“Stop, stop, I wasn’t doing nuffink, I don’t know nuffink, I’m innocent I tell ya, innocent, I was just minding me own business when the door fell open. I don’t have nuffink neither, just let me go,” Dave squealed like a pig that just got prodded with a poker. He squirmed and wriggled to get free, but given that there was a construct on one side, and an owl-bear on the other he was definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place.
This situation confused Mibbet for two major reasons, firstly what the hell were they rambling about? Second how in the world did she somehow know his name was Dave, and why did her brain automatically want to add the suffix “dodgy”?
“That’s dodgy Dave, everybody knows Dave” Rosalind sighed, “if you dropped into the blackest pit of hell the demons would probably know Dave, and even they couldn’t tell you why or how. I think there’s some kind of magic involved, though I have no idea what kind of sick and twisted mind would cook up Dodgy Dave, maybe one of the gods lost a bet or something.”
“But we’ve never been here before how do you know Dave?” Mibbet asked aghast. This entire situation was rapidly becoming confusing.
“Well not THIS Dave obviously, but dodgy Dave’s are somewhat interchangeable, you know one you know them all.”
Mibbet reached into the mental folder labelled “nope”, but finding it too packed for any more entries she settled for a groan. She asked herself yet again why humans had to be so complicated, can just one of them exist without twisting the laws of reality into a pretzel? Just one, even if just for the novelty value.
“OK OK Relax, we aren’t going to hurt you, we just want some answers, and we’re happy to pay for any information you can provide.
Dave instantly went as white as a sheet, he looked like somebody had suggested he sell his granny. (Usually, if a Dave had such a relative he would actually likely consider it, but in this case, he looked as horrified as a normal person when a pensioner-related business transaction is proposed.) “I don’t want nuffink, I don’t know nuffink, just let me go.” He howled.
“A Dave turning down money? That’s impossible.” Rosalind muttered. “Something must have just scared him that much, and we have to find out what. The problem is how do you get anything out of him without bribing him. We could get him drunk, but nothing should ever be subjected to a drunk Dave, the bar owner would demand compensation.”
You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.
Sir Leeroy took up position as it became clear Dave was thinking about making a break for it. He knew there was one other way of getting facts out of a Dave, and that was to scare him. The other locals definitely weren’t talking, and they needed answers. “Alright, we won’t pay you, we aren’t who you think we are, but let’s try this, tell us what is going on in town and we’ll let you go, after leaving you a bag of items you can sell, and since we’re nice we’ll even drop the charges.”
“Wot charges? Wot yer talkin about?” Dave asked, his face suddenly looking incredulous. It was hard to tell if it was because he genuinely believed he was innocent of the latest thing or if he was just that used to proclaiming his innocence regardless of any evidence to the contrary. Or, and this did seem the most likely option, the list of potential crimes was just so long he genuinely wasn’t sure what he was been accused of today.
“Entry without permission into a carriage transporting two Princesses for a start, attempted robbery of a royal for another, We could try for Lese Majeste, but both The Princesses hate that one, after all, it makes it so much harder to kick the hell out of the scumbags who deserve it if said scumbags have to watch their manners. Better to let them shoot their mouths off until they provide enough evidence all by themselves right? Also, they find it much more satisfying to get into a fight than play silly word games. Oh just so you know, the sentence for either of the prior crimes is the same as the charge for treason, so I hope you weren’t too attached to your head.”
Dave’s hands suddenly clutched his neck, he definitely did not like the idea of beheading. As empty as his head was he still needed one, and despite all evidence to the contrary he actually considered himself quite handsome. (Many other people would probably agree but only in the sense that his face pretty much-invited hand prints from any girl he flirted with, which was pretty much any girl he was in the presence of for any serious length of time.) “Wot if I answer your questions? Will yer let me go?”
“That depends on if the answers are true and accurate and useful. Help us out here and we’ll make sure to set you up with a way to become very rich. Lie to us and you’ll be arrested, not on the charges previously listed because they are excessive, instead, instead we’ll investigate every petty crime you ever committed, and go from there, Understand?
Dave did some mental arithmetic, or at least tried to, and wracked his brain for all the petty crimes, then realised that pretty much every crime in his long and dubious career could be considered petty, either in scale or in reasons the crime was committed, when you worked all that out his sentence would go on for eternity, maybe if he wasn’t executed the charges regarding royals would lead to a shorter stretch inside. So in a rare display of common sense, he nodded.
“I’ll tell yer everyfink I know, where ya want me ter start?”
“How about we start with the mercantile bank, and go from there,” Mibbet suggested, doing her best to give a friendly smile. Though to most people, it looked more like a hungry predator eyeing their prey.