I pushed the time frame it should have taken me to recover so that I would be less predictable to the people who thought they had a right to talk to me. Being able to walk again without needing help also came with the benefit that Rawley could teach me more interesting lessons outside the meeting hall. My shoulder and my back wound still needed more time to heal however, so I got to stay with Rawley in the lone huntress quarters.
In the end, I was up and walking around for decent amounts of time a few days before Rawley decided to take me out on a hunting trip. She was ready to take a break from all the people staring at us too. With no Pack hunts planned during those days and lone huntresses having the ability to make their own schedule, Keili, Veris, Crest, and Nole joined us too. Nole even managed to convince Lendra to let Fellen join in by omitting my presence and highlighting the value of the experience.
We didn’t go far. Outside the valley, the cold season was a much harsher thing to experience. So we took shelter in the forest that swept down off the mountains and blanketed their foothills. Rawley led us to a thicket about a half mile from the Folds. Inside the thick stand of trees was a small clearing, big enough for the huntress’s tents and a campfire and little else.
Veris grinned at Rawley after she slipped in under the trees’ branches. “You always know the best hidden spots.”
My mentor gave her an easy smile in return. “It comes with paying attention.”
Veris laughed and shrugged. “That’s what you and Keili are good for. I would much rather be thinking about something more exciting than counting every pine needle and snowflake I pass.”
“Planning your next design?”
They continued the conversation as we began to stomp down the snow in the clearing. I learned that Veris enjoyed the tedious work of creating detailed bone hairpins and ear cuffs. Her current piece was an antler shaped hairpin. For a moment I considered asking if I could trade her for one but then I pushed the thought away. I didn’t have anything worth trading and I didn’t need one just because Fellen had looked pretty in hers.
Once the snow was packed down, we set up the tents and then pressed snow around the bottom edges to help keep them in place and insulate them. It had already been decided that Fellen and I would get to share my mentor’s tent. Rawley would be sleeping with Crest and Nole would appreciate having some extra room in her tent.
It was interesting watching Rawley as we settled into the clearing. While she still held herself a little bit distant and tended to ask more questions than she answered, she seemed to relax. Both her and Crest were more openly affectionate now they were surrounded by trusted friends and no longer in the public eye. Even female pairings weren’t exempt from the stigma of showing too much affection in public.
We didn’t hunt that day. By the time we reached the clearing and got everything set up, we only had a couple hours until sunset. Instead, Fellen and I were tasked with cooking a vegetable dinner and heating up the stones that would keep the tents warm at night while they collected more sticks and fallen branches for future fires.
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Fellen and I made a game out of cooking by competing to see whose food was throughly cooked and the least burned. Fellen was better at it than me. I had a tendency to leave the roots I was cooking over the fire too long, just to make sure they were done. They all got cooked enough, but most of them also got a little singed. I let Fellen gloat over her victory for a bit before casually asking if she could find the roots on her own. She rolled her eyes and told me that I didn’t get to count victories for challenges we hadn’t actually done.
When the huntresses all returned they made a pile of kindling before settling around the fire to eat their meal. I froze a little when Crest sat by my right side instead of making her way to sit on Rawley’s other side. I also noticed that she purposefully took one of the meals I made.
After taking a bite she gave me an awkward half smile. “Interesting flavor.”
It was the wrong thing to say. I might be able to let Fellen have her fun, but someone I barely knew? She might be my mentor’s lover, but that didn’t mean she could say whatever she wanted. And even if she had meant it as a kindness, I didn’t know how to respond to that. And I didn’t like that uncertainty, so I leaned hard into the flicker of anger that rose at her words.
“You don’t need to coddle me. Eat some of Fellen’s if you don’t want the burned taste.”
Everyone else but Rawley had.
Rawley’s quiet voice cut through the shocked silence. “Gimley.”
Father’s voice echoed her in my head, Gimlea…
The next moment stretched and stretched and stretched as that was all it took to shift my perception of the evening. What had simply been a comforting time away from prying eyes became—in my mind’s eye—the enticing bait dangling in one of Rawley’s traps. A trap I could feel closing in around me.
This could all be false comfort, just as he had been. Worthless and only causing pain in the end. I hated how easily I had been drawn in again even though I knew the dangers of getting close to other people. I wanted to fully trust Rawley and Fellen, but I could always feel the potential damage building and lurking behind every interaction. My hands were full keeping track of that tally. And now another person possibly wanted in?
I would drown.
Like a fish that swam into a trap all on its own and then found that the entrance to get back out was smaller than when it went in. That fish got dragged out of the lake and suffocated. Dying in a place it didn’t belong.
Protection was more important than comfort. I might not be able to distance myself from Rawley and Fellen without being hurt, but I could at least stop that from happening again.
I kept my gaze on Crest and poured as much loathing as I could into it, as if I was glaring at her. “Or get touched by a shamble man. I could care less either way.”
A part of me immediately regretted the words, but I didn’t take them back. Not even when I felt Rawley’s slow anger bubbling up on my other side and Fellen’s shock from across the fire. If I took them back there wouldn’t be anything protecting me anymore. I would be weak and vulnerable—a fool who patiently waited for someone to inevitably rip their heart to shreds and who had no way to stop the bleeding.
Strong fingers cupped the side of my face, firmly forcing me to twist around to face Rawley.
And my heart tore a bit anyway.
Anger I understood. That I could stand. But that mix of disappointment and empathy that also crowded the stern look Rawley was giving me? That was both too close to when I had been abandoned and too alien to what I knew.
“Go think on what you just did and why you did it.”
I knew better than to argue, and I had no desire to be around that trap of campfire any longer.
I went.