The forest behind the tavern was not a hike through the national park trails back home. The trails did not conveniently meander next to sweet little streams that led to breathtaking waterfalls. There were no signs, no maps, and the wildlife was not limited to cute little squirrels, scared rabbits, and the occasional timid deer. When I’d told Mabel that I’d planned to head out into the forest in search of herbs, she’d handed me a large kitchen knife. That should have clued me in to the possibilities. It hadn’t. I realized every one of these things after becoming lost.

Book of herbs in hand, I had naively plunged onto the nearest trail with a sack, a butcher knife, and noble intentions. Thanks to Chester, I was two recipes richer, so I’d headed out as soon as my morning cooking had been set to simmer. As I stared down a large vorpal bunny, I was wondering how I could have been so stupid as to treat a forest in an RPG gaming environment as an herb garden in a cartoony fairy tale. I was losing my gamer-card over this one.

Terra hissed from a tree branch near me, distracting the bunny for a moment. When I say bunny, what I mean is that it was relatively bunny shaped, but with sharp front teeth and two feet tall. I took the distracted moment to lunge forward awkwardly with my kitchen knife. I had meant to think all this through, but I’d been up buffing tavern customers half the night, and then paging through my new book and recipes.

Here I was, level five already and I hadn’t fought a single thing. I didn’t have a single combat skill. I didn’t even have a reasonable weapon or armor! The bunny dodged and took a bite out of my wrist.

Health -6 (234/240)

At least I had more health due to levelling up both my Cook profession and my class. The experience from the potions had doubled up by counting for my cooking as well. I had great stats… as a COOK. Remembering a little late that I was a magic-user, I used my left hand to snap my fingers and throw a Sparkler at the bunny. Not liking that in the least, the bunny charged at me. Did I mention it had spikes at the end of its ears? It was really more like little stingers.

Skill Learned: Duel Wielding

Health -4 (230/240)

You have been poisoned!

I aimed my next Sparkler at those poisonous ears. I felt a little woozy already. The bunny charged again.

Health -10 (220/240)

Another ear out of commission and I thought maybe I had a chance. I had my butcher knife in my right hand still and was now easily casting Sparkler out of my left hand. The bunny was really mad now and grabbed my femur with its teeth as I stabbed down into its back, imagining rabbit pot pie for dinner tomorrow night.

Skill Learned: Knife Fighting.

Health -10 (210/240)

That’s when that stupid stew fodder took it to the next level. With its teeth sunk deep into my right thigh, it reared back and raked its back paws straight down my shin. My vision went a little gray, but I still managed to stab and flame the sucker.

Health -30 (180/240)

Skill Learned: Poison Resistance

Dual Wielding +1

Knife Fighting +1

Will +1

You are bleeding profusely.

My knee buckled and I cried out, taking me down to eye level with the thing. Now I was mad, though it was probably just a product of adrenaline. I was glad I was the type to fight instead of fly. I didn’t think those thoughts at the moment. I didn’t think anything. I just blindly stabbed one eye with my knife and snapped a Sparkler into the other. Both little eyeballs popped like water balloons and the bunny’s teeth finally let go of my leg.

Health -20 (160/240)

You are bleeding and poisoned.

The bunny twitched once more and then lay still. It was only then that I noticed Terra had her sharp little teeth in the bunny’s neck and her claws sunk deep into its sides. Between the two of us, we’d killed the thing. I sank back on my butt in shock. What was I thinking?

You have killed a Rabbit – Exp +200 (320/1800)

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“Heal,” Terra urged me though the fog in my mind.

I cast heal on her and I could almost hear her roll her eyes at me. She had come through the episode completely unharmed, so my spell failed. It was enough to snap me out of it so that I cast heal on myself. I watched my leg as if it belonged to someone else, and I was grateful that the shock was keeping the pain in check. I don’t know how many times I cast heal, but Terra had to butt her head up under my hand to get me to stop.

I was full health and petting Terra when the shock wore off. I shook myself and then cast clean a few times to get rid of the blood everywhere. It would attract predators. Obviously, I wasn’t ready for anything bigger than that bunny. I reached out to clean the bunny and it dissolved under my touch.

Loot: 3 rabbit meat, 1 ragged rabbit fur, rabbit tail puff

The loot went straight into my inventory. I had an INVENTORY!!?! I could just see Sammi somewhere laughing their little tutu off as I sat, mouth hung open, looking at a 20-slot inventory. I looked at the sack I’d thought I’d needed. I looked back at the inventory. Not only did I have an inventory, there was stuff in it. Helpful stuff. I blame it on having barely recovered from the shock of the fight that I was so flummoxed over the inventory.

The inventory box faded from my view, but I thought the word inventory and it came back up. As to what was in it? There was a dagger, two small pouches of dried herbs, three stacks of glass vials, and a set of culinary knives. There was also a guidebook. Don’t get so excited like I did. The guidebook only held the information I knew so far. Well, it also had the basic instructions of how to pull up the inventory, map, and quest indexes.

I did realize that the forest wasn’t a place to study the book. I put everything from my hands into the inventory. I was now healed and buffed, but the poison continued to make my stomach sick and my head a little off kilter. I took the time to blur my eyes and look deeply into the mana that swirled in my leg. I could see the darkened tinge to it. My heal pushed back the damage, but it didn’t fix that. I focused and… nudged the mana to a different… pitch? I’ve tried to explain it to others, but they don’t get it.

Spell Learned: Cure Poison

Exp +30 (350/1800)

I cast my new spell and felt the poison lift from me with a sigh. It was like my natural mana was happy to see it go. I had no idea then how rare the talent of manipulating mana was. It was so rare that it didn’t even show up in my skills because the Nemesis Engine didn’t know how to classify it. Instead, the Nemesis Engine just kept giving me new spells.

Cure Poison +1

Exp +10 (350/1800)

Once I knew the spell name, I didn’t have to focus on the mana to make it do these things. I only had to give it a gesture and that would cast the spell for me. I didn’t need the gesture. The gesture just allowed me to not have to think about how I was using the mana. It was quicker that way.

“I sense something coming,” Terra warned me from her perch in the tree next to me.

I scrabbled to my feet and put the dagger in my right hand. I could snap with my left hand, so I could cast my one offensive spell that way. However, I was right-handed and needed my primary hand to stab. I hadn’t learned sword-fighting in my spare time back at home. Sure, I’d played with boffers, but my husband was so much better than I was at it that it had felt impossible to learn. I preferred psychology or trickery when up against a human opponent, and I’d never liked hunting animals. I was now and forever forward changing that opinion about rabbit hunting. It was always rabbit season for me now. And if I found a duck?

This time I was ready for whatever came out of the woods toward us. No, I wasn’t. This world was so bizarre. How was a two-headed deer with spiral antlers and sharpened hooves fair? I briefly considered climbing the tree that Terra was in, then squared my shoulders and said my final prayers. A sparkler and a dagger seemed woefully inadequate to the reach and size of the thing in front of me.

It looked at me and froze. I was poised to snap my sparkler at it, staring deep into the thing’s eyes. Terra hissed and the deer spooked and darted back into the woods it had come out of.

I pulled up my map and followed it and the trail back toward the tavern and safety. If I was going to be exploring the forest, I needed a better offensive spell or a crossbow or a rocket launcher. Herbs would have to wait, or I’d have to buy them at first. There was no way I was going back into that forest until I could one-shot a stupid bunny.

I was going to spend the afternoon playing with Sparkler on the rocks at the chicken coop, but I found it full of chickens… that weren’t chickens. Have you ever seen a two-foot-long chameleon trying to blend into a neon chartreuse background? That was what this world called a chicken. As I stood there gaping at them, I found out why the door had seemed singed. They spat Sparklers when startled.

My appearance wasn’t enough to startle them, but when Terra gracefully leapt from the limb of a nearby tree and onto the top of their cage, they spat like little demons. Terra gave an indignant hiss at them as she bounded back into her tree, out of reach of their mere two-inch range for the spell. Thinking I didn’t want to teach them a longer range, I opted to practice my spell at the forge. Maybe Chester would be there.

“I like the cat trees here better than the ones at home,” Terra commented as we walked to the forge. I walked. Terra sprang from limb to limb and tree to tree. It was likely getting her stats up to do so, but I doubted that was why she did it. It was much more likely that she liked the way the birds scattered out of her way. There was something odd about the birds too. They looked very much like the birds that I knew from home. That was what I found odd at this point.

There were now three goats in the stable. Goats looked like dachshunds, only they had a single blunt horn on their heads, cloven feet, and tongues that were three feet long. I stood staring at them too long. That’s how I knew the length of the tongues. They liked licking things. Don’t leave your mouth open around them. That’s all I’ll say. I don’t kiss and tell.

I rounded a corner and walked into a forge that looked more normal than any animal that didn’t fly around here. If the chickens flew, I didn’t want to know. I’d had my fill of newness by the time I sat on a stool near the billows. I put my head in my hands and sobbed out the last vestiges of the shock that had taken me in the forest.