DIPLOMATIC EFFECTS / CH. 8:TENANTS
EDGE OF LAKE THUN, SWITZERLAND, 8AM. SATURDAY 18TH JAN 2278
“Arianne, did you tell your parents you're coming?” Svetlana asked.
“Yes, highness.”
“Oh call me Claire, please! And your brother will be there?”
“Yes, and René's fiancée will be there in time to go to lunch, like you suggested.”
“Good. And lunch is arranged, Krista?”
“Yes, Claire,” Krista smiled.
“Wonderful. Now all we need to do is get to Monaco, and here's our transport.”
The submarine glided to a stop beside the jetty under her remote control, and extended its wings as gang-planks.
“Why do we need to go so early?” Rudolph asked, yawning.
“To avoid too many eyes, of course. And I'm selfishly letting you share my jet-lag. Or submarine lag, if you prefer. All aboard, just follow me on the wing.” Once they were inside Svetlana added “and also to do some shopping.”
“Shopping?” Rudolph asked.
“Of course. I want my friend to meet my cousin in some new clothes.”
“What?” Arianne shrieked.
“Please don't back out now. It's all arranged.”
“What is all arranged?”
“At about ten, my cousin will take his late-morning walk, as is his custom, and come down to Basse-Monaco, since he knows I'll be there. And I will tell him I'd been meaning to come sometime, but I'd met you last night at the Christian Union and I'd begged you to make me and Rudolph some ice-cream, and I wanted to talk to your brother too so we came today.”
“And your cousin doesn't know I'll be there?”
“He knows I'll be at the ice cream stand-house, talking to my tenants and hoping to introduce Rudolph to the delights of fresh hand-made ice-cream.”
“And then you're taking us to lunch?”
“Well, yes, that was the plan, then cousin Hervé declared otherwise. You did tell René to make sure his girlfriend was dressed for a good restaurant, didn't you? We're eating at the palace.”
“I'm not sure I said good. I'm not sure the palace counts as a good restaurant, either.”
“Well, don't say we're eating at the palace, I've noticed people panic then. But feel free to tell her she's going to be eating with me and my new friend prince Rudolph, but don't go spending any money, and it's not an evening dress sort of thing.”
“You're going to be wearing what you're wearing now?”
“Well, no. The nice thing about this vehicle is it's got cupboard space. But I don't think Krista's planning to change, are you?”
“No, Claire.”
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ARIANNE'S HOME, 9.30AM, SATURDAY 18TH JAN 2278
“Bonjour, Monsieur, Madame Dubois,” Svetlana said, as they arrived, “Don't berate Arianne for spending money on clothes, I took her shopping. Don't berate her for not telling you about another guest either. She didn't know I invited my cousin to visit too. I hope you don't mind. You remember the young man Arianne gave ice cream to in his bare hands?”
“Yes, your highness. And the mess it made of his clothes and the floor. I hope you will not repeat the exercise, Arianne!”
“No Mama,” Arianne said, “Not unless he insists.”
“Even then! I do not care if he were a king, he's not dripping ice-cream on my floor again!”
“Ah, Madame Dubois, you are a brave woman, to defy even a king!” Svetlana said, smiling, “now, let me introduce my good friend prince Rudolph of Switzerland, and my travelling companion, Krista, daughter of my father's valet.”
“Welcome to our humble home, your highness, Krista.” The house was the final one in the street that led to the beach, and had three small bedrooms upstairs and the living room they were now in downstairs. Svetlana had seen old pictures and plans: originally the house had boasted an immaculate lawn which extended across what was now the beach access, with a patio looking over the sea, a small pool and a private jetty. That was all gone, and in its place was a slope down to the beach for small boats that could be launched from a hand-pushed trailer, and a few parking spaces M. Dubois could rent out at a suitable price depending on the season. What garden it had left was under constant threat of invasion of sand and tourists seeking a short-cut; of course, the only plants that could grew were salt-tolerant species. But, Mme Dubois still managed to grow some pretty flowers.
With the indignity to its immediate environs, the house had become part of Basse-Monaco, and the Dubois family were Svetlana's only permanent residents. The low rent and income stream had attracted M. Dubois's father, and the family was still here.
“You have come for your rent, Highness?” M. Dubois asked.
“Only in the traditional, edible form, M. Dubois.” Svetlana said smiling, “I'm afraid I have rather promised my friends a special treat.”
“I will make it, Mama,” Arianne said, as her mother started to go to the kitchen, “Princess Claire wished to speak to you and papa.”
“Now, first, you know I have other titles, but please do not tell anyone about them. As princess Claire I have some freedom, and I value that.” René and his parents agreed, “Now, I have just done an informal survey of the tourists walking the beach, and I am sure you have done your own surveys. They would appreciate a tea-room, where they can warm up out of the wind.”
“We have often spoken together of it, Highness, but we could not afford to build such a place.”
“You have the money you have put aside for rent. Would it be enough?”
“But that is your money, Highness!”
“And the ice-cream shack is my ice-cream shack, according to my records. I don't know what went wrong, but it was supposed to be a five year trial. What I want to know is, if there was somewhere nice, with seats and warmth in winter, and seats and shade in summer, and of course plumbing, would there be enough custom to pay for the heating and your time?”
“I am sure, highness. There would be enough custom.” Embarrassed, he added, “I know it was not very correct, but we have served in the kitchen, when the weather is bad. As for what went wrong... we had a very good summer one year and my father begged and begged the city authorities, but they would not grant planning permission, not even to put up a roof for shade. They said 'Non, the beach is the beach, we cannot let you build there, you would have to talk to the king for special permission.'”
“They were right, M. Dubois, but they were wrong. They could not grant planning permission, they have no authority here at all. But it was not to the king he should have appealed, but to my grandmother, and now you must ask me. Your father had plans drawn up?”
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“Oui! René, bring the green box the Princess's account is in.”
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Svetlana studied the plans. They were modest, obviously done to a minuscule budget. Really it was little more than a permanent tent covering some concrete tables.
“M. Dubois, what do you think?”
“My father wanted to keep the rain out, but could not afford more.”
“It would be stupid to heat this,” René said, his first contribution to the conversation. “Highness, we will need to redesign. Do we use the same procedure as for the city, but ask for your approval?”
“Tell me about the procedure for the city.”
“We find an architect for the design and the materials, we find a builder to tell us costs and timescale, we gain the approval of the water and the electricity companies and we get a soil analysis and a drainage analysis and an environmental impact analysis and a social impact analysis.”
“What is one of those?”
“Does it cause problems for the poorest people living nearby.”
“That's you, isn't it?” Svetlana asked.
“Yes, highness.”
“Does it cause you problems?”
“No!”
“Will you need more electricity?”
“Well, for the heating...”
“More than the circuit can deliver?”
“I doubt it, the neighbours heat their swimming pool, after all.”
“So, forget all of that. You're not building an office block. Do you know a trustworthy builder? Someone who builds bars beside rich people's swimming pools, and so on? We want a nice strong floor, and something insulating for walls and roof.”
“What about straw bales for the walls?” Rupert suggested, “Plastered, and fire-proofed, of course.”
“Tell me more?” Svetlana asked.
“Very insulating, they make farm buildings from them at home. Warm in winter, and if there's no heat sources inside they stay cool in summer too, as long as there's a good insulating roof on top. You have a small wall under them to keep them dry. You'd probably need fans and things, if you're going to be cooking.”
“Before anyone complains about how much space the walls will take up, remember there's a lot of beach available,” Svetlana added.
“Highness... what will this do to our rent?” Madame Dubois asked.
“Nothing until I see you starting to live better than your neighbours. By the way, do they still throw loud parties until the early hours of the morning?”
“Yes, highness.”
“Last time I was here, they were asked to not do that any more. Did they obey at all?”
“Not for long, highness,” René replied.
“And do their guests use your car-park?”
“Yes, highness, and the beach ramp, and I ask them to remove the vehicles and they say the beach belongs to everyone, and no one wants to use the ramp at night,” Mme Dubois said.
“May I have a piece of paper?”
Svetlana tore it in two and wrote on one piece of paper 'I, Princess Claire Du Basse-Monaco, hereby grant a renewable ten year licence to the Dubois family of Basse-Monaco to operate a restaurant and associated bar, sell alcohol to any customers not drunk or otherwise prohibited under the laws of Monaco, for consumption on the premises or within the boundaries of the principality of Basse-Monaco.
'The restaurant/bar shall be closed for no less than four hours in any twenty four hour period.
'License is further given for the performance of live and recorded music at any time the restaurant/bar is operation. Temporary staging may be erected on the beach of Basse-Monaco if this is deemed necessary. The Dubois family of Basse-Monaco have full right and discretion to determine the operating parameters of any artificial amplification used for the enjoyment of live musical performances.
'Without interfering with the customary access to the shore-front of Basse-Monaco, licence is also given to temporarily enclose up to one eighth of the beach for the purpose of restricting access to musical events to paying clients. Such an enclosure shall be for no more than ten days in any calendar year without explicit additional authorisation. The Royal Estates of Basse-Monaco shall require a rental fee of ten percent share of the event organisers' profits for such an event.'
She signed it, and handed it to M. Dubois. On the other piece, she wrote,
'It is hereby confirmed that M. Claude Dubois of Basse-Monaco and M. René Dubois of Basse-Monaco are our royal bailiffs, with responsibility over the parking or use of vehicles on our fiefdom and ensuring that the principality of Basse-Monaco shall not be treated as unowned land. As such, they have the right and stern duty to impound (by means of wheel clamp, chain or other appropriate means) any vehicle left unattended on the principality of Basse-Monaco without appropriate permission, or used in an inappropriate manner, or to move the vehicle should it cause an obstruction.
'Furthermore, it is today enacted that the fine for illegal parking or use of vehicles and release fee for such an impounded vehicle shall be the published parking fee plus two percent of the market value of the vehicle per twenty-four hour period or part thereof. No release of the impounded vehicle shall be made until this debt has been settled in full. Payment may be made in cash or electronically and the above-named royal bailiffs will issue a receipt on behalf our Royal Estate of Basse-Monaco.
'If unclaimed after a period of thirty days, the vehicle will be deemed abandoned and sold to recover the fees and associated processing costs. Any surplus will be split equally between the previous owner, (should they eventually come forward and identify themselves) and the Royal Estate of Basse-Monaco.
'Any threat or violence to the named bailiffs of Basse-Monaco or their relatives shall be tried in accordance with the laws and regulations of Monaco regarding the protection of ministers of the crown.
H.R.H. Claire De Basse-Monaco.'
She handed that one to Mme Dubois. “I invite your comments, and hope there's no need for corrections in spelling. I'm sure his majesty's stationers can be persuaded to produce the appropriate signs.”
“Highness... your intention is that we have the right to hold concerts here?” M. Dubois asked.
“Nice loud ones, fully at your discretion, or weddings, of course.”
“And an eighth of the beach?” Mme Dubois asked.
“I was thinking, you see, that the tourists do like to party, and when word gets round of live music on the beach then you might get too much custom, especially if you ever got approached by some better known group.
"It just saves a lot of everyone's time if you've already got authority to fence off some extra space. I wholeheartedly recommend you don't try to organise something like that yourselves. That's why I worded it like that. You personally will have the food and refreshments to take care of, and that profit will all be yours, the organiser does the hard work, takes the big risks, and the land-owner just says pay up. Make sure you stipulate that the organiser arranges extra sanitation, and so on, at their expense.”
“And you want my men impounding the neighbour's friend's sports cars?” Mme Dubois asked.
“Absolutely.” Svetlana said, “'Belongs to everyone' indeed!”
“Highness, what about campers?” René asked.
“You get them?”
“If they ask, we say no. If they don't ask, we say the police won't allow it. But they're disappointed, highness, and tired, the backpackers, I mean. And if we're bailiffs does that mean we have to move them on? It's going to be really hard if there are going to be concerts 'till late.”
“What would you plan?”
“Only a few places, some kind of fee, one night only, gone by say, nine in the morning, and they don't leave any mess,” René suggested.
“But some people use tents as sun-shades,” Mme Dubois pointed out.
“So they pick up their tent and make it a sunshade.” René countered.
“What's to stop them vanishing at dawn and leaving a mess?” Rudolph asked.
“A deposit?” M. Dubois suggested.
“OK.” Svetlana agreed. “And hand-carried tents only or an over-night parking fee?”
“Normally hand-carried tents, but permission to make exceptions?” René asked.
“Hereby granted to Madame Dubois. Madame, the sort of case I expect you to allow is exhausted parents at their wits end with a pregnant mother, and already screaming kids, OK?”
“Oui, highness, the sort of people I cannot turn away.”
“As long as you can turn away most. Now, I expect I know the response to this, René, now I've given you some extra jobs to do and not much income. Oh, by the way, if you do manage to impound any cars, you get a proportion of the release fee. Let's say fifty percent?”
“One percent per day of the value of a car, just for chaining it up?”
“And convincing the owner you're just doing your duty. Is that reasonable?”
“Very, highness.”
“Good. Well, René, your sister said you were out of work, and I thought there's always those ancient laws about you putting yourself into my service for room, board and a stipend. But I think you might not be bored and jobless, so don't worry.”
“Putting myself in your service, highness?”
“It's an ancient law. If my subject can't find work to support themselves, then can sign up to work my fields for half a year or something similar, and I provide them food and shelter and a small amount of money. Krista, do you know how much money?”
“Enough to buy half a kilogramme of meat, a kilogramme of bread and a kilogramme of turnips each day, if he works your fields near his home, double that if he is your man-at-arms or you take him more than a day's walk from home, and treble if he works as your councillor.”
“So, it's not going to make you rich. I'm sure it counts as exploitative wages, in fact. But it's your right to demand it of me.”
“And you'd be putting me to work a field somewhere?”
“Most likely some kind of guard. If I do give you field-work, then it'll be on Mars. Oh, if you're married then the offer's there for your wife too.”
“Mars?”
“Yes. So it certainly counts as double the almost-nothing.”
“Getting me to Mars would cost a fortune, your highness.”
“No, because I'm planning to go there sometime before the summer, and I do have the space-submarine. But since it is a week-long trip, if Mars is your dream destination, then for the sake of decency you and your fiancée are going as a married couple and not just back from your honeymoon either. So, I will not believe you've thought it through carefully enough if you ask to sign up in less than a week. It's voluntary serfdom, after all.”
“I thank you, highness. I think I'll stay here and help build a restaurant. Not to mention chain up some supercars. That sounds fun!”