Lady Lance kept her word, she did not walk in or peek a glance. She did not catch me naked while washing the dirty clothes. I am not disappointed in the least, she kept her word to the letter and I am thankful for that.
Despite the irrational dissatisfaction that I feel, I am glad that she kept her word. In spite of my delusions, I do try to keep enough of a grasp on reality to know that nothing would have come of her seeing me naked in this situation.
Worse, if she did break her word, I would have never been able to trust her ever again. Not with the fresh memory of how she tricked and played with me that night, soon after we met in person.
I throw the wet clothes that I just finished washing over the edge of the same window where I left the pile of fresh clothes. I get myself dressed up as swiftly as I can, thinking that I'll have to give up taking revenge against Yvonne.
After I tried to take advantage of the situation she put me in for my own benefit, I just don't have any ground to stand on and justify getting back at her.
Shouldn't I be feeling some kind of shame? Nah. No one knows, and I've never been the shameful type anyway. I wasn't even shy at all until I met Lady Lance, she brings out so many different things in me. Things that I didn't even know were there before I first saw her sharp figure sitting nobly on her horse.
I walk out of the lavatory, finding Lady Lance with her back against the wall, head looking straight forward as she promised.
“I'm going back to the well, I'm thirsty.” I tell her.
“Alright.” She nods, walking side by side with me as I make my way to the well.
I hop on the stone base and grab the bucket's rope as far up as I can, near the pulley hanging above the well. I hear my Lady approaching right behind me.
“Let me help.” She says as nears my side, but I shake my head sideways without looking at her.
“I can do this much alone, wouldn't be the first time either. Look.” I tell her while pulling on the rope until my hand is down to about the level of my waist.
I start wrapping the rope around my forearm by making small circles around the rope with my hand, after about ten loops my hand ends up right next to the pulley again.
I let go of my previous grip on the bottom of the rope to grab it again as close to the pulley as possible. The loops of rope around my forearm kept the bucket from falling back down to the water, an easy way to hold a secondary grip without needing a left hand, or arm.
I used to do it like this back when the stables were being built because I needed to walk the horse and make it drink, it saved time to do both by walking the horse around the well while I lifted the bucket with only my right hand.
Now that I think about it, that was actually harder to do since back then there was no pulley and I was walking in circles while holding onto the horse's lead.
“You know, my Lady, I used to do this while walking a horse around the well at the same time, a few years back.”
“Really?” I see my Lady shake her in disbelief. “How did you come up with that idea?”
“I was young and impatient, it seemed like a good way to save time.” I shrug.
“Did it work?” She asks.
“Not really, it was a lot of effort spent to save a tiny amount of time.” I laugh in self-derision while making the rope loop around my arm.
The bucket finally rises past the edge of the well. I make sure that the rope stays taut while I extend my hand and grab the bucket's hoop. I deposit the half-filled bucket down on the stone base before unwrapping the rope from around my forearm.
I use the hollow of my hand to bring water to my lips, finally quenching the thirst that I started feeling this morning. Between two gulps of water, I force myself to start the discussion that I ran away from this morning.
“About last night …” I begin saying but let my voice drag on as I realize that I haven't the faintest idea about how to breach the subject.
“It was just delirium talking, don't worry about it.” My Lady says, saving me from fumbling with my words.
“Thank you, my Lady, for … helping me get through it.” I look over my shoulder to give her a sincere smile of thanks, her eyes don't link with mine but she does nod slightly to accept my thanks. “But, what did I say to you last night?” I ask before taking more water in my palm to drink.
“It's not important.” She answers quickly, too quickly.
I let the water in my hand fall back down into the bucket and turn around to look at her. Her expression is … stony, tight. I've never seen her make that face, maybe occasional flashes that I thought I imagined, but never …
“I … I hurt you.” I whisper in realization. “I, I'm so sorry, my Lady, I wasn't thinking straight, I …” I try to rush the words out in panic, desperation.
“It's okay Jessica, calm down, I'm not going to hurt you.” She says with a sad smile, with a reassuring tone.
But all it does it hurt, her tone is a pang of pain in my heart. A wide empty feeling looms over me when I infer what her words mean. She thinks I'm afraid of her. She believes that I fear for my safety in her presence.
Why?! What did I say to her?! This is the worst, how do I explain myself to her if I don't even know what I blamed her for? I don't have time to have a fucking internal debate, I need to fix this. What's the first problem?
The misunderstanding. We aren't communicating on the same level.
“I know you won't hurt me, my Lady, I really do.” I tell her with as much sincerity as I can gather.
On impulse, I extend my hand forward and take hold of her left wrist. I squeeze my fingers around her wrist as much as I dare, I try to communicate with the physical contact what I fear she won't hear in my words.
“I wasn't in my right mind, my Lady, please forget it all. Please forget everything I said last night.” I ask of her, pleading.
“I … I can't do that, Jessica.” She answers with regret in her voice and a flash of pain passing through her eyes, almost breaking the stony control she has on her face.
My heart breaks a little when I notice those things. I open my mouth but no words come out, I just don't know how to fix this. She turns her left hand around and clasps her fingers around my wrist, grasping it the same way I am grasping hers.
I recognize the odd handshake, it fits with one of the fragments of memory that I managed to hold onto from last night. The cool touch of her fingers against my skin smooths over the pangs of pain in my heart. Enough that I manage to find my words again if only two of them.
“But, I …”
“But nothing. I dragged you into this, everything happened under my responsibility. It was my fault that you lost your arm.” The self-blame she is inflicting on herself is evident to me despite the fact that her expression remains void of any emotion as she speaks.
I thought that I would trade anything for … for more of her. But I was wrong. So, so very wrong.
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I cannot use this guilt that she feels for what happened. I don't think I can change how she perceives her past actions but I will not use it against her, not voluntarily. Never that.
If I can't convince her that she isn't in the wrong, I need to change the subject. A diversion.
“Your fault is well compensated for, my Lady.” I say, forcing my lips to draw a wide smile on my face. My voice is rasp because of the sadness stuck in my throat but I manage to insert a small amount of levity in my tone anyway.
I make my eyes look away from the heart-wrenching stony expression of her face, forcing them to look back down to the normal level they usually remain at. I look straight in front of me, glancing at her small round breasts, and making a show out of my stare to reinforce the tease.
I lift my hand while keeping my grip on her wrist. I make sure that I don't sacrifice our odd handshake as I move and guide our hands towards her left breast, aiming the back of my fingers towards it.
Despite aiming my actions towards distracting her away from her negative feelings, I remain somewhat hopeful that she actually lets me complete the movement, that she would let me brush the back of my fingers against the side of her breast.
Lady Lance rolls her eyes up so exaggeratedly that I notice the movement despite still staring straight at her chest. She almost absent-mindedly changes the course of our linked wrists to bring the back of my hand to her lips, laying a single light kiss against it.
I blush like I'm twelve again, the feel of her soft lips against my skin petrified me. My fingers grip her wrist even harder as my breath catches. What if I exhale and break the moment? My eyes look up to link the light gray abyss of hers, my lips part from each other as my jaw slackens slightly.
I see the exact moment when she realizes what she just did, my fingers clench at her wrist desperately, knowing what is to happen as if I had already lived it. She opens her mouth and breaks the silence but not my hope. I lost that two whole seconds before she even uttered a single syllable.
“I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. I'm not looking for … Not now. I'm sorry.” Her voice is full of regret. Is it because she is rejecting me? Is it because of the guilt she feels towards me?
She regrets having to hurt me. She has to hurt me. She doesn't want me. Lady Lance breaks our odd handshake with a shake of her wrist. My fingers betray me by failing to hang on to her.
A compact, hard ball of nerves forms in my throat. A pit of pain digs a gaping hole in my stomach. The entire surface of my heart feels like an empty stretch of … nothing. But I must speak. I cannot let her feel this guilt, let it torture her, while I remain silent.
“It's okay, my Lady.” I lie through my teeth, both figuratively and literally.
I swallow my self-pity, my self-blame at having started this sequence of events. Was it inevitable anyway? I cannot let myself believe that. I can still reach her if I keep trying. “Hic.”
The hiccup escapes me because I didn't expect it, unlike the tears I repressed before she even spoke. “Hic.” I clasp my hand over my chest to try to stop the fit of hiccups I feel coming.
“I can be your friend while we're stuck here. If you want that.” She tells me with a fragile smile.
There it is, her guilt. To my benefit. Did I use it voluntarily? Did I let my feelings show too much? Did I let the hiccups escape me on purpose? Can I stop myself from asking for more?
“Friends hug, right my Lady?” I ask, turning a deaf ear to the desperation in my voice.
I silence the self-loathing that I feel for being so utterly weak, for breaking my resolution with barely any hesitation the first time it is truly tested.
“Of course friends do, Jessica.” She smiles and my heart melts.
“And sometimes they get a kiss.” I add while releasing a breath.
Lady Lance laughs brightly. I notice that her cheeks are slightly rosy, only a delusion could equate that slight tint to a blush. I stop myself from raising my hopes by grasping at another meaningless, nonexistent sign. It's just due to the fact that she's laughing.
She takes a half-step towards me, her arms hanging on either side of me, wide open. What? Oh, a hug. My heart accelerates widely, irregularly, skipping some beats and taking two successively to catch up. I stagger a little, enough to lose my balance despite the fact that I was immobile.
My Lady catches me with her arms, her left hand on my right shoulder and her right hand on the lest of my waist. I experience a sudden burst of heat coming from the entire area of my chest at the contact of her hands.
This, I sat next to her, I laid down next to her. But this, this isn't comparable, seeing my Lady voluntarily entering my personal space to give me a hug while we are both standing. It feels so … deliberate. A moment of intimacy under the light of day.
I start taking short nervous breaths as she pulls me in, a small tremble shakes my hand as I reach behind her back to return the hug. I lay my hand lightly on her back, barely brushing her skin because an irrational fear stops me from going further, because I don't think I have the right to.
“You have a terrible sense of balance.” She tells me, her voice coming from just above my left ear.
“It's because you're too tall. Looking up to you messes my head.” In more ways than one.
“You're just tiny, I'm just a meter and eighty centimeters tall.” I feel the small chuckle that she makes because her left breast brushes lightly against my shoulder when it moves.
“I …” I take a deep breath in and exhale it out slowly to calm myself. “I am not that short. I'm a meter and six… seventy centimeters.”
She laughs and parts the hug. I crush the regret, if it dragged on too long I would have lost my self-control. What self-control?
“Sit down, my Lady!” I order her in a joking tone, pointing at the edge of the low wall surrounding the water well.
“You really don't have to keep calling me my lady all the time you know? This isn't a formal setting.” She says, walking towards the spot that I'm pointing at. Obeying me! Even if it is a jest, she …
“I'll stop if it bothers you, my Lady.” I pause and take a few steps to follow behind her. “Do you want me to? My Lady?” I ask in a sultry whisper that I blow towards the back of her right ear.
I meant my response to be light and joking, the sultry whisper playing into that goal. But she remains silent and she sits down on the low wall. I move to sit down next to her, turning to look at her once I am settled.
“Do what you want.” She replies with a sigh.
“I will, my Lady.” I say in a calm voice.
I conceal the happy smile on my lips by raising my hand. I saw it! Her cheeks, their rosy color increased in intensity during this exchange! My decision to start calling her my Lady is the best one I have ever taken. She reacts to it! She likes it when I call her my Lady!!!
My suddenly unreasonably good mood gives me a burst of energy and I jump off the well's low wall. I stand on the tip of my feet.
“I am taller than you now!” I exclaim proudly, victoriously lifting my closed fist above my head without turning around to actually check.
I hear a poorly concealed laugh coming from my Lady, right behind me. I turn around, ending up eye to eye with her. No, she's a bit taller still. My victorious expression falls off my face. My Lady explodes in laughter even more loudly as she abandons all her attempts to conceal her amusement.
“If, hahahaha, if you could, hahaha, if you could see, your face, ahahahahah, when you turned around! Hahahahahha.” Her laughing expression is so full of smiles that it removes all the bite out of her mockery.
I smile widely in return, cheered by the fact that her she seems so free now that she isn't forcing herself to remain inexpressive. Today is a good day after all.
I raise my hand and place it on top of her head, applying a bit of pressure to signify that I want her to lower her head, my Lady obediently follows my directions. She starts tapping on her lungs with a hand to help herself breathe while she keeps laughing at me.
“I am taller than you now!” I repeat, but this time I make a victorious fist pump.
“Ahahaha. Alright, I admit it! Hahahaha. You, you win, but, hahaha, please, please stop! You're killing me! hahahaaaaaaaaa” Her laughter dies down along with the sigh of satisfaction that she makes at the end of the difficult tirade … because of all the interruptions.
“I hope I'm not interrupting something important.” Princess Celyz' resounding voice abruptly interrupts us, coming from the street to our right.
Both Lady Lance and I snap our heads in her direction, an embarrassed silence floats as we both keep our mouths shut. I feel like I did when I was a child and I got caught doing something I shouldn't be doing.
Why the hell would I feel guilty? Not only were we not doing anything wrong, but even if we were, so what? I couldn't care less about anyone's judgment if I'm doing it with my Lady.
“Couldn't you smell it if you did?” I quip back at the Princess with a bit of bitterness to my tone.
“I truly did not mean my question yesterday to sour our relationship, I apologize if you hold some resentment towards me for it.” Her resounding voice takes a somewhat soothingly low tone.
“I don't.” I sigh. “I told you to ask and I answered voluntarily. You bear no blame in the matter. I'm sorry for snapping at you.”
“It matters not. I was very curious and somewhat overstepped.” She nods once to close the matter.
“What question?” Lady Lance asks innocently, turning to throw me a curious look.
I stop moving, biting my tongue to make sure it doesn't accidentally utter any words of any kind. I can't slip up if I don't speak. As long as I say nothing, I am safe.