Since coming into this fragment, I had been looking for things that were out of the ordinary. Some mysterious entity murdering an NPC to keep me from getting a starter quest definitely qualified.

Before I went anywhere, I took a moment to consider. This wasn't the kind of quest that would go away if I died and respawned. So, chances are, no one would be trying to hunt me down and kill me just for possessing it. However, that might change if I attempted to complete it. It was a relatively straightforward quest: locate the Duck Brotherhood. It was tagged as a Driftwood quest, and no one had suggested I go some other place to find them. So, chances were that the Duck Brotherhood was somewhere in this town, or at least the contact I needed to progress the quest was.

I started by checking with the trainers in the Thieves Guild, but none of their dialogue options had changed. Then, I moved out and asked some people on the streets. The third person mentioned having a cousin who had run afoul of the Duck Brotherhood. They had found his body floating in the river.

I redirected my efforts to the area along the waterfront. The river wasn't large. The boats pulled up at the dock seemed much too big for it, with steeply curved prows, like models reused from an oceanfront town.

The place was littered with deckhands loitering about. Only the system labeled them as [Duck Hands]. There were certainly more of the duck people than I had seen in other areas, with only a few goose people and none of the raven people at all.

I got hints about the Brotherhood from four more passersby before a [Quest Complete] notification popped up, and a dot appeared on my map. The entrance was in the back of a rundown warehouse off an alleyway choked with garbage. I had walked past that area several times before, so I knew the entrance had been invisible until I progressed the quest. Not just the entrance, but the entire trash-choked alleyway simply hadn't been there before.

The door opened without a squeak, pivoting on well-greased hinges. Inside, a duck man wearing a purple cape, with molting green feathers on his head and neck, stood brewing at an alchemy table. When he caught sight of me standing in the doorway, he gave such a start he spilled his potion all over. He swore as he started cleaning it up. "Excuse me?" I asked.

"Uh, welcome to the Duck Brotherhood," he spoke hesitantly, like a high school actor who had forgotten his lines. "What brings you to our door?"

Some interactions in this game used a freeform dialogue, but other times, when the options were more discrete, it would pop up with dialogue options for me to select. This was one of those times. “I would like someone killed" and "I would like to join the Brotherhood" were the two options that popped up. I selected joining the Brotherhood.

The duck's bill opened and closed several times as he searched for what to say. Finally, he broke down. "Why? You're not a duck. How did you even find us here?"

Suddenly, another duck rushed into the room. From her dowdy brown coloration, I guessed she was female. She grabbed the befuddled duck and whispered something in his ear before turning to me with a big smile. "Welcome. Thank you for your interest in the Duck Brotherhood. If you wish to join our ranks, you must pass the three trials." Her delivery was more natural than his had been but still had that stilted quality of half-remembered lines or reading off a script.

She finished speaking and stared at me. No quest pop-ups appeared. I waited a moment longer. She continued to stare. "So, what are the three trials?" I asked.

"Oh!" She seemed surprised at my question. She looked around frantically as if expecting them to be listed on the wall or written on a scrap of paper on the floor. "The trials, right. Um, just a moment.” she scurried out of the room. A moment later, her head popped back through the doorway. "Wait here, please." Then she was gone again.

Very suspicious. Whatever these ducks were playing at, they weren't your typical NPCs. Excellent. I’d be pushing this interaction as far as it could go. Purple Cape busied himself at the alchemy table. Considering how often he was spilling potions or producing clouds of smoke, I think my presence was distracting him.

A minute later, another duck poked his head around the door. His eyes widened at the sight of me. This one looked more refined than purple cape. He wore bright blue boots and had matching blue stripes along his wingtips. He gave a low squawk, then drew back into the inner room.

I casually sauntered over and loitered by the door. I was still unable to make out the muttered conversation in the next room, but then I remembered something I had seen in the user interface. I popped it open: [Accessibility options: closed captions].

Instantly, words appeared at the bottom of my screen. "Impossible!”

“And that's the whole point. We want him to fail. Send him on a you-know-what.”

"I see your point. The lich then?"

"Exactly. The lich."

There were shuffling footsteps, and a moment later, the female duck appeared. She spoke, and the captions popped up, even though I didn’t need them now. "Yes, your trial! Thank you for waiting. It will be to hunt down the lich that has been terrorizing the barrows just outside of town."

"Right, that's all?"

"Yes. Bring back its mantle.”

"Right, mantle of a goose lich. The dungeon just outside of town."

As an experienced gamer, I knew what that meant, A dungeon just outside of town never had only one quest in it, and I wasn’t going to pass up other opportunities, even if I was avoiding leveling. Fortunately, in this game, leveling up was a choice. I could avoid cashing in my XP just as long as I didn’t get into a tight spot where I had to level to avoid dying.

I made a pass through the rest of town to collect all other quests related to the barrows. There was an awful lot of them. Everything from finding someone's lost ring to finding a grandfather's pickaxe, all the way to killing 20 goose cultists.

Since I hadn't been focused on leveling, I wasn't confident in taking the dungeon head-on. Plus, straight-up combat and normal leveling weren't in my plan. So, I was going to need an angle. The only thing I had managed any significant skill in was Sneak, since I had been using it to get around town as well as to complete the Thieves Guild quests.

I stocked up on what little potions I could craft with the recipes I had learned and made my way outside town. The barrow was not far off the main road, a mile out of Driftwood. Just outside the entrance was a makeshift encampment. Patrolling around the encampment were skeleton bandit cultists. I stared at the description over their head: [Goose skeleton bandit cultist]. That was bizarre. They stood around in little 2 and 3 member clusters, with patrols of one or two more wandering between each group. Standard setup. The obvious thing was to kill a group, ambush the patrol, kill it, go to the next group, until I’d carved a path in. I didn’t think that was going to work for me. They weren’t showing me a level, just a ?? which probably meant they’d kick my ass hard.

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.

I spent the next half hour sneaking around the outside of the camp and memorizing their patrol patterns. Finally, I was able to hide behind a set of crates close enough to pickpocket one: [Goose bandit cultist belt. 1/5. Don the Goose Bandit Cultist set to take on the guise of a goose bandit cultist.]

That was interesting.

As I was maneuvering around the camp to try and pickpocket another one, I heard the sound of tramping feet coming from the main road. I slipped behind the nearest tree while keeping my Sneak up.

"Here's another bandit camp. This will finish the quest, at least.”

“I should level if we do this right.”

The goose bandit cultists all turned to look. A squad of newcomers entered the clearing. They were clearly players, and orcs by the sound of it, though two of them were wearing bird-type bodies and another was some sort of lizardwoman with breasts. Why do lizardwomen have breasts in these games? They’re not mammals!

They fell on the skeletal bandit cultists with swords, arrows, and fireballs and quickly dispatched a lot of them. "Bah, nothing but vendor trash. At least we finished the quest.”

“Hang on while I loot everything."

One of the bandits had fallen near my tree. I snuck out and grabbed the body, pulling it into my inventory before slipping back under cover. A moment later one of the party tramped past.

"I could have sworn there was another one up here.”

“Come on, let's go. We need to turn this in. We don't have any time to lose."

"Are you sure you don't want to go down into the barrow? That quest the Drake of Whitetail was offering looked pretty good."

"No way. Everyone knows that that quest is impossible."

The party moved off back down the road. I took a moment to examine the corpse in my inventory: [Goose bandit cultist boots. 2/5. Don the whole set to assume the guise of a goose bandit cultist.]

From experience, I knew I had a few minutes before the camp would respawn. I quickly looted the place. There were a half a dozen large crates, each one was filled to the brim.The first one was completely filled with apples, visually overflowing, and all I got out of it was a single rotten apple core. The next one, when I opened it, was filled to the brim with gold coins. But when I scooped my hand in to loot it, I came away with a single bent copper. The other crates came up empty even though they looked to my eyes as if they were filled with supplies. Finally, I looted a pile of bedding and came away with only scraps of cloth instead of the very nice-looking blanket rolls that I could see with my own eyes.

My search of the camp complete, I entered the barrow. A low cobweb-filled entrance led to the first chamber. Here there was a single goose bandit skeleton cultist looking over a map on a table. He hadn't spotted me. I thought quickly and snatched up a bucket I saw nearby. I engaged Sneak and moved behind him to drop the bucket on his head. It settled on his goosey skull with a thunk.

"What's that? Who's there?"

"It's just me!"

As I started to speak, a dialogue selection popped up in front of me. It said,

-Claim to be a bandit, No modifier.

-Claim to be a goose, -10 to Persuade

-Claim to be a skeleton, -20 Persuade.

-Claim to be a cultist, -200 Persuade.

That made the decision easy.

“I’m a bandit.”

"Oh. I used to be a bandit like you, until an adventurer burned my face off with a fireball. Now I think we're supposed to kill you. Or rob you. I don't remember."

"You don't want to tell me about the goose goddess?"

The bucket tilted to one side, and I could picture the skeletal head looking at me quizzically from the inside. "Who's that now?" He sounded like Dick Van Dyke doing a bad cockney accent. It took all my willpower not to laugh at him.

“Whoever you're a cult for. I'm very interested in joining your religion."

"Oh, no, not a goddess. We worship the goose lich."

"Of course! Tell me more about him then."

The bucket jerked as if in surprise. Then it tilted the other way. "Uh, not much to tell, I guess. He's pretty great. Got the lich powers and, uh... Oh, hell, I don't know. We just worship him is all. When we're not robbing people or killing them."

"Right, So how is it I can join your cult?"

“What? Wait, are we recruiting?" Duck Van Dyke was sounding more confused by the minute.

"Aren't cults always recruiting?"

"I wouldn't know, I've only ever been a part of this cult. And I can't remember ever recruiting anyone."

"Well, tell me what it takes to be in your cult."

The bucket tilted the other way. What would a confused expression look like on a goose skull anyway? I was missing out on a lot here. "Uh, well, I suppose you have to be a skeleton."

"Oh, I don't fancy that."

"And wear these robes we've got." He patted the robes he wore and the belt at his waist. "Yeah, that's probably it. The outfit's what makes you a part of the cult."

Now we were getting somewhere. "Oh, that's good, where can I get one of those?"

The bucket tilted back the other direction. "Oh, I don't know, we already have them on."

"Can I have yours?"

"What? Then what would I wear?"

"You're a skeleton, you don't need to wear anything."

"Oh. Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"I wasn't always a skeleton, you know. I used to be a bandit."

“You said that, yes. Can I have your robes then?"

"My robes? But then I wouldn't be in the cult anymore, would I?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, do you like being in the cult that much?"

The bucket tilted back the other direction. "Well, now as you mention it, I don't particularly care for it. There's not too much to it, really, other than hanging out and killing adventurers. And I suppose I would do that anyway, being as how I'm a skeleton and all. I mean, what else do skeletons do but hang out and kill adventurers?"

"I suppose that's true," I said, nodding, even though the goose couldn't see me. "So you'll give me your robes, then?"

"No, I don't think that'd be a good idea."

I could really use more points in persuasion, but none of the Thieves Guild trainers had offered that.

I checked my pickpocket interface. As I was not in combat, and wasn't currently visible to any NPC, pickpocket was available.

I opened his inventory.

Sure enough, he had a complete set of cultist robes, a pair of boots, and an ancient goose bow, which was five of five for the Goose Skeleton Bandit Cultist set.

I took everything, except the bucket, which also showed up on the list. Suddenly, the skeleton was naked.

"Is it drafty in here, or is it just me?"

"No, I think it's just you," I said, as I proceeded to put on his set of gear.

When the last item settled onto my body, I suddenly felt a lot lighter. I looked down at my hands, and only saw bony fingers.

I had to tilt my head farther down to see them, because something big and flat was flapping in front of my face. I realized I had a goose bill. And my neck was quite long. That was an interesting effect, one I didn’t think I’d ever seen in a game before.

The skeletal goose continued to stand there with the bucket on his head. "Oy, are you still there?"

"No, I've left already."

"Oh. All right then." It turned back to face the table, looking down, tilting the bucket down as if he could see through it to the items on the table top.

I looked around the room. The only other exit was a metal portcullis blocking off a hall, leading deeper into the barrows. Pillars stood on either side. They had carvings all over them, in three distinct bands, one above the other, like a totem pole. The patterns on each side didn't match, and one of the top segments on the left side was turned slightly.

Pretty obvious what I needed to do. I stepped up to the pillars and proceeded to rotate each segment until the patterns on the left pillar and the right pillar matched. On the bottom was flame, in the middle was spikes, and on the top was a stick figure.

As the last piece clicked into place, I realized that maybe I hadn't thought this through. I dove backwards as the floor turned to lava and spikes shot up out of it. There was a roar, and the whole room trembled. Three seconds later, the spikes vanished, and the flames faded. All that was left was the choking smoke.

"Oops."

I stepped up and spun the pillars again, this time taking more care to pay attention to what they were showing.

Smooth floor, a stick figure, and an open doorway. Now that was more like it. I set both of them the same. Not taking any chances, I jumped back away as soon as the last piece rotated into place. The portcullis slid up, revealing the passage beyond. I made my way down a short stretch of hall into the next chamber.

Several skeletal geese were in the room. They turned as I entered. "What are you doing here?"

"All hail the lich," I said, raising one skeletal hand. Though my bony fingers looked suspiciously like the bones of a wing and not of a hand.

"The lich? We're not cultists, we're just regular bandits.”

“Skeleton goose bandits. Not skeleton goose bandit cultists?" I wanted to make sure I had this clear.

"No, no, no. We hate those guys."

“But, you’re all in the same barrow dungeon.”

"Yes. And now we're gonna have to kill you.” The skeletal geese started for me.

I ran for it.