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Spooky Samhain Side Dish: Patch Notes

Spooky Samhain Side Dish: Patch Notes

The entirety of the godly peak was in chaos, since the Deus Ex Machina had gone active there had been a knock-on effect on pretty much every system the gods utilized to keep the world in balance. A sea had for a brief time turned polka-dot, luckily that particular issue had been easily rectified before anybody but a few very tipsy sailors noticed what had happened. (The punishments given to the sailors in question were later immortalised in shanty form, alongside the question of how to handle them) .

A forest had decided to go walkabouts, much to the horror of a local usurper whose reign was tied to whether or not said forest could pay a visit to his recently claimed castle, which unfortunately for him, it could now. Even more unfortunately for him, they took to doing so repeatedly, usually with religious pamphlets, or catalogs that they got from who knows where. (Nobody really knows where said pamphlets actually come from, though it may be that they are a manifestation from a particularly malicious group of fae. Who deliberately create them to appear next to the most unwelcome individuals in a particular area, alongside an undefeatable compulsion to deliver said pamphlets to the people who will most object to being subjected to them.)

The Protodragon species had somehow been revived, yet still labelled as extinct, and frankly, none of the angels dared to take a look as whether they were dead or alive the result was going to be a lot of all-nighters.

Then there were the alligators that had spontaneously formed in the sewers under multiple cities, that had been given the flag of granting cursed oracles, alongside natural camouflage abilities. That had been a real headache, as there were genuine freaking ALLIGATORS in the sewers, and no matter how often the workers reported them nobody believed what they were being told, and they would also be damn near impossible to spot unless somebody told you they were there, which.... well you get the idea.

But none of the resultant problems had proven as much of a challenge or a danger to the existence of the universe at large as this particular error. A particular orange spherical squash had somehow been labelled with an essential tag, now usually that wouldn’t be an issue as predation would still be a possible exploit, but frankly, they were hardly the most edible things out there, so removal via predation was hardly likely to resolve much here.

To make matters worse, at some point during the creation of this particular gourd, an apprentice had apparently made an error in the possible uses for said plant, and had accidentally spelled grate, as great. Resulting in the problem of a very irate pumpkin king, trying to rouse his very sedentary subjects to open rebellion. Which would have been rather more effective, had his subjects not been.... well..... regular pumpkins.

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However given that the state of sentience for most things in that world was somewhat flexible thanks to construct magic, combined with pumpkins being considered on the more magical side as far as squash, or indeed vegetables in general, go, and the whole bonuses said orange monarch gained, both from his title and being pretty much the only one of his kind currently in existence, it was decided that taking drastic precautionary measures was the only solution.

First off they called in a team of the best celestial++ coders out there, alongside a number of amateurs who were far more likely to do the actual spotting, as they practically oozed code from every pore. Then for advice on tackling the whole pumpkin issue, the goddess Gourdammet, goddess or gourds, squashes, and for reasons nobody wanted to explain, unfortunate accidents in earshot of impressionable children. Between them, they came up with a plan.

The first stage was to ensure that most pumpkins were impossible to flag as animate, but that was pretty much a stopgap measure, as we all know as soon as you decide to restrict a coder from doing something they take it as a personal slight, and will do anything in their power to remove said block with more enthusiasm than a hyperactive plumber.

Next was to ensure that pumpkins were incapable of gaining anything intellectually that would allow their wisdom to exceed the cognitive capabilities of a brick, or two average, run-of-the-mill, house politicians. Between those two steps, that should go a long way towards preventing gourd-related conquest.

Of course, neither of these measures would work on the pumpkin monarch, as they were a unique entity, with an essential flag. (If the angels ever found out who the hell put that flag in place they would likely decide to plant it in an alternate, and rather poorly lit alternate location, probably edgewise.) The monarch in question seemed rather determined to ensure his species became predominant and would stop at nothing to ensure his goal was met. So Gourdmmet had her hands forced and began creating a predator to restore the balance. She gave it a tongue like a razor, and terrible talons, a voice to strike fear into the heart, and a terrifying stare. Then she added in an unnatural urge to consume pumpkin, but to ensure the species did not go extinct, she limited the cravings to a single season and made sure there were rules to how they could be consumed.

She granted her creation a human form, so they could walk in the human world, without concern, but ensured they would brook no nonsense, nor would they fear, or doubt themselves. They had a task to complete after all. Though she did fear that she had made her new creation rather short-tempered.

She looked once more upon her work, horrified by what she must do. But the balance of the world was at stake, then with a heavy heart she unleashed them upon the world. Thus the first Karen stepped forth, it sought PUMPKIN.

Thus the great pumpkin patch was applied, and the Pumpkin King learned fear, fleeing the world, knowing that somewhere out there, somebody who would truly worship him awaited his arrival.

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