Remember what I said about swappers taking on the biology of the species they’ve taken the shape of? Well, that applies to everything. Swappers for example, do not need to use the bathroom, we expel an odorless gas from our pores when in our natural shape. And our natural shape is very energy inefficient, that’s actually why we tend to not take our natural shapes for long periods, we can actually end up spending longer as another species than our own, if you wait long enough.

Still, it can get calories from a lot more than most species, so it has some tradeoffs.

Also, we sleep standing up.

I spent a lot of time learning human biology so I was prepared for my vacation time, so at least I knew what to expect with waste expulsion and how to sleep… but now that I think about it, I don’t know if Celia did.

Probably best not to ask.

Regardless, because I had lots of experience as a layabout NEET, I knew when the yawn overtook me that it was time to sleep, so I left the plasticware, cookie containers, and the now empty bag of chips lying where they fell and headed off to bed.

I kicked aside some underwear and shorts and crawled under the covers. My bed was probably the most expensive thing in the house. There’s something particularly cozy about a nice cold bed and cold pillow with a warm human body, it starts to warm up ‘with’ you, and before you know it, you’re just part of the mattress and the pillow and the darkness… and you dream.

Swappers don’t dream.

Humans do.

And I like it. Tonight’s dream… a mountain of potato chips and a tiny Celia sidekick, the cookie winds were blowing hard, carrying sweet creamy snow everywhere, and we were at the top of the world. “What do we do? How do we get down?” Celia looked up at me, tiny and cute in her little human chibi form, huddling in her thick parka, hero worship in her eyes while she waited for me to save the day.

“This!” I cried, and picked up a chip, then took a satisfying, crunchy bite. “We eat our way down!”

“But, that’s madness! Only the most supreme of supreme NEETS could manage such a task! I can’t do that!” She cried, and licked her lips of soft snowy cookie cream.

“Then I… will eat… for us both!” I shouted, and dropping to my hands and knees, I ate a path of potato chips down…down…down the mountain to the sound of chibi Celia’s cheers behind me.

The storm abated as we went down, the salty flavor of chips drawing noises ‘mmm, and yumm’, and delectable happiness with every bite, and all was right with the world until we reached the base of the mountain, and we had survived.

“Amazing!” She shouted, hopping up and down on little legs and raising little arms as I became her hero in my dreams and began to call out my name. “Kayobi! Kayobi! Kayobi! Ka-yo-bi!”

Then… it wasn’t her. I was hearing it in the real world, and waking up to a pounding noise on my apartment door.

It wasn’t Celia’s voice. I blinked my eyes a few times as the real world returned, and I instantly frowned. I looked out the window, I had no clock in my bedroom, and I saw that the sun wasn’t all the way up yet.

‘Getting me up before eleven thirty? What madness-born treachery is this?!’ I thought, and reluctantly let the dream go. Maybe it’s because I’m a swapper, but I have full control of my dreams when I sleep, and as such, I was really enjoying playing around with that one.

It took me a moment to come to my senses, but I recognized Jin’s voice.

“Yeah! I’m coming! Let a girl get dressed!” I shouted and half walked, half tripped over unwashed clothing, half staggered sleepily out into my living area and over to the door.

I yanked it open, and he briefly blinked. “Those are the same pajamas from yesterday… what do you-” He stopped talking when I pantomimed reaching to start unbuttoning them.

“Never mind!” He exclaimed, and I went back to holding the door for support and started wiping a bleary eye.

“What is it, Jin, it’s the crack of dawn?” I asked.

“No it’s not, it’s seven thirty a.m.” He said matter-of-factly.

“So that’s the crack of dawn for me, my dawn begins in about four hours,” I said with a yawn.

“So it’s before dawn-” He cut himself off this time and holding his palms up and out between us, he waved his hands back and forth, “No, no, never mind. I didn’t come here to argue time of day with you, I don’t have time to do that anyway.” He said, and I just stared at him expectantly.

“Uh, I… I hate to ask this but um… listen, my mom is kind of sick. So I was thinking… could you maybe… kind of… walk me to school?” He asked, he was red in the face, and he kept looking over his shoulder. He frankly reminded me of some of the more nervous guards minding various planetary overlords when they knew the Agency sent a warning to their leaders to back off their plans for building an Empire.

“You serious? You woke me up for that?” I asked.

He rubbed the back of his head… “Yeah, listen… I really hate to ask, but I don’t like going by myself.”

“But I’m not a student.” I pointed out. My brow furrowed, “Did you tell your little bros that you’ve got a sexy older girlfriend or something and you just want some arm candy?”

“What? No!” He exclaimed.

I saw the opportunity to mess with him when he blushed strawberry red.

Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

“Why not? Now you’re saying I’m not pretty? You really need to learn how to talk to girls, Jin.” I crossed my arms and turned my nose up, looked away from him, and huffed.

“I didn’t mean it that way!” He exclaimed and then slumped forward with an exasperated sigh.

“Listen, can you please just go with me?” He asked.

“Sorry, but no, I’ve got things to do today, but come by later and tell me how you did on your math, if you don’t have a reason for me to go along…?” I let the question dangle.

“No.” He answered with some reluctance.

“See you later.” I said, yawned, and he gave a little nod, then stepped back.

“Yeah, bye.” He said and waved sheepishly as the door closed on him again.

“Weird.” I mumbled, then went back to bed and slept for several more hours.

The interruption in my sleep was so disruptive that after I collapsed back in bed, I didn’t wake up until there was another knock at my door several hours later.

I opened my eyes, they were still bleary, ‘Ugh, waking up is always the hardest part.’ I thought, but out loud I shouted, “Coming. Give a girl a minute to get dressed!” I shouted and rolled languidly and reluctantly from bed and set foot on the floor.

I opened the door again and I could read Jin’s face as soon as I saw him. ‘Those are the same pajamas from yesterday and this morning.’

But I wasn’t about to tease him. He was smiling, holding up a math paper showing a perfect score.

But his smile showed a chipped tooth, and his right eye was mostly swollen shut.

“I passed, thanks for the help, Kayobi. Uh, I’ll be going now-” He said while rubbing the back of his head.

“No. You. Are. Not. Get in here, Jin.” I snapped and grabbed the tie of his uniform, looking closer, it was a bit dirty and had grass stains on it too. I dragged him in and slammed the door. “What the hell happened?” I demanded and put my hands on my hips and leaned toward him.

“Uh… just… some guys…” He muttered…

I put two and two together, “Is this why you asked me to walk you to school?”

“Kinda… yes.” He muttered and hung his head, “They don’t mess with me when other people are around that might tell the school… but when I’m alone…”

“How long has this been going on?” I asked, and he didn’t say anything.

I put my hand on the side of his cheek, “Go on, tell me?”

“Most of the year… most of the time it’s no big deal, I can handle it, it’s just… they got a little rougher this time…” He pursed his lips tight, he was shaking, clearly upset.

Humans are funny that way, they cry when they’re happy or sad or all kinds of things, you kind of have to know humans a bit to understand what they’re feeling at any given time…

“Jin, I want you to do something for me tomorrow.” I said as I made up my mind.

“What?” He asked without looking up, I got him to come farther into my apartment and sit down at my kitchen table, kicking my trash out of the way as he went.

“Call in sick to the school, then come over here and clean my place and do my laundry for me… oh and make a nice meal… then promise me something?” I asked.

“What?” I could see the confusion grow evident on his face at my unexpected request.

“Never… ever tell anyone about this, not with my laundry, or that you spent the day at a girl’s place, none of it. Get me?” I asked, “Whatever happens tomorrow, you never say a word.”

He nodded dumbly, “Okay… why…?” He asked.

“That would constitute saying a word.” I said, “Now hold still and let me get some ice on that. Oh, and ‘blindfold yourself’ while doing it, I know all you human teenage boys are perverts! I’ve seen anime, and I don’t want your nosebleeds on my intimates!”

“That’s not how that works!” Jin exclaimed, turning red enough in the face that I thought he might have a nosebleed right then and there. When I laughed at him, he started to settle down, but my laughter wasn’t just because of the humor of the situation.

Yes, I felt guilty. At least a little bit, and I won’t pretend I didn’t. After all he’d asked for my help and… even if I didn’t owe him my time, he’s still a friend and if I’d known he wanted to be looked after after… well, I can’t undo the past.

I crouched down in front of him and held a paper towel against his face that I’d turned into an improvised cold compress by wrapping it around a few cubes of ice. “We’ll get that swelling down in a cold minute.” I said, and he nodded, wincing under the press of ice. I was good with magic, but that didn’t mean I could do everything.

And that made me feel worse.

“I can handle it.” He mumbled.

“You shouldn’t have to handle it.” I said maybe a little sharper than I needed to.

He didn’t say anything back.

The silence stretched on between us while I held the compress, “Hold that, then give me a minute.” I said and when he gave a mute nod, accepting the compress, I went to my bathroom, opened my medicine cabinet, and took out two tablets. These were safe for humans to use, but they weren’t from Earth. I’ve used them on occasions when I’ve held a shape for longer than I should have, doing that leaves us with hangover-like symptoms, and a little pain medication works wonders.

It’ll serve the same purpose here. I held the two pills out to Jin, who accepted them and waited. I filled a plastic cup with water from the sink, the long hum of the water went on while the cup filled and the running noise broke the quiet.

I handed him the cup, he popped the pills into his mouth and drank the water to wash them down.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked after taking the improvised compress back and applying a little more pressure.

“I don’t know… it’s embarrassing…” He mumbled, “Getting beaten up is less painful…” He mumbled.

Humans and their pride. I understand it, but it seems a bit silly to me. Like those stupid dictators we have to put down every now and then. No matter how many times it happens, some idiot always thinks they’re the Universe’s favorite pet and nothing bad can happen to them, until we happen to them.

“Alright, listen, tell your mother you’re not feeling well, don’t let her see you like this, she’ll worry. Then tell her you’re going to bed early, alright? First thing in the morning, come to my apartment. Got me?” I repeated myself.

“What are you going to do…? Don’t talk to the school!” He hastened to add, “That’ll just make things worse, I’m not a snitch!” He shouted, shaking like I’d horrified him.

I shook my head. “No, not that. Don’t worry about it, just keep your promise to me, things will get settled with those guys, and everything will work out.” I promised.

He still looked doubtful, but when my smile became the picture of a happy predator, he didn’t ask me anything more.

After he saw that, I doubt he wanted to know what I had in mind… and if you want my opinion, he chose wisely in embracing discretion.