Despite being the Alliance's closest neighbor, Shin had to admit he knew very little about King Glandem of the Oaken Elves. Oh, he had a few guesses, sure. There was a lot that one could reasonably infer from the behavior of his nobles, and the treatment of his son, and his crafty plan to send Players as his envoys. But speculation was only so useful in a conflict that seemed destined to sooner or later burst into flame.

Now, however, Shin knew one thing for an absolute fact: King Glandem of the Oaken Elves put a very specific price on the well-being of his own people. For enough Royal Coins? He'd trade away Oaken Elf dignity, Oaken Elf wellbeing, and Oaken Elf lives. And that was ultimately the only thing he needed to know about the man.

What Shin needed now was more information about the situation with Bittercup. The Players had made it abundantly clear that she held the most value out of all the Oaken Elf survivors, but just how one-sided were those scales?

“I’m sure King Glandem is eager to see all of his subjects returned to him,” Shin offered, keeping his tone as neutral as he could, “What about the soldiers we’re currently housing? And General Wren?”

“Ah.” Galwenlas’s mouth tightened at the name of the captured general. “His Majesty did have a special message for Wren.”

Shin didn’t miss that the Grand Elf had conspicuously misplaced Wren’s rank. “Oh? I could have a message sent to him immediately, provided you allow me to inspect it first.”

Both Players smirked, and Shin forced his ears to remain calm and his teeth undisplayed. Goddess, it rankled to stand here and just chat with these two after what they’d gleefully admitted to. But he knew that he needed to play nice, for now. Let someone talk long enough, and they’ll outline their own destruction for you. So Shin would let them talk all they wanted.

At length, Galwenlas cleared his throat. “Well I assure you, there’s no need for any codebreakers or whoever you want to trot out here. It’s quite simple, really. King Glandem merely reminds Wren to remember his duty.”

Shin raised an eyebrow. “His duty?”

JD swiped a thumb across his neck, aiding his pantomime with a squelching noise. “Yeah. He should duty himself at the first opportunity.”

Hm.

When Shin didn’t immediately respond, Galwenlas leaned forward with a conspiratorial air. “Or you could have your troops help him along? With his duty?” The elf winked. “And you might as well consider doing the same with the other troops. His Majesty would consider that part of an optimal outcome for these negotiations, in fact.”

This was so upside-down. In effect, Galwenlas had just made it clear that not only did Wren and his troops have no value as prisoners, but their King would actually prefer that Shin execute them. But the Player didn’t deliver that disturbing fact to undercut the kobold’s position. Unless Shin was missing something, he was being told that murdering these soldier’s would be seen as a favor.

King Glandem didn’t want the elves who had put their lives on the line for him back. But he also didn’t want them to stay alive as prisoners. Fascinating. Chilling, but fascinating.

Galwenlas seemed to take Shin’s pause as an opening to further sweeten the deal. “After you’ve accommodated His Majesty in this manner, I’m certain he’d be willing to show his gratitude. Why, once Lady Bittercup is returned to Quercus and the ranks of her sisterhood are restored anew, he may very well ask you to be a Guest of Honor at the next Repast!”

The man offered Bex a smile, flashing far too much gum as the girl recoiled. “Maybe you could bring Lady Bex with you? Such a flower would certainly–”

Bex cut in. “I’m washing my hair that night.”

Galwenlas blinked. “I never mentioned a specific night, though?”

“I’m washing my hair all night, every night.”

“You don’t even need to wash your hair in Magica.”

Bex balked. “I meant out of character and in the real world; do you really not wash your real hair just because your Magica hair doesn’t need it?”

Galwenlas coughed, tossing his flowing golden hair over one shoulder and immediately changing the subject. “This is all very unimportant and very much besides the point! What matters is that Lady Bittercup be restored to her right and proper place.”

“Right,” Shin nodded, “Because unless she goes back, there can’t be any more Evening’s Repasts.”

“Yes exactly!” Galwenlas beamed, missing how much he had just given away. “So! We’ll just be taking the Lady with us, and then we can–”

“Oh, but what’s the rush?” Shin smiled graciously, a showcase of his acting skills. “You've travelled so far. We would be remiss as hosts to send you back off on your way so soon. Stay for a while! Let’s get to know each other.”

The Grand Elf pursed his lips for a moment, then smiled with sickening sweetness. “Will you excuse my companion and myself for a moment? We just need to discuss your generous offer.”

Shin nodded, gesturing towards the door. Galwenlas gave another of his elaborate bows, then curtly jerked his head to indicate JD should follow him. The No One rolled his eyes, dipping into a half-assed mockery of the other Player’s gesture before following him outside.

Bittercup sank down onto the bed, her fists clenched tightly to her knees. “I…” She squeezed her eyes shut. “Please don’t let them take me. Please.”

“Oh we definitely won’t. But for right now?” Shin held a finger to his lips as Bex moved to his side. “We’re listening in on their conversation.”

Bittercup’s eyes widened. “You can do that?”

Bex nodded, her ears waggling. “These babies aren’t for nothing.”

A little help from an Advanced Leadership Crafty Aura didn’t hurt, either. Thanks to the kobolds’ hyper-boosted senses, the hushed conversation between JD and Galwenlas may as well have been screamed directly into open air rather than whispered behind a closed door.

The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.

“–should have just killed them.”

“And risk them killing the female? Fuck you man” Galwenlas wasn’t quite so courtly without an audience. “Or do you want Magica to have nothing but flat elf chicks forever?”

JD’s eye roll was practically audible. “We don’t know for sure it would work that way. Maybe if she died, the Repast babes would start popping back in Quercus again.”

“Glandem doesn’t think so! And that old bastard would know, wouldn’t he? Besides, this Bex chick is into me; I want to get her Mund-ID so don’t mess this up for me.”

"Oh barf," Bex heaved. Enhanced Senses could be a double-edged sword, at times.

“Tsk, fine, whatever. At least let me blow their minds!” Shin’s ears perked up at JD’s insistent request; what was this now? “I’ve been watching walkthroughs of how to do it online and I want to try it so bad.”

“I mean…do you think that would work?”

“Hell yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. That ‘Shin’ bot thinks he’s big shit; he’s gonna fucking crumble when I tell him what he is.”

Amazing.

Galwenlas seemed to have been convinced. “Alright yeah, that’d probably make getting him to hand us the female easier. Go for it, but play it subtle. Alright? Let’s wait like three more minutes as a power play and then go back in.”

Three minutes? That wasn’t a power play. That wasn’t any sort of play at all. Though it did give Shin a chance to get a word in with his elven guest. “Bittercup. Do you trust me?”

The woman didn’t need to think about it for even a second. “Absolutely not.”

“Okay, well, that’s smart. How about this: Do you trust that I’ll act in my own self interest?”

“Absolutely yes.”

“Then let me just say that, despite what you may hear me tell these two monsters, it is absolutely not in my self interest to let you go back with them.”

Bittercup took in a deep breath, then nodded. “Right. Okay.”

With that, the door to the room swung open and the two Players re-entered, Galwenlas clumsily faking an ongoing conversation with the sort of confidence that only comes from truly believing that one is incredibly clever. “–Yes I also agree that WOULD be the most honorable choice!”

JD attempted to play along. “Yeah, absolutely. Honor and shit.”

“Oh! Lord Shin!” Galwenlas clapped a hand to the side of his mouth. “I hope we didn’t keep you waiting too long?”

“Mm. Actually, you sorta did.” Shin sighed dramatically. “I’m all frazzled now. I feel sort of…”

He trailed off, and Bex picked up on her cue. “Thrown off your game?”

“Yes that’s it exactly.” Shin sighed again. “Oh well. I’m sure nothing will come of it.”

The gleeful look that passed between JD and Galwenlas was so obvious and prolonged that a portrait could have been painted of it. “Oh, well. That sucks, dude.” The human rubbed at his chin. “Speaking of games, though…hey did you know you don’t exist?”

Shin flicked an ear. This was really the game he wanted to play? Okay. “Come again?”

“Oh, you didn’t know?” JD grinned nastily. “Yeah you don’t exist. This whole world isn’t real.”

“Hm.” Shin reached up and gave one of his ears a tug. “It certainly feels real.”

JD scoffed. “Of course it feels real; no one would play the game if it didn’t feel real.”

“Oh?” The kobold tilted his head. “You mean, you feel and sense this world just like I do?”

“Yes?” the No One snarked, “Obviously?”

“Well then are you real?”

“What? Um, yes?!”

“Are you sure, though?” Shin took a small step toward, and JD took a small step backwards. “You just said that every piece of information you experience here is fake. Every sense, every feeling, everything.”

JD swallowed. “I, wait, no–”

“It’s just strange, isn’t it?” Shin’s tone and posture were both pleasing and open, yet somehow the kobold loomed over the rapidly shrinking Player. “What we sense and feel makes up so much of what we are as people. Maybe half? Maybe more? At what point is so much of you fake that you don’t count as real anymore?”

“I am real; fuck you!” The human scowled, attempting to rally. “You’re trying to psyche me out but you can’t, you goddamn bot. My Wisdom’s too high.”

“Oh, you’ve got a high Wisdom stat?” Shin made a show of considering that. “So it probably tells you when something or someone is off, right?”

“Yes it does exactly~!” JD grinned in what he probably hoped was triumph, but seemed more like relief. “See? You can’t trick me.”

“So even your thoughts are sometimes fake?”

“.........” JD knitted his ugly brow, his voice very small. “Huh?”

“Well, you said that your high Wisdom lets the System put thoughts into your head, right?” When the increasingly disturbed human nodded, Shin went in for the kill. “So what you sense is fake, what you feel is fake, and what you think is fake, but…you’re still real, right? Right?”

For a long moment JD simply stood there, his throat moving silently as Galwenlas watched on in eager anticipation, clearly expecting some final masterstroke in his companion’s cunning display of reverse psychology. At length, JD spoke. “I gotta log for a bit, I’ll be back, um…I gotta log.”

Galwenlas’s shit-eating grin twitched. “Eh?” He straightened up as the human vanished in a whorl eldritch lines. “JD? JellyDonut?”

“It seems he had to run.” Shin raised his eyebrows at the Grand Elf, his tone just as lightly professional as ever. “Did you have something you wanted to chat about, Galwenlas?”

The Player stared at Shin for a moment, an ugly shadow falling over his sculpted elven features. And then he turned on his heels, marching out of the room. “I’m going to find Naotodate. We need to…yes, I’m going to go find him.”

Bittercup watched in stark confusion as Galwenlas slammed the door shut behind him, her ears drooped helplessly. “Um, what just happened?”

“Shin just convinced a Player that he might not exist.” Bex stared at Shin in a mix of astonishment and disbelief. “You can do that? I mean…how can you do that?!”

“You haven’t seen anything yet.” Shin straightened his robes, trying not to look too pleased with himself. “Just wait.”

Just as Shin knew very little about his opponent, it seemed these Players knew even less about him. Otherwise, they’d have never let him say a single damn word. They either underestimated Shin, or overestimated themselves. Either way, by the time Shin finished with that?

They’ll wish that not existing was their biggest problem.