9. ALWAYS EXPECT OWLS.
Mibbet’s blood ran cold as the entire forest echoed with a familiar-sounding screech. Only one creature sounds like that. “What did I tell you?” she asked Rosalind with a groan. “Always expect bloody owls; I shouldn’t have let my guard down.”
“Calm down”, Rosalind replied. “That noise was clearly a bear, and the guards are more than capable of handling that. But just to be safe, you may want to get Choppy ready”. Sure enough, the guards were already readying shields and long spears to deal with the intrusion. When that thing burst through the under brush, charging the guards.
Mibbet took one look at the emerging owl-bear with a screech of horror. “Owls and bears together? What kind of sick, sick world lets that happen? How, WHY?” She shrieked, unslinging Choppy from her back and leaping clear (that was to give the guards room or something? Honest.) She took another step back and examined the horrifying monstrosity before her. It was the size of a...... well, bear. With a wide fanged beak, "Couldn’t it just have had fangs or a beak? Having both is totally greedy, and how the hell does that even happen.” She asked herself.
“This is why you never get two wizards drunk in the same room, they egg each other on, and suddenly they whip out the monstrosities.” Rosalind sighed while Mibbet looked at the nice, safe looking, Owl-Bear free carriage. But then, seeing the horses anxiously prancing about and having no desire to be in a runaway carriage, she reconsidered, just as a second screeching roar from behind spooked them into bolting.
“Well, there goes that plan,” Mibbet muttered. “You said the guards could handle one of these creatures... What are their odds against two?”
“Better than yours if you don’t concentrate.“ Rosalind shot back as the second Owl-bear broke cover and sunk its claws into Mibbet's leg.
Now, not many people know this, but so long as all flight options are gone, a frog is quite capable of turning their instincts to fight (just usually said frog either has a better chance jumping away or is already lunch before they even know it.) Plus, frogs aren’t traditionally pumped full of adrenaline, dealing with a bloodthirsty princess occupying their brain, or armed with an axe. So Mibbet turned and, using Choppy, gave the amazed avian ursine abomination what can only be described as a “heckin bad snoot boop.”
Sir Humphrey pounced and landed on the owl-bear in full plate armour upon spotting the Princess's perilous predicament at that exact moment. Now, as previously mentioned, Sir Humphrey was built along traditional lines, and when he landed on something, it tended to stay landed on.
Stolen novel; please report.
The owl-bear, not expecting to be body-slammed by about 250lbs (before the armour) of Sir Humphrey, gave a surprised Squroark (you try imitating the sound an owl-bear makes when surprised sometime, let’s see how you do.) Released its hold on its prey and started to try desperately to shift the unexpected armoured imposition.
Mibbet, meanwhile, was quite done running (of course, her inability to outrun 2 owls OR bears may have been a contributing factor.) Rosalind was in her head screaming for blood and vengeance, and they had the full rage of generation on generation of being turned into owl chow, and now she was in the mood for a little bit of payback.
“This is for great uncle grog, you hopless bastard.” She screamed as she bounded forward, raising choppy high then slamming down from a leap with her whole body weight behind it (not that that was a lot), right on the owl-bear's taloned paw. Leaping clear once more as a massive clawed limb swiped the air where she had just been.
“Oh globbits”, she muttered, but it was too late to turn back now, and Sir Humphrey was doing an admirable job of holding on, hacking away with his sword at the owl-bear's neck. She ran up once more, driving her axe down on her target's skull as the creature finally dislodged Sir Humphrey, so he hammered into a tree (subsequently passing through it and the one behind before coming to a stop.)
Unfortunately for Mibbet, this happened just as Choppy embedded itself in the thickest skull outside of the sphere of politics. Equally, unfortunately, she did not have the good sense to let go. “You are not, getting Choppy; he’s mine”, she snarled, holding on for dear life (which in the circumstances was a very fitting description.)
The outraged Owl-bear bucked and reared, in a valiant attempt to dislodge the rather more spicy than expected meal, vowing to itself as soon as it got a hold of this bloody creature it was PELLETS. But try as it might, it couldn’t seem to dislodge her, and its paws couldn’t reach the flailing creature that appeared to have lodged itself in its head. Eventually, sheer panic caused it to ram head first into a tree that was somewhat better rooted than expected. Half knocking itself out in the process, giving a few of the guards with long spears the opportunity needed to run in and finish it off with a spear thrust before helping the princess to dislodge her weapon and dismount.
Meanwhile, seeing their companion Owl-bear fall made the other even angrier as it charged the shield wall again and again. But mercifully, it was clearly running out of steam as the spearman stepped up once more. Mibbet stayed well out of it this time; as the second attacker was finished off, she slipped away to check on her knight in rusty armour.
A quick examination showed that Sir Humphrey was bruised, battered, dented, but otherwise unharmed, and rather touched the Princess had assisted him in battle.
“I’ve decided”, he stated. “Your highness, it seems battle suits you; I will personally speak to your father and get you proper training.”
Mibbet, of course, was less than enthusiastic about the idea, but any attempts to dissuade him resulted in him insisting she was “too humble.” As Mibbet desperately tried to seek an excuse, any excuse to prevent herself from meeting a terrible fate, the bushes rustled once more, as a ferocious predator lurched from cover, and like the ferocious beast it was grabbed Mibbet's ankle, with a teeny tiny............. Squroark.