So, good news and bad news. The good news was that I was somehow perfectly fine. The bad news was also, of course, that I was perfectly fine.

Do you have any idea how much effort I put into those last words? How serious I was? Hell, I even got the girl to cry! Well, she was already crying, but that's besides the point. This was supposed to be emotionally impactful!

And now here I am, clinging on with 1 HP. But otherwise perfectly fine.

F*ck.

Well, well, what to do? I could stumble, pretend to be weak, sick, unhealthy. But then… that wasn’t too impressive, was it? Come on now! I wanted to impress a girl, I needed to be a badass.

But… at the same time… I couldn’t exactly jump to my feet and say I was fine either, could I? God damn me and my fine lines! If I shrugged it off now I would look like an idiot! Well, maybe I was one, but that’s hardly the point.

So that left me in a bit of a spot. How to look cool without seeming like an idiot? Thankfully, god seemed to be happy with me that day.

“Check his wounds.” I heard Lucius’ voice. “Send for a healer.”

“Sir?” The girl’s voice, hesitant. “My father is a physician. He lives not too far from here.”

“Take him, then. Once he wakes, send for me.”

“If he wakes, sir?” Gaius asked.

“He will.”

The certainty left me a little baffled. How was he so sure? I wasn’t too sure myself.

Gaius hurried towards me, and I heard the girl yelp. “Watch it! That’s a sword in his stomach! Don’t carry him like that, it might slide out, make the bleeding worse!”

“Ok, ok.” He walked back, and I could almost picture him with his hands in the air, even though my eyes were closed. “What do you want me to do?”

“Stay damned put and don’t cause trouble.” She chastised, like a mother speaking to her child. Then she grabbed my arm. I stumbled a bit as she heaved me over her shoulder, grunting all the while.

Damn was she strong. Much more than she looked. I flailed a bit. “Wait!” I protested. Too loudly.

She damned near dropped me. I paused in the air, eyes wide, as the pavement drew closer.

Oh no.

Fall damage, even the tiniest bit… My blood went cold at the thought. But how to avoid it? The sword was lodged into my back. The pain stung, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as it should’ve been. Game logic at work, I guessed. I was like a CS:GO avatar. Sure, I might take damage, grunt, or bleed a bit. But a bullet didn’t hurt like hell and put me on the ground like it should’ve.

So neither did a sword in the stomach. But one slip into the wrong pavement and I suddenly dropped dead from fall damage. Figures.

I would’ve started sweating if my body wasn’t paused. My eyes scanned the ground below desperately.

Come on. Come on!

There had to be something! Anything!

But there wasn’t. Well… looks like I’ll have to rely on my hands to break the fall. I gulped. As I unpaused, the wind left my lungs, and the pavement approached, faster and faster, until…

There was a jolt, and I stumbled back to my feet. “Roland? You’re awake?” Gaius stared.

Thank god. If there wasn’t a pretty girl next to me, I’d have kissed him instead.

“I…” I made a show of stumbling to my feet. “Ugh.” I winced. God damn it, the sword still hurt! “Don’t feel… good.”

“You got ran through Mars knows how many times! Of course you don’t feel good. Gods… what were you thinking back there?”

This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

I was acutely aware of the pretty redhead still waiting behind me. “Well… was…. Right thing.” I said, my speech slurred and awkward. “Anyone. Could. Did.” As I looked at the girl, my face turned red, and I felt my word salad get even worse.

Behind me, the redhead’s lips pressed together with some concern. “Quick.” She hissed. “Incoherent speech, he’s losing a lot of blood.”

Well… damn. At least it didn’t reflect poorly on me.

Gaius grabbed one head. “Steady?”

I was. But there was another hand, and I saw a pretty girl that could be taking it, so…

“Well.” I made a stumbling motion.

Gaius turned to her. “He needs another!”

“Got it.” The girl approached, and my smile widened. Then she drew Gaius’ sword.

“Hey, what are you doing!”

“Here.” She said, giving me the pommel. She smiled. “Like a true warrior.”

“I…” Oh.

Damn it!

I accepted it glumly. Then, with a sword supporting one arm and Gaius supporting another, we made our way to the redhead’s house.

We passed by the many forum villas, each a sight to see. Tall, ornate buildings were clustered next to each other in the forum streets, the outer walls each built of sturdy red brick. I saw carvings on some of their walls. More simplistic at first, but then gradually, more complex, ornate, rich.

The roads and houses gradually improved as we walked on, each new home more grand than the last. Small mansions became massive, sprawling estates, with a whole courtyard and outer garden to match. The buildings rose, first only one story, then two, then three.

As we walked on, I saw ever more impressive works of construction. Fountains, statues, towering painted gates. There was no mistaking it, this was a rich neighborhood.

I eyed the girl’s backside as he walked. So… pretty, nice, and rich? And I saved her? God damn… I really hit the jackpot, didn’t I? I licked my lips. Was that just about to become the best decision of my life?

My eyes widened once I saw the insides. Large, painted gates swung open, and I was ushered in, wide eyed. Servants were tending to a vast patch of greenery, shrubs and carefully manicured flowers resting contendly on a massive lawn. Tall trees kept watch from overhead, blossoming with the first fruit of spring. Some leaves fluttered down as I walked in, glowing under the dappled smile of sunlight.

It was perfect, like a fantasy scene out of a dream, save for a single shack near the back. The outhouse, I would guess. As I stumbled towards the entrance, the guards approached, spear and shields in hand. “Halt!” He called. “State your business here.”

The redhead drew up her skirts in a curtsey. “A guest of mine, Sir.” She said. “Father will tend to his wounds.”

He didn’t look at her much. There was no deference in his voice, respect in his gaze. When he looked at her, it was hungrily, as if she were some pretty flower he’d like to pick. The thought riled me.

I was supposed to be the one looking at her like that, damn it!

He waved it off. “Make it quick.” He said, bored. And then I found myself dragged towards the outhouse. I blinked, confused.

“Wait. Isn’t healer. Inside?”

The redhead smiled apologetically. “Father’s usually… occupied.”

I heard the howling from the distance. Pained howling. As I approached, I wrinkled my nose. The putrid smell hit me. Vomit, blood, grime, dirt, worse… all gathered in one place. Like a festering cesspit from hell, dropped right in the middle of the pristine garden.

She disappeared into the outhouse with a hurry, and I heard snippets of some conversation as I drew closer.

“...injured? My my, bring him in, I must see him! What is it? A cut? A stab mark? An open wound? I can…”

“Well…”

I found myself staring as an old man stepped out of the house. His skin was dark, and he had an african complexion. He didn’t look like anyone’s father, much less the redhead’s. Grandfather maybe? No… the skin tone didn’t fit.

His whitened brows furrowed at me as I approached. “My dear?” He squinted. “You see what I see? What that be?”

“Yes… father, that is a sword.”

“A sword?” His eyes nearly bugged out of his skull. “How is he alive, much less standing?”

“Good question.” Gaius said helplessly. “We want to know also.”

***

“You say you fight three men, with hands?”

The doctor found a room for me, away from the screaming. There, he well… I want to say take care of me, but interrogated would be a better word. In any other circumstance, I would’ve sounded cool. But here, with the doctor’s grandfatherly eyes focused on me, I felt sheepish.

“Yes?”

He wagged his finger. “No no no. No more sword luncheon. Very bad for your health. Have bread instead. Healthier.”

He slid a plate over. I took a bite, and hit my recoil at the taste. It had already gone stale for some time. But I wasn’t gonna complain. Anything to get up from 1 HP.

I tore into the bread like a hungry lion.

“Slower!” He admonished. “Too fast. Bad for stomach.” He poked me in the belly, just above the swordpoint. Not close enough to hurt, but I winced anyway.

Not that I cared, the bread was putting in work now.

5/110

8/110

Soon, the entire loaf disappeared. I finished before looking up. “Sorry.” I said apologetically. “I was a bit too hungry.”

He wagged his finger again. “Bad, bad. No more bread for you.”

“Wait, but, I’m still hungry!”

“You will wait turn, another day.”

I stared pleadingly at Gaius. He shrugged. “I’m not the physician.” He said.

I grimaced. “But…”

I looked at my HP, still 8/100. Could I pull the sword out? I might, but possibly dying didn’t sound particularly pleasant. And so I was stuck in a physician’s room, with a hunk of metal lodged in my back.

0/5 stars, would not do again.

“When sword… out?” I asked.

His hands went to his chin. “Hm… iron in flesh, not much pain, interesting.”

“A little!” I protested. It wasn’t debilitating, but it was hardly comfortable either! Imagine a giant metal pipe. Like, maybe the size of a water bottle. Add a fifty pound weight on one end, stick it into your shoulder, with some salt and pepper sprinkled on for good measure. That was me right now.

It damn hurts!

He stroked his chin. “Very interesting. I will have to see the master.”

I stared. Was this the thing where your doctor told you to see the specialist? Oh no… please no. I’d heard the horror stories. By the time the specialist got around to seeing me I’d have recovered on my own or died already.

Well, perks of the system, I wasn’t dead yet, but that didn’t stop me from dying anytime soon due to some random accident.

“Take some herbs. Poppy juice. Good for pain.” He slid a bowl over.

I took a drink. It was pleasant enough. The pain was still there though.

10/110

“My, my.” He gave me an apologetic smile. “I must be go places.” He made a motion to turn, and stopped. I got a good look at him. An old, calloused face, smiling brightly at his daughter. The light flooding back into his tired eyes. The joy, the pure, unadulterated joy.

He bowed suddenly. “Thank you, sir. For saving my daughter.”

For a moment, I stared, unsure how to respond.

“Of course.” I found myself saying.