Somehow the first watch ended up being me, Prevna, and Kuma. By rights, we didn’t need all three of us to stare at a throne, but I had watched Prevna slip up next to Nine Claws before the watch was announced, so I didn’t make my point about overusing our resources.
Despite us being first watch, Nine Claws was the one who stayed behind in what was really an ages old, open air audience chamber while we were sent back to gather our things and return. Malady wasn’t pleased with leaving her on her own but she didn’t question Nine Claws in front of the rest of us. The men also didn’t like leaving a whisper woman to her own devices in a place they had neglected to inform us of at the start, so Deamar got stuck with keeping her company. I doubted he could do anything to stop her if she decided to do something he didn’t like, but the token compromise worked out well for everyone but him.
Nine Claws got to bypass another contest of wills with the villagers about who held real power in the valley while still being basically free to do as she liked in the basin, Malady could console herself that Nine Claws had someone she could order around if needed, Logar and Morn could go back to their village and tell them that their heir was being useful and keeping an eye on the whisper women, and the rest of us didn’t have to deal Deamar’s whining and moping for awhile.
By the time we gathered our things back in the village, Tike and his crocodile got roped into “helping out” with the throne situation since he had already dealt with us for the past week. So while he wasn’t technically part of our watch—even if no one said it outright we all knew he was supposed to be keeping an eye on us—he did end up adding another pair of unnecessary eyes watching the throne during our first watch.
I wasn’t sure what I expected when we arrived back at the audience chamber, but it definitely wasn’t finding Nine Claws and Deamar having an intense, but civil, debate about the goddess’s tenets versus living with a mind invading lizard as a master. From the tail end bit that I heard, Nine Claws had Deamar beat with lived experience and the ability to recall a reference at a moment’s notice to bolster her argument, but Deamar wasn’t just trying to bluster his way through the conversation. He listened to her points and had his own counter arguments, though he clearly wasn’t happy with being on the losing side of the debate.
Nine Claws had some parting words for Prevna and Kuma but all I got was a significant look that I wasn’t sure that was supposed to be about the throne, the things she told me to consider the night before, or the way Prevna had definitely finagled things so we ended up on this watch together.
Either way, Deamar and her left not long after we arrived, so we had most of a day and night to fill before the second shift was supposed start tomorrow morning. Being tied to one place when I had a deadline grated on me, but there was little I could about that unless I abandoned our post for a fruitless search. After all, I was sure I knew where I needed to return to in order to officially meet the Lady of Calm Waters’ mysterious friend and this basin full of fire dancers and a throne likely was the answer to Rawley’s relic hunt.
Kuma pulled Tike into helping her get a little camp set up near the entrance to the basin with the tents and other supplies we had taken from the village. Prevna and I were more than capable of helping, but instead we drifted to opposite sides of the audience chamber, putting off whatever conversation I was sure Prevna planning to have.
At one point we made a funnel of watchfulness. Tike, on the same orders Deamar had been, watched Kuma, Prevna, and me, while I caught Kuma keeping her eye both of us Sprouts, Prevna stared at me from across the basin, and I pretended all my attention was on a throne that hadn’t done anything interesting since Malady touched it.
I was tempted to touch it again, just to see if it still couldn’t grab ahold of my blessing, but the memory of its invasive grasping kept my hand at my side and my feet a healthy distance from the throne.
The day wore on as Kuma and Tike kept themselves busy, and I waited for Prevna to make her move. I didn’t doubt that she knew the wait was painful for me but I wasn’t sure it was born more out of her collecting her thoughts or as way for me to feel what she felt when I left her behind to do something dangerous. Likely it was a mixture of both.
Part of me still didn’t like how…attached I had become to Prevna. How I had come to expect her presence and found more comfort in it than stress as time passed. That still felt dangerous, like I was handing her all the tools to hurt me and it was a matter of time until she used them. But another part of me, one that had been growing, couldn’t believe that this was the time she’d stab me in the back. That she’d abandon me completely. That eventuality belonged to some far-flung future we hadn’t reached yet and maybe never would.
I ended up sitting on the stairs leading up to the throne, facing away from it and trusting I’d hear a thief if everyone else also happened to not be looking at the throne if an Envoy showed up. Instead I peered at the fire dancers and tried to decide if I recognized the dance they were stuck in. Anything at this point to keep the boredom at bay and to show Prevna I wasn’t hopeless at keeping promises.
She passed me on the stairs, eyes trained on the throne, and I had to close my eyes so my gaze wouldn’t follow after her like a lost puppy, no matter how tempting it was to use the throne as an excuse. I knew the weight a stare could have and she had asked for space.
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I was independent and strong. I had lasted my whole life with only having myself to rely on, so I could survive another minute, another hour, eternity without her knowing smile or the way she leaned against me without thinking. I didn’t need her endless teasing or her concern or the sensation of her hair running through my fingers.
I was fine.
Of course, I was. Without her pushing me to be social and all her other antics, I’d have so much time—
Prevna gasped.
I whipped around to find her sheepishly standing next to the throne, hand held out like she had just touched it for some idiotic reason, and our gazes met. I turned back around just as fast and glared at the melted stone beneath my feet. Cursing silently that she had caught me looking and that I couldn’t glare at her for doing something stupid without feeling like I was breaking a taboo.
I heard her walking toward me and, given how quiet I knew she could be when she wanted, I knew that was deliberate. I didn’t move. I’d never admit it, but part of me hoped that she might stop next to me, might say something, instead of passing me by. The stairs were even wide enough that she could lean against my back if she wanted.
Her steps got closer and closer, and I hated the way my mouth dried out in anticipation. I was fine.
Fine. And I didn’t need—
A rustle of clothing and a familiar pressure pressed against my back. Down to our breast bands in the valleys’ heat, we were also skin to skin and I couldn’t myself to begrudge her the added heat even a little bit. Something in me loosened and settled as soon as I felt her weight against my back, and I knew she felt it too in the way my shoulders dropped as she leaned against me.
I heard her smile in her voice, if a little strained, as she said, “You can sit on your own there and I’ll sit by myself right here.”
I pressed back slightly against her. “This is my spot.”
Prevna sighed and let her head fall back against mine. “Exactly.”
The words were nearly identical to the time she had followed me to the lake in Grislander’s Maw, but I didn’t doubt that the sentiment behind them had changed more than I was comfortable examining.
I felt Prevna lift her arm and I knew she was looking at her hand with an exasperated expression. She said, “I touched it.”
My thoughts on that crowded on the tip of my tongue but I knew accusing questions and harsh comments weren’t going to get me any closer to what I wanted, so I made an acknowledging noise and let her continue to steer the conversation.
“It couldn’t do anything, it just slipped around my marks, but the sucking sensation was awful.” Prevna let her hand drop. “Is that what it feels like for you? When your blessing keeps you from dying?”
I opened my mouth, closed it. It took me longer than it should have to answer her. “Kind of. It’s different every time, depending on the circumstances. But I’ll feel the goddess’s eye on me, only for Her gaze to shift and turn away right when I should have…died.”
“That’s horrible.”
I shrugged.
She tensed. “Why even put yourself through that? What if you get stuck in a state you can’t come back from? Why risk that?”
I wasn’t sure I could put it into words but I tried. For her. “It never mattered what state I was in. The tribe hated us for it, for the healing, but it was also true that if they needed help it didn’t matter if we didn’t feel well or if we were sleeping or anything else. They expected to be healed right then and there because they didn’t want to spend longer in our presence than they had to and they had deigned to acknowledge us.
“And it always made sense that if I could do something, for me to just do it. If I know I won’t die but someone else could, why wouldn’t I just take care of it and reduce the risk of things getting messed up?”
“You getting hurt messes things up to.”
“Not as much as someone dying.”
She made a noise of disagreement and muttered something else under her breath that I couldn’t quite catch. Then she spoke louder, “You’re impossible, you know that?” Prevna had tried for a teasing tone, but her words felt like a knife blade slipping under my ribs as she continued, “You’re always running off into danger and even when there shouldn’t be anything too threatening around you manage to trip onto a throne with a weird hunger that brought Malady, of all people, to her knees.”
Tension surged back through my shoulders and down my back. Impossible. That was a good description of me. My feet felt light with the sudden desire to dart away. If I was not here, Prevna wouldn’t be able to condemn me further, but I also didn’t want to run away.
“Then you should go have fun with Jika and Wren and everyone else you don’t have to worry about being impossible.”
“Storms! No!” Prevna twisted around and suddenly we were face to face. Somehow it felt like we were much closer than we had been before despite the fact that there was more air between us now. She muttered to herself again but I caught what she said this time. “Why is it coming out all wrong again?”
I drew in a deep breath and prompted, “From one horror to another…”
Her gaze didn’t let mine go. “From one horror to another, worrying about you is horrible. It feels like at any moment you’re going to be frozen again but this time I won’t be able to do anything. Not even something as small as banners to entice a sentient wind. From one horror to another, sometimes it feels like I’m going to break from seeing how valuable you are and trying to make you see it, only for you to act like you’re only a twig for the fire. Only valuable so long as you burn. From one horror to another, being left behind sucks and I want you trust me.”
“From one horror to another, I do trust you. More than anyone else.” The vulnerability tasted like ash on my tongue. But I had tried defensive manipulation in the past and I didn’t want to be the fool who lost twice because I couldn’t get past my instinctive response. “Which is why it’s easier for me to take the lead to make sure nothing happens to you. Or anyone else.”
“And it hurts me to see you hurt.” She pressed her forehead against mine. “I’m capable. I can take care of myself. Let me.”
“I…”
“If you get to throw yourself into danger because you can’t help yourself, I get to follow. If you get to try to protect me because you don’t want to see me hurt, I get to do the same. Trust me to take care of myself and I’ll trust you to do the same.”
“And if something happens?”
“Then that’s not on you or me. That’s life.”
I swallowed down all the denial bubbling in my chest, the knowledge that if something ever did happen to Prevna blame would be quick to follow, and I nodded. “I’ll try.”
She gave me her knowing smile. “Good.”