I laid out everything I could think of that I had been keeping to myself for Prevna to hear. From Esie’s request and my resulting actions to the sects I was considering. The only things I kept back were my removal of the healing plants in my memory tent, my visions from the Dark Sight boon, and any outright concerns about my patron. Criticizing or questioning the Lady of Calm Waters wouldn’t do me any good at the moment, especially not where others could hear, my visions just presented questions I couldn’t answer, and my memory tent had never been something I shared with others. It was wholly mine—and even if I could describe it to Prevna so that she would understand, that devastated field was too fresh a wound for me to prod deeply.

Besides Prevna already knew my past as a healer’s daughter. That was enough.

We ate while I talked, though more than once I saw Prevna forget about the food in her hand so she could stare at me instead. I tended to eat when I needed a break to think through what I wanted to say next. It was…difficult to share my thoughts, hint at my worries, instead of keeping them behind closed lips.

I wasn’t even angry and I still said everything I wanted to her.

Prevna lowered the berry she had been about to eat. “That’s all?”

I nodded.

She searched my gaze for a moment before nodding back. “Okay.” Prevna squared her shoulders. “I guess I need to beat Esie in a drinking game. The Lady of Calm Waters too, if I ever meet her.”

I glared at her. After my long winded speech, I wasn’t keen on dredging up more than I had to.

She grinned back before waving a dismissive hand. “Well, perhaps not a drinking game. But they both should know better than to push you like that.”

“I’m the best person to push.”

Prevna shoved her berry in my face. “No, you’re not. You can still be hurt and sometimes I swear you lack common sense even though you’re smart. They should get the information themselves if they want it so badly.”

“They are. Through me.”

We held each other’s stare, neither wanting to be the first to break. As the new round in an old argument neither of us wanted to lose. Prevna was insistent that I coddle myself and do anything I could to prevent injuries. Lately, it had even come to the odd comment about personal care, like she was concerned I’d forget to eat or sleep. Meanwhile, I knew that I sometimes pushed myself to extremes, but it was always for a purpose. I pushed harder because that’s what I had to do to get on even or better ground with everyone else. Holding myself back because I might get hurt didn’t seem like much of an option when the alternative was to constantly lose.

Since we said we would talk, I pushed again instead of leaving it at that. “They’ll use what they can. I will too.” I gestured to the Seedling Palace. “That’s how this works.”

Prevna turned her head away.

I waited for her to put together what she wanted to say as I watched her discard various choices. Finally, she looked back at me.

“You’re not disposable or some rat they can run tests on.”

“I know.” My answer didn’t fully convince her, so I gave her the answer she had given me when I tried to argue that she shouldn’t put herself in harm’s way in the past. “I’m capable. I can take care of myself. Let me.”

She recognized the answer immediately as she sat back and sighed. Prevna ate her berry, took a long sip of Mil’s nectar, before abruptly changing the conversation’s direction. “So, Hundred Eyes, Peacekeepers, or Scales?”

I nodded.

“Roving around together with Beastwatchers would’ve been fun, but their structure doesn’t really suit you.” She smiled. “I’d say Hundred Eyes or Scales.”

“Not Peacekeepers?”

“Too rigid, though the others might be too. Besides, you can fight, but I don’t think that’s all you want to do.”

I pictured being on the shore, day after day after day. Always fighting the fish and other sea monsters, always a defensive battle since we couldn’t take the fight to their homes in the sea. She was right. The thought had little appeal.

“And why the other two?” I asked.

She shrugged. “Much as I don’t like it, Hundred Eyes would likely give you the best opportunity to go on solo missions or with smaller groups. You might have to deal with Yule, but we’re not fresh Seedlings any more. You have enough restraint not to attack her on sight. I think.” She ate another berry. “You always remember everything, so Scales could be a good fit that way. Do you think you could be an unbiased judge though?”

That I wasn’t sure about. Picturing myself as Yolanda, the Scales sect head, as she judged whether I deserved punishment or not, left a sour taste in my mouth. I wasn’t sure I was willing to be the instrument of the goddess’s judgment, either by spear or word. Though, perhaps, being one of her spies wasn’t much better.

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I would work with the choices I had.

“Gimley?”

I focused back on Prevna and she continued, “Can I do your hair?”

My mind suddenly felt torn between going a mile a minute and blanking out utterly. The last time she did my hair she had turned it into a knobby mess for a prank, but this time there weren’t any weird leaves around and the way she was looking at me didn’t seem like she was intending to prank me again.

“Why?”

“To relax. It might help you decide what you want to do. You always do my hair so…”

I narrowed my eyes at her. Despite the fact that she was pretending that this a spur of the moment offer, Prevna had pulled a comb from her pack and a little jar of oil that I knew she didn’t typically carry with her unless we were on a trip.

Then I shifted some of the food dishes so I could turn and moved closer to her. “Do you need me to get the braid?”

“No.” Her voice was softer than normal as she answered.

I felt her pick the knot holding my hair tie in place before she carefully ran her fingers through my braid and shook it apart. I expected her to use the comb next but then her fingers were running over my scalp—and I jolted from the unexpected contact.

Prevna froze. “Are you alright?”

More than anything, in that moment, I was glad she couldn’t see my face. “Perfect. You can keep going.”

She hesitated for another long moment before she returned to massaging my head.

Relax. Right. As if I could do that when I was trying to shove another memory into an already bursting sack in my memory tent but the memory wasn’t ending. What focus wasn’t put to that, or the feeling of her hands running through my hair, went entirely to trying to keep my shoulders relaxed so she wouldn’t realize I was being incredibly stupid.

This was Prevna.

Prevna.

I couldn’t risk destroying another relationship right before a long separation.

Still, somewhere along the way I got more lost than I meant to in the feeling of her massaging my head and then gently combing and oiling my hair. The sun was nearly gone by the time she declared she was finished.

“Wait a handful of minutes and then you should wash out the oil. Unless you like being greasy,” she teased.

“Is that why we’re at the lake?”

“It could have been a factor.”

I turned around—and it was a mistake. Prevna was right there and I hadn’t finished shoving the memory into its sack yet. My mind stuttered and memories of Prevna scattered across the floor of my memory tent. Desperate, I shoved them back into the sack but each one I touched flashed through my mind even as I was trying not to remember them.

Prevna, the first time she changed her hair and it brushed against my arm. Dozens of times when she was grinning and particularly pleased with herself. Prevna leaning in close. Prevna telling me about her childhood in the Picker band. Prevna practicing with me in hand to hand combat.

I shoved them all into the sack and tied it closed like my life depended on it. But still I wasn’t quick enough since she noticed my demeanor change.

“Gimley? Did you remember something?”

I swallowed and pulled my gaze from her lips—eyes—to the wall behind her head. “No, I’m fine. I’ll go wash off the oil now.”

I moved to undress so I wouldn’t soak my clothes, but Prevna made an odd noise and caught my hands. “Just—just dip your hair in water. Safer that way.”

I let my tunic go and she released my hands. We had bathed together numerous times, there was no reason to look too closely why she was suddenly reluctant this time. The lake could be dangerous.

I knelt on the sand and dipped my hair into the cool water. Kept it up until I was collected and could think without the storming sack threatening to burst open with all sorts of things I didn’t need.

When I returned to where we had been sitting Prevna was packing up the dishes she had brought. Frustration made her movements less smooth than normal, pinched her eyebrows together.

I crouched down in front of her as she moved to pack up the blanket next. It was my turn to check in with her. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Prevna.”

She shoved the pack down onto the ground and surged up to her feet. “Nothing’s wrong because nothing’s changed! You say we’ll talk but then you still hide it when something is clearly bothering you and I put together this stupid meal thinking I’d—thinking something would change, but it didn’t and that’s fine. It’s fine. Let’s just go back to the Palace.”

My eyes went wide with shock. Prevna hadn’t been her normal teasing self, and that had been worrying enough, but it was even more unlike her to have an outburst like that.

This couldn’t stand. If we went back to the Seedling Palace now she’d still be mad and I’d have no idea why. No way to fix it and a high chance of making it worse.

“What did you want to change?”

She tensed up further, started to say something but then some flicker emotion passed over her face, and she snapped instead, “If you can have your secrets I can have mine.”

I flinched.

She paled. “I…that came out wrong.”

She was going to bolt or smile and pretend everything was fine. I wasn’t sure which was worse, but I did know I didn’t want either option. Would telling her the truth make things better or worse?

I hated the uncertainty, but if I didn’t do anything…well, perhaps that would be just as bad as when I had taken matters into my own hands with Fellen. Better to do something, say something, than keeping silent. That had always been the way of things.

So I swallowed down the fear bubbling up in my chest and said, “I wasn’t stuck in a memory. Not a bad one.”

Prevna waited, still on the verge of leaving.

I continued, “I was remembering you.”

Since I was holding her gaze I didn’t miss the moment she registered what I said. Her eyes went wide, her lips parted, and all I could think was that I had another memory I should shove into that sack if I dared to open it.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

Storms, but I wished I didn’t have to answer that. If I said too much we’d pass a point of no return and the looming deadline of the dedication ceremony meant that if things went poorly I might not get another chance. Prevna could easily keep away from the Seedling Palace with the Beastwatcher sect.

“I’m glad to have you as a friend. Sometimes you catch me off guard and I can’t help but remember all the times you’ve…treated me well.”

“Oh.” Prevna nodded like I had just confirmed something for her. She gave me a small smile. “That’s good. You should have good memories.”

I nodded awkwardly back. “You too.”

She finished folding up the blanket and putting it in her pack. “Let’s get back.”

“Okay.”

Something still wasn’t right, but if I pressed then she would too. And I couldn’t risk that. So we walked back to a shadow cast by the Seedling Palace in silence.