Leomi lets me admire the small tree I carved for a while before dressing back up. She then gets up from under me and extends her hand out. I take it and allow her to help me up.
She suddenly slips an arm around my waist and pulls me in for a tight hug that lifts me off my feet. I groan from the pressure but there is a wide smile on my face. The fact that she's allowing herself this emotional outburst reassures me.
“I'm going to go hunt, starving was a concern a couple of days ago.” I tell her once she lets me down.
“Okay. I...” She hesitates. “Can I stay with you?”
“Of course.” I reply before biting my tongue as I realize something terrifying that I had never considered before reaching this point.
“What is it?” Leomi asks, immediately picking up on my reaction.
“My house isn't...” I pause. The fact is that I don't even have a bed to offer her. “I'm poor, Leomi.” I admit between grit teeth.
“That's fine, Jay.” Leomi replies with a soft voice.
Is it? I was prideful in not accepting the position of a mistress or servant for her but all of that is about what she can give me. But what about me? What can I offer her? A destroyed straw bed? A loaf of bread for lunch?
Will I ever have the ability to buy her clothes? I don't care much for my appearance but I still have some standards and the desire to appeal to her. I can't even afford to buy clothes that won't embarrass her.
Leomi is a Lady Countess, but even without that title, she is still skilled enough to live a good life anywhere. I need actual gold to take care of her, and a lot of it to treat her how she deserves.
I was selfish. I refused her grace and gifts but it never entered my mind until now that I should be in a position to offer the same, that I don't have the ability to treat her up to her worth. Even after everything, I still didn't treat us as equals.
“You would be better off camping outside.” I utter with deep shame.
“Nonsense.” Leomi replies instantly.
I look up to her, finding a hard and determined expression. She clearly saw through some of my thoughts. I sigh, regretting her ability to read me a little. I set the issue that I'm unworthy to the side and decide to first feed her well to then figure the rest out.
“There was some damage to my home while I was gone and someone stole my stove.” I tell her, swallowing my pride.
“Who?” Leomi asks, straightening her back.
“Doesn't matter.” I grunt. “A stove isn't something neighbors steal because you can't hide it. It won't be in the village so there's no point in searching for it. It would cost far more to find it than it's worth.”
“Hmph.” Leomi exhales loudly. “You don't want me to help for this or for that.” She complains. “What am I supposed to do?”
“What do you want to do?” I ask.
“Take you away and chain you to my room's wall in Castle Lance. Short of that, I would settle for you never leaving my side ever again.” Leomi replies seriously. I hold her hopeful gaze without responding. “I can stay here for a week... no two.” She tells me. “There are at least a thousand of the continent's Templars on the Izla right now and the Hospitaliers aren't finished expanding, I'm not truly needed so I can make time for you. I'll earn my stay by helping you fix your house, how about that?” She proposes nervously.
“...” I gape a little, utterly taken by surprise.
“What? Mother put me through everything from cleaning the stables to doing the laundry. I can handle it.” Leomi assures me.
“...” I keep silent as I know even less how to react to her second statement. “You're not as spoiled as I thought.” I comment weakly. I'm going to need to step up my efforts to keep up with this woman.
“It'll take at least a few weeks to get you to come back with me, you're stubborn.” Leomi tells me with a confident smile.
“I won't be doing that.” I shake my head. “I can't depend on you.”
Her somewhat smug expression flickers but it doesn't go away. Words won't be enough to get her to accept losing her edge in our relationship. I need to do well enough to be able to spoil her. It complicates my future by more than a few magnitudes but I don't have a choice if I want to be worthy of Leomi and Celyz both. Not only do I need power, but wealth as well.
“Then what will you do?” Leomi asks, looking worried.
“I'm going to work. My brother has to find a home when he returns, that's my bottom line.” I reply, kicking myself for having been so naive as to think I could go back to my simple life.
“I'm not trying to buy you, Jay. I was born with a lot more than you, why won't you take advantage of it?” Leomi presses me. “Besides, much of what I have now is thanks to you.”
“We worked together.” I protest.
“We did.” Leomi nods. “Why are you making it so hard for me? I want you to take what you deserve, that's it.”
“That's it?” I ask, raising an eyebrow.
“Well...” She looks away. “It's possible that I may be trying to gain the upper hand.” She replies vaguely. “But I'll always be doing that. It doesn't change the fact that you're putting me in your debt without giving me a chance to repay you.”
“Be honest.” I grunt. “With the crimes I committed, how much did my help cost you?”
“There were some gains, some losses.” Leomi replies, briefly biting her lower lip. “But your actions saved the Kingdom.”
“I was exiled instead of executed, regardless of that judgment's fairness, I was repaid.” I tell her frankly. “And you're not responsible for Caeviel's injustices towards me.”
“You're going to be like that.” Leomi grits her teeth, looking infuriated. “Fine. You're right, we've settled our debts.”
She opens and closes her right hand, her muscles taut like she wants to punch me. The look in her eyes tells me that I've just made a mistake even if I don't really understand where.
Either way, Leomi isn't the type to get mad without reason so the prudent thing to do is to wait for her to calm down and explain. She suddenly reaches out and grabs my collar before pushing me against the tree's trunk.
“You know what, no, it's not fine.” Leomi utters between her teeth. “I've been wanting to hurt you and I just realized it doesn't have anything to do with my issues. What I want right now is to punch you awake and I never have before.” I frown, feeling like she's going overboard with her anger. “Throwing in my face that I can't speak for the kingdom when you were fine accepting that wench's rewards.” Leomi growls.
I blank out, utterly taken aback by her jealous reasoning. It isn't true, but I'm not about to argue over it in the state she's in because it would hurt my efforts to defend Celyz. At the same time, I have the odd thought that, if Leomi can qualify Celyz as a wench, it is progress from the way she saw her as a foreign species.
“You want a life with me? Here? On your terms?” Leomi scoffs. “I respect your desire to return to your life, but what about mine? Am I not your equal?” She spits out with a hint of sadness and disappointment.
“You are.” I hurriedly reply.
“I understand that you don't want to go back to war, and that's fine because you've paid enough. But you're being stupid and willfully blind, you want contradictory things like for me to stay while also dealing with the Lisilese.” Leomi keeps bashing at me. “We have different ambitions. You want personal power, that's fine, I can wait for you to figure it out as long as you want. I'm sure you'll succeed with your constructs, but you keep holding my oath between us like a wall and refuse my participation. You're not even letting me treat you like an equal, much less treating me like one. If that's the case, why did you drag me here?” Leomi asks while aggressively pushing me against the trunk.
“I... I...” I stutter. “I... I need you.” I finally say, admitting my selfishness. “I don't want to be alone.” I lie. The truth is that I can't be by myself anymore, Leomi, not with the specter of the monstrous things I've done. “Will you leave?” I ask, unwilling to beg even if she truly does.
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“Leave?” Leomi asks, turning pale. Her grip on my shirt loosens. “How could I? You're dying.” She says, tears in her eyes. “Let me help, please.”
“But not here.” I utter, finally understanding what the problem is. It took me so long. “You can't leave, you can't stay, and you can't force me to follow you.” Leomi nods, looking angry, sad, lost. I only have a few years left. She realized what it meant for the future before I did, and I've known for at least a month.
“I'm sorry.” I whisper.
“We're so far past those that I don't care anymore.” Leomi repeats herself. “You're all I want, no matter what.”
I feel my heart tightening as I hear the pain in her voice. Did I grow arrogant? I didn't put half as much thought into my future than I put into freeing Cetyz. I was so confident I could handle everything that the most obvious things escaped me.
Not only do I not have what it takes to treat Leomi like I should, but I didn't even understand that I don't have time to build my life here. My starting point is too low, it'll be difficult just to buy her a ring, much less do so before I have to travel east in the hope that Celyz can save my life.
“I'm... I'm not ready to leave.” I tell her. In spite of all those things, that is the truth.
“I know you need time, it's okay.” Leomi replies, her slender fingers grasping at my shirt in frustration. “Take a month, two, just... don't hide so far away from me, please.”
“I don't know what I'll do but I won't disappear.” I promise her. “How serious were you, about punching me?” I ask.
“Almost completely.” Leomi mutters with a dark look.
“I, I don't have much but if you want me to...” I start but pause when I see her raise her closed fist.
“You've helped enough. Let me.” Leomi demands in a hard voice.
“O, okay.” I agree, shaken by how adamant she's being.
Leomi grins and pulls me from the trunk before patting my clothes to rearrange them, looking content about how this turned out. I, I don't think our point of view on this is going to matter, she's pissed off. You think?
Does she think she owes us? No, she said we were past these things and I believe her. Then, is it guilt? I think Leomi just needs to do this out of love, the same way we want to give her everything we can.
My kitten is too desperate for that to be it. It's jealousy then, she's competing with Celyz. Does she realize it? Perhaps, it's either unconscious or she's afraid to legitimize Celyz as an adversary or she would have directly stated it. The fact they're competing is progress, the fact that the two of them spoke alone is as well.
“Now, what did you do under this Freepath name?” Leomi asks.
“Not much, I sent some criticism to the Hospitaliers.” I reply. “It annoyed me how easy it was to enter Meria with contraband when I was with Yvonne.”
“You didn't do anything dangerous?” She questions worriedly.
“No.” I shake my head.
“Good.” Leomi sighs in relief. “It was easy to enter Meria because you were with Yvonne, it's not because the guards were slacking off.”
“That's another one of Nobility's old privileges that will bite you in the ass, kitten.” Elizabeth blurts out. “I doubt I need to explain why.”
“As I said, it was Yvonne. Anyone else wouldn't have gotten in so easily without a search if the guards had suspicions.” Leomi tells me.
“Are you sure? Because I'm pretty certain that a city guard or even a soldier guarding your castle isn't going to offend a titled Noble if they see something odd.” I argue.
“I'm somewhat aware of that, but there isn't much I can do about it.” Leomi makes a grimace. “If the Hospitaliers start treating Nobles like low born in places that aren't sensitive, the resulting frictions will do more damage to us than spying or sabotage while we expand.”
“Perhaps.” I frown. “The problem is that you cannot know exactly what's a sensitive area and what isn't because there are weaknesses you aren't aware of. It seems to me that Nobility is the most likely to cause damage to your faction so treating them with extra care will minimize the risks.” I explain.
“I'll think on it.” Leomi replies uncomfortably.
I feel my temper rising but I decide to keep my silence. There is no easy solution to the issue and I lack the expertise and knowledge to judge whether my concerns are justified. Not to mention that I want to choke Nobility as a system until it completely dies out so it's possible that I may be slightly biased.
“If I'm going to be responsible for feeding you, I need to go find something to bring back.” I tell her, noticing that the sun is rather high in the sky.
“I'll wait.” Leomi nods, clearly not taking my words as a boast.
Her confidence in me, in spite of my utter lack of experience hunting and the fact I have a single arm, makes me tremble with eagerness. Yet, there is the issue of the state of our home.
“Do you, um.” I pause. “Do you mind waiting here?” I ask, wanting to delay.
“I do mind.” She frowns. “I'm not going to spend two weeks sitting around. If you don't want to leave me alone, I can come with you.” She proposes.
“No.” I shake my head. I can't let her see me scramble like an amateur and it would feel pretty good to know she's waiting home for me to return. “It's, it's fine. Follow the road towards the south and then go east, keep walking until you find a stone house.”
“Alright.” Leomi smiles and takes my hand. “I won't make a mess or snoop around, I swear.”
“I'm not worried about that.” I reply awkwardly.
Maybe it's for the best that I don't see her face when she notices that our house doesn't even have the simplest wooden floor. I doubt she's ever entered a building where the ground is soil.
No. Am I a coward? She's my guest, I need to at least accompany her and make sure she'll be comfortable until I come back. If what I have is too shoddy for her, I'll see it on her face and improvise.
Food is important but I'll have to urgently buy a few things from Ms Conner for the night if Leomi is too uncomfortable. I close my hand over Leomi's and nervously look up to her.
“Actually, I think I'll take you back home myself.” I tell her.
“Okay.” Leomi replies instantly, looking giddy.
It takes me a moment to realize that the words I've just used have an official ring to them. I feel my heartbeat accelerate. Leomi takes hold of her warhorse's bridle and we make our way to my house together, hand in hand.
It feels weird, like the next few weeks are going to be the best of my life but the hardest as well because they'll come to an end and I'll have to face the fact that my old life isn't something I can return to.
It doesn't even have much to do with my health problems but with the fact that I was bored and unenthusiastic before Leomi arrived. Short of bandits attacking, would I have lasted long here after I rebuilt our small farm?
Alone, there wouldn't have been a chance. With Leomi? I could probably live anywhere doing anything because she's already more excitement than I can handle by herself.
“What are you thinking about?” Leomi asks.
“You.” I reply easily. “I'm curious, what kind of damage would Nobility do if you stopped caring about privilege?”
“It would probably collapse the economy for a year or two, not to mention the rebellions and attacks from outside.” Leomi replies without even needing to think about it very hard. “Privilege isn't just a matter of law. The reason most Nobles feel untouchable is that there is a complex web of relationships connecting Nobility and supported by the Empire. It isn't easy for even a Duke to deal with a Baron short of a good justification because those Houses never stand alone. There are economic interests and marriage alliances to think about, old and new depending on a House's current interests.”
“All of that relies on one thing, though.” I note.
“Peasantry's efforts.” Leomi nods. “It is the Empire's backbone.”
“No. It relies on belief.” I shake my head. “It is belief in the Empire, in the Kingdom, in the Liege that keeps people participating. That belief is supported by the lie that the system they're in is necessary and too powerful to challenge. Once you break that misconception, why would the people not serve a system that demands fewer sacrifices from them?”
“Because otherwise, there is chaos and the Phalanxes won't suffice to protect us.” Leomi replies.
“Hm.” I ponder. “I used to think that as well. Or more correctly, I used to have faith in the Emperor because of those things. Now, I see things differently.”
“You don't think the Lisilese and the Rykz would invade if the Empire descends into chaos?” Leomi asks, clearly agitated.
“The Lisilese can raid but not invade.” I reply, looking up to her to get her opinion.
“That's true. They don't have the infrastructure to channel enough flow towards their armies for them to survive the climate for long. And they likely wouldn't even do that if they could, it isn't worth it. But, they would set the south on fire.” Leomi replies.
“The outcome would depend on the situation.” I say, setting that aside. “The Rykz, on the other hand, can't expand quickly because of a limitation in their reproduction rate. Even if they could, I doubt they would. Expansion seems to be a secondary concern to their species, or perhaps even a tertiary one.” I say, watching her reaction.
“You don't need to be so careful, I'm interested in your opinion.” She tells me with an edge to her smile.
“First, they have a mission as a species to make the drones more intelligent. That task is either born of guilt or ambition but it doesn't change the fact that it is a primary concern of theirs. Second, they need the Empire and the Lisilese to be relatively equal in forces so that they can continue exploiting both for knowledge. Third, I think the Rykz are able to withstand the casualties that a true war of conquest would bring but are incapable of taking such a risk by nature and culture.”
Leomi ponders quietly as we walk. I'm sure she knows that I'm not telling her everything but she seems to be more focused on the information than how I got it. I let her think about the meaning of my words, that the Empire doesn't need to be stable for humanity to strive.
There are many things I'm not saying, like the fact that Rykz Queens and Princesses wouldn't need to be killed for them to die since their lifespans are variable depending on the intensity of their lives. I'm relatively certain that Grikyz' act of giving birth to over a hundred thousand Rykz at once cost the Silver Hive's Queen many years.