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Diplomatic Effects / Ch. 1: Tsarevna

Diplomatic Effects

DIPLOMATIC EFFECTS / CH. 1:TSAREVNA

GULF OF FINLAND, 11.30PM, FRIDAY DECEMBER 28TH.

Jake Karella Christoph, heir to the throne of Atlantis, quietly piloted the construction sub up the fjord on the Finnish coast, and let it sink to the bottom of the sea. Then, this part of the mission accomplished, he breathed out a sigh of relief, picked up a book and started reading. Hopefully, that would be the sum total of his mission here: arrive, read a book or three, and go home again. But from here, St Petersburg was less than an hour away, and the Finnish government had been happy to allow him to wait here, just in case. Jake had got the impression from his mother they rather liked the idea that the combined forces of the Russian ice-breaking fleet might not be able to clear the harbour well enough for their troop transport to leave. If that did happen, Lamura Russia-speaker would offer the construction sub's help, and he'd have the fun task of chopping up lumps of ice with the laser. Fun in the sense of watching paint dry, since it was all going to be computer controlled. His little sister flew to Mars, he got to drive a construction sub to an isolated fjord, and read a book. He hoped.

The only bright spot Jake could think of was that he'd maybe get to play tourist in St Petersburg afterwards. He'd tried to beg his way out of it, but his mother had insisted. When he'd been half way here she'd told him that if he did get to play tourist, then she'd want him to do the whole 'eldest son of her Majesty' bit. He'd almost turned round in protest, but his mother had promised him it would be worth it. He wondered what that meant.

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EMBASSY OF ATLANTIS, ST PETERSBURG, RUSSIA, 9.30AM SATURDAY, DECEMBER 29TH.

“Your excellency, please inform Atlantis that regretfully, our ground effect vehicle will not be able to take the replacement soldiers there, and we will have to seek an alternative transportation method.”

“I'm sorry to learn that. A mechanical malfunction?”

“No, your excellency. The weather, or more precisely the ice. There is just too much of it on the sea lane the ground effect vehicle will take off from.”

“Ah. I had wondered if that would be a problem, and I'm afraid I let it slip to Atlantis. Her majesty proposes what might be an alternative solution.”

“I think the navy will not want the humiliation of Mer submarines delivering our soldiers the entire way.”

“Would they accept some help in reducing the problem of the ice, so that they can deliver the troops as planned?”

“That... that is possible I suppose. You have some wonderful technique to propose?”

“One of our construction submarines arrived in a Finnish fjord last night. I understand that while it would not be able to clear a long enough section of sea using its forcefields, its laser would be able to cut up the ice so that there was nothing larger than a tennis ball, and the final five hundred meters could be swept clear by forcefields. Would that be sufficiently safe for take off and landing?”

“I will forward the suggestion. The submarine will stay then?”

“Her majesty wondered if, while waiting, the submarine could dock and the pilot of the submarine could perhaps see the sights of your city. I understand the young man in question is a student of architecture.”

“I'll find out if that would be possible. Your construction sub-marines do have a formidable reputation, though.”

“This is a single boat, if you are referring to the operation some months ago in the Beautiful peninsular, I believe that involved six or seven. Yes, I expect it could do a lot of damage to the ships in the harbor, but we are a peace-loving people. You have my oath that her Majesty is not planning any such barbaric act.”

“And what of the pilot himself?”

“The prince would not bring such shame on his queen, I assure you.”

“The pilot is your prince?”

“Yes.”

“I will, if I may, pass this on.”

“Of course.”

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GULF OF FINLAND, 10AM RUSSIAN TIME, SATURDAY, DECEMBER 29TH

[Hey, sleepyhead, wake up, Jake.] Karella called.

[Just a bit more doze, mum? Please? It's something like five A.M.!]

[Shift time zones, Jake, it's ten in Russia, duty calls.]

[The sun's not up.]

[You're under-water, in a north-south fjord, and you're pretty close to the arctic circle, too. Up you get, put on your smart clothes, you've got people to meet. You'll first go to the port, accept a passenger and an interpreter since your Russian's not that great and nor is your passenger's English.]

[Who's my passenger?]

[First a question. What do you think of the whole concept of dynastic marriage?]

[Not interested. You're not saying the Tsar's got a daughter are you?]

[Yes. Official title is Tsarevna. She's expressed an interest in seeing the inside of a Mer submarine, and I caught the idea from her that she is interested in the idea of marriage somewhere a long way from home.]

[Things that bad there?]

[She's not impressed with her big brother, anyway. She's seventeen, and I'd say open to the gospel but not a Christian.]

[This is why you said it'd be worth it?]

[Not at all. I was thinking you'd like to see the architecture, and meet an old friend.]

[Who?]

[Your tenth cousin Karella, of course.]

[{shock}She's there?]

[Visiting her dad for Christmas. She'll be interpreting.]

[I've not seen Karella in two years.]

[I know that. I'm just wondering why not.]

[Urm, we agreed it would be sensible. Does she know I'm driving this thing?]

[Not as far as I know.]

[Can you keep it that way?]

[Not for long. Why?]

[Urm... personal reasons, your majesty?] he tried.

[I'm your mother, Jake.]

[I know that, mum.]

[Are you saying you two thought you were in love, or you hated each other?]

[We didn't hate each other, Mum.]

[So why don't you want her to know?]

[Because I don't want her going through the whole 'will he still like me?' 'what should I wear?' torture. Or think she's breaking an oath.]

[Breaking an oath?] It was Karella's time to be shocked.

[We got worried about where our emotions were going. Her three classmates had just been jelly-fished. We took an oath to leave it to chance or providence and not plan our next meeting.]

[So, what do I tell her father?]

[Urm. as little as possible of the above, I guess. And that I'll try to avoid insulting the Tsar's daughter.]

[OK, I'll tell him. The Tsar's daughter might be a chatterbox, though.]

[Oh. Do you think you should tell her? I can't think straight.]

[You're still in love.] Karella told her son.

[Can I be? After two years?]

[You didn't write either?]

[Christmas and birthdays only. We agreed that too. And stuck to it, sort of. We decided we could each write on each birthday.]

[I see. I'll talk to her father.]

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[Lamura,] Karella called.

[Your Majesty.]

[Have you told Karella who's piloting the construction sub?]

[No. I'd forgotten when I asked her to interpret that was history between them which ended in tears. I think she's much less likely to kick up a stink if she doesn't know. She can do professional and detached.]

[OK. That's good, probably.]

[Probably?]

[Anyway, Jake says he'll try to not insult the Tsarevna, and we can hope our children can put a patient diplomatic face on things.]

[I'm confused, Karella.] Lamura said.

[Would you mind if I talked to her?]

[Not at all, Karella.]

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[Karella? I am Karella Farspeaker.]

[{surprise}Your Majesty!]

[Your father tells me you're going to be interpreting for the Tsarevna.]

[Yes.]

[Have you met her before?]

[Yes, once or twice. She's OK, in a rather spoilt sort of way.]

[OK. The pilot doesn't like spoilt, but has promised me that he'll try very hard to be polite to her, I get the feeling that might be hard for him, just so you know. She's not a thought hearer is she?]

[No.]

[That'll help then. Do try to be polite to her, too, dear.]

[I'm confused, your majesty.]

[Just remember that you and the pilot are representing our people, and the last thing we want is for her to run home in tears to her Daddy. So patience, diplomacy, tact, and so on.]

[I'll try.]

[Well done. And wear something you think is nice, I'm sure she will be doing the same. Sorry, I've got to go.]

[Who is the pilot?] Karella asked. She didn't get an answer.

Most bemused, she went to her cupboard and tried to decide which of her clothes she thought of as 'nice'. Not 'elegant', or 'glamorous' but 'nice'. Nice for a submarine, and nice for standing beside a frozen sea. Beside the Tsarevna, who liked to turn heads. Hmm, what a confusing morning it was turning out to be.

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[Jake,] Karella called, [I hope you're moving as well as grooming yourself.]

[Yes mum, autopilot is engaged.]

[I've told Karella you're going to be diplomatic, and she should be too. Patience, diplomacy and tact. OK? And she doesn't know you're the pilot.]

[Thanks Mum. Why are you awake?]

[Because someone needed a wake-up call, remember? And you weren't responding to calls by radio.]

[Probably something to do with it being turned off for silent running.]

[I thought so. Anyway you have two young ladies to meet and be polite to.]

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ST PETERSBURG HARBOUR, 11AM, SATURDAY, DECEMBER 29TH

“I suppose you have been on your submarines many times?” The Tsarevna asked.

“Yes,” Karella said, “But not on a construction submarine. They're something special.”

“You don't think it will be dirty inside, do you?” The Tsarevna asked, having second thoughts about her long glamorous dress.

“Why would it be dirty? No. I expect it will be very clean.”

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“I'm glad. Do you know him?”

“Who?”

“The pilot.”

“No one has told me who he is yet,” she shot a look at her father who was studiously not noticing their conversation.

“No? I was told.”

“Would the Tsarevna care to enlighten me?”

“It is your Tsesarevich. Is he handsome?”

“I don't think I know that term.”

“Your queen's eldest son. Your next king.”

“Jake?” Karella asked, “Jake Karella Christoph is the pilot?” She demanded of her father in Mer.

“Yes, Karella. You can be polite to him even if you don't like him, I'm sure,” Lamura said, in the same language.

“You know him?”

“Yes. He is my cousin,” Karella said, with the other Karella's comments falling into place. And she decided she was very pleased with the outfit she'd chosen. “We played together often as children.”

“Your cousin? I did not know you were so close to the crown!”

“Distant cousin, I should say. In English tenth cousin, twelve generations.”

“Oh, not so close, then,” the Tsarevna laughed.

“Not close at all, but I can still call him cousin. It used to annoy him.”

“Why?”

“Because we are a small population. If I picked any five or six Mer, two would probably be tenth cousin or closer.”

“So really, you are not relations at all?”

“Really, we have not seen each other in two years, so I do not know if he is handsome or spotty.”

“Ah. And your question to your father?”

“My father told me to be polite. I think he believes I do not like my cousin.”

“But you do?” the Tsarevna asked, and Karella heard her decide that maybe she had a rival.

“I don't know,” Karella said, perfectly honestly. “I've not met him in two years. People change.”

“You used to like him?”

“Two years ago, his mother was not Queen, Tsarevna.” Karella said, “I think my liking him is not so important as it was. Here comes the submarine.”

The submarine bumped gently against the wharf, and then stopped any sign it was floating at all; forcefield anchors made sure of that. An arm unfolded from the side of the submarine, and touched the wharf. Karella heard the familiar gentle snap of a forcefield coming into existence. Then, the hatch opened and a head popped out. Karella heard his familiar mental voice decide she looked gorgeous. In English, Jake said, “Tsarevna, my cousin Karella, welcome aboard. The forcefield gang-plank is a metre wide and to the rear of the arm. Please don't step off it.”

It was just about acceptable for him to call her his cousin like that. It was English after all; but he clearly wanted to send Karella a message. She wondered what her father thought of the intimacy though. She deliberately decided that Jake needed reminding to be polite to the Tsarevna.

“Have you ever walked on one of our forcefields before, Tsarevna?” Karella asked, “they're not slippery. Assuming his royal highness hasn't made a bad mistake and used the wrong sort.”

“Would I risk dumping two beautiful ladies in the water?” Jake asked.

“Tell you what, Jake.” Lamura suggested, “Why don't you be a gentleman and accompany the ladies up that invisible gangplank?”

“That way, when one of us falls in we can pull you in too,” Karella said, “Can't you make it glow or something, so we can see the thing, Jake?”

“No, sorry. But wait a moment, I've got an idea.” He vanished back into the submarine and came back with a ball of string. This, he then looped back and forward multiple times, so it was hanging over the left and right edges of the gangplank. “Sufficient, Kar?” he asked in Mer.

“Tsarevna, do you feel you can safely reach the submarine?” Karella asked.

“I believe so, especially if our pilot will accompany me?” she asked in English.

“Certainly, your highness,” Jake said, offering his arm. Karella heard her decide that was a victory over Karella. Patience, diplomacy, tact. No darts or knives.

“Kar,” Jake asked in Mer as he arrived at the submarine, “I don't think I should leave her on board alone. Can you manage?”

“Of course I can. I'll bring your string too.”

“Please take a seat here, Tsarevna,” Jake said indicating a seat near the arm controls — he'd decided that would be the safest seat — “And please, don't touch any panels or pictures, they might be controls. It would be embarrassing to explain to your father how you sunk some of his ships by accident.” Hearing Karella on the steps he returned to them. Offering her his hand, he thought [I had no idea you'd be here, but it's so nice to see you again at last.]

[Patience, diplomacy, and tact, your mother said.]

[The Tsarevna's mind contains none of the above,] he replied. “Can I sit you at the scan panel, Karella?” he indicated the seat, and then asked “Karella, could I ask you to please pray for our ice-cutting trip to be successful? The Russian ambassador's parents and future parents-in-law will be flying out with the soldiers. Mother is sure they don't want to spend days in-transit.”

“Of course,” Karella agreed, and translated what Jake had said. She was privately impressed. Jake had just established that his reason for being here was not a social call and that he and Karella shared faith, hopefully without being at all offensive. She prayed.

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ST PETERSBURG HARBOUR, 11.15AM, SATURDAY, DECEMBER 29TH

Having checked and double checked everything was correct according to his map, and anchored the submarine in place,

Jake said into the radio, “Harbor control, I believe we are in position. If you can confirm that we'll begin. Please warn all shipping to stay away from the designated take-off area.”

“My radar shows you as approximately half way down the airstrip.”

“Approximately, or exactly?”

“Close enough.”

“OK, I am now going to illuminate the perimeter of the area that will cleared. Please confirm it's correct.”

“It is good, very good.”

“Thank you, harbor control. Ice cutting will begin now.” Jake checked the first five targets the computer had selected, and engaged the cutting beam.

Five more targets were automatically selected and sliced. Jake then told it to designate fifty targets, checked they were in the perimeter and let it slice them. That took ten seconds. He told it to identify five hundred targets. His display turned red, but all were all in the designated area. He instructed it start. Satisfied that it was ignoring targets if they left the area, a minute later, he put it onto full automatic.

“Welcome to the scary bit of the operation,” he said.

“Why scary?” Karella asked.

“Because there's always a risk that some idiot decides to wander into the cutting area. Please do keep an eye on that scanner, Kar. Your display covers more area than mine.”

“Oh. Right.”

The Tsarevna looked at the panel beside her and asked, “what does this panel do?”

“I'll be using that one soon, Tsarevna. That one controls forcefields. With it we could, for instance, make a forcefield rod more than ten kilometers long, it would expand at a third of the speed of light, have the inertia behind it of this submarine and a diameter of less than a millimeter. There is no question it would punch through anything and anyone in the way. Alternatively we can make a flat forcefield up to half a kilometer diameter. That will slice people or things in half, or if I'm careful, push all the ice out of this area of sea. It is a useful tool, but like all useful tools, dangerous.” Karella translated and the Tsarevna firmly put her hands in her lap.

“And then we leave and the area for the ground effect vehicle to leave?”

“No. We stay as long as we can, to stop the ice from returning, and then disable the forcefields and submerge.”

“Oh! How clever!” she enthused, “you have been driving a submarine like this for long?”

“Not very. I am training to be an architect, and was taught as part of my studies.”

“Oh. But one of your normal submarines?” she asked.

“Since I was eight,” he said.

“Oh! So it is not hard! How would I learn to pilot one?”

“I am sorry, Tsarevna, I do not think you have natural sonar.” Karella replied, rather than translating, “That is necessary to pilot one of our submarines.”

“But you have sonar there.”

“Not for navigation,” Karella said, “This is only two dimensional. And also, our submarines are not for sale to non-Mer.”

“The Tsesarevich could give me one as a gift,” she replied.

“I will translate our conversation, Tsarevna,” Karella said, and as she did she added in a neutral tone that she wasn't going to dare to respond to that on her own.

Jake replied, using English, “Regrettably, Tsarevna, I do not have the wealth to purchase one, nor the authority to override our law which prohibits such an act of generosity. I will speak of your request to my mother.”

She didn't wait for the translation but asked “How much would a submarine cost you?”

“One this size, or a small one?” The construction submarine was the size of a twelve berth one.

“Whichever,” she replied, in English, raptly staring at his features and fluttering her eyelashes at him.

“Our smallest submarine, which would have space for two parents and a single child would cost five hundred thousand pearls in our currency. That is to say, the equivalent of five hundred kilograms of gold.”

“It is impolite to make fun of people,” she snapped in Russian.

“Tsarevna,” Karella replied, “The alloy our submarines are made from contains a lot of gold. The prince does not joke. Families collect gold when they can, and try to save enough gold to buy one, often for twenty or thirty years.”

“I have asked for a greater gift than I knew,” she said in English. Jake expected her to then say 'sorry' or something similar, but she didn't, instead she went on and said, “Sometimes, through such a mistake, the greatest gifts a man and woman can offer one another are discussed and eventually exchanged.”

“I am sure you are right, Tsarevna, but the greatest gift of all is to know God, and that only comes though faith in Jesus. But when one accepts that gift then there is an implicit or explicit oath of allegiance.”

The switch from her thinly veiled hints about marriage to theology surprised her, and she asked for translation.

After Karella had translated, it still didn't really make sense to her. “I do not understand the meaning of what he implies,” she said.

“My very distant cousin implies that God rightly expects to be obeyed in all areas of life.”

“You say I do not worship God?” the Tsarevna asked Jake in English.

“I do not know, Tsarevna. You have been silent on the matter, and there are so many different spiritual statuses it is wrong to guess.” He waited for Karella to interpret. “Among our people, social status is of little account, but between men and women of different spiritual status there can never be more than friendship.”

“You judge me,” the Tsarevna said in English.

“No, Tsarevna. God is the judge, not I. I merely say that I will not invite judgement on myself by pretending to not be what I am, a Christian, saved by God's grace which I have received by trusting in Jesus Christ. As such I will marry only a believing Christian.”

Karella translated.

“So, you say, if I want you to even consider such an alliance, I must first commit myself to your understanding of God,” the Tsarevna said.

“That is correct. But while I am not married, engaged, or betrothed, I will not mislead you, Tsarevna. There is someone who is close to my heart.”

“If no promises have been made, there is no obstacle,” she said dismissively, “A superior match can override. It is political reality.”

“But Tsarevna, I am an architect, a practically minded artist. Would you expect such harsh politics from such as I?”

“I would expect grand plans, ideas, and an appreciation of beauty. And probably a frustration with inconvenient limitations.”

“But we should not challenge the created order too much, Tsarevna. It is not my people's way to take what others need, or destroy what God has created. If we enjoyed the taste of shark more, perhaps, there would be fewer sharks in the oceans, but we do not harm needlessly. We would not hunt them to extinction.”

“But doing so would save many lives, would it not?” she asked, confused where he was taking the conversation now, but determined not to give up so easily.

“It would cause many problems among the lesser sea creatures. We Mer are the apex predators of the seas. Our oldest tales speak of us being given our task of ruling over the creatures of the sea, just as you land-folk were to rule the land creatures. We try to ensure our charges thrive in their rightful places. Destroying them would be a failure in our task.”

“I wonder at the subtle point behind this turn of conversation,” the Tsarevna said.

“I thought we had left the knee-deep water of politics into the deeper waters of practical philosophy.”

“You think politics is shallow?”

“Probably our metaphors are different,” Jake said, “Knee deep water is where a shark can swim quite easily, but a Mer can neither swim easily nor run quickly. We do not like to spend long there.”

“I live in a world of politics,” she replied, “does that make me a shark?”

“I hope you are neither shark nor sharkfood, Tsarevna. But if you live in such a dangerous place, I'm sure you need your wits about you. It must be stressful. I offer you this short time, free from politics.”

“You do not think our discussions have been politics?” She asked.

“I have tried to be both honest and diplomatic, Tsarevna.”

“And those are not a pair adjectives I have heard attached on a regular basis to politicians or courtiers. I think you have succeeded. You said there is a woman with a claim on your heart. Does she feel the same way?”

“I have not asked her particularly recently, Tsarevna. But the last time we spoke of such matters, she did.”

“And you really anticipate marriage for love?” the Tsarevna asked. “Not politics, or global position or to forge an alliance or avoid a war?”

“I expect to marry for love,” Jake confirmed.

“Then, not being diplomatic, but honest: I fear you selfishly risk a war,”

Karella interpreted.

“Your father would declare war if I upset you?” Jake asked surprised.

“No, he is not so concerned about my feelings. But he has said before witnesses that if I gain one of your submarines by smiles and friendship where my brother failed by force, or if I gain your hand in marriage, bringing such a close tie between our peoples, then he will disinherit my brother for the shame he has brought on my father for ordering the attack on your ambassador on Mars and I will inherit the imperial crown. There you have heard my motives for all my actions this morning. A submarine it seems I cannot have, nor your hand in marriage because you love another and I am not of your creed. I could change my creed, but not your heart. I failed with flirting, which is hard through an interpreter, I try once more with honesty, and with a plea from my heart: do not stand by and allow my brother to inherit, or I fear there will be war between our peoples. He is greedy and thinks only of taking. Although I expect it is still futile, still, I try: I willingly offer myself to the stranger before me to stop such a terrible thing.”

Karella wasn't sure how she managed to translate that, but she did it. She feared Jake's response — whatever it might be.

“Tsarevna,” Jake said drawing a deep breath, “Thank your for your honesty. I was not aware of your brother's involvement in the attack. I was not aware of how powerfully the political waters were swirling, I am not immune to your pleas.”

Once more, Karella translated, mentally praying she'd be able to continue in this role that circumstance had assigned her.

Jake continued carefully, “I believe that any marriage between us would of absolute necessity be preceded by a treaty, would it not?”

“Of course.”

“But because of the attack, my mother, my Queen declared an oath that there will be no treaty negotiations for almost three years. She will not break an oath.”

The Tsarevna's hopes, buoyed up after his speaking of the effect her pleas had had on him, fell to tatters. She was sure that her father would not accept a wait of that long.

“But, while a treaty between nations cannot be made, perhaps another form of agreement could be entered into. Were there conditions your father made regarding the submarine? The ban on sales is to protect the submarines' secrets, but if your personal possession of one is all that is required... there might be room for discussion.”

“You think your mother would give me a half a tonne of gold?” the Tsarevna asked in shock.

“To ensure peace? It is possible. And the spaceship-submarine did not require much gold at all. I do not know what is possible, Tsarevna. Would your father feel cheated if there were no gold and you had sworn a stern oath that there would be no investigation of its secrets? Would he feel he did not need to honour his word? Would your scientists resist the temptation to investigate even though you had given your word they would not? I do not know the answer to these questions.”

The Tsarevna laughed. “I do not know if I should be insulted or relieved or amazed! I had thought that I had no hope of the submarine; I have heard that even to Israel you offer only what your treaty requires of you. I was sure the greatest hope I had of allowing my father his excuse to punish my brother - for that is what he asks — was to offer myself. But it seems you value peace and my friendship more highly than my body. Should I be insulted? I do not feel insulted. If this happens, and my brother will never inherit, you make me free, do you not? Free to marry who I choose as well as travel the oceans where I choose?”

“The sea is a dangerous place, even in a strong submarine, Tsarevna, be wise with the freedom I hope we can offer you.”

“Tsarevna, are you officially a politician, diplomat or in the military?" Karella asked.

The Tsarevna's eyes opened wide. “No, I am not any of these things.”

“Jake will be returning to Atlantis, I expect this evening or tomorrow. I'll just ask...” turning to Jake she said “The Tsarevna is not covered by the travel ban. Would you be able to take her to Atlantis, if I came as chaperone?”

“Would it not be better to say she is chaperone, beloved Karella? My feelings are not changed.”

“You worried me, saying you weren't immune to her pleas. I thought I'd lost you.”

“She worried me,” Jake said, “Do I have your permission to speak to your father this evening? I wish to be immune to such politics.”

“And we invite the Tsarevna to our wedding in Atlantis?” Karella asked.

“But first we argue for a submarine for her. Or maybe a guillemot, if she likes the idea of travel,” Jake said.

“Such technology would need the Tsar to agree that there will be no investigation.”

“Yes. But I'm sure the Tsarevna is practiced in persuading her father of things, and he respects her judgement more than her brother's. If all he wants is an excuse...”

“And all we need is a couple of vows of no peaking and peace...”

“That's not a treaty, is it?” Karella asked.

“Certainly not.” Jake agreed, laughing, “Tsarevna, you and I will have to persuade our parents of some things.”

“Yes?”

“If you can persuade your father to swear there will be no investigation of the technology and that your brother will be disinherited if you get a submarine, and if I can persuade my mother that this does not set an expensive precident, and if you will also swear to peace between your people and other nations as much as it depends on you, then I think I can persuade my mother that a space-submarine is the best option. And as this is all personal oaths, it is not a treaty.”

“It's not?”

“A treaty joins countries for centuries. This is just about establishing friendship and such things.”

“I've always wanted to visit Mars,” she said, “Now, tell me about your understanding of God.”