DIPLOMATIC EFFECTS / CH. 10:A SCOOP OF ICE-CREAM.
BASSE-MONACO SHORELINE, SATURDAY 19TH JAN 2278
“Bring him,” Princess Claire du Basse-Monaco commanded of the photographer with the long lens.
“Normally we simply burn the data crystal and slap him with a fine, highness,” the plain clothes policeman said.
“He expects that risk. I will see the pictures.”
Eventually the reporter, who had been parked illegally half a kilometer away, arrived on the beach accompanied by two burly constables.
“Do you know who I am?” she asked.
“Non, Mademoiselle.” he answered, “I recognise the prince.”
“Do you know where you are?”
“Monaco, Mademoiselle?” he said, confused at the question, “The new beach.”
“You, Monsieur, are in the semi-autonomous principality of Basse-Monaco. You are clearly ignorant of the law I signed into force this morning about illegal parking, since it has not yet been published. Tough, you knew you parked without permission, I'm sure. Is your vehicle valuable?”
“Not very. Ehh, you signed into law, Mademoiselle?”
“You are not very quick on the uptake, are you? The correct form of address for a princess is your highness. Persistent failure to show proper deference to a feudal ruler on her own fiefdom can, under the ancient laws of Monaco, get you flogged, imprisoned or reduced to serfdom.”
The policemen grinned in vicious pleasure, clearly this young woman they'd been set to protect was no pushover.
“I apologise for disrespect, and for my slow wits, your highness,” he said.
“Much better. For your education and that of your colleagues, if your vehicle gets clamped, chained or otherwise impounded for illegal parking, the release fee is two percent of the standard trade-in value of your vehicle, per twenty-four hour period or part thereof. Payment may be made electronically or in cash. Feel encouraged to pass the word around.”
“I will, your highness.”
“Now, you will show me the photographs you have taken.”
“I have rights, your highness.”
“So do I, especially here. Feel free to read up on the ancient laws of Monaco that have never been repealed. I will see if you have any that are suitable for publication. My face is not to be shown in close-up. Understand?”
“Journalistic freedom...”
“It is not my decision that my face is not to be shown in close up. My parents live and work in Russia and I am on the Tsar's list of protected people. Do you understand? It is for your protection I tell you this. You gain the Tsar's anger if you dig into my family history, you gain the Tsar's anger if you publish or even take a picture which would allow feature-tracking to be used against me, you risk the Tsar's anger if you publish any link between me and Russia. I presume you know the Tsar is not gentle with those who anger him. So, I am Princess Claire du Basse-Monaco, cousin to his Majesty Hervé du Monaco. You may describe me as publicity shy if you like, and even autocratic. However, while I am happy to be photographed in the company of my very good friend prince Rudolph of the Helvetic Republic, it is an act of extreme stupidity for a reporter to do any private digging in the areas I've spoken of.”
He got out a notebook — not real paper, but a waterproof note-taker — and wrote down her name, and asked her to confirm the spelling.
“Might I enquire as to your highness' age?”
“Nineteen.”
“Thank you, your highness.”
“Is that all you want to know?”
“Might I ask how you met?”
“Claire and I both happened to be in Atlantis over the new year,” Rudolph said, “we found out we would both be studying in St Petersburg next year and started chatting.”
“Ah... can I publish that, your highness?”
“Yes,” Svetlana said.
“May I ask what subject?”
“Economics,” Svetlana said, “both of us. Speaking of which, I will be introducing some more changes on the beach now I am legally of age. The ice-cream and snack-bar will be extended to a full restaurant and bar, hopefully by the summer, and there will also be some space allocated as a campsite, and perhaps even a youth hostel.”
“You are developing on the beach, your highness?”
“Very limited, one or two storey development, in portions not normally used for beach-goers. I am providing something for the less well-resourced holiday maker, hopefully ensuring that my tenants have a more stable income, and creating a few new jobs for local people. There will be no high-rise mega-hotels or boutique apartments here.”
“Something more family-friendly?”
“Yes, except that I have allowed for there to be some loud concerts. I expect that some times of the year will be more student-friendly than family friendly.”
“You do not see problems with the authorities?”
“Which authorities?”
“Urm, planning authorities, local council, resident's committees.”
“You forget once again, you are in the principality of Basse-Monaco, and I am princess. I have no bureaucrats to whom I have devolved my powers as my cousin has. Do you have more questions?”
“Not at the moment, Highness.”
“Good. Now you will show me the photographs you've taken on my domain.”
“Yes, Highness.”
“Oh, I see you followed my cousin, did you? Hmm, I will defer to his officers on these.”
“Delete them.” the officer said.
“Hmm. A nice picture of Arianne opening the door to my cousin. This picture you will offer to her. It is not every day the king knocks on your front door after all, but she was not in a public space so you will then destroy all copies of it.”
“Yes, your highness,” he said glumly, knowing he was in trouble for the next ones, taken through the window of the house.
“What did you think you were doing with these? Don't spout journalistic freedom to me. Answer!”
“They are saleable, your highness.”
“They are also illegal, are they not, in most countries of the world? A gross invasion of privacy! Officer, we have hmm one photograph of his majesty in private conversation with an unidentifiable other in a private residence and, hmm, six photographs of his Majesty doing the washing up in a private residence. Is this a case for the courts or an on-the-spot fine?”
“His majesty is normally lenient, your highness, but the crime was entirely committed in your domain.”
“I will be lenient too, then. An on the spot fine at the bottom of the scale for each photograph showing his Majesty doing the washing up, and one of middle scale for the photograph showing him in private conversation.”
The reporter blanched as he saw the figures on the fine notification. It amounted to his total earnings in the last few months.
“Next photograph. Ah, that's more like it, zoom in on my face. Acceptable. Good. No, delete that. Good. Look at this one, Rudolph, anyone would think we were falling in love! Very acceptable. No, too much of my face. Hmm, experts would see the shadow and know that's just his hand mid-movement, but it looks bad; delete it. That one's OK. Too much of my face, delete it. What do you think of this one, Rudolph?”
“There's too much of your face, showing surely?”
“I agree. Delete it. Hmm, a shiny uniform button. I take it that's the end?”
“Yes, your highness,” the reporter said, thinking that today might have been worth getting up for.
“You'd better go and offer Mademoiselle Dubois that photo then, hadn't you? Do bear in mind that she's a poor student. I think in context the going price ought to be a scoop of freshly made ice-cream, don't you, Rudolph?”
“Absolutely. If it's worth the trip here, a scoop must be worth a photograph that would otherwise be destroyed.”
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MINISTERIAL MEETING, 2.30PM, SATURDAY 19TH JAN 2278
“Ministers, may I present my royal cousin, princess Claire du Basse-Monaco, her friend, prince Rudolph of the Helvetic Confederation, her travelling companion Krista, the Dubois family of Basse-Monaco who for my entire lifetime and beyond have made the finest ice-cream in Monaco, and Odette, who will soon be a Dubois. Since your suggestions somewhat affect her lands, I find it most fortuitous that princess Claire is here herself. My friends and relations, allow me to introduce my ministers for tourism and for transport. The issue is of traffic, both on land and water.”
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“Not enough use of the pool-transports on the roads?” René asked.
“Yes, M. Dubois, our surveys say that this is mainly because of long delays, mainly because of too much other traffic, mainly because of too many personal vehicles. But there is also the issue of parking. Too often privately operated parking areas are sitting empty and vehicles are parked on the nearby roads because of unreasonable fees,” the transport minister said.
“Your suggestion, then minister, is to bring a unified parking system into effect, is that correct?”
“Yes, your majesty.”
“You do not feel that the vehicles are on the roads because of lax enforcement and a wanton disregard for the law?” Claire asked. “Only this morning I was hearing that certain individuals had been ignoring the rules banning late night parking in Basse-Monaco, and even claiming the beach to be public land.”
“I am sorry, highness,” the tourism minister said clearly confused, I was under the impression that your land was open to the public.”
“The public have customary access to the undeveloped areas of Basse-Monaco. That is a long way from saying it is public land, or that they are free to disturb the peace, park their overly-loud sports cars next to my tenant's home when they're trying to sleep, or block access to the boat-ramp. I've taken steps which I hope will prevent such behaviour from reoccurring.”
“Ah, yes. I understand.”
“The tourist minister might also be interested in hearing your other plans, Claire.”
“Of course, perhaps later?”
“There will be transport-related issues, I'm sure.” Hervé said.
“I suppose so, yes. Was it thirty years ago, M. Dubois? Or even longer ago? M. Dubois's father had plans drawn up for a modest extension of his ice-cream business to provide shelter for customers and some simple seating. Unfortunately the people in the planning office told him it was not possible to develop anything on the beach, and I presume at the time my grand-mother was too busy or maybe he just did not feel able to ask her for a second opinion. Anyway, the Dubois family have been struggling to survive with a space-constrained business, simply because they did not get the correct advice and no one asked the right questions. I propose to change that. Another issue they raised with me is that there are occasionally back-packers hoping to camp on the beach overnight, and also families with young children desperate for somewhere to stay. With my cousin's approval, I propose that an area of the beach be dedicated as a camping area, both multi-day plots, with power-supplies and vehicle access and an adjacent area of the beach available for overnight-only camping. The Dubois family now have a licence to run a restaurant and bar, and alongside that I have granted them a licence for live music which may occasionally spill over onto the beach. Obviously late night concerts are not exactly appealing to young families, but I assume that no one in their right mind would want to organize a concert when everyone's rushed off their feet serving the normal tourist trade in high season anyway, so I don't envisage an actual clash. I anticipate that the restaurant building will double as camp-site office and incorporate accommodation for the site-managers, and also a youth hostel, perhaps with ten to fifteen three or four-bed rooms. In recognition of their faithful service and the damage done to their family income over the decades because of the earlier incompetence, the Dubois family will be operating these ventures of mine and receiving a share of the profits.”
“Might not the share of profits from a restaurant be less than they make at the moment?”
“If it is, then we'll certainly have a lovely big ice-cream stand,” Mme Dubois said.
“Minister, they are under no obligation to run a restaurant. They are merely free to.”
“Your highness, I don't understand how you hope to run a business like this.”
“I do not seek to run a business, minister. I seek to run a semi-autonomous principality, provide employment opportunities for my loyal subjects, opportunities for them to make money, and of course, help the local tourist trades by encouraging additional visitors to the area.”
“Poor visitors,” the transport minister pointed out.
“You have something against the less well off in society, minister?” the king asked in a calm voice.
“Nothing, nothing, your majesty, merely I wonder what extra custom they will bring compared to the additional traffic, and extra parking chaos.”
“Monsieur minister,” M. Dubois said, “based on my experience, it's not the poor that risk parking fines; it's the rich. The poor struggle on with transports from the pool, or walk.”
“What you could do, of course, Cousin, is increase the fines for illegally parked cars, and employ extra people to patrol the streets. Or just remove obstructing vehicles immediately.”
“That costs money, unfortunately.”
“So? Presumably people want their cars back. Make them pay more than the full cost. The worst thing that happens is you end up with a lot of second hand cars to sell.”
“The worst thing, highness, is that because of a bad experience, people stop coming.” the tourist minister corrected her.
“Transport minister, do we have enough parking spaces for everyone to park legally in high season?” the king asked.
“Yes, your majesty, but only just. That is why we've turned a blind eye to the problem. It is of little help to say we have enough places if there are two parking spaces at the other end of the city. We would need an extra five percent at least, for there to be a reasonable chance of finding one.”
“Then, minister, it seems that we are full, and we need to invite our residents to offer to turn their mansions into parking spaces or we need to discourage personal cars.”
“Or we could reclaim more land, claim personal parking spaces for state use, or turn spare land into parking areas,” the transport minister said.
“I am not aware of us having any spare land,” the king said.
“Cousin, I was warned this might happen by my grandmother. It is not a new suggestion, after all. You do mean Basse-Monaco, I presume, minister?”
“Yes, your highness, regretfully, I can see no alternative,” and he handed the king a data tablet, marked with the title 'Development plan to relieve traffic congestion'.
The king glanced at the plan and put it on the floor by his chair. “That is not an option you should consider, minister,” the king warned.
“Cousin, allow me to help the minister think more clearly. Did you ever wonder, minister, why it is that Basse-Monaco was declared a semi-autonomous feudal principality?”
“A historical quirk, I presume, your highness.”
“Oh, no, minister, it was quite deliberate. You may read the court records if you doubt me. You see, when Basse-Monaco was formed it was made with certain principles in mind. It would not be developed for the rich and famous, nothing would block access to the sea and sand for the general public, and so on. I am the guardian of those principles. And I have had a certain ancient and distressing right and duty forced upon me as I took up the crown.
"Krista, can you please find the relevant portion of the law and show it to the minister? I really do recommend you quickly think of an alternative.”
Krista showed him the relevant right — that she could demand the head of anyone who sought to persuade his majesty to confiscate any part of Basse-Monaco, and the corresponding duty that she use this right.
The minister turned pale, and sat down heavily. “I withdraw my suggestion, your majesty.”
“But is there an alternative?” Svetlana asked, “my duty is clear, after all. You cannot hand the king a plan, say 'there is no alternative' and then say 'sorry' to escape my just reply to your gross insult to my station, and leave your words to work their poison on his majesty's mind.”
“Urm, your majesty, there was a proposal to declare certain streets free of motorized vehicles except transports. That would alleviate the problem for the transports. People who lived there would be upset, of course. I wonder if we could say that only residents' vehicles were permitted, with stringent fines for infractions?”
“And of course, absolutely no on-street parking in those streets at all,” the king said, “Yes, I think that would be a workable solution. We will try it for a year, and if necessary add other streets to the scheme. And I do not like this 'turning a blind eye' to law-breaking. If we absolutely need some on-street parking, let us make it legal where it does not matter so much.”
“Yes, your majesty.”
“Perhaps, your majesty,” Arianne said, “It would be good if your ministers led the way in not keeping private vehicles in our city? There are, after all, plenty of secure parking areas across the border, I've seen.”
“An excellent idea, Arianne, although of course they would only be following my father's lead. But yes, as our city groans under the weight of tourist's cars, there is little justification in my ministers adding to the problem is there, Minister?”
“No, your majesty,” the minister said weakly.
“I wonder,” the tourism minister pondered, “if there might be a similar solution for the marinas. They are also over-full.”
“I will speak to my father, cousin.” Svetlana said, “my family's yacht takes up a lot of space, and it does not seem likely it will be used here in the near future. I'm sure it could be moved elsewhere.”
“Your highness' family has a large yacht? I did not realise,” the tourism minister said.
“If you are thinking of the owner's register, minister, then forget it. His majesty's father allowed it to be registered under a pseudonym for security purposes.”
“I realise that I have known of your grandmother and yourself, highness, but have no idea about the rest of your family.”
“That is good, and fills me with hope that I can continue to enjoy the relative freedoms I have as Claire du Basse-Monaco,” she said. “I warned a reporter earlier today that it is not at all wise to look into my family history. I have other titles, minister, other lands, and a publicly known connection between them would mean that my ability to socialise at university would be severely limited. If you feel you must know, I will tell you but I will first ask for your oath of secrecy.”
“How is it not wise to look into your family history?”
“Because the princess's father is a man who is not sure who all of his enemies are or where they hide,” Rudolph said, “and is protective of his daughter.”
“With due respect to his majesty, his throne, and our lovely home,” Arianne added, “I'll say that my friend probably views her present status as next in line to Monaco as an inconvenient problem.”
“I certainly wish my cousin a long life and many healthy Godly children,” Svetlana said.
“I think we've strayed off the topic of this meeting,” Hervé said.
“But the present line of conversation does raise another issue postponed from an earlier meeting, your majesty,” the tourism minister said, “whether some changes to your social calendar might assist in your search for a queen.”
“Gentlemen, I said before I have no desire of being surrounded by a crowd of young women attempting to out-flirt each other. I said I would not subject myself and them to that, and my resolve remains strong. That item was not postponed it was rejected.”
“Your majesty, with respect, you must marry,” the transport minister said.
“Oh, I most certainly hope to.”
“Your highness, Mademoiselle Dubois,” the tourism minister begged, “can you not persuade his majesty that he must meet new people in a social setting if he is to form a new special friendship?”
“I approve in general of meeting new people, but don't think I'd like Hervé to do such an inconstant thing as form a new special friendship,” Arianne said, reaching out her hand to Hervé. He accepted it, kissed it and stood, drawing her up to stand beside him.
As the ministers eyes popped out he said “Ministers, last year, I freely admit I took a foolish turn and I have repented of it. When I was five, my great aunt, the princess of Basse-Monaco, taught me a valuable lesson about what duty was, making me hold a baby girl, barely six weeks old, in the home of her tenants and warning me that duty to others was something you could not forget, even for a moment. Four and a half years ago that young woman taught me another lesson in that same house, about not asking for ice cream when all I had to hold it in was my hands. I came home and told my mother I'd met the woman I would marry, but I'd misjudged her age and my mother told me not to be silly, I couldn't marry a thirteen year old. I said I'd like to invite her to the palace, and my mother said I should wait five years — until she was at least eighteen — until I did. When my cousin told me she was coming to Monaco, and invited me to join her for lunch, I said no, I would invite her and all her party to the palace. And so Arianne Dubois has come to my house after all these years. And I am as determined to not hurt her now as I was when I first cradled her in my arms nineteen years ago. I must be patient as she has to finish her university course, but you should expect to see her at meetings whenever she is in Monaco, as I help her understand what it is I expect to ask her to share with me.”
“If any should think to question Arianne's social rank, cousin, ministers, you may inform them that marquise Arianne Dubois was made so by my grandmother. I've never heard Arianne speak of it since, but I witnessed it.”
“I did not feel worthy of such a high honour, your highness, and it does not help much when doing housework, making ice-cream or writing essays.”
“But it does help when talking to officials and arranging accommodation at universities, your ladyship,” Rudolph pointed out, “not to mention arranging for protection from overly inquisitive press.”
“I don't see why it should.”
“Because, Lady Arianne,” Hervé said, “you are not, as you described yourself a 'poor girl', even if you think of yourself as one. You are a noble of high rank, and so automatically a target of press intrusion. Cousin, your grandmother registered letters patent with my parents, I presume?”
“I assume so, but I didn't see it happen.”
“Then ministers, if you will excuse us? If an oversight has been made, then it should be rectified before the princess leaves us.”