“This gun’s loaded. Next time announce yourself, Smith.”

I nodded, heart hammering my chest, and watched as Carrie's weapon swung away from me. She'd been a breath away from shooting me until I'd thrown my hands up in surrender. Carrie was a little scary. I was glad I was on her good side, even if I’d lied to get there.

Dragging the camping chair I'd borrowed from inside, I settled in next to her, scanning the dark streets. There was no activity.

She let out a groan. “What do you want, anyway? I'm not in the mood for chitchat.”

“Thought you might be hungry,” I replied, offering her the small item I'd found in our loot.

She stared, then scoffed.

“I'm old but I'm not a granny, Smith. You really think I want your pocket-dusted Werther's hard caramel?”

I kept my hand out and sunk deeper into my chair.

“Jesus Christ. You're just like Galbraith. You think you know me? You don't. I don't want your pity in the form of cavities.”

I said nothing, leaving my hand where it was, and a moment passed.

Her brow crinkled. “You…!”

Irritated, she snatched the plastic wrapped caramel and opened it before popping the sweet into her scowling mouth. From where I was sitting, I heard her stomach gurgle in response. I hadn’t eaten after Chrissie died, but that was because I hadn’t been able to keep anything regular down. My parents eventually gave up and let me eat whatever would stay inside me.

Her sullen expression deepened but I could tell it was embarrassment over this weakness being revealed. It was almost refreshing to see something other than the same resigned emotion on her face.

We sat there for a while. The city was still without traffic, without electricity. You could see the stars dance on the rooftops of buildings without light pollution.

It was quiet.

I wanted to tell her what my plan was. That I was going to bring Anna back, eventually, but it would be too much for a grieving mother. It would be sick and twisted to even mention it. Had someone dangled that in front of my own mother when Chrissie had died, I think I would've seen red.

“You lose someone, then?” she asked, voice soft.

I nodded.

She smiled bleakly. “Figured.”

“My sister. A long time ago,” I said.

The pain was old but it still hurt, like a healed scar aching in the cold. The police said it was sheer coincidence anyone stumbled across her body that day at all. For a long time I'd thought them finding her had been the worst part of it. Without it, she would’ve just been missing. Why had I needed to know for certain she was gone? It would've been better to think there was a chance she was okay somewhere, somehow. Mrs. Brown had told me it brought closure. It hadn’t, not really.

But that was the same reason I'd brought back everyone's bodies.

Carrie's voice croaked as she said, “She used to sit with me like this on our porch, talking shit. Anna was a scheming little bitch sometimes, but I loved her with all my heart. I was proud of her. I never said that to her.”

I didn't reply. It was important to simply listen to her now. That’s what I needed to do. No. It was the very least I could do. Though sitting there, trying to console her, I felt like an imposter.

But she needed someone. Carrie hadn’t told Killian about Anna yet. And I wasn’t sure about their relationship so I don’t know if she ever would. She needed someone to talk to. If my sessions with Mrs. Brown had taught me anything, it was that. Even if during them I hadn’t taken the opportunity.

She continued, “We argued the night before she left. She said she'd be fine to go in alone. In and out. To stop the itch. She told me I shouldn't risk it, since I was good already. But I said no. We'd go together.”

Carrie was crying again.

“She did it to save me, and I hate her for it.”

I thought for a moment, wondering if I should say anything, or even what I could say. I reflected on our fight with Anna and how she’d treated us. Reconciling this mother’s recollections of her daughter and the young woman we’d met wasn’t that hard. Taking a risk, I remarked, “If it's any consolation, when we saw her fighting, it looked like she was enjoying it.”

The older woman let out a startled laugh at my comment.

“She would've. Sounds just like her.” She paused and wiped at her tears. “Wish I'd been there to see it.”

There was a rustle from the left and Carrie’s gaze flung to it, eyes seeking, hopeful. Her gun hadn’t moved, forgotten in her lap. A possum screeched from the tree it perched in before scurrying away. Carrie’s face markedly fell.

“Yeah. That's the worst part,” I said.

She turned to me. “What is?”

I smiled sadly. “Every door opening feels like she'll be the one walking through it.”

Carrie blanched, then she let out a long drawn out breath. When her lungs were finally empty, she slapped her hands onto her thighs decisively. Maybe it was because she was older than my own parents had been or because Anna had been older as well, or maybe it was just because of who Carrie was, but the greying blonde had the kind of level headedness in this situation that I simply couldn’t fathom.

“Welp. I'm not good for this, not as I am. You wanna take over or should I call Killian in to cover?”

I considered letting the man suffer, knowing he’d grabbed three alcoholic drinks, but shook my head. My tiredness had faded, replaced with a deep melancholy instead. I wondered if the guilt would ever leave me. Part of me hoped not. Maybe because that’d mean I stopped being human. Besides, if Carrie trusted me enough to take on lookout, that was something I couldn’t betray. Even if most of the belief came from me using [Intimidation].

She nodded. “Here.”

I accepted the electronic rape whistle from her. Glancing once more out into the darkness, she sighed, mumbling under her breath. I didn't catch it, but for once I didn't want to try. Whatever she said was between her and her daughter.

“Phoenix will be out in a few hours for her shift. Should be quiet. It is most nights.” She gave me a tight smile. “Good luck.”

With that and a pat on my shoulder, Carrie was gone.

Time passed.

I let it.

The end of the world was a slow process.

“You’re not going to use that on me, are you?” came a voice I knew all too well. It was welcome in the darkness of the night, a comfort, though a surprise he’d come to seek me out. Checking on Carrie had been my tacit permission for him to do what he wanted without the weight of my presence around.

“It depends,” I said, glancing up at him, grinning. “Given your feelings for me, can you control yourself in our tent tonight?”

With a chuckle, Axel dropped into the seat beside me.

“Well, I'm not gonna jump you, if that's what you're asking.” He raised an eyebrow, the smile on his face widening. “Unless you want me to.”

“I don't,” I said. I took a breath. “And I probably never will.”

“Ah.” He cleared his throat, a sudden stiffness in his posture. “So, that's your answer, is it?”

“It's an answer,” I replied, not meeting his gaze.

“Lee, I told you I was prepared to be rejected. I kne–know you. But you can't say vague shit like that.” He huffed from his nose. “It makes me think we might have a chance, and that's worse.”

I thought about the conversations, the barbecue, about what I’d seen. It had been on my mind all night. So much so that in the silence after Carrie had left I hadn’t been able to paw through anything else from the system. I’d sat there thinking about it.

Staring up at the stars, I said, “I can't… give you what Killian can.”

“What are you talking about?” Axel frowned.

This wasn’t the discussion I wanted to have tonight. Or ever, actually. But it was something we had to talk about. The whole thing made me feel a little nauseous. I’d had similar conversations on dating apps, and they never went well. People never read profiles.

“Look, as much as you know me, I know you, man. I know what sex means to you. You're a whore,” I held up a hand to stop his objections, “and I mean that in an affectionate non-slut-shaming way. You like to have sex. And I…” I tried to find the words. “I don't think I really want to, ever.”

Axel folded his arms across his chest, unimpressed.

“Yeah, well, I'm 100% certain I’ve accidentally walked in on you jerking off before, dude.”

I rolled my eyes, irritated that he was hitting below the belt, literally. “First of all, that’s because you never knock. Secondly, are you really trying to invalidate my asexuality?” I’d gotten enough of that, even in queer spaces. His words had triggered an anger that had long been dormant. “And three, sex and masturbation are two completely different things. I can get off physically doing things like that, but I'll never get hard thinking about fucking you.”

Axel's face flashed crimson.

“Don’t say that with such a straight face!”

I sighed. Frankly, figuring out how to deal with horniness when there wasn't ever any reason or mental outlet for it had been the bane of puberty. Getting off was the same thing as a massage or a chocolate. It just felt good. There was nothing underlying the activity other than the physical aspect of it. And doing that with another person wasn't appealing enough for what it gave.

Truth be told, I'd actively sought it out a few times during university, out of curiosity, and hadn't really gotten much out of it. My partners, Tinder matches, seemed to enjoy themselves after a bit of a delayed start. They’d thought my lack of immediate arousal due to nervousness and inexperience. I hadn’t corrected them.

The act itself felt systematic. It was easy to judge how to make someone else feel good; touch them there, kiss here, linger a moment longer, compliment them, match their murmurs, let them reciprocate, find completion together. I'd leave in the early mornings after and often receive a text later asking if we could hook up again some time. The few times I'd done it, I'd left them on read.

Because for me… I hadn't hated it and could see why others participated in it, but those people had helped me finally understand, truly and fully, that sex wasn’t something I actually wanted.

Sure, ultimately it’d been enjoyable, something of contentment to be had out of a job well done, but it felt like an unnecessary difficulty and complexity I was adding to my life for no reason, especially as I wasn't physically drawn to others to do it in the first place. Since then I'd basically put the whole activity on lock and hadn’t really looked back, except when another stranger stepped out of Axel's room in the morning.

This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

Still, based on Axel’s reaction, he definitely didn’t know any of that. We'd become flatmates after university, so he'd not been privy to my handful of experiments. What kind of image did Axel have of me in his head then that my words had shocked him so? Did he really think me the cliche virginal fumbling innocent that media often portrayed asexuals as when we were lucky enough to get representation?

Rubbing at my face, I stretched my cheeks taunt before releasing them. “I doubt I'll ever want to have sex, Axel. And I know you like it. It's part of you and important to you in a relationship.”

Tongue-tied, he sat there silently as I continued, “Look, I feel bad enough that you've liked me for so long and you thinking I was aromantic is what kept you from saying anything.” My stomach churned. “That you'd have to sacrifice something like this is too much.”

There was no pause before he replied, and he took my hand in his.

“I'd have you any way I could, Lee.”

What now?

In thought, Axel scratched at his cheek, which was still pink. He looked prettier blushing like that as it brought out the blue in his eyes, I noted with anger. He really did piss me off in so many different ways. This fucking guy.

Axel continued, “Okay, that line sounded a little desperate, but it's true. Sex or no.” His thumb ran softly over the skin of my hand. “It's you I want.”

I'd hit my limit. I'd tried to play the considerate card, expressing legitimate concerns, but the tenderness in Axel's voice and touch had pushed me too far.

I tore my hand out of his, throwing mine up in the air. “Why?!”

“‘Why?’” he echoed in confusion.

Furious, I stood up, staring down at him. “I'm a terrible friend and have been for over a decade now, I'll never be sexually attracted to you even if I think you're so beautiful it should be illegal, I can't help you with your problems because you've told me I can't because I’m useless, I'm constantly putting you in danger and just magically trust that you'll be fine somehow, you always mock me at my lowest, and, hell, I'm not even good looking enough to make Jye think twice! You shouldn’t even like me, let alone “love” me! So, why do you?!”

Axel's lips parted in shock.

My face felt hot, and my heart was racing with what had to be rage, and I refused to think about everything I’d just spewed out. Wait. Had I called him beautiful? I’d said that out loud?

“You're asking why I love you?” he said in disbelief, thankfully ignoring the rest.

Phrasing it like that made me sound insane and demanding. But, in for a penny…

“Give me one good reason. Because I just don't understand, Axel. You've never…” I paused to take a breath. “I can't believe you actually like me like that. You say you do. I know you’ve said it. But it doesn't make sense, it just doesn't…” I let the words trail away, not even sure what I was trying to say.

Axel made a face. “I like you just because.”

I waited for him to elaborate.

He scoffed before saying, “Okay then, Mr. Everything Needs A Reason. Tell me. Why does anyone like anything?”

It was my turn to frown. I thought about the question and its answer, perplexed. Why did someone like something? It was a surprisingly complex question. But eager to show that there had to be some justifiable explanation, that “because” wasn't a reason and therefore he didn't actually like me at all, I continued plucking away.

Speaking as I thought, I replied, “People like things because they make them happy or they enjoy them or because the thing makes them feel good.”

Axel stared at me, wordlessly. He let my words sink in as he crossed his hands in his lap, looking a little too smug, and the expression wasn’t bad on him which was worse. He waited.

Ah, fuck.

I guess I’d answered my own question.

Mouth going dry, I said, “You’re saying I make you happy?”

He nodded.

“You… enjoy being around me?”

Another nod.

“And that it feels good to be with me?”

He smiled sweetly and stood as well, closing the distance between us. I stepped back, suddenly afraid. Of what, I didn't know. I was just scared. No, I knew what it was. But I didn’t want to admit it. Because if I said it out loud, I’d have to tell him everything. And we’d never spoken about that.

Axel’s blue gaze was soft as he stared at me.

“You make me a better person, Lee. You always have. Without you…” There was that faraway look in his eyes, the one that sometimes stole him, and for a second I was afraid he'd break down. But he shook his head and it was gone. “I like who I am when I'm with you.”

“Ah-hah!” I exclaimed, poking a finger into his chest to push him away from me. “Maybe that's all you actually like. Maybe you don't like me at all.” I wanted to gain some distance from him. Emotionally. Physically. He was getting too close. And he couldn’t.

Axel let out an exasperated sigh. “Of all the– For you not to believe I like you is in-fucking-sane.” Yeah, insulting me was definitely the right way to go about this. It actually helped my mind calm a bit.

A moment of silence fell between us, and I thought it was the sweet, sweet end of our conversation. He ran a frantic hand through his hair, his eyes widening manically. “Wait a tick. You said you wanted to see my player stats once, right?”

I nodded, slowly, not sure where he was going with this.

“I can't… I can't show you everything.” He growled in anger. “But, fuck, you agree that the windows don't lie, right? That what's written is fact, immutable.”

I reflected on the system and then agreed. It had never once included nonfactual content. It hid stuff and only revealed it slowly, but I didn't think it was even capable of telling a lie.

“Yeah?”

“Here.”

Party member Axel wants to share player data. Accept | Reject

I’d known Axel had been hiding something about his stats since the beginning. That he’d chosen now to share it was baffling. Taking my time, I mentally confirmed acceptance, and the data transferred over onto a new window. I started reading.

Traits

[Swift-Footed] Move faster on foot.

“I knew about this,” I said, confused.

“Keep reading,” he instructed, as though it physically caused him pain, his cheeks impossibly reddening further. It was the most flustered and perturbed I’d ever seen him. Part of me was secretly enjoying this, but as soon as I realised that I killed that thought in its place.

[Devoted] The player you love most will receive system warnings as long as they stay within eyesight.

I reread it three more times, not believing the words before my eyes.

“It's been… it's been you, the whole time?”

It was true. The notifications, the warnings, they all stopped when Axel wasn't near. That had been the common denominator. It wasn’t that they were unreliable or that they were glitching, or that my own system was broken like Jye’s. It was Axel’s presence. I hadn't put them together because it simply didn't make sense because I guess Axel being near me was normal, even when he wasn’t close I knew he was there.

Suddenly my brain was sent flying back to his confession.

He'd meant it.

Every single word.

I just hadn't… I hadn't accepted it was real. I'd thought he was deluded. Or confused. Or broken.

Because it couldn't be real.

Because that would mean something far worse.

Testing the words, I said, “You like me.”

“I like you.”

“You love me?”

“I love you.”

“Huh.”

“What?” he asked, head tilted.

I blinked. “I didn't mean to say that out loud.”

“You still haven't given me an answer.”

It would mean…

Frowning, I said, “I'm not gonna have sex with you.”

Laughter exploded from him. “Not that. I don't care about that. Well, I do, it's a bit of an ego death I'll have to go through, but that's neither here nor there.”

I swallowed. “I don't not like you.”

It meant that…

“Not an answer,” he admonished.

“I'm still thinking!”

“What's there to think about?”

“A lot.”

It had to mean…

“I'd wait an eternity for you, Lee,” he said, and I could tell he meant it. “But, come on, that's a little mean, don't you think? Cut a dude some slack.” He was pleading, practically begging.

“I don't have an answer yet.”

He was now clearly getting frustrated. “Why?”

So it meant when…

“You're asking why?”

“Yeah, that's why I asked why, dumbass.”

“You really want to know why?”

“I do.”

Back then it meant…

“I'll tell you.”

“Then tell me!”

My jaw clenched.

“Because even when you loved me you broke my goddamn heart, you fucking asshole. After Chrissie, you abandoned me when I needed you the most. If that was your love, I can't go through that again!”

The shock that overcame Axel was almost comical. He wobbled where he stood, like a stack of body parts connected loosely with a thread. I hadn’t anticipated my words to have had such a large impact on him. Weird.

Trying to remain unfazed, I said, “You said you've liked me since we were kids. Well, when we were eleven, I adored you. You were every part of my stupid little heart. And then you shattered it. I never recovered. I still haven't!” I felt like an idiot confessing all this, after it had been so long. But it had soured and festered and never healed. I’d never told any living person.

“You liked me?” he asked in a voice so quiet it was barely audible.

Steeling myself, I continued, “I had a huge crush on you. You think normal kids beg their parents to spend time with a friend 24/7? Newsflash, they don't! That's abnormal! It was almost an obsession.”

“You… liked me?” he asked again, even more unsure.

I sighed, the relief I wanted to feel from saying all this not nearly as gratifying as I’d thought it would be. “It doesn't matter now. And you're taking that to your grave, by the way. Our parents can’t ever know. They'll never let me live it down.”

“Why didn't you say anything?” Axel demanded.

I gave him a pointed look. “We were kids. It was what, 2005? Boys didn't like boys, or if they did, it wasn't supposed to be said out loud. You never said anything either. But whatever. That moment's passed.”

“Lee, I… never knew. Not once did I… You never told me.”

“And I’d planned to die never sharing it. Well, I almost did,” I said with a dry laugh.

“I'm sorry.”

It was too little too late.

Far too late.

This should’ve been his first apology to me. Not his third.

I calmed myself. “I care about you, man. I always will and I always have. Your feelings for me don't change that. But I can't give you an answer right now unless you want it to be no.”

“I'm sorry,” he said again, his voice hoarse.

It was like I'd flipped his entire world on its head somehow. My confession of old feelings wasn’t such a monumental thing. I’d only kept it secret because it wasn’t something that had ever needed to be said. Well… That wasn’t true. It was something I’d never said because I hadn’t thought Axel would ever care. Apparently he did. He cared enough that he looked like a ghost.

Immediately I felt guilty, the desire to comfort him overcoming me. “Hey. We were kids. Kids are unquestionably stupid. We did dumb things.”

The man before me looked broken, like something in him had snapped. I groaned, feeling bad, hating seeing him like this. It squeezed at my chest. And it wasn’t even that unknown thing that had hurt him this time. It was me.

I gritted my teeth, steeling my resolve, knowing what I was saying would and could change us. More than his confession had. I shouldn’t. I knew I shouldn’t. I’d have my heart broken again. I'd never recover. I was fine being his friend, being someone to keep him from hurting himself, being someone watching him be happy with another.

I wanted to be his best friend again, to have that back.

But those years of automation, those years of “Yes, and,” those years of choices I’d never made flooded me.

I wanted more than that.

I was just horrified of it.

“Why do you think I keep telling you I can’t answer yet?” I asked, my throat closing up as I finished, a nervousness skittering through me.

His eyes met mine, the darkness in them fading, like a drowning man clutching to a life preserver they’d been thrown. He knew exactly what I meant. And I'd known he would.

“You don't want to say no,” he surmised, his voice a whisper.

I glowered. “Well, I didn't say that, exactly.”

He let out an exasperated sigh before shaking his head with a weak smile.

“Jesus christ, you're the worst. You're lucky I think that's cute.”

What now?

My cheeks and the tips of my ears alighted. Oh. No, no, no, no, no. I wasn't blushing because Axel called me cute. That would be fucking embarrassing. That would be humiliating. Not after everything I’d said about me not being able to answer him right now. It would confirm something that wasn’t true. He’d get the completely wrong idea.

I prayed it was too dark, that my complexion would hide the pinkness, that–

“Tam was right,” Phoenix said from behind us. “This is better than Bold and the Beautiful.”