giggled. “Hey, uhm… can I ask you a question?”

Like there was another answer to that.

“Of course.”

Her smile changed, she began smiling that nasty girl smile again. “So, when would our hero like to bathe?”

“Right.” I said, half sheepish. I’d almost forgotten what I came for! Speeches were nice, but man a hot shower couldn’t hurt. “So, uhm…” My eyes darted to the right and left of the pool. “Where will you be going?”

She looked at me quizzically.

“I mean, don’t men and women usually bathe in different places?”

“They do? Is that how they do things in Olympus?” She was still wearing the same smile, and this time she was pulling at her clothes.

“Wait-” I protested, my cheeks suddenly growing cherry red. I looked away.

“What’s wrong?” I heard her clothes fall in a clump by her feet, and then a splash as she dived into the pool. “Come on, my hero. The water is nice and warm.”

Now, now, I know what you’re thinking. You want a look at her. I did too! But there’s no way in hell I could let her see me crimson red like that! And besides… it was too early for my first time! I’m shy, okay!

“Herooo… it’s rude to keep a girl waiting, you know.”

No. No. No. F*ck. Nooooo!

I blushed even redder. I swear, she knew exactly what she was doing!

Her tone turned curious. “Surely… even the gods don’t bathe with their clothes on.”

Well, not exactly. Mom did enjoy her bathing robes, even while bathing, the weirdo. But still…

“I.. I…” I stammered. For once, I was thankful for the language barrier, and mumbled something unintelligible.

There was a pregnant pause. “Surely… you’re not scared of the water, aren’t you?”

Oh come on! Putting me between a rock and a hard place! Wait, no, poor analogy…

My hand was moving self consciously towards my trousers.

“Did Neptune curse you? Or… do you not know how to swim?”

“I need to use the restroom!” I blurted out.

“Oh. You do?” She sounded more suspicious than disappointed

.

She was smiling though, I knew. Still that nasty girl smile. “Go straight forwards, then to the left. You’ll find the latrines down the hall.” There was an inviting splash behind me. “Do come back though. I’ll be waiting.”

“Alright.” I said. Then I fled as fast as my legs could carry me.

My stride was awkward, given the tent in my trousers, but I still managed a dignified retreat from this losing battle. I never thought I’d be so eager to visit a toilet, but here I was. Soon, I found the door, sprinted inside, and closed it. Then I breathed a sigh of relief.

Massive mistake. The smell hit me all at once. Putrid, rotten, slimy. I gagged. The hell? Even the school bathrooms weren’t this bad!

The ‘latrines’ were a small room, barely larger than some closets. Like the bathrooms in shady restaurants with one toilet that only sometimes worked. Except here instead of one toilet there was a good dozen, and about half of them were occupied.

The first occupant made my heart beat faster, and filled my mind with dread. He spoke first.

“Look! My patient!”

I gulped. How did the senator get here? It’s been… it couldn’t have been that long.

The second made me blink, recognition coming slow. It was a small figure, almost a kid, with shaky knees and an uncomfortable expression. Was it… Scipio? The kid? What was he doing here?

But it was the third occupant that really caught my attention.

With his sprawling, trunklike limbs, he covered an enormous four toilet seats between his two massively oversized legs, the space between his undergarments now stretched to untenable lengths as the fabric frayed under the pressure. There was no mistaking it. You couldn’t find a heavier man in a Rome.

“Emperor Vitellius?” I gasped.