As the bandits moved towards me, I backpedaled quickly. They drew weapons, and I turned and bolted. In a flash, I was down the short corridor and into the next room, the bandits hot on my heels. As I passed the pillar, I caught sight of the pattern I’d set it for. I reached out and rotated the first pillar quickly as I turned to face my attackers.

The first goose skeleton bandit was there, sword raised for a swing. I waited until the last moment, adjusted the left-hand pillar, then lunged to the right and flipped that one. Fire, spikes, and body.

FOOM! Flames and spikes shot up out of the ground from the bare floor, burning and impaling the bandits who had crowded into the doorway. They fell into a smoldering pile on the floor. Burned feathers smelled horrible. Why did they even smell like burned feathers? They were skeletons and didn't have any feathers. Some parts of this game made no sense.

I flipped the pillars back. The portcullis, which had slammed down when the fire started, rose slowly when the pillars were again in the correct configuration. One of the skeletons, which had been impaled by the portcullis, was lifted into the air until the gate reached the top and knocked the skeleton crashing back to the floor. I quickly looted the bodies. I hadn't gotten any experience or skill points for the kills, which suited me just fine.

Then I raced back down the hall in the bandits' room. There were several large chests here and a number of cracked ancient pots. In the first pot, I found a piece of cheese. It was delicious-smelling and fresh, without a trace of mold. It didn't even look dried out in the cool cavern air. In the bottom of the next vase was a burning candle. It looked brand new, and there wasn't even a puddle of wax. As soon as I picked it up, the wax started dripping down the side. I pulled it into my inventory, where it continued to burn.

One of the chests was full to the brim with helmets and breastplates of glittering gold and silver. I rummaged through it, pulling the whole thing into my inventory. The chest was too heavy, and I got a [You are encumbered and can no longer run] message. That never happened back at Kronos. Inventory weight limits are bollocks.

I pulled the chest out. All that was left in my inventory was a rusted breastplate. It looked nothing like any of the ones I’d seen in the chest. The rust was thick, almost completely through the sheet metal.

Somehow, a wooden bookshelf was affixed to the stone wall. It had an entire shelf filled with books. When I searched it, I came away with a Scroll of Chromatic Yolks and a single tome about the history of the Axe Coast. I thumbed through the book. There were only three pages that had any text, and the full volume was less than two hundred words, telling me nothing of use about a place I had never heard of. I tossed the book back on the shelf, where it disappeared among the other books.

I continued to make my way into the dungeon in a similar fashion. I didn't meet anymore bandits, though I did run into a pack of skeleton geese cultists. They seemed a little concerned by my possible banditry, but after I spouted the praises of the lich for a while, they got bored and left me alone.

There was a cavern of huge spiders, but I was able to sneak through that before finally arriving at the boss' chamber. And it had to be what it was because the room was much larger than anything else down there. It was filled with various pedestals and sarcophagi. It was also not full of a boss.

I wandered around for a while before settling down to study a large wall covered in runes. My interface refused to tell me what it was. It popped up with a warning, saying, [You have not fulfilled the prerequisites].

After another circuit studying every nook and cranny of the room, I realized the wall must be what triggers the boss’s arrival. Whatever I was missing wouldn't let me trigger it, so I was stuck. But I didn't actually need to kill the boss. In fact, I didn't want to kill the boss. I only needed to get the “Lich’s Feather Mantle” to finish the quest.

As I was standing studying the wall, I thought I heard a noise. After a few minutes of walking carefully, not making a sound, and listening, I was able to localize it to the nearest sarcophagus. I tried to open them to no success. I looked at my bony hands. Maybe there was something else I could try.

I rapped on the side of the stone box. "Hey, he's gone. You can come out now."

"Are you sure?" a voice muttered from inside the sarcophagus.

"Yeah, he wandered right off,” I said.

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"But he didn't fight the boss."

“Nope, sure didn't."

"Well, of all the..." The stone lid gave a thunk and then slid slowly to the side with a long scrape.

A skeleton goose head wearing a metal helmet popped out of the opening. “Why wouldn't he start the boss fight? That doesn't even make sense.” The goose turned to yell at the room, "You can come out now. He's gone."

All around the room, stone coffins slid open and skeleton geese covered in cobwebs and wearing dusty armor hopped out. These were listed as "Minions of the Lich Goose”. They weren’t labelled as bandits or cultists, but were of course both “skeletons” and “geese”.

A crowd of ancient skeletons gathered around, busily discussing the inconsideration of how inconsiderate adventurers were.

"Hey Jethro, who's the new guy?"

“Oh, he’s…” the skeleton I had first coaxed out of a sarcophagus, glanced at me. "Actually, I didn't get your name."

"I'm Jebediah, you can..."

He peered closer at me. "You're not one of the Lich's adds, so what are you doing down here?"

"I had a message for the Lich. Do you know when he'll be back?"

"Think he tells us anything?" one of the skeletal archers retorted. "We just hang out here till we hear an adventurer coming, then it's hide out in the sarcophagus, jump out in phase two. Get your face burned off by a fireball."

"Jimbo, you ain't had a face in a century," one of the skeletons in the back of the pack said.

The archer whirled on him. "Like you're one to talk, Fred."

Soon the two of them were in a heated argument. The rest of the skeletons ignored them.

"So you don't know when he'll be back?" I tried again.

"Nah, he just pops in for the fight and then goes out. He's never here if there's not an adventurer to fight. He pops in when an adventurer examines the honk wall.”

"That's those runes here?"

"Yeah, those are the ones. They read it and then a big honk sounds. They all come here so they can level up their honking skill."

"So the adventurers want a big honking skill, huh?"

The skeleton shrugged. Its shoulderbones and arms went up and down even though they weren't really connected with anything except the clavicle. "Yeah, I guess they need it for the final boss or something. That's really above our pay grade."

The skeleton called Fred broke off his furious argument with Jimbo. "You get paid?"

"It's just an expression, Fred." There was a gentle murmuring around the room.

I had an idea. “Wait, you guys hang out down here getting burned by adventurers and you don't even get paid?"

"Well, no, not exactly. I mean, there are perks."

"Like what?" I asked.

"Like, uh... Oh, that's a good question.”

“The medical's pretty good," Jethro offered.

"There is no medical, you dummy. You just respawn all back together again the next time."

"Oh, right.”

“But even the bandits upstairs get paid. Why, they've got chests up there just heaping with gold and all kinds of interesting gear. Like, look at this." I pulled out the burning candle.

"Ooh, pretty," said the crowd of skeletons in unison.

"Yeah, there's tons of this sort of stuff up there. You should go check it out."

"Nah, man, we have to wait down here until more adventurers come."

"But they come from up there, right?"

The skeletons' heads swiveled around, looking at each other, before one of them said, "Yeah, I guess so."

"So you would see them coming and you could get back down here, right?"

A lot of empty eye socket looks were exchanged around.

“Sure, I guess so," Jethro finally said. "You know, I've always wanted to see the upper levels."

“They're absolutely spiffing. You should go check it out."

There was a general murmur of agreement. But before they all took off, headed for the surface, I realized they might know where the quest item I needed was. "Hey, you think there’s a chance I could see the Lich's mantle?”

"His mantle? You mean his... the robe thing he wears?"

"I don't suppose he, you know, leaves it down here or anything, does he?" It was a long shot, but...

“ ’course he does. Every time he spawns in, he wraps it around his shoulders. He has a much better one in his other lair."

"His other lair?"

“Yeah, you know, on Mount Pinfeather, above Winternest. This lair’s really not all that good. We’re all hoping for a transfer. Besides, every time they kill him, the adventurers take it away with them."

Bingo. It had been a hunch, but since I knew that was the quest turn-in item, I thought there was a chance that it would respawn separately from the Lich.

Jethro led the way across the room. “See, it's right here." He opened a panel in the stone wall that I had not previously noticed on my inspection of the room. Inside were dozens of identical robes hanging from coat hangers.

"Wow, those are amazing. As sparkly as everyone says. Thanks for letting me see it.”

"Nah, he's got a much better one on Mount Pinfeather. At least that's what my cousin Jim Bob says. He's level 15 and he's got a job being adds for the Ghost Queen. She’s in a different dungeon, around on the back side of Mount Pinfeather. Jim Bob says when he's on break, he's been up to see the Lich King's Lair. Very impressive. Much better than this dump."

This got the crowd talking about the levels upstairs and how much better they must be. A few minutes later, they trooped out of the room.

As soon as the last one disappeared, I snatched one of the robes off a hanger and stuffed it in my inventory. Then I closed the stone closet door behind me and made my way out of the dungeon. I was certain there was a back way out that would bypass everything, but probably it wouldn’t open unless I killed the lich.

I moved cautiously. When I was two floors from the exit, I heard a big commotion. It sounded like skeleton archers and bandits were having it out. I took one of the smaller side passages to avoid the fight and made my way to the surface. The bandit camp had respawned, but since I was wearing their paraphernalia and still had the guise of a skeletal goose, they just waved me on by.

Finally, I reached the surface. Time to turn in a coat and get the next step of this quest.