“Karma?” came the old familiar voice of someone I thought would take longer to find me.
I’d had a nap, told stories to the baby gnoblins, and was headed out to head back in when I was rudely interrupted by reality that wasn’t reality but was. I gave a great heavy sigh and turned to the deep voice.
“That’s me,” I held up my hand like I’d been called for attendance in class, but it was really to cast my buff spell and turn on my mana sight vision.
Beau gave a deep chuckle, and his little circle of cronies echoed him like the mindless NPCs they were. It had gotten dark again, so I was thinking he’d waited for me in the tavern only until it looked like I wasn’t coming back. I wasn’t, so that was fair. I’d been planning to do one more cycle of this lovely dungeon and head back over to the one I’d seen first. I could feel the buzz of the zone line and wondered if I could just go back in anyway. Not because I wasn’t ready for Beau but because I was curious about how it worked.
“You got some quick levels,” Beau commented, his lack of concern insulting in ways he didn’t even realize. Beau was surrounded by most of the tavern’s patrons. I was cast back to our past when he’d done campouts that were very thinly disguised orgies. There they were, Mabel, Marlo, Chester and Lily, and a dozen adventurers all gathered around a campfire where Beau held court, strumming on his lute. Mabel had a few kegs tapped and a long table to line up the mugs on. And there was that damn overturned hat of Beau’s at his feet, the one with a half dozen feathers and more coins than he deserved.
Beau, the Bard – Level 10 (Health 320/320) (Mana 280/280)
“We could group up and go in there and get you a few levels too,” I suggested, leaning my back against zone line. I’d forgotten how low his health and mana had been and were, still.
Darkburrow: Gnoblins Dungeon
Levels 5-15
Recommended group size 3-4
You qualify for this dungeon but do not have a group. Do you wish to override group recommendation? (Y/N)
“We’re going to have to do this eventually,” he chided me, and all I could think was that he could not have identify or he’d be shaking in his boots. I don’t know how he knew what level I was, but he wasn’t running away so there was just no way he’d looked at my health and mana levels. I had almost ten times his health and mana. It was absurd, really. Maybe he’d thought it was a glitch.
“Huh,” I said, crossing my arms and narrowing my eyes as I ran my gaze over the adventurers around him. They were all kicked back and having fun, but I identified them and realized that maybe he wasn’t an idiot. “Probably right about that.”
Shawn, the Fighter – Level 7 (Health 171/171) (Mana 76/76)
Chuck, the Paladin – Level 9 (Health 290/290) (Mana 200/200)
Rita, the Cleric – Level 4 (Health 90/90) (Mana 80/80)
Steve, the Fighter – Level 10 (Health 342/342) (Mana 112/112)
Matt, the Monk – Level 6 (Health 138/138) (Mana 104/104)
Jerry, the Cleric – Level 11 (Health 411/411) (Mana 409/409)
Tom, the Barbarian – Level 8 (Health 387/387) (Mana 105/105)
Veronica, the Druid – Level 9 (Health 306/306) (Mana 281/281)
Sham, the Idiot…
Yes, it was a list of NPC characters and Quill probably remembers them all with all their details, but it was mostly irrelevant. Together their health and mana were almost twice mine. Then again, were they my enemies? The elite guards were tougher as a whole, but I’d had a door to barricade. The cave opening wasn’t even really a choke point.
Beau launched into a song that increased all their health and gave me a very pretty smile. I had to admit he looked good. He was in his prime as a pretty buff version of the sixteen-year-old band nerd I’d fallen for the first time. His eyes were liquid puddles of diarrhea that a girl could totally sink into if she was into sewer dives, and it looked like Rita was that kind of girl. Poofy sleeves and tight leather trousers that hugged one tight derriere. It would have to be tight or all that liquid bullshit his charming presence exuded would hit the floor and get Rita all squirmy in her seat. Upturned stumps of trees that could have been knocked down with Beau’s charisma or Tom’s bulging biceps were being used as chairs and tables.
It was like being transported back in time. Oh, wait. This time I wasn’t shaking in my peasant garb. This time I was nodding my head full of wavy auburn hair that was being held in a sexy little messy bun by a thong. A hair thong. I’d cocked my leather clad hip to the side, crossed my ankles, and wet my pouty lips like Olivia Newton John in Grease. The twinkle in my eyes gave me the satisfaction of seeing his arrogance slip just a tad. It was enough. I was good with that. Now I could defeat him. I’d already gotten the defeat I wanted out of him, but the system needed something more.
The song ended and coins hit the hat. I batted empty eyes at him as he sidled up to where I stood still against the zone. He moved with a grace he hadn’t had in a very long time.
“How do you want to do this?” Beau leaned against the cave entrance, looking down at me with sultry eyelashes worthy of a drag queen.
“Do what?” I gave him an innocent look up through my eyelashes as if I was an anime chick.
“I’m your nemesis,” he leaned down to whisper it in my ear.
“You are?” I gasped dramatically. “I’m surely completely doomed if a big bard like you is the one I’d have to defeat to win this quest.”
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“Karma’s a good name for you,” he pursed his lips to hold back the smile as he whispered to me. He leaned his head down toward me as if we were flirting. “Feeling bitchy?”
“I’m feeling something right now,” I replied breathily, when what I really wanted to do was knee him in the nuts.
“I could make you feel something,” he promised.
“Really?” I lowered my lashes, turning my head away.
“We could give up on this quest business and just find a nice room back at the inn,” he breathed into my ear.
“Does no still mean no in this world?” I asked, finally flaring my eyes with a dare. “Or did that level of morality go out of style like your outfit in the seventies?”
It was a silly old thing, and I didn’t even care about it. It was a joke to me. Beau had a firm rule at all his campouts. No meant no. If a person said no, it meant no more. It applied to everyone but Beau, unless you didn’t count the persistent flirtations that followed any no directed at him. I don’t even think he knew he didn’t live by his own rules.
“When did it ever mean no to you?” He leaned back with a smile that had a little more teeth this time. “If I remember right, you like a bad boy.”
“And you were never bad enough,” I shook my head and levered myself up off the zone wall to turn my back on him. I was ready to commit to the inevitable fight. I took a step toward the makeshift bar.
“Maybe I am now,” he called to me, but I shook my head some more.
“If you were,” I half-turned to reply, “I’d feel it.” I held a clenched hand over my stomach and turned the rest of the way to walk backward toward the bar. “Here. Deep. Solid.”
Skill Learned: Flirting
“Really?” he wasn’t ready to let it go, but he was still smiling.
“Oh yeah, baby,” I bit my lip and turned back to Mabel. I raised a gold coin over my head and called out, “A round of ales on me for everyone, including the very desperate bard over there.”
I knew and he knew that we’d each moved on. This time I wasn’t the mouse and he wasn’t the milksop. I wasn’t trying to figure everything out. He thought he had the upper hand. In a game of seduction, maybe he did. If he was ever going to do it for me it would have been in those pants, with those biceps, singing our old song. He was better at seduction, but I was better at flirting.
If you want a married man to leave you alone, flirt him to death and then mention his wife. If you want a boyfriend to leave you, flirt with the ex. If you want an ex to writhe with remorse, flirt and leave. I’d learned how to flirt in order to get guys to back off. I didn’t do it to get a free drink or dinner. I did it to let them go easy, with a smile on their faces. Who hates a tease? Everyone. And when all you do is flirt, you’re a tease. When you’re the tease, it’s easier to make you the bad guy instead of them and that made leaving easier. I was easy to love and hard to keep.
“Come on, Rita,” I held up the first mug of ale to her. “Take this over to the bard and help heal that bruised ego.”
“Nothing bruised on me, baby,” Beau countered, holding out his arms. “I’m good, but I’ll take the ale.”
I knew he would. It was poisoned. I didn’t need the ale to do it, but I was going for the artistic touch. Rita handed him the mug and nearly melted into his sultry thanks as he laid one arm around her and took the ale in the other. That worked better than I’d anticipated. He couldn’t sing with his hands full, and Rita was more than willing to fill the bard’s hands with ample assets. Marlo had better, but he did only have two hands.
“Any requests?” he asked me, like we weren’t in a battle.
“Karma’s a singer too,” one of my ever-so-helpful adventurer buddies put in. “Maybe you could do a duet?”
“Nope,” I shut it down so quickly that I saw several frowns of whiplash. “He’s the bard. I’m just a cook who tells a story now and then when the pros aren’t around.”
“Not even – “ Beau started with a low taunt, lifting his mug in a challenge.
“Nope,” I shook my head slowly and took the next mug. “Not a chance. Still no. And no again… how’s that no means no thing for you now, Beau?” I raised my mug in a silent toast and tipped it back, knowing he would never resist the challenge.
Beau gave me a grin as if to say, it’s on. Wasn’t that cute? He thought I was toasting the beginning of our duel. He put the ale to his lips and matched the angle of my own cup as we both tipped our heads all the way back. My head was far enough back that he couldn’t see the roll of my eyes.
“You’re right, I do have a request,” I snapped my fingers like I’d just come up with a song. “How about Queen? We could make it a duel kind of thing, you think?”
“What did you have in mind?” Beau asked, pulling away from Rita.
“You guys remember this one, right?” I asked the adventurers with a thump-thump-clap. “You want to hear a real bard sing it, right?”
Faces lit up like it was Christmas.
Beau, the Bard – Level 10 (Health 288/320) (Mana 270/280) – Poisoned (-32 health/5 seconds)
“You taught them We Will Rock You by Queen?” Beau asked, suspicion dawning.
“Sure did,” I winked at him, casting a Lift Spirits on him so he wouldn’t feel the poison yet. “I’ll bet this whole quest that you can’t get to the end of the song without missing a note.”
“You’re on,” he strode to center stage at the campfire to the thump-thump-clap of everyone.
Beau, the Bard – Level 10 (Health 256/320) (Mana 260/280) – Poisoned but Cheerful (-32/5 seconds)
The first time we’d done this, my little poison would have taken forty rounds to take Beau from full health to zero. Now it would take less than ten. Ten times five is fifty seconds. That song was two minutes long and my spell was already a good chunk into his health before he strummed the first note.
Beau, the Bard – Level 10 (Health 224/320) (Mana 250/280) – Poisoned but Cheerful (-32/5 seconds)
I thump-thumped the bar and clapped over my head, really getting them going for him. Sure, I was overdoing it, but it did have to be epic. I was going to play it up. Beau cocked his head to the side and gave me a quick suspicious glance, but the rest of him was all smiles for the audience.
Beau, the Bard – Level 10 (Health 192/320) (Mana 240/280) – Poisoned but Cheerful (-32/5 seconds)
He was into his first line when I saw the first cramp hit him. I’ll give it to him, he was a trooper. He wove that healing song into it and kept going. I did a little quick math, and I was still good even with that heal spell in there.
Beau, the Bard – Level 10 (Health 167/320) (Mana 230/280) – Poisoned but Cheerful (-32/5 seconds)
I felt him try to speed up the pace but since the patrons and I were keeping time with our thump-thump-clap, he couldn’t really move the beat. Our beat was stronger than his melodic lute strings, no matter how strong his voice.
Beau, the Bard – Level 10 (Health 142/320) (Mana 220/280) – Poisoned but Cheerful (-32/5 seconds)
By the time we were kicking our cans all over the place, sweat had popped out on his brow, and he’d lost half his health. We weren’t even at the first chorus. He’d need to concede or die before the end of the song.
Beau, the Bard – Level 10 (Health 117/320) (Mana 210/280) – Poisoned but Cheerful (-32/5 seconds)
I strolled over to stand behind him during the first chorus, really amping up the crowd to sing with him.
Beau, the Bard – Level 10 (Health 92/320) (Mana 200/280) – Poisoned but Cheerful (-32/5 seconds)
“Concede and I’ll cure and heal you,” I whispered into his ear only loud enough for him to hear. We weren’t even halfway through the song and my peeps out there knew it.
Beau, the Bard – Level 10 (Health 67/320) (Mana 190/280) – Poisoned but Cheerful (-32/5 seconds)
“You win,” he muttered, but I didn’t get a message, so I didn’t cure the poison. He had seconds to decide whether to live or die. If he wanted to play a game of chicken in the last ten seconds of his life, that was his prerogative. I wasn’t going to be the one to blink.
Beau, the Bard – Level 10 (Health 42/320) (Mana 180/280) – Poisoned but Cheerful (-32/5 seconds)
“I concede the duel and the quest!” Beau threw his lute to the ground in defeat before the poor man could get to pleading.
Nemesis Defeated